The Hills

Last week's season premiere of The Hills elevated the contrived nonsense of MTV's cash cow to a new level with the injection of ample forced drama.

Specifically, someone dragged Kristin Cavallari out of the woodwork and told her to pretend she is interested in Justin Brescia, a.k.a. Justin-Bobby.

This caused tension with Audrina Patridge, Justin's ex.

It was obviously all staged, yet it can't be denied that Justin-Bobby has at least some appeal to women. Audrina couldn't quit this loser, after all.

Some viewers of the "reality" show have even commented that Justin is "hot." We don't see it, but maybe we're in the minority (doubtful, but maybe).

Tell us, ladies, would you go there? Vote below ...

In case you didn't noticed, The Hills premiered on MTV this week.

As loyal celebrity gossip followers, we were stuck covering every article and quote used to hype the show's new season, which included a few nuggets from the Satanic spawn known as Spencer Pratt.

Love the cast or hate the cast, everyone from Spencer to Kristin Cavallari was in the news this week. An aggravating, entertaining summation of their stories is below...

• First, get caught up on the season premiere with our unique plus/minus review of events from it;
• Check out Stephanie, Lo and Audrina walking the streets of L.A. while shooting this (un)reality show;
• Sit slack-jawed as you browse through the insane gobs of money each star brings in;
• Get out a tissue: Stephanie Pratt might soon say goodbye.

• Spencer, meanwhile, is saying no to sex.
• That's the same message Kristin Cavallari sent to John Mayer when he hit on her.
• Pratt thinks Speidi is bigger than the Kardashians and on par with the Obamas.
• The entire cast posed for promotional photos that were as staged as every fight and discussion on the show itself.

While it often pains us, remember: The Hollywood Gossip is the source for The Hills. Come back everyday for the latest coverage on a group of people we love to hate.

On Tuesday night's season premiere of The Hills, Kristin Cavallari made her presence felt early and often. Amazing what huge paychecks and scripts can do. Meanwhile, Spencer put a deposit on a house without telling his duck-lipped plastic wife.

Below, The Hollywood Gossip staff reviews Kristin's first episode of MTV's long-running "reality" TV series and awards and deducts points as it sees fit ...

The last-season-in-review montage showing Lauren Conrad departing airs, with Kristin as the show's new narrator. That's cold $h!t, MTV. Cold. Minus 2.

The girls sit around, reading cue cards and giving us the 411 on Kristin Cavallari, who they've just been informed will be on The Hills ... and will be their new friend, apparently. Hey, at least their disdain is for real. Plus 5.

Why would Spencer assume Kristin would go after Justin-Bobby, who looks homeless and by all accounts does not bathe, of all the people at the party? What about Frankie Delgado or Sleazy T? This whole scenario is so ridiculous. Minus 16.

Plus 9 for the obligatory Brody Jenner shirtless and sleeveless shots, and Plus 2 more because Jayde Nicole shows no signs of Joe Francis whomping on her.

Newlywed Heidi Montag says her goal in life is to keep her husband happy. Spoken like a true feminist. Cook, clean and break out the knee pads, Heidi. Minus 5.

Kristin to Audrina: "Your sidekick is yappin' her mouth at me!" Ten seconds into the season and she already knows the role of Stephanie Pratt. Plus 4.

LMAO moment: What in the effing hell is Spencer wearing when he and Heidi pretend to go house hunting? Why are his jeans tucked into his boots? Minus 1.

Stacie the bartender calls Audrina a stage-five clinger. Plus 2 for Stacie's unexplained, contrived appearance on the show, which is not even attempting to seem real at this point, and Plus 2 more for the use of Wedding Crashers quotes.

Even Kristin's voice sounds fake, like she's trying too hard to sound overly dramatic on her "date" with Justin-Bobby. Give us a freaking break. Minus 3.

Spencer puts a deposit down on a place without telling Heidi, who hates it. The more things change, the more they stay the same (and obnoxious). Plus 12.

Fittingly, the quote of the night goes to Kristin Cavallari: [on being a Capricorn] "I'm stubborn ... organized ... I have the BEST bed." Words fail us. Even.

TOTAL: +9! The Hills is what it is. If you can get past how obviously staged it all is, there's still a lot of drama and entertainment value to be enjoyed.

Lauren Conrad is already gone.

Audrina Patridge is set to say farewell.

And now Stephanie Pratt says she ready for life beyond The Hills.

“I think Audrina, Lo and I are all going to leave after these 10 episodes,” Pratt, who appeared on last night's season premiere, told Hollyscoop.com. “I don’t know how much more I can take of The Hills... The Hills is very brutal.”

Yeah. We can only imagine the pain that $65,000 weekly paycheck must cause.

Stephanie insists she won't be exiting the show "because of [Kristin Cavallari]," saying: “I was going to stay and see what happens after these ten episodes, but I just don’t think I can stand The Hills anymore."

That's how most viewers feel about her Satanic brother. Will you miss Pratt when she's gone?

Reality TV's most overpaid airheads (and that's saying something) return to MTV tonight as The Hills kicks off its new season. Or "bonus episodes" of the current season five. Whatever you want to call it, it's back at 10 p.m. EST.

The City follows at 10:30 p.m. EST.

In preparation for the return of its contrived cash cow, the network has released a slew of promotional images of the cast. Some are older pictures, but most are new and feature stars who will now be playing new and/or bigger roles.

Specifically, Kristin Cavallari joins the cast and pretends to be interested in Justin-Bobby to piss off Audrina Patridge. Also, Stacie the bartender is apparently getting her own promotional photos now. This is "reality" TV at its finest.

Click to enlarge the pictures below. Who's your favorite Hills star?

In this economy, isn't it nice to know that not everyone is suffering?

Sure, the unemployment rate in Detroit is close to 30% and average home prices in that once-thriving city are under $20,000.

But at least talentless reality stars are raking in millions per year to read from cue cards and pretend to get married!

Speidi earned more money for this photograph than millions of people make in a year. We're not exaggerating.

A new report from The Daily Beast reveals the salaries for various cast members on The Hills. You might wanna be sitting down for these. The numbers are more shocking than anything Mackenzie Phillips has ever said...

• Lauren Conrad: $125,000/episode
• Audrina Patridge, Lauren Bosworth and Heidi Montag: $100,000/episode
• Kristin Cavallari: $90,000/episode
• Spencer Pratt: $65,000/episode
• Brody Jenner: $45,000/episode

Keep in mind, these figures represent solely what each star brings in per half hour. Spencer and Heidi are known to pocket close to $50,000 for personal appearance and staged photo ops.

We bet they have good health insurance, too.

Barack Obama really needs to implement his Socialist agenda and do something about the discrepency between the rich and the poor in this country.

Goodbye, Lauren Conrad.

Hello, Kristin Cavallari!

The Hills will look very different when it returns for a sixth season on September 29, as the MTV's program's original protagonist will no longer be reading cue cards and pretending to fight with Heidi appear on the show.

Not to worry, though, fans: Audrina Patridge, Lauren Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt all return. They were spotted shooting scenes on a Los Angeles street last week, clearly confused over the script:

My desperate need for attention is THIS big!

Click on the photos below for closer looks at Lo, Audrina and Stephane trying to remember their lines on The Hills:

The annoying Stephanie Pratt donned a bikini as she taped a pre-Labor Day episode of The Hills with new cast member Kristin Cavallari in Malibu, Calif.

The 23-year-old sister of Spencer Pratt sure has whipped herself into shape, as the reality TV beauty didn't look nearly this svelte a few months ago:

Stephanie Pratt filming The Hills. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

With Indian summer in full swing, that means plenty more Stephanie Pratt on the beach in her two-piece, playing a big role in Season 5 of The Hills.

Which is great ... except it's Stephanie Pratt.

Sure, she's a cute girl. But she kind of looks like Spencer, which is kind of a turn-off, and she's also all sorts of painful. The burning question:

Would you hit it?

With her departure from The Hills imminent, Audrina Patrdige wants her own reality TV show, which is in the works, to show a different side of her.

The 24-year-old aspiring actress' new MTV project will reportedly show the SoCal hottie with tattooed sister, Casey Patridge, and their brother, Mark.

Sources say Patridge wants to be a producer on The Audrina Show (really creative title) so she won't be portrayed as airheaded like on The Hills.

The Season 5 trailer certainly doesn't dispel that notion.

SAD CEILING EYES: Audzo doesn't like how The Hills portrays her.

"Audrina is insisting on a producer's credit on the show," says an inside source. "She wants to make sure she won't be edited the same way she was."

She wants to fashion The Audrina Show after Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Amazing that Kourtney Kardashian may be a role model after all.

Given the shadiness of The Hills producers - falsifying Spencer Pratt's apology to Lauren Conrad, blatantly inserting Kristin Cavallari into the show out of the blue clear sky - you can't blame Audrina for wanting more creative control.

Unfortunately, no producers can edit out the fact that she once dated that loser Justin-Bobby. No camera tricks can be blamed for that one, girl.

"The bitch is back" is one tagline MTV has used to promote the revamped version of The Hills, which returns on September 29 starring Kristin Cavallari.

Guess that edged out "Hilariously contrived drama is back."

It's hard to tell what's more fake, the boobs of Heidi Montag or her debate with Spencer over whether to have kids, but either way, there’s lots going on!

Not the least of which? The "return" of Kristin Cavallari, Laguna Beach rival of Lauren Conrad, who's now stepping into the footsteps of the retired LC.

And hitting on Justin-Bobby, as if that were remotely feasible.

Yes, that loser is still around. Audrina Patridge thinks she’s moved on, but may not be ready to see him with another girl. Especially one named Kristin.

“She’s the girl that’s going to stab us all in the back and doesn’t care,” Stephanie Pratt reads off cue cards, talking about Kristin's "return" (even though she was never around to begin with). “How can one person turn our lives upside down?”

Because MTV paid her a lot to stir up drama, that's how.

In Speidi Land, a certain bimbo is fake-pressuring her husband to knock her up, as we hinted above. That will be even harder for them to stage than their Cabo wedding, but we imagine they are up to the challenge.

Lastly, Lo Bosworth and the uber-annoying Stephanie Pratt are looking more plastic than ever. How psyched are you for The Hills to return in four weeks?

Check out the Season Five trailer below ...

The Hills Season Five Trailer