The Hills

On The Hills this week, Brody and Kristin debated rekindling their flame, Audrina lamented that hers for Justin-Bobby won't die, and Spencer had a brilliant idea.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editors look back at Tuesday night's episode of The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and deducting points as we see fit for ...

Brody and Kristin meet for dinner. He says it's good to be single. Kristin says Jayde Nicole is gonna come after her soon. Obvious foreshadowing alert! Plus 4.

Spencer Pratt to Heidi Montag and her pleading to have a baby: "I ... I ... I. Everything is I. There's a 'we' in marriage." Ha, as if. Typical naive guy. Minus 2.

Team Enzo! Plus 5, and Plus 2 more for him playing with the little dogs Spencer got Heidi to make her not want kids. Plus 1 more for that failing miserably.

Audrina to Lo, re: Justin: "Why won't the spark go out, Lo!?" Barf. Minus 6, because her taste is sooo bad, but Plus 3 for Lo's reply: "Get a fire extinguisher."

Stacie has gone from "Bartender" to "Kristin's Friend." Plus 1.

Spencer: "You gotta go to Beverly Hills when you talk about chopping off nuts." Plus 11, because 1. He's right; 2. He thought a vasectomy was easily reversible, and 3.; He cracked up like a 10-year-old when the doctor said "scrotum."

Enzo overhears Spencer talking about the incident and outs him to Heidi, telling her "Spencer went to the doctor!" Minus 3, Enzo, for this Guy Code violation.

Jayde just happens to be in the same place where Brody and Kristin are hanging out and goes bat$h!t insane. Plus 7, because despite how set up the altercation was, the pushing, shoving and f-bombs dropped indicate a real, mutual dislike.

Minus 8 for Justin-Bobby almost making it an entire episode without showing his ugly mug, then swooping in at the last minute to make Audrina look pathetic.

Justin on Kristin: "It was the first time I didn't have to worry about what Audrina thought." As if he did while they were together. Plus 2 for the straight face.

TOTAL: +27! SEASON TOTAL: +77! A quality cat fight, however contrived, always boosts totals, as does Spencer Pratt pretending to consider a vasectomy.

Only Spencer Pratt would consider a vasectomy to ward off his baby-crazy wife, and only Spencer Pratt wouldn't know it's difficult, if not impossible, to reverse.

Heck, even if it was all elaborately staged for tomorrow's episode of The Hills, only Spencer Pratt would pretend to go to such lengths to avoid having kids.

In a sneak preview released by MTV, he admits that he didn't tell Heidi Montag he looked into the "seven-minute procedure," which he ultimately decided against.

Shocking that he didn't through with it. That would have been the worst medical decision since ... well, you gotta see these Sammy Sosa skin bleaching pictures.

"I thought it was reversible," he tells his wife. "Once I found out it wasn't, I left."

COME TO DADDY: Spencer Pratt wants to fornicate with his mostly plastic wife so bad ... but he wants to get a vasectomy first to make her goalie-pulling tactics moot.

Did he really think you could just have the procedure undone? Is he that stupid, or was that just his explanation for something he obviously wasn't going through with?

Regardless, Heidi Montag is hardly pleased, telling him, "You would have done it right then if you thought it was reversible?" she asks in disbelief. "And then you would have come home and told me 'Hi, honey, I snipped my balls off?'"

Well, there you have that. She raises a fair point.

Check out the clip from The Hills post-jump ...

This week on The Hills, Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari continued to feud over Justin-Bobby, while Spencer threw an "adult" birthday bash for Heidi.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editors take a look back at last night's The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points as we see fit ...

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari walk on the beach waxing philosophical about what it would be like if they dated again. Cue cards, anyone? Minus 2.

Heidi Montag totally blackmails / guilt trips Spencer Pratt into throwing her a birthday party since she let him get his "porno pad." Ah, marriage. Plus 7.

Hearing Brody and Jayde are "on break," Audrina says Brody will never get lucky with another Playmate. Huh? All Brody does is date hot girls! Minus 3.

Kristin puts Justin-Bobby on the spot by talking about getting together with Audrina and dishing about him. Plus 6 because this made him so awkward.

WTF is that on Justin's head? An Elvis wig? Minus 1.

LOL at the random Valley Girl Heidi clones who show up at her party. Plus 4, and Plus 2 more for Spencer surprising Heidi with two little dogs, which are so cute. Although that now gives her three mangy animals to clean up after.

The more we watch Kristin Cavallari, the more obvious it becomes why her acting career hasn't taken off. Not exactly news, but still, obligatory Minus 1.

Audrina passive-aggressively tears Kristin a new one behind her back during a heart-to-heart with Brody. Plus 5, because what she said was so true.

Kristin on Justin: "I have no respect for him now. None." Minus 3, because girls who say this about J-Bobby still can't keep their pants off his floor.

Lo actually plugs her Twitter on camera! So shameless! Plus 2, and Plus 1 more for her reply to Audrina wanting no part of Kristin drama: "totes."

Minus 10 for the Kristin-Justin "confrontation" at the end. Nothing ever gets resolved on this show, likely because much of the conflict is staged.

TOTAL: +7! SEASON TOTAL: +50! The Justin-Bobby drama is starting to wear quite thin, isn't it? We need more cat fights at clubs, ASAP.

On tonight's episode of The Hills, Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari finally come face-to-face in their contrived conflict over that loser Justin "Bobby" Brescia.

Audrina admits when she first heard that Cavallari was seeing her ex, "I wanted to distance myself." As in from the reality show, permanently, we're guessing.

"That's why I wanted to sit down with you," says Kristin. "He [said], 'Audrina and I were never together,' which I'm sure is hard for you to hear as a woman."

Patridge replies to her adversary, "I did meet with him for drinks the other night. He said basically you two were never together and that he never got over me."

Stung, Cavallari then sarcastically rolls her eyes. After that, Audrina Patridge added, "As far as Justin, keep your distance, and I'll keep mine. And that's it."

Snap. It's so ON. Choose your side:

Follow the jump for a clip from tonight ...

Kristin Cavallari is apparently drinking the MTV Kool-Aid. Which was probably fresh 2-3 years ago before it went completely stale. Oh, snap, we went there.

At the Rock the Kasbah charity gala in Hollywood last night, the reality star told E! Online that The Hills "is the No. 1 show and we are doing really well."

What exactly it ranks #1 in, she didn't say. Likely because you'd pretty much have to completely invent your own category to make that statement true.

We don't suppose it's worth noting that a rerun of the actual top-rated show on TV, NCIS, received 16 million viewers this week. The Hills? 1.72 million.

The Hills' ratings are declining, at least 30 percent in fact, starting the season at 2.1 million and sinking since. Still, when asked about it, Kristin insisted:

"No, they're not! We had one drop because of the Hip Hop awards on VH1, but they went up the next week." Mmm. Not so much, but whatever you say.

Kristin Cavallari thinks The Hills is doing great. Psst. No one tell her.

The once-popular show's ratings decline has received quite a lot of press, with many critics blaming Kristin's replacement of Lauren Conrad for the dip.

Kristin Cavallari calls that unfair: "At the end of the day it's not up to me to make a great show. "It's the whole crew, the whole cast. It's not just me."

"I think to put all that pressure on me is pretty unfair."

She may be right, but that was clearly MTV's marketing strategy, hyping the living hell out of her "return" with "The Bitch is Back" and other taglines.

Clearly The Hills needs some better fake storylines than the so-forced, fake love triangle they tried to create with Kristin, Audrina Patridge and Justin.

The world may be getting over Speidi, too. Don't get us wrong, they still entertain, but it was better when they feuded with each other (and with LC).

Now they just talk about ca-ra-zy sibs Stephanie and Holly? Zzz.

This week on The Hills, Justin-Bobby continued to play mind games with Kristin, Holly got plastered again and Jayde Nicole went absolutely insane on Brody.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editorial board looks back at back the previous night's The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points  ...

This week's episode title comes from a text Justin sent Kristin after ditching her beach party, referring to her three strike rule. Yes, he wrote that. Minus 7.

Later, he surprises "boo" by showing up anyway. Plus 6, because like the naked guy on How I Met Your Mother, J-B's unpredictability totally works on girls.

Kristin Cavallari sure overdoes the fake Valley Girl accent, over-pronouncing each syllable trying to sound ditzy. Liiiiiike, yaaaaaa, Bro-dayyyyyy. Minus 5.

HOT preview for New Moon during commercials! Plus 3.

Holly Montag says her true love is Jack. As in Daniel. Minus 4 for this dreadful cliche and being one of the sloppier drunks out there. We hope she's acting.

Despite being wrapped around Justin's finger, Kristin admits she has feelings for Bro-dayyyyyy. Ahh, there's nothing like a freshly contrived love triangle. Plus 2.

Speaking of Brody's love life, either MTV's editors want to sabotage Jayde Nicole, or she is rapidly becoming mentally unbalanced. Jealous much. Jayde? Minus 6.

Random dude off-camera: "What is up with Holly?" Great question. Plus 9.

Team Enzo! Plus 7, because even Spencer Pratt is warming to his adorable little neighbor. He tries, but can't even pretend to hate him anymore. It's kind of cute.

For the love of G*d, what the hell is Holly wearing at Speidi's!? Minus 4. Is The Hills secretly a cult where you have to drop 25 pounds and get plastic surgery?

Concerned Heidi Montag tells her troubled, drunk sis that she would, like, do anything for her (going to her b-party without a fee notwithstanding). Plus 6. B!tch.

Obligatory Minus 5 for Kristin not being Lauren Conrad. Are we really supposed to care about this girl and become invested in all her personal drama? Fail.

For the Love of Ray J preview during commercials! Plus 3.

TOTAL: +5! SEASON TOTAL: +43! We're still having a hard time caring about Kristin in any way, but at least Holly, Jayde and Justin are total loose cannons.

The Hollywood Gossip Caption Contest yielded plenty of good entries yesterday.

Our readers didn't disappoint with dozens of potential captions for this photo of The Hills' Lo Bosworth and Audrina Patridge. Your winner is TheGenePool.

Congratulations on a job well done! The winning entry appears below the photo, and you can click here to read the full list of submissions sent in to us.

Honorable mentions go out to Hellion and SpaceAceMoonBoots. Thanks to everybody for their efforts and best of luck in our next Caption Contest!

It's such a beautiful thing when friends get together and share a neuron.

Welcome to another edition of The Hollywood Gossip Caption Contest, where readers try to write the funniest caption for the celebrity photo posted below!

The rules are simple. Look at the image. Click comments and send in your caption(s). As many as you like. Have fun. Tomorrow, we'll announce a winner.

It's that easy. This week's subjects? Audrina Patridge and Lo Bosworth filming The Hills. Give it your best shot(s) for picture of the SoCal cuties below ...

As love triangles on The Hills go, at least this one is semi-believable.

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari were an item three years ago. He and Jayde Nicole are together now. So Jayde being jealous of Kristin makes some sense.

It's better than expecting us to believe Justin-Bobby would miraculously date someone. Yes, Audrina did. But the Justin-Kristin "romance" was a complete sham.

Anyway. In a new clip from MTV's long-running "reality" hit, Brody Jenner tells Jayde he's not sure if he still has feelings for Kristin, now the star of the show.

Jayde then issues her man an ultimatum: It's me or her.

Needless to say, that explanation isn't going to play well with Jayde Nicole. Some haters have labeled her a jealous girl. At the very least, she's passionate.

"Why are we even sitting here talking if you don't know if you have feelings for another girl?" Jayde responds. "You figure out what you want to do ... If you want to be back together and you want to apologize, you can call me."

Follow the jump for a clip from tonight's episode of The Hills ...

Kristin Cavallari looks damn good in a bikini.

The same can't be said for how she looks on TV screens, however, according to The Hills fan base, which is dwindling with each passing episode.

MTV dredged up Kristin Cavallari, former Laguna Beach bad girl, in hopes that she could inject new life into its struggling cash cow, The Hills.

So far, the new season can be summed up in two words: Epic. Fail.

Somewhere in West Hollywood, Lauren Conrad is probably ROTFL.

Ratings for The Hills are down by a third this season, i.e. as soon as LC called it a reality TV career and the network inexplicably decided that the "reality" show could go on just as successfully if they inserted Kristin as the lead character.

Is Kristin Cavallari solely to blame for the viewership decline?

While Kristin's "return" has been disappointing for myriad reasons, Lauren leaving is probably just as big a factor behind the show's declining viewership.

Even though the show was at times contrived and she could be a bit exasperating, LC was always a real person, and one peeps generally liked watching.

Normal Lauren and insane, but entertaining Speidi struck a nice balance. Kristin Cavallari and Justin freaking Bobby as the focal point? Not so much.

A 33 percent dropoff is fairly significant, and will be hard to reverse. At this rate, you have to think the current season of The Hills will be its last.