While most of our staff is sitting in stunned silence over the alleged existence of yet another Danielle Staub sex tape, thank goodness for our Real Housewives critic.
She sat through another hilarious, entertaining, nauseating episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night and filed the following report...
Let me just start out by saying that the entire focus of this episode was women trying to get other women out of their lives while simultaneously talking, thinking, texting, Facebooking, and scheming endlessly about these same women. Danielle wants the Manzo ladies out of her life for good. The Manzo ladies want Danielle out of their lives for good. Hmmm... normally you would think that this could work out well for all of them pretty easily.
Just stop talking to each other, right? No, it’s not that easy when you are a New Jersey housewife. You must first make the woman/women you hate the center of your life and the focus of your every waking moment before you can finally expel them for good. D'uh!
But before we delve into all of that, let’s start out where the episode started out: Teresa and daughter Gia at Gia’s modeling and acting school. Teresa drives Gia to her acting class in the family’s Maserati. As I see this I am immediately reminded of reading a headline this week that Teresa and her hubby, Shirtless Joe, are millions of dollars in debt and that several of their many homes are in danger of being repossessed by the bank.
Teresa, I would encourage you to enjoy that Maserati and your new Palace of Marble and Onyx while you still can. Soon you’ll be living in a dilapidated ranch with minimal square footage and it will become all too apparent how annoying your daughters are when you can’t hide from them in your pool house
Teresa makes nice with the other parents in the waiting room of Gia’s acting and modeling school. She relishes the opportunity to shoot the shit with people in the biz. “It’s typical for me to speak to other parents whose children are also models and actors. It’s refreshing to be around people who can relate to you,” says Teresa of these people who are all giving her the snake eye every time she opens her trap. She also reminds us and them, “I’m so not a stage mom.” One dad cringes. We cringe along with him.
Gia wants a part in a new Christian Slater movie but it doesn’t work out. We learn that her Jersey accent is preventing her from getting the parts she so desires. Well, that and her total inability to act or memorize lines - but I digress. Teresa is dumbfounded by all this hoo-ha.
“I really don’t know what a New Jersey accent is because I was born here and raised so to me I don’t feel like I have a Jersey accent.” My gawd - has this woman nehvuh been outta Joisey? A dialect coach is brought in to help de-Jersey Gia’s speech. Much time is devoted trying to get Gia to stop pronouncing the word “coffee” as “quaw-fee” without much success. All the other words in the English language (oh, besides “dog” verses “dwog”) are left for later as her coach slumps over in exhaustion and Teresa and Gia leave.
Evidently it is Danielle’s birthday and our favorite nutjob is having her “first grown-up party.” This statement is not clarified and no one knows what it means exactly but things move forward despite this confusion. That two-faced minx Kim G. is hosting a party for Danielle and the two women exchange words before the party.
Kim G. is upset over how things went down at the Brownstone during the cancer benefit. Danielle refuses to make any apologies. The people doing their hair and makeup raise their eyebrows and exchange looks of thinly veiled terror. You know they are scanning for the closest exits to flee through in case these women start going at each other with their claws and fangs extended.
Once the party starts the conversation predictably turns to the Manzos and Danielle asks her guests, “Do you know how much satisfaction they’re going to get out of knowing that on my birthday party that this is what’s happening?” But when a person tells Danielle she cares too much about the Manzos she gets hissy and sticks up her finger and says, “Oh no, no, no. I do not care about them. What I don’t care to hear about is them on my birthday.”