If rumors are to be believed, Danielle Staub appeared in her final, non-reunion Real Housewives of New Jersey episode last night.
Fortunately, the mentally unbalanced nut job gave our reality show correspondent plenty to write about, as she wraps up her hilarious reviews below. Enjoy...
Saying goodbye to this show felt a lot like when I was a summer camp counselor and I had to say goodbye to the most annoying girl in my cabin. It’s sort of like, oh, 'I’m going to miss her so much even though she’s mostly a gigantic pain in my ass.'
You know that once in awhile (and I mean ONCE in a LONG, LONG while) she could be funny or entertaining and you start thinking that the times where she was funny and entertaining were much more numerous than they actually were. And you get all nostalgic and think you selfishly pissed away your good times together, that you were a bitchy counselor who just focused on all the stupid shit she did.
And you throw yourself onto your metal bunk bed with the 30-year-old, plastic-encased, stained, thin-as-hell mattress and allow your eyes to fill with tears because you know you’ll never see each other again and you wish, despite all you experienced with her that summer, that you could catch one last glimpse of her and give her one final hug goodbye.
Well, sort of like that.
I’m not going to lie, I am happy to unlock from my ankle the ball and chain that is this show. I toss it gleefully in the river. But it did have its good moments. Sometimes it was kooky and silly and gleeful in its trashiness. But, nevertheless, I say goodbye for now, Franklin Lakes! Goodbye, batshit crazy Housewives! Let’s hope you manage to survive until next summer when we meet again.
The penultimate episode started out with the whole House clan heading over to Teresa’s house to feast upon bowls of olive oil with hunks of Parmigiano-Reggiano drowning in it. They discuss, of course, the Prostitution Whore and the case against Ashley, the moron daughter. Caroline is getting all hot and bothered about this stuff.
“She just is so driven to try and hurt every single one of us. The bottom line is, she just won’t go away.” Caroline has the brilliant plan that she should go set things straight with our beloved Danielle. (Hmmm..I wonder who came up with this idea? Maybe…THE PRODUCERS?) Caroline doesn’t seem to remember that every other Housewife has tried this only to have their various encounters with Danielle go spectacularly awry. Caroline says she’ll don a bikini and dive into the mud pit with the Prostitution Whore as long as her homies have her back.
Back at her moldering cave, Danielle gets Caroline’s text. Caroline has written, “I’d like to put an end to all the nonsense,” and the Prostitution Whore doesn’t like that. But Danielle is a strong, independent lady now and she’s going to this little get-together, come hell or high water. She reminds her daughters to trust her because they’ve been praying about it.
What does this prayer sound like, you ask? Danielle: “Dear Gawd, please flip Dina’s Mercedes into a ditch. And give Caroline the flesh-eating virus. And have Jacqueline get run over by a freak escape bullet train. And let Teresa’s daughters cannibalize her. Oh, and let me find my biological mom and please make her an heiress. Amen.” Daughters: “Dear Gawd, please send Child Protective Services to our house right now. Mommy scares us.”
In Danielle’s own words, “I’m not in fear no more.” Her daughters roll their eyes as Mommy Dearest declares she will be heading into battle.
“I will get the dignity and the respect that I deserve,” she declares. Of course you will, honey! Just like you did at the table-flipping dinner. I mean, just like you did when you met with Dina at the restaurant. No, I mean just like you did at the baby cancer dinner thing! No, wait!, I mean just like you did at the fashion show!! NO, HOLD ON, just like you did when you took Ashley to court!!! Oh, screw it.
You’ll never get the dignity and respect you deserve, Danielle, because you deserve no dignity and respect. You deserve to be thrown face-first down into a sewer in a very heavily populated urban neighborhood.
Poor, poor Discount Danny shows up at Danielle’s fortress of solitude. He hasn’t been fed or watered in a few days and is just looking for Danielle to throw some scraps his way. Unfortunately for him, he gets the 4-1-1 on Danielle’s text from Caroline while he squats on the stairs in his stocking feet, stomach growling.
Discount’s theory is that Caroline is the ruler of the clan. He’s sort of listening to the Prostitution Whore but you can see in his eyes that he’s over it too. He wants a hot meal and a spin-off show or he’s giving up this charade of being friends with Danielle. Even trashy ex-con bodyguards with Supercuts haircuts and Wal-Mart jeans can take only so much.