TV Recaps

Simon Cowell has made his expectations for The X Factor very clear: he expects the show to be number-one, totaling more viewers than his former juggernaut, American Idol.

Therefore, the judge/producer must be very disappointed today. Last night's two-hour premiere of this British import was only watched by 12.6 million households, nearly half the number that tune in for Idol each week and not even enough to help The X Factor win its Wednesday night battle.

Marcus Canty X Factor Audition

The competition was beat out by back-to-back episodes of Modern Family (14.3 million) and later in the night by Criminal Minds (14.1 million). The series premiere of Revenge (11.4 million) wasn't even far behind The X Factor's tally.

For all your ratings news, and for all the reviews of all the premieres last night and every night, bookmark our friends at TV Fanatic now!

Nudity. Fart jokes. And references to genital warts.

For all the hype and all the headlines made over Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, last night's ninth season premiere didn't exactly stray far from the obvious, immature humor that - incredibly, depressingly - has made this the most-watched sitcom on television for many years.

Before Kutcher first showed up as a heart-broken billionaire named Walden Schmidt, viewers were treated to cameos that included ex-girlfriends played by Jenny McCarthy, and prospective home buyers played by John Stamos, Jenna Elfman and the guy who portrayed her husband on Dharma & Greg.

The appearance by the latter duo was a nice little shout-out to a past Chuck Lorre hit and at least felt fresh. The same can't be said for anything related to Kutcher's Walden.

While we try to keep track of all the engagements in Hollywood - Nick Lachey/Vanessa Minnillo, LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian - our friends at TV Fanatic have been watching a lot of television and writing up detailed reviews for pretty much every show out there.

Sit back, click on the links below and get caught up now:

• ON SUNDAY... The Walking Dead premiered to huge numbers.
• ON MONDAY... Ivy told Dixon the truth on 90210, while Blair and Chuck REALLY went at it on Gossip Girl.
• ON TUESDAY... Brooke failed to bond with her soon-to-be mother-in-law on One Tree Hill, while networks covered the mid-term elections and liberal viewers were sad.
• ON WEDNESDAY... Survivor was akin to a chess game, while Hellcats took us back to the 80s.
• ON THURSDAY... The Vampire Diaries aired a GREAT episode, while Brennan saved Hannah's life on Bones.

Charlie Sheen got wasted this week and threatened the life of a porn star. That kind of thing takes up almost all of our time at THG.

Fortunately, our friends at TV Fanatic have the small screen world covered. Click on the following links to get caught up now...

• ON SUNDAY... Bree had tons of sex on Desperate Housewives, while Dexter actually made us sleepy.
• ON MONDAY... Freddy Kruerger showed up on Chuck, while a friend of Kono's was found dead on Hawaii Five-0.
• ON TUESDAY... Glee honored The Rocky Horror Picture Show, while Abby got very involved in a case on NCIS.
• ON WEDNESDAY... Cheerleaders were auction off on Hellcats. 
• ON THURSDAY... Stefan and Damon plotted to kill Katherine on The Vampire Diaries, while a rape took place on Private Practice.

As always, it was an eventful week on television.

But the THG staff missed it because we were busy posting racy photos of the Glee cast in GQ and wondering why JWOWW turned down Playboy. Fortunately, our friends at TV Fanatic are all over the small screen. Click around below for their take on this week's top episodes...

• ON SUNDAY... Don Draper got engaged on Mad Men, while Dexter took a series risk on Dexter.
• ON MONDAY... Chuck earned a perfect score, while an important question was posed on Castle.
• ON TUESDAY... SAMCRO headed to Belfast on Sons of Anarchy, while viewers were treated to a One Tree Hill Halloween.
• ON WEDNESDAY... South Park mocked those obsessed with Inception.
• ON THURSDAY... Someone had his heart torn out on The Vampire Diaries, while Nikita aired the best episode of the season.

New information about Brett Favre and his wandering eye was leaked this week, while a lingerie-clad Taylor Momsen posed with a gun on a magazine cover.

In other words: there was plenty of celebrity gossip to keep us busy this week. Fortunately, our friends at TV Fanatic have us covered. Click on the following links to read their top reviews from Sunday through Thursday...

• ON SUNDAY... Dexter hired a nanny, while Renee and Bree went after the same man on Desperate Housewives.
• ON MONDAY... we learned valuable lessons about safe sex on 90210, while Gossip Girl returned to classic form.
• ON TUESDAY... Glee aired its best episode of the season, while a petty officer's death snowballed on NCIS.
• ON WEDNESDAY... castaways made major mistakes on Survivor, while there was girl-on-girl football action on Hellcats.
• ON THURSDAY... David Alan Grier guest-starred on Bones, while Fringe aired its final episode of October.

Miley Cyrus released a new video and Brett Favre may have sent pictures of his penis to a Jets employee.

While THG was busy covering these gossip-related events, our pals at TV Fanatic were reviewing countless episodes from across the television dial this week. Catch up on the latest small screen developments below...

• ON SUNDAY... Boardwalk Empire finally got exciting.
• ON MONDAY... Stone Cold Steve Austin guest-starred on Chuck, while mysterious developments continued to enthrall and baffle on The Event.
• ON TUESDAY... A grilled cheese sandwich led to a religion awakening on Glee, while Jax struck a deal with Stahl on Sons of Anarchy.
• ON WEDNESDAY... Hellcats turned deliver a cat fight.
• ON THURSDAY...  Shocks abounded on The Vampire Diaries, while Bones went all Jersey Shore on us.

What was your favorite moment of the week?

We interrupt our usual snarky take on the world of celebrity gossip to bring readers this new Friday tradition: a rundown of the week in television.

While we've been writing about trips to rehab for Lindsay Lohan and new music videos from Justin Bieber, our friends at TV Fanatic have been reviewing every shows on the small screen. Let's take a look at their episode highlights from the past five days:

• ON SUNDAY... Vanessa Williams and Brian Austin Green debuted on Desperate Housewives.
• ON MONDAY... Chuck confronted his past on Gossip Girl, while Huddy learned how to work together on House.
• ON TUESDAY... Glee paid awful tribute to Britney Spears, while the series premiere of No Ordinary Family didn't blow us away.
• ON WEDNESDAY... Modern Family featured a gay kiss, and numerous laughs, while Criminal Minds said goodbye to JJ.
• ON THURSDAY... The Vampire Diaries (pictured) took a stroll down Memory Lane, while we met Booth's girlfriend on Bones.

What was your favorite TV moment from the week?

Jake Pavelka scored with THREE different women last night, each one in love with the pilot and each willing to truly open up to him in the Chris Harrison-sponsored fantasy suite... if you know what we mean!

But The Bachelor wasn't the only show that aired a new episode, it was just the most poorly-scripted one. Below, our pals at TV Fanatic have reviewed a variety of other dramas. Click on each link to get caught up...

• Lux totally threw it down on Life Unexpected.
• A politician made his presence felt on Greek.
• There was a suicide and a possible murder admission on Damages.
• You'll never believe this, but the nuclear rods are still on the loose on 24!

Even the complete and utter morons at NBC can't be dumb enough to bring Heroes back after the atrocious way it wrapped up its fourth season last night...

... right?

Our friends at TVFanatic.com have reviewed that show and all new episodes that aired last night. Click on the links below and chime in with your thoughts...

• Heroes aired the most boring season finale in TV history.
• It was all about Cuddy on House.
• The new Chuck 2.0? We like this guy!

• Lux got suspended, and a few tears were shed, on Life Unexpected.
• Leonard had to choose between Penny and Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory.
• Barney went on a quest for the perfect ten on How I Met Your Mother.
• Charlie Sheen didn't choke anyone on Two and a Half Men.
• You'll never believe this, but were internal issues at CTU on 24.