It was totally on last night between Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice.
Complete country club chaos broke out on the Bravo hit, highlighted by these self-centered stars going at it. Let's see what our Real Housewives correspondent had to say about the exciting episode...
Seriously? How much more screwed up can this show and these women get? To top tonight’s country club mayhem the Housewives will have to get rocket launchers and reduce each other’s homes into rubble. I don’t think any of us would be surprised if that happened.
The episode begins where we left off last week: Teresa and Danielle engaging in momentary fake-nice small talk before everything turns into a major kerfuffle. There is immediately a lot of shrieking and screaming, women forcing each other down into chairs, women rushing down darkened hallways, bodyguards pushing woman off to the side, dishes smashing, weaves swinging, heels breaking.
Thank goodness there are subtitles because nothing is comprehensible except for the random shouting of “bitch!” The rest of it sounds like, “Aaaaaahhhhheeeerrrrraaaaanooooo!” The jerkiness of the camerawork as it chases the Housewives is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project and is, in many ways, equally as scary.
At one point early in the brawl, Teresa says to Danielle, “So what, bitch? I live in a $5 million home now.” “And it’s in foreclosure!” screams Danielle. This statement pisses Teresa off more than anything else. “Danielle said my house is going into foreclosure. It’s none of her business what’s going on in my life. I was trying to be nice and Danielle started it,” she tells us.
Pause for a moment: I do hate Danielle and was secretly glad to see her getting hunted down like a gazelle on the Serengeti but Teresa really did start everything, at least on that night at the country club. Had she not insisted on approaching Danielle and “saying hi” nothing would have happened. Or maybe the producers asked Teresa to approach Danielle? I know huge fights like this can’t hurt the number of viewers the show attracts. Thoughts?
As things escalate and women are running amok on broken heels, Danielle enlists the help of Kim G, of her bodyguard (no, not Discount Danny but don’t fret—he shows up later in the episode), and Kim G’s driver. “Get me out of here! I’m gonna pass out! GET ME OUTTA HERE!” screams Danielle as she hides in a corner outside.
Evidently she can’t move because her heels are broken. “I can’t walk!” She is a sobbing and crying mess. It’s not pretty but, man, is it ever funny.
Then occurs the moment that will be re-lived by Danielle non-stop for years to come: Jacqueline’s wayward daughter Ashley comes up and yanks on Danielle’s weave. Supposedly she did this because she thought Danielle had punched her mom but, secretly, I think she did it just because she wanted to. If I saw Danielle in real life I’d probably want to do the same thing.
The next thing we know, the bodyguard is carrying Danielle to Kim G’s Bentley. In the car Kim G is screaming in Danielle’s ear. “Listen to me! Stop! Calm down, please!!” Sorry, Kim G, Danielle probably won’t calm down for a few more years.
Though we are all worn out just watching this crap, Teresa is still rearing to go. “I wanna talk to the bitch,” Teresa explains to Jacqueline as she approaches the Bentley where Danielle is hiding and having hysterics. Jacqueline is perplexed. “Why?! What is the point?! Let her live her miserable life. She’s miserable. Let her live it. Who gives a shit? Who cares?” Silly Jacqui! You’re talking to Teresa like she understands you and has a grasp on reality!
Ha, ha. So funny.
Meanwhile Danielle is still screaming and crying in the Bentley. “I really feel very violated by Ashley. And I’m gonna feel violated by Jacqueline,” she says. Then Danielle demands that the cops be called and charges be pressed while Teresa dances around the parking lot and Jacqueline stands there petting her baby seal coat, just waiting for some more crazy shit to go down.
“Look at all this hair she pulled out of my head! That’s not even my extension! That’s my hair!” I love it that Danielle isn’t even embarrassed to admit she has a weave. Not in this time of great personal misery and stress!