by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Why'd you call her a coke whore?
Bitch, I'm gonna pin you down!
You are insane. You need to be medicated.

All of these quotes and more are part of the two-part Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special that kicks off Monday night, August 30.

That's right, folks: last night's surprisingly boring installment of the most scripted show on television was not the final appearance for Danielle Staub and company on your television screens this summer.

Bravo will milk the franchise for every last viewer and brain cell it can, pitting insane, self-centered housewife against insane, self-centered housewife in a battle of which unstable nut job will finally cause you to throw your TV out the window.

Our money, naturally, is on Danielle. Watch her scream and yell and storm off the stage in the reunion clips below...

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

If rumors are to be believed, Danielle Staub appeared in her final, non-reunion Real Housewives of New Jersey episode last night.

Fortunately, the mentally unbalanced nut job gave our reality show correspondent plenty to write about, as she wraps up her hilarious reviews below. Enjoy...

Saying goodbye to this show felt a lot like when I was a summer camp counselor and I had to say goodbye to the most annoying girl in my cabin.  It’s sort of like, oh, 'I’m going to miss her so much even though she’s mostly a gigantic pain in my ass.'

The Housewives Girl

You know that once in awhile (and I mean ONCE in a LONG, LONG while) she could be funny or entertaining and you start thinking that the times where she was funny and entertaining were much more numerous than they actually were.  And you get all nostalgic and think you selfishly pissed away your good times together, that you were a bitchy counselor who just focused on all the stupid shit she did.

And you throw yourself onto your metal bunk bed with the 30-year-old, plastic-encased, stained, thin-as-hell mattress and allow your eyes to fill with tears because you know you’ll never see each other again and you wish, despite all you experienced with her that summer, that you could catch one last glimpse of her and give her one final hug goodbye.

Well, sort of like that.

I’m not going to lie, I am happy to unlock from my ankle the ball and chain that is this show.  I toss it gleefully in the river.  But it did have its good moments.  Sometimes it was kooky and silly and gleeful in its trashiness.  But, nevertheless, I say goodbye for now, Franklin Lakes!  Goodbye, batshit crazy Housewives!  Let’s hope you manage to survive until next summer when we meet again.

The penultimate episode started out with the whole House clan heading over to Teresa’s house to feast upon bowls of olive oil with hunks of Parmigiano-Reggiano drowning in it.  They discuss, of course, the Prostitution Whore and the case against Ashley, the moron daughter.  Caroline is getting all hot and bothered about this stuff. 

“She just is so driven to try and hurt every single one of us.  The bottom line is, she just won’t go away.”  Caroline has the brilliant plan that she should go set things straight with our beloved Danielle.  (Hmmm..I wonder who came up with this idea?  Maybe…THE PRODUCERS?)  Caroline doesn’t seem to remember that every other Housewife has tried this only to have their various encounters with Danielle go spectacularly awry.  Caroline says she’ll don a bikini and dive into the mud pit with the Prostitution Whore as long as her homies have her back.  

Evil Danielle

Back at her moldering cave, Danielle gets Caroline’s text.  Caroline has written, “I’d like to put an end to all the nonsense,” and the Prostitution Whore doesn’t like that.  But Danielle is a strong, independent lady now and she’s going to this little get-together, come hell or high water.  She reminds her daughters to trust her because they’ve been praying about it.

What does this prayer sound like, you ask?  Danielle:  “Dear Gawd, please flip Dina’s Mercedes into a ditch.  And give Caroline the flesh-eating virus.  And have Jacqueline get run over by a freak escape bullet train.  And let Teresa’s daughters cannibalize her.  Oh, and let me find my biological mom and please make her an heiress.  Amen.”  Daughters:  “Dear Gawd, please send Child Protective Services to our house right now.  Mommy scares us.” 

In Danielle’s own words, “I’m not in fear no more.”  Her daughters roll their eyes as Mommy Dearest declares she will be heading into battle. 

“I will get the dignity and the respect that I deserve,” she declares.  Of course you will, honey!  Just like you did at the table-flipping dinner.  I mean, just like you did when you met with Dina at the restaurant.  No, I mean just like you did at the baby cancer dinner thing!  No, wait!, I mean just like you did at the fashion show!!  NO, HOLD ON, just like you did when you took Ashley to court!!!  Oh, screw it. 

You’ll never get the dignity and respect you deserve, Danielle, because you deserve no dignity and respect.  You deserve to be thrown face-first down into a sewer in a very heavily populated urban neighborhood.

Poor, poor Discount Danny shows up at Danielle’s fortress of solitude.  He hasn’t been fed or watered in a few days and is just looking for Danielle to throw some scraps his way.  Unfortunately for him, he gets the 4-1-1 on Danielle’s text from Caroline while he squats on the stairs in his stocking feet, stomach growling. 

Discount’s theory is that Caroline is the ruler of the clan.  He’s sort of listening to the Prostitution Whore but you can see in his eyes that he’s over it too.  He wants a hot meal and a spin-off show or he’s giving up this charade of being friends with Danielle.  Even trashy ex-con bodyguards with Supercuts haircuts and Wal-Mart jeans can take only so much.

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Has Danielle Staub really been fired from The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

As viewers consider this strong possibility, they were treated to a new episode of the hilarious/nauseating Bravo series last night. Our THG correspondent has every detail covered. Follow along now...

It struck me tonight:  Watching this show serves the same purpose as visiting a Roman vomitorium.  I feel queasy just changing the channel to Bravo now.  The nausea intensifies as I hear that fakey Godfather-like music start up.  My thoughts begin to race:  Can I handle it one more time or will this be the night that I bash myself over the head with the flat screen? 

Obviously I survived because here I am to share my random musings with you.  Here is the thought that compels me:  One more episode left! Yes, my dearies, we’ve come this far - we can make it to the bitter and horrifying finale.  Let’s all hold hands, say a little prayer, and take a deep breath as we dive in.  It’ll be over soon.

The Housewives Girl

The Housewives, Househusbands, Houseinlaws, Houseelders, and Housebrats dock in Naples. Everyone seems to be excited to get off the ship, especially Teresa’s whiny daughters.  Shirtless Joe bitches as he throws and kicks their 10 million bags down hallways and out of elevators.  He’s grouchier than ever. 

He’s cursing and stomping around having a tantrum.  Teresa tells us that he is pissy because he’s away from his businesses.  I believe that, if by “businesses” she means “half-empty bottles of booze in the basement at home.”

Once aboard the first of several ginormous buses, the nasty touristy kind, Teresa’s girls predictably break down.  Caroline shoots Teresa the snake eye but it is unfortunately ineffective.  “I don’t feel responsible at all if people are in a crappy mood.  That’s on them,” says Teresa.  Later, while exploring their hotel room, the Giudice bambinas discover a bidet, which Teresa refers to as a “beh-deh.” Joe, reminding us that he is a savvy world traveler with infinite knowledge about European culture, adds helpfully, “They’re like douches.”

I never thought I’d be so happy to see the Prostitution Whore and the decrepit lair she haunts but these annoying scenes of Italian tomfoolery are making me crazy.  Danielle reminds her defenseless daughters about her fight with Kim G. and then has a few moments of verbal diarrhea about finding her birth mom. 

At one point Christine uses the word “ass” and Danielle gets all bent out of shape.  “You’re too beautiful and too spiritual to speak like that,” says the woman who runs around town screaming profanities at other women across parking lots.

Filmed in Italy

Discount Danny comes to visit the Prostitution Whore.  They go to have some panini.  Poor Shirtless just wants to enjoy his hot n’ crusty, cheesy n’ olive oily panini but Prostitution insists on yammering away about the other Housewives.  Discount listens as Danielle explains that Ashley “has terroristic tendencies.” 

Danielle is positive she will be attacked by Ashley in the parking lot when she is just trying to get her precious panini.  Discount does a good job pretending to be interested.

Danielle has a private investigator come over so he can begin sleuthing around the backyard turning over rocks and studying the moss carefully with his magnifying glass while he smokes a pipe and twirls his moustache.  Sherlock Holmes doesn’t give her very much hope of finding her teenage birth mom and Danielle lets us know that she wants no drug addicted or homeless biological mommies. She just wants a rich one that will let her inherit a ton of unearned money.

Later Sherlock calls the Prostitution Whore to let her know that finding the records of the birth mom might take up to ten years.  None of us cares one tiny bit, even when Danielle fake cries and tries to act all sensitive and damaged and tells us she’s leaving it in God’s hands.  We don’t care whose hands she’s leaving what in, as long as we don’t have to hear about it anymore.

Back in Italy everyone boards yet another big ass bus to go somewhere, I think to terrorize a small country village.  Shirtless is cursing up a storm while his daughters beat each other senseless.  “Joe on the bus, he was tired, he was cranky, and he was just lashing out at everybody,” Caroline explains.

Everyone is rolling their eyes and making their fingers look like guns ready to blow their brains out as Shirtless slurs and hollers from his seat.  I keep waiting for Albert to yell, “Shuddup already!”  Now a conflict between the dudes would have actually been an entertaining moment in this backed-up sewer of a show.

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

According to a new tabloid report, Bravo has finally grown weary of Danielle Staub.

Despite the record ratings The Real Housewives of New Jersey has delivered this season, a source tells Life & Style that the show's most controversial star won't return in 2011.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

"Danielle was told that she would not be returning for a third season," an insider said, describing the firing as "a complete shock" to Staub.

The nut job responded to this rumor by essentially confirming it. In a statement, she said: "I'm not even thinking about season 3 right now as I am considering many incredible options that have been presented to me... next year, I'll still be the one you either love to hate or hate to love."

Oh God, is she referring to a spin-off?!?

Although Staub delivers the sort of scandals and fights that reality TV executives crave, new, extremely sordid details about her drug-dealing past came to light last week.

Combined with a sex tape, there's only so much a network can ignore.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey concludes this season on August 23 - and then airs two more reunion specials on August 30 and September 6. If Staub really is being let go, Bravo will milk every last possible second of publicity it can out of her craziness.

Would you be sad to see Danielle fired?

 

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

MAKE IT STOP!  Someone please put a bullet in the head of this show!
- THG intern forced to cover The Real Housewives of New Jersey, following last night's episode.

It's hard to ask for a better tease than that, isn't it?!? Try not to purchase any firearms today, Real Housewives Girl, and entertain us with another detailed review of the most nauseating show on television...

I just have to be honest.  I am getting so sick of this used barf bag of a show.  I want to scream every time I look in the channel guide and I see YET AGAIN that next week’s episode is not the season finale.  I then scream, “Nooooooooooo!” at the television until the dude next door pounds on the wall to get me to shut up.  And I’m sorry if I use a lot of my CAPS LOCK key this week because that is the closest I can get to screaming through a review.

The Housewives Girl

Well, the first big whoop covered this time was Shirtless Joe’s stupid drunk driving accident.  He rolled his truck somewhere in the great Jersey wilderness.  But dry those eyes and turn that frown upside down! 

Shirtless is safe and sound and he has a very eloquent explanation for this idiotic mistake:  “I was commin’ down the street and I yawned for a second.  And as I yawned I floored it a little bit.”  Then he hit trees and a pole but, don’t you worry your pretty little heads for a moment because an angel was looking over him.  Then he called the cops and drank more scotch while he waited, like all highly intelligent people. 

“God forbid anything happen to Joe,” says Teresa.  “I don’t know what I would have done.”  I know what you would have done - moved in with relatives ASAP as your house was immediately repossessed.

If you think Danielle Staub is unaware of this whole Shirtless Joe debacle, you’re wrong.  Our favorite skeletal ex-exotic-dancer-turned-nightmarish-housewife meets with Discount Danny, Ex-Bodyguard Extraordinaire to discuss how Shirtless was arrested for a “DWI."  Though it has absolutely nothing to do with her, Danielle is ticked off at Shirtless Joe’s behavior. 

She wonders why he was out at 2:00 in the morning.  “I know strip clubs are open at that hour,” says Danielle, suggesting, I guess, that perhaps Shirtless strayed from Teresa.  She knows all this top-secret strip club information because she frequents these clubs to fling her praying mantis-like body around metal poles and to spread her legs for all the randoms assembled. 

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by Free Britney at . Comments

Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice hate each other. But they love their daughters, with whom they bonded last night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Unfortunately in the case of Teresa and husband Joe, their lavish displays of affection are driving them into bankruptcy. Yet the materialism continues. Hard.

Danielle, meanwhile, wants to make sure 16-year-old Christine is a good girl. Sexually. This from a woman who stars in the sex tape Danielle Staub Raw.

Later, Staub gets into an obligatory, unrelated brawl at a restaurant. Standard.

Below, THG's Real Housewives expert tackles all of last night's absurd antics:

The Housewives Girl

At the beginning of Monday’s episode, Teresa and Shirtless Joe visit the Brownstone to scope out the site for baby Audriana’s christening. Shirtless is looking mighty nervous as Teresa rattles off her list of demands. He almost looks like me might puke.

“I could tell Joe was a little nervous. I used to be able to spend what I wanted when I wanted. Now he’s like, ‘Don’t spend a lot of money!’” laments Teresa.

What does she want exactly?

A cocktail hour, a full bar, a sit-down dinner… basically a wedding… for a baby. “Just make it nice, but not too nice. You know whud I mean,” Joe mumbles to Christopher, visions of the poor house dancing in Joe’s little head.

Elsewhere in Jerseyland, Danielle takes Christine to the doctor’s office for yet another reality show television moment that really shouldn’t exist.

“Now that she’s 16, I’m taking Christine to her first OB-GYN appointment. Growing up, I never had a mom to relate to,” Danielle reflects, clearly oblivious to the fact that her daughters are also growing up without a mom to relate to. 

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

There was no hair-pulling or police called to the scene this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

So, what did go down? That's a question for our Real Housewives correspondent. She dishes on last night's episode below...

Tonight’s episode began with a sweet and wholesome family night at the Giudices’ Macaroni Mansion.  The girls are playing Monopoly with Teresa and Shirtless Joe.  The irony of any member of the Giudice family playing a game that involves managing money does not go unnoticed.  Evidently the Lord and Lady of the manor will soon celebrate their 10th anniversary. 

We realize it’s taken this unfortunate pair just ten short years to blow through millions and millions of dollars... dollars they didn’t have in the first place.

The Housewives Girl

Across town at Danielle’s crumbling lair she is hatching a plan…it is a plan to gain total world dominance using her radioactive breast implants.  No, actually it’s a plan to celebrate her daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 without actually using any of her own money.  “Amazingly I’ve never had a birthday party thrown for me until I turned 47 years old,” she tells us.  Perhaps this is because no one likes you and you have no friends?

Christine wants to donate any money she “earns” at the party to charity.  Danielle is smugly proud of this fact as if she herself is donating money to charity.  “My children are living by my example,” she proudly states.  What example is that, exactly?  Usually you create mayhem at charity events.  Is this what you hope your daughters learn from you?  Yowsers.

Cute freckled little sis Jillian, already a singer-songwriter at age eleven, is planning her debut performance at the soiree.  Mommy Dearest is intent that Jillian sing in front of hundreds of guests (most are being paid to show up, I assume) despite the fact that the child breaks down in a rehearsal and says she doesn’t want to do it.

Teresa and Baby

Later, Jacqueline and her husband, Silent Bob, go to visit the Giudice pile o’ bricks.  Much discussion about Teresa’s possible anniversary gift ensues.  No one mentions a gift for Shirtless Joe.  “I want him to surprise me.  I want him to really, like, make it big,” Teresa says.  Shirtless Joe slurs, “She wants this friggin’ diamond…(unintelligible muttering)… I don’t know.  We’ll see.” 

Teresa doesn’t need “a crown jewel”, though, because she’s “not an Arabic.”  Unfortunately, buying a nice chunk of cubic zirconium might be more feasible because Shirtless admits that money “is just trickling” in right now.  How sad for them.

Inspiringly, Crown Prince Albie has decided to join the Police Academy “while my law school career is on hold.”  He goes on to explain, “You learn how to, you know, arrest someone and what happens after they’re arrested.”  We are so lucky to have this Albie around answering all of life’s tough questions. 

I always wondered what police trainees were taught in police school.  He thinks this will really help him when he becomes a lawyer because, “I’ll know what a cop’s thinking.”

As usual, Caroline is just barely keeping herself from giggling girlishly and swooning at her son’s feet. She’s all hot and bothered about the prospect of her son dressed up like a real Man of the Law, complete with a night stick with which to knock her around a bit.  “He’s cute as it is.  Can you imagine him in a uniform?  Good God!”  She’s blushing and sweating and it’s so profoundly odd I don’t even really know what else to say.

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Hey, New Jersey residents, have you thanked Danielle Staub yet for putting your state on the map?

Hurry up and do so - and then read our Real Housewives correspondents' latest take on the antics of Danielle and company, courtesy of last night's episode...

Let me start out by saying that watching this show in HD is a scary experience.  My cable company finally upgraded Bravo to HD and while I was initially excited about this change, now I don’t know if this is a good thing, especially when Danielle is on the screen. 

You can see every smear of her pancake makeup, the shine reflecting off her artificially protruding cheekbones, and all the divots and pockmarks in her extremely freckled chest.  If I squint, I can almost see the puncture marks from the Botox injections she has had.  It’s the stuff of nightmares.

The Housewives Girl

At the beginning of the episode, Shirtless Joe takes the girls to a karate center.  (Side note:  Is it just me or does that middle daughter, Gabriella, look NOTHING like the other ones or her parents?  As the “Sesame Street” song says, one of these things is not like the others.  Just saying.) 

The girls are padded up for protection and then Shirtless Joe puts them in a circle and tries to get them to fight.  It’s sort of gross watching Shirtless watch his girls pound each other, knowing what guys think about girls fighting other girls.  “If you beat each other up I’m going to buy you a nice hot dog,” he tells them.  Let me remind everyone that one of these children is three years old. 

The girls proceed to fight using no karate principles or skills whatsoever.  “Don’t mess with my girls.  They’re tough cookies,” Teresa says. But aren’t they divas, too?  Can one be both a diva and a karate master?  This is a question for the ages.

Elsewhere, Danielle takes her tortured daughters to a self-defense lesson and, thrillingly, Discount Danny is there!  Let’s be honest:  He probably has no home so he just goes from one Danielle-focused activity to the next so he can be inside where it’s warm. 

Danny seems to think that he is going to be teaching the ladies how to effectively beat down a ho, particularly the kind of ho who will pull your weave out of your skull.  By “teaching” I mean that Danny stands in the corner in his Wal-Mart jeans watching the women with a creepy smile while professionals do the teaching.

Danielle in Training

To give Danielle something to visualize as she punches, it is decided that the instructor’s fists will be named “Teresa” and “Jacqueline."  Danielle punches with vigor and glee while her daughters look on.

Don’t you wonder what that older daughter is thinking?  The little one is probably still in the “I love my mommy” phase but the older one, Christine, has to realize her mom is bat-shit.  “God, you’re into this,” says Christine as she sees the hellfire in her mom’s eyes.  “It only takes one good smack to the head to make a person never walk again,” Danielle explains to us.  “I need to watch my back.”

Advice for Christine:  Choose an out-of-state college or, even better, an out-of-country college.  You can escape from your mom!

Fortunately for us, the boxing field trip is not the end of Discount Danny’s presence in the episode. We are treated to one more look at him when he meets Danielle at a coffee shop to talk about Ashley and The Night of the Pulled Weave.  Also in attendance is Danny’s nameless/voiceless sidekick.  Who exactly is that guy?  He’s shown up with Danny in a few episodes now and all he ever does is raise his eyebrows and nod his head.  He appears to know even less English than Shirtless Joe. 

Why on earth do these grown men care so much about Danielle and her endless fights?

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Following his client's confrontation with Teresa Giudice and other Real Housewives of New Jersey on this week's explosive episode, the attorney for Danielle Staub says he plans on filing a lawsuit.

Along with assault and battery charges, the lawyer says he'll seek damages for "defamation of character." To this assertion, Giudice has the following response:

HAHA!

"Don't make me laugh. I think she's defamed her own reputation all by herself," Giudice told Popeater yesterday, clearly referring to Staub's history of drug use, prostitution, sex tape production and overall lunacy.

Angry Teresa

Unlike Staub, Giudice is aware that filing a restraining order against a reality TV co-star is more ridiculous than any defense of Mel Gibson.

These women are paid to interact with one another in front of the camera. They don't just choose to do so - they profit from the confrontations!

"Believe me, if we could get a restraining order against a cast member, Danielle would have had four against her already," Teresa said. "I never threatened her. She, however, has been on camera threatening me, stalking me and even practicing doing me harm."

Meanwhile, while viewers may claim to be be disgusted by these women, the ratings say otherwise:

Tuesday's episode set a record for Bravo, becoming the highest-rated non-finale of the series. A total of 3.29 million fans tuned in.

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

You've gotta love reality TV.

On Monday night, Bravo aired an epic fight between Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice. It eventually resulted in Jacqueline Laurita’s 19-year-old daughter (Ashley Holmes) ripping out the former's weave.

This confrontation actually took place in November, however, as it was documented at the time and Holmes was forced by the court to pay a $189 fine. Case closed, right?

Wrong says Staub's lawyer, Paul Giblin. Speaking to Hollywood Life, he said of the incident:  “We are going to use this footage and prepare a case against these women. We are seeking assault and battery charges, defamation of character and punitive damages as well.”

Don't You Ever!

First, we'll need a few minutes to stop laughing over the concept that anything could defame Staub at this point. Pretty sure her arrest record and sex tape have done that on their own already.

Second, any case Staub and her lawyer wished to have brought against her castmates would have been filed months ago. This incident is old news. It was simply shown to the world this week, on a series for which Staub makes hundreds of thousands of dollars to appear.

This makes Giblin's concluding comments positivelty hilarious:

“We will get restraining orders by the judge against Teresa, Ashley and all others involved... We are going to ask to impose sanctions against these women, whatever the law allows... This is some kind of conspiracy, it’s like a gang mentality.”

If Giblin is referring to the gang of Bravo writers that came up with this storyline, then he's absolutely correct.

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