The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps

The Real Housewives of New Jersey had "A Manzo of Her Word" but it was a little boy who stole the show. We recap the smiles and tears in THG's +/- review.

Someone completely stole the show this week and it wasn't a housewife. It wasn't even one of their husbands.

It was a little boy who learned to say I love you, Mommy. Plus 50.

To be honest at first it appeared that little Nick was only repeating the words to get the lollipop but when Chris Laurita said that it had been over 18 months since his wife had heard those words from her son, I couldn't help but be moved, no matter what the child's motivation.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey kicked off season 5 with a "Garden State of Emergency" - and we've recapped all of the ignorance and attitude in our THG +/- review.

The Housewives return to the Jersey Shore to witness the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. Entire neighborhoods are destroyed and as someone who spent summers at the Jersey Shore, it is heartbreaking to witness.

Of course, it's a little hard to shed any tears for these women as they tour their once opulent vacation homes. Minus 15. As Caroline points out, there are real people whose only homes got swept away by the storm.

Teresa laments how she could have "drownded" if she'd been there. Plus 10. It's been a long time since I've heard a Teresa-ism.

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On The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part 3, we finally learn who really worked as a stripper in college and so much more.

We recap all the screeching accusations and surprising revelations in our THG +/- review.

The Real Housewives husbands arrive and it isn't long before they are all yelling at one another to "shut the f**k up!"  Minus 12. If only any of them would listen.

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Cheating allegations involving husband Joe have dogged Teresa Giudice all year on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Now new details have come to light.

Reports say he was canoodling - and likely more - with an Atlantic City side piece last month.

Georgia resident Rosie Jones tells Radar Online she was at Harrah's Resort when she spotted Joe Guidice at the bar with a woman he eventually left in a cab with.

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If you thought The Real Housewives of New Jersey yelled during the regular season, you haven't heard anything yet.

"Reunion Part Two" had so much finger pointing, name calling and out and out screaming that I thought I might go deaf. We break it all down in our THG +/- review.

First we'll start with the tirade coming from Rosie. "I will rip her f**king head off" and "I'll f**king kill her" were just some of the things heard being bellowed from back stage. Minus 12. Teresa really brings out the best in people, doesn't she?

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey opens with its first of three "Reunion" shows and Andy needs a whip and a chair to keep these women from tearing one another apart.  We'll recap how the claws come out in our THG +/- review.

The Housewives haven't been in the same room together since the fateful night before last year's reunion when the Posche fashion show episode was filmed.

Since then Teresa has sold yet another cookbook. That's three so far and they are all New York Times best sellers.  Minus 10.  Who are you people buying these things and why?

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It's the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and it's a "Strip Down Memory Lane" but whose memory is telling the truth?  We recap all of the lies, spies, and hidden texting in our THG +/- review!

Angelo, the former strip club manager now supposed spa owner is back and not only is this guy sleazy, he's a horrible actor.  Minus 10.

I love Kathy's reaction to the guy.  She thinks he's just some sleazeball hitting on Melissa.  Well, she's half right. Then she rolls her eyes when she quips, "We're all married here.  Move along."  Plus 8.

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If rumors are to be believed, Danielle Staub appeared in her final, non-reunion Real Housewives of New Jersey episode last night.

Fortunately, the mentally unbalanced nut job gave our reality show correspondent plenty to write about, as she wraps up her hilarious reviews below. Enjoy...

Saying goodbye to this show felt a lot like when I was a summer camp counselor and I had to say goodbye to the most annoying girl in my cabin.  It’s sort of like, oh, 'I’m going to miss her so much even though she’s mostly a gigantic pain in my ass.'

You know that once in awhile (and I mean ONCE in a LONG, LONG while) she could be funny or entertaining and you start thinking that the times where she was funny and entertaining were much more numerous than they actually were.  And you get all nostalgic and think you selfishly pissed away your good times together, that you were a bitchy counselor who just focused on all the stupid shit she did.

And you throw yourself onto your metal bunk bed with the 30-year-old, plastic-encased, stained, thin-as-hell mattress and allow your eyes to fill with tears because you know you’ll never see each other again and you wish, despite all you experienced with her that summer, that you could catch one last glimpse of her and give her one final hug goodbye.

Well, sort of like that.

I’m not going to lie, I am happy to unlock from my ankle the ball and chain that is this show.  I toss it gleefully in the river.  But it did have its good moments.  Sometimes it was kooky and silly and gleeful in its trashiness.  But, nevertheless, I say goodbye for now, Franklin Lakes!  Goodbye, batshit crazy Housewives!  Let’s hope you manage to survive until next summer when we meet again.

The penultimate episode started out with the whole House clan heading over to Teresa’s house to feast upon bowls of olive oil with hunks of Parmigiano-Reggiano drowning in it.  They discuss, of course, the Prostitution Whore and the case against Ashley, the moron daughter.  Caroline is getting all hot and bothered about this stuff. 

“She just is so driven to try and hurt every single one of us.  The bottom line is, she just won’t go away.”  Caroline has the brilliant plan that she should go set things straight with our beloved Danielle.  (Hmmm..I wonder who came up with this idea?  Maybe…THE PRODUCERS?)  Caroline doesn’t seem to remember that every other Housewife has tried this only to have their various encounters with Danielle go spectacularly awry.  Caroline says she’ll don a bikini and dive into the mud pit with the Prostitution Whore as long as her homies have her back.  

Back at her moldering cave, Danielle gets Caroline’s text.  Caroline has written, “I’d like to put an end to all the nonsense,” and the Prostitution Whore doesn’t like that.  But Danielle is a strong, independent lady now and she’s going to this little get-together, come hell or high water.  She reminds her daughters to trust her because they’ve been praying about it.

What does this prayer sound like, you ask?  Danielle:  “Dear Gawd, please flip Dina’s Mercedes into a ditch.  And give Caroline the flesh-eating virus.  And have Jacqueline get run over by a freak escape bullet train.  And let Teresa’s daughters cannibalize her.  Oh, and let me find my biological mom and please make her an heiress.  Amen.”  Daughters:  “Dear Gawd, please send Child Protective Services to our house right now.  Mommy scares us.” 

In Danielle’s own words, “I’m not in fear no more.”  Her daughters roll their eyes as Mommy Dearest declares she will be heading into battle. 

“I will get the dignity and the respect that I deserve,” she declares.  Of course you will, honey!  Just like you did at the table-flipping dinner.  I mean, just like you did when you met with Dina at the restaurant.  No, I mean just like you did at the baby cancer dinner thing!  No, wait!, I mean just like you did at the fashion show!!  NO, HOLD ON, just like you did when you took Ashley to court!!!  Oh, screw it. 

You’ll never get the dignity and respect you deserve, Danielle, because you deserve no dignity and respect.  You deserve to be thrown face-first down into a sewer in a very heavily populated urban neighborhood.

Poor, poor Discount Danny shows up at Danielle’s fortress of solitude.  He hasn’t been fed or watered in a few days and is just looking for Danielle to throw some scraps his way.  Unfortunately for him, he gets the 4-1-1 on Danielle’s text from Caroline while he squats on the stairs in his stocking feet, stomach growling. 

Discount’s theory is that Caroline is the ruler of the clan.  He’s sort of listening to the Prostitution Whore but you can see in his eyes that he’s over it too.  He wants a hot meal and a spin-off show or he’s giving up this charade of being friends with Danielle.  Even trashy ex-con bodyguards with Supercuts haircuts and Wal-Mart jeans can take only so much.

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Has Danielle Staub really been fired from The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

As viewers consider this strong possibility, they were treated to a new episode of the hilarious/nauseating Bravo series last night. Our THG correspondent has every detail covered. Follow along now...

It struck me tonight:  Watching this show serves the same purpose as visiting a Roman vomitorium.  I feel queasy just changing the channel to Bravo now.  The nausea intensifies as I hear that fakey Godfather-like music start up.  My thoughts begin to race:  Can I handle it one more time or will this be the night that I bash myself over the head with the flat screen? 

Obviously I survived because here I am to share my random musings with you.  Here is the thought that compels me:  One more episode left! Yes, my dearies, we’ve come this far - we can make it to the bitter and horrifying finale.  Let’s all hold hands, say a little prayer, and take a deep breath as we dive in.  It’ll be over soon.

The Housewives, Househusbands, Houseinlaws, Houseelders, and Housebrats dock in Naples. Everyone seems to be excited to get off the ship, especially Teresa’s whiny daughters.  Shirtless Joe bitches as he throws and kicks their 10 million bags down hallways and out of elevators.  He’s grouchier than ever. 

He’s cursing and stomping around having a tantrum.  Teresa tells us that he is pissy because he’s away from his businesses.  I believe that, if by “businesses” she means “half-empty bottles of booze in the basement at home.”

Once aboard the first of several ginormous buses, the nasty touristy kind, Teresa’s girls predictably break down.  Caroline shoots Teresa the snake eye but it is unfortunately ineffective.  “I don’t feel responsible at all if people are in a crappy mood.  That’s on them,” says Teresa.  Later, while exploring their hotel room, the Giudice bambinas discover a bidet, which Teresa refers to as a “beh-deh.” Joe, reminding us that he is a savvy world traveler with infinite knowledge about European culture, adds helpfully, “They’re like douches.”

I never thought I’d be so happy to see the Prostitution Whore and the decrepit lair she haunts but these annoying scenes of Italian tomfoolery are making me crazy.  Danielle reminds her defenseless daughters about her fight with Kim G. and then has a few moments of verbal diarrhea about finding her birth mom. 

At one point Christine uses the word “ass” and Danielle gets all bent out of shape.  “You’re too beautiful and too spiritual to speak like that,” says the woman who runs around town screaming profanities at other women across parking lots.

Discount Danny comes to visit the Prostitution Whore.  They go to have some panini.  Poor Shirtless just wants to enjoy his hot n’ crusty, cheesy n’ olive oily panini but Prostitution insists on yammering away about the other Housewives.  Discount listens as Danielle explains that Ashley “has terroristic tendencies.” 

Danielle is positive she will be attacked by Ashley in the parking lot when she is just trying to get her precious panini.  Discount does a good job pretending to be interested.

Danielle has a private investigator come over so he can begin sleuthing around the backyard turning over rocks and studying the moss carefully with his magnifying glass while he smokes a pipe and twirls his moustache.  Sherlock Holmes doesn’t give her very much hope of finding her teenage birth mom and Danielle lets us know that she wants no drug addicted or homeless biological mommies. She just wants a rich one that will let her inherit a ton of unearned money.

Later Sherlock calls the Prostitution Whore to let her know that finding the records of the birth mom might take up to ten years.  None of us cares one tiny bit, even when Danielle fake cries and tries to act all sensitive and damaged and tells us she’s leaving it in God’s hands.  We don’t care whose hands she’s leaving what in, as long as we don’t have to hear about it anymore.

Back in Italy everyone boards yet another big ass bus to go somewhere, I think to terrorize a small country village.  Shirtless is cursing up a storm while his daughters beat each other senseless.  “Joe on the bus, he was tired, he was cranky, and he was just lashing out at everybody,” Caroline explains.

Everyone is rolling their eyes and making their fingers look like guns ready to blow their brains out as Shirtless slurs and hollers from his seat.  I keep waiting for Albert to yell, “Shuddup already!”  Now a conflict between the dudes would have actually been an entertaining moment in this backed-up sewer of a show.

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MAKE IT STOP!  Someone please put a bullet in the head of this show!
- THG intern forced to cover The Real Housewives of New Jersey, following last night's episode.

It's hard to ask for a better tease than that, isn't it?!? Try not to purchase any firearms today, Real Housewives Girl, and entertain us with another detailed review of the most nauseating show on television...

I just have to be honest.  I am getting so sick of this used barf bag of a show.  I want to scream every time I look in the channel guide and I see YET AGAIN that next week’s episode is not the season finale.  I then scream, “Nooooooooooo!” at the television until the dude next door pounds on the wall to get me to shut up.  And I’m sorry if I use a lot of my CAPS LOCK key this week because that is the closest I can get to screaming through a review.

Well, the first big whoop covered this time was Shirtless Joe’s stupid drunk driving accident.  He rolled his truck somewhere in the great Jersey wilderness.  But dry those eyes and turn that frown upside down! 

Shirtless is safe and sound and he has a very eloquent explanation for this idiotic mistake:  “I was commin’ down the street and I yawned for a second.  And as I yawned I floored it a little bit.”  Then he hit trees and a pole but, don’t you worry your pretty little heads for a moment because an angel was looking over him.  Then he called the cops and drank more scotch while he waited, like all highly intelligent people. 

“God forbid anything happen to Joe,” says Teresa.  “I don’t know what I would have done.”  I know what you would have done - moved in with relatives ASAP as your house was immediately repossessed.

If you think Danielle Staub is unaware of this whole Shirtless Joe debacle, you’re wrong.  Our favorite skeletal ex-exotic-dancer-turned-nightmarish-housewife meets with Discount Danny, Ex-Bodyguard Extraordinaire to discuss how Shirtless was arrested for a “DWI."  Though it has absolutely nothing to do with her, Danielle is ticked off at Shirtless Joe’s behavior. 

She wonders why he was out at 2:00 in the morning.  “I know strip clubs are open at that hour,” says Danielle, suggesting, I guess, that perhaps Shirtless strayed from Teresa.  She knows all this top-secret strip club information because she frequents these clubs to fling her praying mantis-like body around metal poles and to spread her legs for all the randoms assembled. 

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