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“Thank God I jerk off left-handed or I’d have no social life this week.” - Scott Disick

To say Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy is a loser would be an understatement, but it appears our fair heroine finally wised up to this truth last night.

Read on to see what the poor THG intern stuck watching his antics on reality TV thought of last night's installment on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami:

Finally, it was the episode we’ve all been waiting for. The “Douche-pocalyse” (thank you How I Met Your Mother). Scott Disick done lost his marbles, ya’ll.

Okay so Kourtney wises up and realizes Scott’s back to his old tricks and drinking and partying too much. She and Kim chat about this while on their friend Loren’s yacht, which is gorgeous by the way. When they return home, they notice their apartment smells like weed and Kourtney confronts Scott.

Kourt, Scott and Mason: One sweet, happy family.

In his effed up state, he grabs Kourtney tightly by the wrist (none of this is filmed) and she slaps him across the face. She then runs out, grabs Kim and Mason and they head back to Loren’s for safety. Meanwhile, Scott is left to his own devices with only the producers and cameramen to supervise.

He punches the mirror, injuring his hand and is taken to the hospital

This is the realest I’ve seen this show get. 

There’s no way that was made up. Everyone knows Scott is crazy, but you can tell just by the filming that this wasn’t fake. The cameramen had to call the producers to decide how to deal with Scott. Kourtney and Kim were visibly scared, and it was altogether a very messed up situation. This is just so sad for Mason.

The next day, Scott apologizes profusely and ends up getting surgery on his hand. Kourtney decides that although she wants to be there for his surgery, she needs to do what’s best for her and Mason.

Scott Disick: The monster, devilish boyfriend from hell.

On the random flip side of this episode, Kim Kardashian is still upset about her breakup with Reggie. She brings it up out of nowhere and it’s not even well transitioned by the producers. She wants to find a mate who will accept her for who she is.

Don’t we all? Anyway, there’s nothing better to cheer a gal up then have a Maserati flown in directly for her!

By the way, it’s such an obvious ploy to keep having Jonathan Cheban pop up on this show. He’s Kim’s best friend, not Kourtney’s or Khloe’s. Clearly, this was a setup by E! to help plug their next reality show, The Spin Crowd.

But enough about him, Khloe is back next week and she comes with a very angry visitor. Oh snap, Scott is about to endure the wrath of Kris Jenner. Amen.

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The cover for Sarah Palin’s newest book, America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag, has just been released by publisher HarperCollins.

The book is due out November 23, after the midterm elections and about a year after the release of her bestseller, Going Rogue: An American Life.

Expect the new book – and extensive book tour - to amplify the speculation over whether the ex-Alaska Governor will run for president in 2012.

It certainly would be interesting if she challenged Barack Obama.

Among the many, many things Palin ripped Obama about in the past was his writing two books and having very little to show for it legislatively.

Since the 2008 campaign, she resigned as governor to focus on her career ambitions, whatever those are, and apparently write a few herself.

Just saying.

New Sarah Palin Book Cover

Should Sarah Palin run for President in 2012?

 

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It was no three-city extravaganza like T.I. and Tiny's wedding.

No diplomats and former heads of state were on hand like at the widely publicized nuptials of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky.

Luisana Loreley Lopilato de la Torre and Michael Buble

Still, it was perfect for Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz, who wed a private ceremony Saturday in a home on the Mediterranean Sea before family and friends.

The bride wore a Grecian-inspired Vera Wang dress and carried a bouquet of purple calla lilies. The groom was decked out in a Tom Ford tuxedo.

The couple's friend, Dr. Deepak Chopra, presided over the nuptials.

Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz have come so far.

"Wowwwwwwwww," Beatz (real name: Kasseem Dean) Twittered afterward. "It's a brand new day :) I feel like Nas and Diddy song :) love y’all and blessing!"

The couple, who are also expecting their first child together, have been together since fall 2008. They announced their engagement and baby news in May.

It's the first marriage for Keys and the couple's first child together.

While the newlyweds don't know the gender of their baby just yet, Beatz says it is just magical experience to be bringing a child into this world with Alicia.

"That baby is being born blessed parents," he recently said. "Alicia is definitely one of those great parents-to-be. She's super ready. Super glowing, happy."

Congratulations to the happy couple!

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Jessica Simpson is getting a little desperate for attention these days if you ask us isn't afraid to show the world her love for new beau Eric Johnson.

The one-time singer and actress posted a shot of her smooching her latest squeeze (a Yale graduate AND former NFL player) on her Twitter page.

Large Jessica Simpson

"Romance 101... getting kissed by my Yalie... me not lookin' so smart... :)" she wrote. "but YUM!" Pretty much sums it all up right there ...

Jessica Simpson is in love - and wants the world to know!

It's good to see her happy, but should we be concerned?

Fueling rumors that Eric Johnson is just using her, rumors surfaced this weekend that he pulled out of the two-year business program at the University of Pennsylvania’s prestigious Wharton school to remain in L.A. with the star.

Even though they've only been together eight weeks, a source says: "He doesn’t want to move to Philadelphia and leave her so soon after they got together."

Plus, living with/sponging off Jessica Simpson has to beat an MBA in market value, are we right? It doesn't take a Yale degree to figure that out ...

NOTE: Follow THG on Twitter!

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Chelsea Clinton, who Americans first got to know nearly two decades ago as the young daughter of President Bill Clinton, is now a married woman.

The lucky man is longtime boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky.

Luisana Loreley Lopilato de la Torre and Michael Buble

Wearing a dress by Vera Wang (a family friend who was present), the former First Daughter, 30, wed the investment banker, 32, in Rhinebeck, N.Y.

An interfaith ceremony for Chelsea, who is Methodist, and Marc, who is Jewish, was conducted by Rabbi James Ponet and the Rev. William Shillady.

Saturday's wedding was attended by 400 friends and family members, most notably Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton (wearing Oscar de la Renta).

The former President and current Secretary of State released a statement: "Today, we watched with great pride and overwhelming emotion as Chelsea and Marc wed in a beautiful ceremony at Astor Courts, surrounded by family and close friends."

Presenting Mr. and Mrs. Marc Mezvinsky!

"We could not have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the beginning of their life together, and we are so happy to welcome Marc into our family."

"On behalf of the newlyweds, we want to give special thanks to the people of Rhinebeck for welcoming us and to everyone for their well-wishes on this special day."

The guest list did not include Oprah Winfrey or President Obama, who joked on The View about his snub, but did feature Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, Madeleine Albright, and a handful of congressmen and other prominent Democrats.

Rhinebeck, a beautiful, small town in upstate N.Y., was swarmed all week by paparazzi and national media trying to catch a glimpse of the festivities.

Everybody understandably wanted to see how the teenager who grew up in the White House blossomed into a blushing bride - and with good reason.

Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky live in New York City and have dated since 2005, although they have been friends since they were teenagers.

They seem so happy together, as are we for them. Congratulations to the couple! Click to enlarge more Chelsea Clinton wedding photos below!

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It looks like the second engagement of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston is off, but that the rumor of him knocking up his ex-girlfriend is not the reason.

His flirting with another ex-girlfriend is!

Bristol, 19, called off engagement #2 to Levi, 20, last week following a huge fight over one of his ex-girlfriends - and we don't mean Lanesia Garcia.

Garcia was outed as Levi's possible second baby mama this week, but new reports say that the Playgirl model is not the father of her unborn child.

Luckily for our boy, he wasn't the one among the "three potential fathers" to have impregnated Lanesia during the probable week of conception.

But Bristol Palin still has beef with him - and Briana Plum.

  • Bristol Photograph
  • Levi Johnston Playgirl Picture

Levi Johnston apparently got naked a lot in between his two engagements to Bristol Palin, and we're not even talking about his Playgirl photo shoot for once.

"Lanesia and Levi have dated off and on over the past few years but he's not the father of that baby," says a source to E! Online. "Lanesia's other ex-boyfriend is the father. She's not the reason that [Bristol and Levi] broke it off."

That would be Levi's other ex, Briana: "There was an interview with her and Bristol wasn't happy about things she said. There was also some picture on Facebook of him and Briana and Bristol just said, ‘Let's hold off on the engagement.'"

Neither Palin nor Johnston have confirmed this, but the parents of 19-month-old Tripp just got engaged again a few weeks ago, landing them on the cover of Us Weekly amid rumors of shopping a reality show featuring their young family.

Guess even a huge paycheck can't keep some fake relationships intact.

Can Bristol and Levi still make it work?

 

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Ever since the first reports of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt splitting up, Hills fans understandably assumed wondered if it was another big PR hoax.

Looks like it isn't.

Almost two months after the plastic princess went to court seeking legal separation from the puppet master, the reality star has filed for divorce.

Heidi Montag cites the usual "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the pair's split in a divorce petition filed in Santa Monica, Calif., Court.

"Heidi has amended her petition for separation and has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage from Spencer Pratt," attorney Jodeane Farrell said. The couple has agreed they would like their divorce to be finalized in a timely manner."

Hopefully Spencer Pratt finds comfort in his beloved crystals.

Adding that terms will be hashed out in an out of court settlement, Farrell said "both parties are amicable with each other and finalizing the divorce."

The couple staged a sham wedding in Cabo in 2008, then tied the knot for real in April 2009 at a church in Pasadena, Calif., appearing happy.

Things went downhill fast, however.

Heidi Montag underwent 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day, fired Spencer as her manager, released terrible music, accused The Hills creator Adam DiVello of sexual harassment and became estranged from her family and so on.

For his part, Spencer Pratt has grown increasingly eccentric, and even admitted to being a fame whore and choosing his "career" over his wife.

Heidi Montag then and now. Enough said.

He echoed that sentiment yesterday to People.

"I love Heidi but our marriage was a show – it was part of The Hills world," Pratt said after the divorce filing. "That world is on a sound stage."

Referring to himself in the third-person, he adds: "It's clear that reality TV-fame-loving Spencer Pratt does not fit with my ex-wife Heidi Montag's ambitions for a motion picture actor/pop star career and being a single sex symbol for the world."

"Some say if you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen, Well, Heidi couldn't handle King Spencer's fame so she got out of the marriage."

Right. So basically, his stardom is just too enormous. Makes sense.

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Former Vice President Al Gore may have lost the 2000 presidential election to George W. Bush, and may be unable to defeat climate change all by himself.

But at least he thwarted Molly Hagerty.

Al Gore Sexual Assault

Gore was cleared of a massage therapist's sexual abuse allegations due to "lack of credible evidence" in the case, Portland, Ore., prosecutors said Friday.

The Multnomah County D.A.'s office decided that a "sustainable criminal case does not exist" after re-examining sexual assault claims by Molly Hagerty.

The masseuse said Gore made "unwanted sexual contact" with her during a massage at his hotel in 2006. The National Enquirer recently broke the story.

Later, two new accusers made similar claims.

DO NOT MESS WITH AL GORE.

Prosecutors declined to pursue the case against Al Gore after interviewing witnesses who were at the hotel and since Hagerty failed a polygraph test.

The D.A.'s office also said that "forensic testing" disputed her accusations. It's not clear what types of tests were conducted and on what evidence.

We're guessing the supposedly soiled pants of his ... Gross.

"Mr. Gore unequivocally and emphatically denied this accusation when he first learned of its existence three years ago," spokeswoman Kalee Kreider said.

"He respects and appreciates the thorough and professional work of the Portland authorities and is pleased that this matter has now been resolved."

Authorities reportedly questioned Gore personally last week.

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We know you'll be shocked to hear this, but Jersey Shore star Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi was arrested in Seaside Heights, N.J., after an epic bender.

We're talking Thursday night into mid-afternoon Friday.

Disheveled in a garish miniskirt that left disgustingly little to the imagination, she was hauled off in cuffs wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with "SLUT."

Nice.

"Nicole Polizzi was acting in a disorderly manner while located on the beach," Seaside Heights Police Chief Thomas Boyd told the N.Y. Daily News.

She was later released with a summons and when Snooki emerged from the station about 7:30 p.m., she was greeted by 100 screaming fans.

She was accompanied by fellow cast members Jenni (JWoww) Farley, Pauly D, Vinny Guadagnino and their newest housemate, Deena Nicole.

Nicole 'Snooki' Pic

Snooki knows how to party. And resemble an Oompa Loompa.

A bartender at Aztec Ocean Resort told The News Snooki was there and consumed "three shots of Patron Tequila and a Long Island Iced Tea."

"She didn't tip!" said the barman, who would not give his name.

A bartender at EJ's Ocean Lounge next door said Snooki and friends were there around lunchtime and "were plastered when they walked in."

"I saw her by the beach, falling around, wobbling. No one could control her. She was so drunk. Too drunk," said witness Kwame Achampong.

Several celebrity gossip websites said Snooki went out drinking Thursday and didn't stop until she passed out on the beach Friday afternoon.

"She was passed out face down in the sand," a source told E! Online. "She couldn't even stand up. She was on her knees and kept falling."

The Season 2 premiere of Jersey Shore, set in Miami, aired Thursday night. The cast is now back in the Garden State filming Season 3.

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Welcome to The Hollywood Gossip's Week in Review.

Below, our staff members take a look back on the last seven days in celebrity news and rumors - and we've certainly got a lot to talk about.

Visit our site daily and follow us on Facebook and Twitter for 24/7/365 updates. Now, for some of the top stories we covered this past week:

  • The Mel Gibson tapes. Where to start? All the tapes / voicemails were recorded February 18. Oksana Grigorieva says she taped him because she feared for her life. Whether witnesses saw him attack her January 6 is the question.
  • She's being treated like a common criminal in the slammer, but Lindsay Lohan may be set free as early as this weekend. She's lobbying for time with family before being shipped off to rehab following her release - don't bet on it.
  • A major shakeup at American Idol leaves Randy Jackson the last judge standing, with J. Lo and Steven Tyler replacing Ellen and Kara.
  • The appearance by Barack Obama on The View was mostly light, and sparked criticism from many, including former Gov. Sarah Palin.
  • In other Palin news, Bristol is reportedly pissed over a report that Levi put it to Lanesia Garcia and may become a baby daddy again!
J. Lo Hair

This is reportedly the new American Idol panel.

Most people have Bieber Fever, but some say he's a sinner.

  • Baby news about six months from today: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr (rumored); Melissa Rycroft and Tye Strickland (confirmed).
  • Couples: Alex Beh is dating Jennifer Love Hewitt; Kroy Biermann is dating Kim Zolciak; Eddie Cibrian is moving in with LeAnn Rimes.
  • Wedding Bells: Linda Hogan and Charlie Hill are engaged. Hey, at least he can drink at his own wedding to the 50-year-old. Barely.
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