The Hills

Last night on The Hills, Justin-Bobby cast his familiar spell over both Kristin and Audrina, while Holly Montag was enraptured by something else toxic: Alcohol.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip looks back the previous night's episode of The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points as we see fit ...

Kristin Cavallari's dad on Brody Jenner: "Is he still in love with himself?" Plus 4.

Kristin on Brody and Jayde Nicole: "They're one of those couples that's either all over each other in public or screaming and breaking up." So true! Plus 3.

Audrina Patridge hangs out with Justin's buddy Derek, who notes that Audrina and Justin were off-and-on for four years. Four years! Belated Minus 7.

Reflecting on Justin ditching her at Brody's, Kristin insists she's gonna make him work for it. Her annoying hair flipping tells us this is untrue. Minus 5.

Holly Montag gets plastered at Brent Bolthouse's Photo Exhibit. Plus 11 for leaving even Spencer speechless, and Plus 2 more for Holly's classic drunk-girl line: "Like, I feel like every second of my life is the greatest second of my life!"

Obligatory Minus 2 for Stephanie Pratt's awful plastic surgery, but Plus 9 for the irony of her commenting on Holly's drinking problem when just last Sunday, Stephanie got arrested for DUI ... after Holly's wild birthday party!

Spencer calls Holly the "girl version of Spencer Pratt" in referencing her drinking too much. Still, you can tell he kind of means it as a compliment. Plus 3.

Holly Montag arrives at Speidi's intervension and orders a margarita in the first five seconds. Perhaps a Mexican restaurant wasn't the best venue. Plus 5.

Justin-Bobby cooks Kristin dinner and half-heartedly apologizes for flaking on Brody's party. Naturally, Kristin's defenses (and pants) drop. He disposes of his shirt, they meander into the bedroom and bone. Absolutely pathetic. Minus 5.

For whatever reason, Audrina meets Justin-Bobby for drinks. He says nothing compares to her and that he and Kristin aren't together. He says she shouldn't hang out with Derek again. She agrees. Absolutely beyond pathetic. Minus 10.

TOTAL: +8! SEASON TOTAL: +38! The Hills thrives on such things, but a Justin-Bobby love triangle is hard to be enthralled by. We can't believe we're saying this, but more Speidi! Hopefully Stephanie's DUI was caught on tape.

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That's all there is to know. Now we want to hear what you think about ... everything! Your own copy of L.A. Candy awaits (Lauren Conrad not included) ...

L.A. Candy is loosely based on The Hills. Only it's supposed to be fake.

Prince? Rolling in grave.

On tomorrow night's installment of The Hills, Justin-Bobby Brescia tells Audrina Patridge that despite what she's seen and heard, he and Kristin aren't an item.

That's right, he and Kristin Cavallari, 22, aren't "together" despite making out and going on dates. And when it comes to Audrina, there ain't no comparison.

"We've hung out, I cooked for her - basically that's the gist of it," Justin-Bobby says. "A big part of me will always have feelings for you and always be that guy."

"I just don't know what to think, do or say."

Funny, that's also a problem for him when it comes to showering.

For Justin-Bobby Brescia, Kristin is no Audrina. Let us pause for a moment to reflect on the fact that this loser got with both Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari.

Always a romantic, Justin-Bobby then continues, cheesily: "I would never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge, ever in my life."

If you haven't thrown up or lost interest yet, Audrina recently said she is not bothered by Justin and Kristin, saying that The Hills is just entertainment.

Increasingly lame and staged entertainment, at that.

Follow the jump for a clip of Tuesday's show ...

The fake relationship of Kristin Cavallari and Justin-Bobby has been a theme on the current season of The Hills, with the b!tch blatantly moving in on Audrina's ex.

Audrina Patridge says she stopped caring awhile ago, however.

"At the end of the day, it's a show," Patridge said at MTV's Los Premios in Los Angeles Thursday. "It's entertainment. You can't take anything serious on that show."

Kristin Cavallari and Audrina Patridge clashed on the season premiere because the former pursued the latter's ex-boyfriend, despite his lack of personal hygiene.

Asked if she and Cavallari have ended their feud, Patridge said, "I don't know. I don't know how it's going to play out. We have three weeks of filming, that's it."

Sounds like she's checked out already. Not that we blame her.

OMG RLY!? Kristin Cavallari can't even fake act on a reality show. Audrina Patridge can't take her seriously. Neither can we. [Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Patridge is getting ready to leave The Hills after this season to star in her own reality TV show, to be executive produced by Survivor creator Mark Burnett.

The 24-year-old, who just split with Corey Bohan, who she dated after she and J-B broke up, is happy to leave the contrived nonsense bitchiness behind.

"I'm an adult now, and I don't need to put up with all the petty drama and drinking and fighting ... I've been there, done that, and I'm ready to move on."

Sadly for MTV, many fans may start to feel the same.

Whose side are you on?

Last night on The Hills, the gang threw a surprise party for Brody, Speidi bickered over kids, and Kristin and Justin-Bobby's fake relationship took a familiar turn.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip staff looks back the previous night's installment of MTV's hit "reality" show, awarding and deducting points as required ...

Stacie and Kristin go shopping for Brody Jenner's birthday. For sex toys, at the Hustler store. Kristin says Brody is too "vanilla" in the sack. Plus 5 for TMI.

In case you were concerned, the opening scene on the beach makes clear that Justin-Bobby has not become less of a douche since last week. Minus 3.

WTF happened to Stephanie Pratt's face? Bad plastic surgery alert! Minus 4.

Brody's surprise party clearly wasn't a surprise. The camera crew typically gives it away. No negative points, though, because people blow surprises in real life, too, and Plus 1 for Brody's first birthday request: "Frankie, give me a hug!"

Brody is now listed as "Kristin's ex" instead of "Lauren's friend." Plus 2.

Brody and Jayde Nicole, who he straight up calls a "b!tch," get into a major fight at the party for no discernable reason. Plus 3, though, because it's Jayde Nicole, and it's The Hills. The show is nothing without unexplained female implosions.

Audrina agrees to meet a guy named Derek who was Justin's friend, and who Justin always got jealous of because he thought Derek liked her. Hold on a second, Justin-Bobby has friends? Who apparently bathe? We don't buy it. Minus 2.

Speaking of guys who you wouldn't think have friends, Spencer Pratt confides in pal Charlie about Heidi wanting to procreate. Enter neighbor Enzo, and subsequent tube-tying comments by Spencer. All we have to say? Team Enzo! Plus 9.

Justin-Bobby pulls a no-show at Brody's party, ditching Kristin Cavallari. At least he's consistent. Maybe she and Audrina can bond over this. Okay, not really, but Plus 4.

Another Plus 2 for how happy this makes Audrina when she hears about it.

Spence: "Only a true man can wear a beaver-skin hat out to dinner." Minus 3. Seconds later: "Is this a marriage or a dictatorship?" Says the guy who was most overbearing, obsessive-compulsive boyfriend in history. Minus 4.

TOTAL: +10! SEASON TOTAL: +30! The Hills rarely disappoints. Especially when adorable little kids get Spencer all riled up, or that b!tch Kristin gets hers.

Lo Bosworth and Lauren Conrad are like best friends for life. But rumors of the former starring in the movie adaptation of the latter's novel are a bit premature.

LC was quoted recently saying that not only has Lo taken acting classes, but that Lo was also her first pick for the flick version of her bestseller L.A. Candy.

L.A. Candy is adapted for film by the producers of the Twilight saga.

"It was more of a joke than anything," Lo explained recently to E!.

"[Lauren Conrad and I] were on the red carpet together and they were like, 'Who do you want to be in the movie?'" she said. "I would love a cameo, but I don't think I could handle a big role. I'm not an actress. A cameo would be really fun."

As for things that are no longer fun anymore? Try The Hills.

For Lo, The Hills is just a crappy 9-to-5. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

"For me, it's turned into more of a job," Lo Bosworth griped. "Before, it was a lot of fun. Now it's like a daily grind where before it was lighthearted and easy."

Reading those cue cards and pretending to care what Stephanie Pratt says can get tedious after awhile, it's true. Her future with the show is now up in the air.

"I haven't totally decided," Lo said of signing up for another season alongside Kristin Cavallari and Speidi. "I have some other projects that I'm working on."

In other Hills news, Kristin was in Las Vegas last night hosting at LAX nightclub after dinner at Company Kitchen and Pub House. No sign of Justin-Bobby.

Looks like the fake relationship Kristin Cavallari and Justin-Bobby have been building on The Hills will heat up even more on next week's episode.

Living up to her scripted reputation as a "man-eater" and a "boyfriend-stealer" on the reality show, Kristin gets all cozy with Justin on the beach.

"C'mere, you sexy bitch," Cavallari seductively tells Justin-Bobby (real name Justin Brescia) from the afar, watching him surfing. "Lookin' good!"

J-B then shows off his awesome "Italy" tattoo across his stomach, prompting Kristin Cavallari to remark that she wants two more tats on her feet.

Absolutely scintillating stuff, we know.

He is unable to entice her into the water, as she says rather kick it and have a glass of wine. Justin notes that it's a little early to start drinking.

Her response? "It's never too early."

Classy babe, she. Here's the clip:

You Sexy Bitch

On last night's season episode of The Hills, Kristin and Justin-Bobby took their fake relationship to the next level, while Speidi argued about kids a lot.

Below, The Hollywood Gossip staff reviews the most recent memorable installment of MTV's "reality" hit, awarding and deducting points as it sees fit ...

Stacie to Kristin: "We're two, like, kinda bitches." So true, and so right. Plus 4.

These girls have really long, fake-looking hair. Except Jayde. She rules. Even.

Heidi Montag thinks having a child will "mature" Spencer Pratt. This logic is comically flawed, but is just the sort of thing an airhead like Heidi would actually believe, and she's far from the only woman to think this, so ... Even.

Lo seems a little uncomfortable at lunch with Kristin, twirling her hair like a madwoman. Kristin Cavallari trying to act makes us squirm, too. Plus 3.

It gets worse when Kristin says she'll mess with Audrina if she messes with her. Does MTV just hand Kristin a pile of quotes, all pertaining to bitchiness and being the girl version of a player, and tell her to work them in? Minus 5.

Speidi has neighbors. They look nice. We feel sorry for them. Minus 2.

Audrina Patridge invites the gang to an Epic Records concert event at an L.A. club. Yay, obvious but effective cross promotion! Vedera was pretty good too. Plus 2.

Props to Stephanie Pratt for flat-out asking what the band looks like and not even feigning interest in the music. Plus 2. Plus 3 more her disgust when it's a chick.

Chiara sighting! Plus 1.

Spencer Pratt on children: "I can barely be around adults, how am I supposed to be around kids?" Plus 8. Side note: How cute is the lil' neighbor kid Enzo!?

Later, the evil one tells his baby crazy wife that he wants to get his "tubes tied like tomorrow." Much like when a guy we knew in college used to say chicks wanted to "bone" him, we're not sure that phrase works for a guy. Minus 2.

Justin-Bobby arrives with Kristin - clean shaven, with his shirt buttoned all the way up, wearing suspenders - then slow dances and makes out with her. Who slow dances at a club? What is this, Laguna Beach senior prom? Minus 9.

OMFG is Justin-Bobby really wearing a sparkly, motorcycle helmet?!? He is. Minus 6.

Finally, the quote of the night goes to Casey Patridge: "Justin's a douche." Close second? Jayde Nicole, re: Kristin: "Omigod I can't stand her!" Plus 12.

TOTAL: +11! SEASON TOTAL: +20! The Hills can annoy the crap out of you sometimes, and may be totally scripted, but man, this show still entertains.

The pride of Scarborough, Ontario, Jayde Nicole is the coolest export from Canada since Molson XXX. Okay, she's probably even cooler than that potent brew.

The 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year is known for that distinguished honor, but also as the girlfriend of Brody Jenner. Some guys have all the luck, eh?

Rumor has it that Jayde Nicole, who engaged in an infamous feud with Audrina Patridge last season on The Hills, will soon be bickering with another co-star.

That would be Kristin Cavallari, who Brody Jenner used to date (obviously), and who is now starring on The Hills, following the retirement of Lauren Conrad.

While Audrina and possibly Kristin may have beef with Jayde on MTV, here's something no one can argue with: She looks smokin' hot in the new Maxim ...

Aside from The Hills, Jayde has been on shows such as Bromance and The Girls Next Door, and hosts Party Muscle Cabo, E! News Daily and Canada's eTalk Daily.

Not only that, Jayde has her own charity, “Lengths for Love,” in which Nicole and her girlfriends (including fellow Playmates and celebrities) grow out their hair for a year before donating it to Pantene's “Great Lengths” cancer patients.

Click to enlarge more Jayde Nicole pictures from Maxim ...

The Kristin Cavallari era of The Hills officially began last week and the season premiere was everything it was cracked up to be - for better or worse.

So what's to come on this evening's episode - and beyond?

According to Lo Bosworth, "There will be lots of fights."

We know you were on the edge of your seat. Breathe.

"I feel like it's going to be a really stressful season. I desperately miss having [Lauren Conrad] on the show. She's so calm, and she's my best friend. We still live together," continued Lo, echoing our sentiments exactly.

Lauren "Lo" Bosworth: The Hills' cutest non-factor.

As for the future of the show, Lo Bosworth says: "I think we're going to find out in a few weeks if we're getting picked up again, and I'm going to make my decision at that time [about whether to come back] myself."

"I have a few other shows I'm being pitched for as talent, for hosting. I'm really bad at reality shows, that's why I'm never the star. I think it's kind of silly."

Oh, come on Lo. The Hills? Silly? This is monumentally important, culturally significant stuff here. We can't wait to see Kristin and Justin-Bobby together.