Get your DVRs and eyeballs ready, it should be quite the manic Monday of TV watching!

Let's begin with Dancing with the Stars. Beautiful model Josie Maran went home last week, proving that it takes more than looks to win this competition.

The most impressive contestants during the first week were Helio Castroneves, Sabrina Bryan (pictured here with pro partner, Mark Ballas) and Melanie Brown.

The celebrity most in trouble? Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban. But anything can happen once that music starts playing and hips start shaking... so get ready to feel the rhythm tonight on ABC.

Over on NBC, it's the second episode of Heroes. Tonight, we learn Maya's dangerous super power, while continuing to travel back in time with Hiro. As for Claire and Peter?

Let's hope the rumors of Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia dating don't distract these two characters from forging ahead with their missions in life. And that Peter remembers who he is before the episode is over.

To close the evening, put your arm around your loved one and thank the heavens he or she isn't engaged to Katja Decker-Sadowski. As Lauren Conrad found out on The Hills last week, that can be jarring news to discover first hand.

What will happen tonight on this MTV reality series? We're not sure, but Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will be mocked endless tomorrow for it regardless. You have our word on that.

Britney Spears must hand over custody of her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to Kevin Federline this week "until further notice," a judge ruled Monday after a hearing.

The judge gave no reasons in his written decision, issued after he met lawyers in a session requested by Kevin Federline's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan.

K-Fed gets custody starting Wednesday.

The ruling comes after the filing of misdemeanor charges against Britney Spears - hit-and-run and driving without a valid license - and claims by her ex-bodyguard, Tony Barretto, that she used drugs, frequently got naked and is a danger to her children, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

A judge also said Britney is a "habitual, frequent and continuous" user of alcohol and controlled substances, and ordered her to submit to twice-weekly testing.

The singer, who has 50-50 custody with Federline, was seen around town with Sean Preston and Jayden James over the weekend, and on Sunday they had an early dinner in Malibu, as a crush of celebrity news people camped outside.

"She seemed fine," said Tony Koursaris, owner of the restaurant, Taverna Tony's, where she dined. "She was very comfortable having dinner here with her boys... The kids had a good time. Then we had to fight the paparazzi, of course."

It's really, really difficult for a mother to lose all custody of her children, but Britney Spears has always been extremely talented. And insane. Never count her out!

The photographers, however, did come in handy at one point over the weekend. Around midnight Saturday, her Mercedes ran out of gas during a food run.

Taking a break from trying to snap celebrity pictures of Britney Spears with no pants, some paparazzi went to a gas station and helped her gas up her Benz.

During her performance over the weekend, Tori Spelling put the "Y" in Pussycat Dolls.

As in: Why the heck did this group of typically attractive women invite this eye sore on stage?

Somewhere, Nicole Scherzinger is grateful she left to start a solo career.

And Asia Nitollano is scoffing at those that think she should have joined the group.

Tori Spelling in The Pussycat Dolls? That's akin to Minka Kelly being in The Ugly Girls.

Britney Spears grabbed dinner at a Greek restaurant, Taverna Tony's, in Malibu on Sunday with - of course - sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, several male assistants and about 100 celebrity news photographers in tow.

As you can see, Jayden James Federline looks thrilled by the whole scene...

Apparently Britney Spears stopped off for a meal after taking paparazzi for a drive around Beverly Hills, then returning to Malibu without getting out of the car.

Check out the video below of Spears and the kids leaving the place. At least she wasn't wearing no underwear on this day, but she did manage to crawl under a car seat and flash photographers. Yup, no way you can avoid that one!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68EjtmrVgsM[/youtube]

It's about time. We were starting to worry. After all, what's a day the world of celebrity gossip without some video footage from up Britney Spears' skirt?

Despite a penchant for alcohol and/or insanity, Paula Abdul appeared to be sober during a recent interview with USA Today.

In it, she talked about her desire for kids, saying she wants them "definitely within the next two years. I thought by now I'd have three grown children."

Instead, she has a possible drinking problem. But we digress.

"With modern medicine, people are having kids in their 40s and even up until their late 40s. In their 50s, they're having their second child," the American Idol judge said. "If it doesn't happen naturally like that, I would always consider adopting."

Of course, it may happen naturally. After all, Paula has a new man in her life - and everyone seems to love J.T. Torregiani.

"He's a positive force that has come into my life right now. Where it leads, who knows?" Abdul said, even stating that Simon Cowell approves of the "great, normal guy" on her arm.

Of course, an interview with Paula wouldn't be complete without a bit of nuttiness thrown in. So rest assured that her dog is also a big fan of her man.

"My chunky dog, Tulip, is in love with him. He pays so much attention to her that she thinks she's the queen."

Sounds like these two might be on the same engagement path as Katharine McPhee and Nick Cokas. We wish them the best, if so.

If you missed the video screen caps of the lovely Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge modeling for Maxim magazine last week, well, you didn't miss much. Because here are two of the finished photos of the sexy stars of The Hills. Hot!

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge: sexy in anything or next to nothing.

These girls are everywhere these days! Audrina Patridge (top) bares serious skin in some lingerie, whereas Lauren Conrad looks a little more conservative, yet still downright... no comment ... in a lavender nightgown.

What kinds of drama will follow when their hot show, The Hills, returns with an all-new episode tonight? There can be no telling. Sadly, there probably won't be any shots of Lauren and Audrina modeling underwear.

Easy, fellas.

We know how excited you get over the mere mention of Eva Longoria naked. So we can only imagine how this juicy piece of celebrity gossip must be sitting with you right now.

But despite talk going around of a sex tape featuring the Desperate Housewives star and her new husband, Tony Parker, we have doubts about its authenticity.

First, a quick overview of the reports: Allegedly, the video is already available on pay per view adult film site; however a blog says it's willing to post the tape for all to see after "verifying… legal issues associated with it."

Remember, though: Meg White sex tape rumors were shot down last week. And Eva isn't exactly known for shedding her clothes, and her morals, like Kim Kardashian has in the past.

Therefore, we ask readers to take this news with a grain of salt. A very sexy, alluring grain of salt.

Rumors of an imminent split between Pink and her husband, Carey Hart, have persisted for months, yet the singer says this is bull$h!t and that nobody and nothing has put a damper on the couple's undying love for each other.

In other news completely unrelated to Carey Hart, but involving the wacko singer, Pink got her nipple pierced! Which is kind of cool and kind of gross! Check it out!

To see the uncensored version of Pink's pierced nipple, click HERE.

Not that Pink getting her nipple - or any other body part - pierced is at all weird to us. What less likely famous person would you want to see get this done?

• Mario Lopez
• Vanessa Hudgens
• Hayden Panettiere
• Jayden James Federline
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Nicole Richie finally put enough pounds to break the century mark. Now it looks like she is preparing to bid farewell to the Knocked Up, Unwed Celebrities Club!

According to TMZ, Nicole Richie and her baby daddy, rock musician Joel Madden, may have finally set the date for their wedding. And it's soon!

Sources tell TMZ that The Wedding Fairy - no, not Perez Hilton, but an upscale wedding planner by that name based in Orange County, Calif., - will coordinate the small ceremony that is to take place October 13 in Laguna Beach.

Hopefully, the ceremony will be broadcast on MTV, with Lauren Conrad and Kristin Cavallari as bridesmaids and Stephen Colletti and Jason Wahler as groomsmen.

When the celebrity news site contacted Lorraine Keseloff, a wedding planner and owner of the company, who had no comment and quickly hung up the phone.

Nicole Richie's rep did not return calls seeking comment either. We'll keep our eyes peeled, though. Under two weeks until she's an honest anorexic woman!

David Hans Schmidt, the self-proclaimed "Sultan of Sleaze," told the New York Daily News he tried to kill himself two weeks ago, prior to completing that task Friday.

Cops found the body of Schmidt, 47, who became famous and rich for peddling celebrity photos and sex tapes, in his Phoenix home, dead of apparent suicide.

David Hans Schmidt had been under house arrest after pleading guilty to attempted extortion involving the wedding photos of Tom Cruise.

"I did something really stupid," he told Daily News gossip columnist George Rush. "I put a belt around my neck in the shower. Fortunately, it didn't work."

"He was phoning me every other day," Rush said. "I kept saying, 'You got to get yourself some medication.' He said he was on some, but it didn't work for long."

David Hans Schmidt was arrested in July after obtaining pictures of Cruise's wedding in Italy last year from a co-defendant, authorities said.

Schmidt threatened to release the pictures if Cruise didn't pay up. Schmidt and his client, who allegedly stole the photos from the wedding photographer's laptop, were seeking between $1.2 million and $1.3 million from TomKat.

Schmidt, who had served time for violating a restraining order taken out by the mother of his daughters, was due back in court October 11 and faced up to two years behind bars. "I can't go back to prison," Schmidt told Rush.

"I tried to tell him how much he had to look forward to, that there was publishing interest in a book and he could use his time to write his memoirs," Rush said.

But David Hans Schmidt was evidently too depressed.

"He had to wear an ankle monitor. He couldn't leave the house, there were liens on everything he owned," Rush said. "He was getting stripped of everything."

David Hans Schmidt was famous, of course, for somehow getting hold of sex tapes and nude photos of celebrities, which he turned around and sold for big dollars.

David Hans Schmidt tried to sell off Paris Hilton photos (such as this one he is seen holding, which she later signed for him) from her L.A. storage locker.

He said he had the Dustin Diamond sex tape, featuring the cretinous actor who played Screech on "Saved by the Bell," and he sold topless shots of Army Pfc. Jessica Lynch, as well as Tonya Harding's wedding night sex video.

David Hans Schmidt also said he had nude pics of Gennifer Flowers, who once claimed to have had an affair with former President Bill Clinton.

"He just loved doing these deals," said Rush. "When he had something in the works, he was pumped up. Full of energy. But he couldn't do it anymore. He was afraid the prosecutors would use it as evidence that he was unrepentant and continuing to be up to his old tricks... It left him with no income."

Cops said they found David Hans Schmidt dead at 3 p.m. on Friday after they noticed the tracking device he was wearing had not moved.

"He was a lovable rogue," Rush said. "Every time he was on the phone, you knew there was another wild story coming down the pike."