The Real Housewives of Miami

After each episode ends on Tuesday nights, we vow never to watch these Miami broads again. And yet, here we are.

It's as if we're saying to Andy Cohen, "Show us how much worse it can get. We sit here week after week waiting for this show to measure up to the other franchises, and each time we're disappointed."

I believe this series isn't working because Miami does not appeal to the masses.

The Real Housewives formula is almost flawless. Almost. The production company must be careful to select a city based on what they believe their readers will enjoy.

Beverly Hills was an obvious choice (albeit a little late).

Naturally we adore (and most of the time loathe) our Orange County bimbos and we find the tri-state dopes challenging.

Atlanta and D.C. we could take or leave, but they're stronger than Miami. Bravo has tried to entice us before with shows like Miami Social and we were just bored.

Second time around ain't much better; the women are either vapid and childish, or obnoxiously self-righteous. The strange part is that most of the Housewives are like this, but we just can't seem to get along with the Miami chicks.

Is it because we can't relate? Or is it because they just bug us so much more than the other women? I still haven't found the answer, but I spend each Tuesday wondering why I don't jive with the cast of The Real Housewives Of Miami.

Larsa is becoming more and more unlikable. She tricked us into thinking she was down-to-earth in the premiere, but we quickly caught on after a few episodes.

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No cast member has accused her ex-husband of raping her on a bed of broken glass, nor as any talked incessantly about her divorce from a famous sitcom star.

But, not to worry, Real Housewives of Miami fans, Lea Black knows how to make a few headlines for her Bravo franchise.

She has penned an editorial for The Huffington Post in which she sets out to prove that she's "politically active." After detailing her experience in the field, Black goes on to trash Sarah Palin, offering advice "from one reality star to another: Save the "domestic" drama for your reality show!"

"Sarah Palin is the sideshow in the circus that everyone wants to watch, but that most people don't take seriously," Black told E! News about the basis for her article. "The Republican Party has become a circus and she's the sideshow act that everyone likes to laugh at, not with."

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There are very few reasons I still watch The Real Housewives Of Miami, and they all have to do with either boredom or a hiatus of better shows.

None of the women who signed up for this franchise have made an impact, other than turning us all off to Miami. While my anxiety levels are at zero for this go-round, my attention has not been caught.

This proves to everyone that as vibrant as that pocket of Florida might seem, it's nothing more than a pack of floozies in gaudy get-ups. 

Lea (above) and Larsa have decided that last night was the perfect opportunity to introduce their cleavage. It was everywhere-staring you in the face at a gallery, leaning in to listen over a three-hour lunch. Actually, I take that back. Lea's made their debut at her gala last week, and we can't look her in the eye as a result.

Alexia should think about forcing her son to get a job, or to do something that requires him to interact with semi-normal humans who don't live in Miami.

Disney World would change his life. Not modeling, because that will only make the problem worse. And the young buck is planning to graduate high school?

And he wants a DJ that will spin tunes for $5,000/hour?

Grab yourself an Ipod, son, and start making a grad mix. These are hard times we've fallen on and we're not spending money on such frivolous things.

Shoot, we're on Bravo. I forgot.

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With each episode of The Real Housewives Of Miami, we find ourselves loathing the six self-important women more. And yet we meet again to recap last night's devilry.

Are these floozies growing on us? Are we starting to dislike some more than others?

Could Lea have covered the Texas twins up a bit more? Come, weary readers. Let us support one another as we try to make sense of Andy Cohen's latest masterpiece.

First off, it's essential that we touch upon Marysol's weekly intro. The camera captures her. She turns. She looks. She brings her finger to her cheek and... there you have it. The (temporary) face of a winner.

We're starting to see alliances form between cast members. It looks like Adriana and Alexia are finding common ground because they both need people to recognize that they can be both socialites and semi-working women.

Latina Lohan (Christy) and Larsa don't have that problem because they don't get the concept of maternal guilt. You can't wear a postage stamp while running after your own kids, riiiiight? Neglect is key to looking as slorish as Larsa and Christy do.

So it's divided into two teams: The mean girls (Christy and Larsa) and the women who think they're busier than they really are (Adriana and Alexia). Scenario: You're dining a la crock pot, when your child calls for a ride home from school.

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The Real Housewives of Miami didn't exactly blow our critic's mind last night. In fact, it mostly served as a reminder that their Bravo counterparts are superior.

Here's her take on the latest members of the Bravo franchise ...

Last night, the not-so-highly anticipated Real Housewives Of Miami premiered with a big "blphhhhhhhhhh." It's not entirely their fault that we were in misery.

Andy Cohen brought in 1 pinch hitter when The Real Housewives Of New York weren't ready to say hullo again. These South Florida (YES, Miami counts as part of South Florida) tarts display no modesty when showcasing their flash and trash.

Even in previews, Lea, Alexia, Christy, Larsa, Marysol and Adriana didn't dazzle me.

None can hold a candle to Lisa Vanderpump, nor do they measure up to Adrienne Maloof. I'd take a head full of tinsel over the foolishness I sat through last night.

With that said, let's get on with our recap.

Meet Lea. Lea just loves the crazies. Anyone who is certifiably insane and rich should call up Lea, 'cause she will like you. Guaranteed! Lea is married to top-notch attorney Roy Black, hails from the great state of Texas and loves mom jeans.

She's the quintessential Floridian, having resided in Miami since the '80s (a decade the city can't seem to pull itself out of). Lea strikes me as more Palm Beach than South Beach given her personal style and knack for jovial insults.

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Adriana DeMoura-Sidi has an important message to send viewers on tomorrow night's premiere of The Real Housewives of Miami: I am not a trainwreck!

No, really, that's exactly what the new reality star says in the following clip. It features DeMoura-Sidi taking in a fashion show with Larsa Pippen and Cristy Rice, only to leap on the catwak after the models exit. Her reasoning?

"Don't dare me to do something fun because it's second nature to me," DeMoura-Sidi says as she struts her stuff. "They were trying to make me look stupid, like the crazy one, the trainwreck. So I showed them how it's done."

The Real Housewives of Miami Clip

Having just recovered from the presence of Jersey Shore, the good folks of The Sunshine State must next deal with The Real Housewives of Miami. We're very sorry for them.

The first season of this new Bravo franchise kicks off on February 22 and the cast members spoke to The Miami New Times this week about what we can expect. Read on for excerpts from the interview...

Why did you sign on for this show?
Lea Black: At the time I wasn't sure. And now, I think its become a phenomenon. I think Bravo has created a pop culture phenomenon. At first, I had trepidations about it... It didn't start out as a Housewives show. It kind evolved into one. And I guess, just live life and see what happens. Take your chances and go for it.

What kind of drama can we expect?
Lea: It's going to be fun above the belt drama. I think that Bravo is a master at creating fabulous reality television. I think what they have done is take the best of everything, and make it fun, exciting, and upbeat. There is quite a bit of drama, but I wouldn't say it's hair pulling, table flipping drama. I would say it is a different type of drama. People will be fascinated by the characters.

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The Real Housewives of Miami are coming to a small screen near you.

On February 22, Bravo will debut yet another installment in a franchise that has grown wildly, depressingly popular.

The bar of attention-starved insanity has been raised to heretofore unforeseen levels, of course. Can Larsa Pippen be the next Camille Grammer? Does Adriana DeMoura-Sidi have Danielle-Staub like potential for chaos and controversy?

These are the questions we'll be pondering as watch the following footage of the new cast in action. Will you be tuning in?

The Real Housewives of Miami Preview

After an epic season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Bravo has revealed the latest iteration of its flagship franchise: The Real Housewives of Miami!

Promising a "unique flavor," the series goes inside this cultural hot spot to follow six of the most connected and influential women living life to the fullest.

The party and the drama never stop for its six stars:

The Real Housewives of Miami (left to right) are ...

Alexia Echevarria, a.k.a. “Cuban Barbie,” has her finger on the pulse of Miami’s Latin culture. Professionally, Alexia is executive editor of Venue Magazine.

Personally, she loves nothing more than spending time at her Miami Beach home with husband Herman and her two sons from a pervious marriage.

Marysol Patton is one of Miami’s most sought-after women both socially and professionally as the head of one of the city's top PR firms, the Patton Group.

When Marysol’s not working, she finds time to hang with her mother Elsa, a character in her own right. NOTE: Elsa considers herself a “seer,” not a psychic.

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The Real Housewives franchise has given a platform to a former drug-dealing call girl and an attention-starved socialite.

Who will we meet next? Bravo viewers will find out in a couple months, as numerous sources confirm The Real Housewives of Miami will premiere in late 2010 or early 2011.

Filming is already finished on a series that will star, according to E! News, the wife and ex-wife of two former NBA players; art world inhabitant Adriana Sidi; Venue Magazine editor Alexia Echeverria; PR guru Marysol Patton; and Elaine Lancaster, a drag queen pictured here:

Larsa Pippen and Elaine Lancaster are rumored Real Housewives of Miami.

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