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The second episode of The Hills' final season focused on nasty rumors and the b!tch who started them. Yes, we know that applies to pretty much every episode.

Lauren Conrad's non-sex tape and Speidi's involvement in spreading that story took up multiple seasons. Is Kristin Cavallari's "drug problem" the new version?

Last night's episode, "Rumor Has It," found her singling out Stephanie as the rumor culprit. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

Kristin on Stephanie Pratt and why she'd start rumors: "Because she's crazy, she's a pathological liar, she has nothing going on in her life." All true. Plus 15.

Stacie the Bartender is still around. Does Kristin not have any girlfriends the network didn't create for her? Is Stacie the Bartender her full name? Minus 4.

Brody Jenner: "[Steph] made up these rumors because she is a crazy person. With her past drug addiction, maybe she's mirroring herself." Deep. Plus 7.

Cocaine. It's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Stephanie and Lo read about Kristin's drug use from gossip tabloids and thus think "she is definitely doing drugs," which is hilarious on many levels. Minus 3.

Kristin throws a party to "get to the bottom of this." Or because MTV told her too. Plus 2, because amazingly, the whole cast will be there, including Speidi!

Minus 9 for the lines fed to Brody about Ryan Cabrera and the fake conflict over Audrina. Metrosexual cracks are cliched, and why the eff would Brody care?

LOL, Ryan does look kind of d-bag-ish, however, so Plus 3.

Heidi Montag is, like, excited to debut her new body. Her fam didn't love her new look, but friends think she looks great. Psst ... they're getting paid. Plus 7.

What is Lo even doing on the show at this point? Minus 4.

Stephanie starts to make small talk with Spencer Pratt, but gets so choked up and starts to cry. Spencer berates her. How awesomely dysfunctional. Plus 5.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Dismayed by family issues, Spencer is carrying around crystals to channel his anger and bring life "peace and balance." What a ridiculous human being. Plus 12.

Kristin says she really doesn't want to be friends with Stephanie because she just likes to create drama. That and 100 other reasons make sense to us. Plus 3.

Nice to see Charlie adopting the Justin-Bobby look. Minus 6.

What's more fake, any dialogue featuring Stephanie and Kristin or Heidi Montag's ginormous, hilarious fake boobs? No points, just throwing that out there.

TOTAL: +30. SEASON: +40. This was The Hills at its best and worst, all at the same time. So much contrived, but entertaining nonsense to go around.

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

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Brody Jenner and Ryan Cabrera "have had some issues in the past."

Or at least since The Hills writers decided to rewrite history, anyway.

Frankie Delgado and Brody Jenner, in a completely unstaged preview from tomorrow's episode, can be seen gossiping about Ryan and whether Brody will try to hit it with Audrina Patridge when the crew all meets at an upcoming party.

While he doesn't go into much detail about said issues, Brody and Frankie do attempt to trash talk Cabrera, but their jokes are as off as his jumpshot.

"It's cool that they're together and stuff because they have a lot in common," Jenner says. "They can borrow each other's jeans ... hair gel." Clank.

A Brody Jenner love triangle is brewing. Does anyone care?

Audrina Patridge and Ryan Cabrera have been together for a few months now ... and we know he's hooked up with her in the past, but watching Brody pretend to care so much about their relationship just comes off as awkward here.

Come on, Hills writers. Can't you feed these guys some better lines? Please try, or just leave the trash talk to Kristin Cavallari, she's the only one with the versatility and track record to do it convincingly week in and week out.

Follow the jump for a sneak preview clip from Tuesday's show...

Continue Reading...

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Drugs. Feuds. Violent outbursts. Unnecessary plastic surgery.

This week's Us Weekly features an expose on how three lives - Kristin Cavallari, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag - have been ruined by MTV's The Hills.

The report coincides with The Hills season premiere this week, and amid reports that Heidi is forging a dangerous addiction to painkillers post-surgeries.

"She's a shell of her former self," a show insider said of Montag, whose rep responded to the claims, saying of the story: "This is completely ridiculous."

But is it, though? With allegations of Kristin's drug problem and Audrina wasting away to nothing before our eyes, are these girls all totally lost causes?

And is the reality (term used loosely) show to blame?

Audrina, Heidi and Kristin Cover

Grouping Kristin and Audrina in with Heidi may be a stretch.

"They are addicted to the fame," the source says. "As The Hills winds down and people start to care less, they are desperate to get back that high."

Indeed, Heidi Montag and her husband, Spencer Pratt, have developed increasingly weird behavior. While their 2008 elopement to Mexico was done with their knowing winks, they're recently "crossed over to this bizarre place."

Case in point: The 10 plastic surgery procedures she had in one day last November "because she knew it would be a huge story," an insider says.

Laments pal Jason Wahler, "I knew her when she was normal."

THG NOTE: When Jason Wahler is commenting on how he knew you back when you were normal, you know you have serious, serious problems.

Pals say they've always had a thirst for fame - especially Spencer, who reportedly went after Audrina before pursuing Heidi to get on the show.

Now Montag will never be the same. Says a source who knew Heidi, "She was spellbound. If it weren't for him, she'd be a mom in the suburbs."

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If you love The Hills, last night's premiere (Season 6, Episode 1) was a doozy. If you're so over The Hills by now, this episode is probably a classic example of why.

"Put on a Happy Face" featured Heidi Montag's family trying to do just that ... staring at her face and the rest of her body after 139 unnecessary plastic surgeries.

The Hills final season debut should have come with a "Warning: Disturbing Images" disclaimer. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

They should show a close-up shot of Heidi Montag's fake boobs in their hilarious glory as The Hills title card. Although those things are more like a mountain range.

Is it just us or are all of these chicks skinnier, meaner and more annoying than ever? Did MTV unveil new protocol for these mean girl anorexic fembots? Minus 9.

Lo is a full-time cast member at last! Plus 4!

Kristin Cavallari can't believe she's accused of drug use ... despite staying out until 8 a.m. and looking like a stick figure. Minus 5. Where would they get that idea?

Welcome 2 the Freak Show

A face only a mother could love... and even she has a hard time.

Let's run down Heidi Montag's plastic surgery in her own words: "I got a slight eyebrow lift and that's why I got these staples in my head. I had my nose redone, I had my own fat injected into my cheeks. I had my ears pinned back. I had injections into my lips. I had my chin shaved down. I had my breast redone, and my back shaped... and I had a little bit of inner and outer lipo." No points, we just had to.

Heidi's mother Darlene reacts honestly to her daughter's absurd plastic surgeries, asking "why [she] would want to look like Barbie?" Our thoughts exactly. Plus 18.

After Heidi Montag prods further, Darlene says looked "younger and fresher-looking" before. Minus 6, 'cause Heidi would so cry if her face weren't frozen in place.

Kristin is, like, mad that Brody Jenner is flirting with Audrina Patridge. We love Brody, but why keep recycling the same three guys as fake love interests? Minus 7.

Lame Shades

Hard partying Kristin denies she's got a problem.

Wearing sunglasses indoors doesn't make you look cool, Kristin. Minus 4.

Nice of Stephanie to make it out of rehab in time for filming. Plus 3.

Heidi tells her fam they "live in the mountains and wouldn't understand." LOL, as if Crested Butte, Colo., were some backwards, classless, hillbilly dump. Plus 11.

This isn't related, but Spencer Pratt is reportedly on the outs with the show after he refused to start a physical fight with Holly Montag. Yes, Spencer Pratt. Plus 5.

TOTAL: +10. The "reality" of The Hills is always debated, but it more or less on display last night, and we know this because we cover the cast's actual lives daily.

We much prefer episodes like this, whatever the annoyances, to absurd, contrived plot lines such as Speidi's baby argument or Kristin and Justin Bobby "dating."

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

  • Staged Intervention
  • Stacie n' Kristin
  • Hills Girl Talk
  • Oh, K-Cav
  • Brody Macks Audrina
  • A Montag Moment
  • A Confrontation
  • Heidi's Mom is Pissed

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In the first episode of the Hills' maybe-final season, Audrina Patridge, Stephanie Pratt and Lo Bosworth confronted Kristin Cavallari about too much partying.

We'll have a recap of all that action for you a little later, but for now Kristin tells E! she has no such problem, and that the accusations came out of nowhere.

"I went out in Miami and for Super Bowl and had a good time," Cavallari said.

"I'm allowed to do that. But the fact that these girls accuse me of doing drugs, which, by the way, when they bring it up, it's so out of left field."

She thought they were kidding: "I mean, I think I started laughing ... For them to even accuse me of that kind of thing is so crazy, but it is what it is."

Indeed it is.

Kristin laughs off her friends' concerns.

Kristin Cavallari may be thinking about giving it another romantic go with Brody Jenner if the producers tell her to circumstances are right but right now the show's resident bad girl is absolutely, positively single - for better or worse.

"I'm not dating anyone!" The Hills starlet tells us. "It's hard to meet people in L.A., and if I get serious with someone, I don't want to put them on the show."

Fair enough, so what about all those reports of her spending time with Paris Hilton and Lauren Conrad's ex-boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt, at Coachella recently?

"I've known Doug since I was 15 years old," Cavallari laughed. "Yeah, I saw him there, but not like that ... I'm not going to live my life off of stupid celebrity gossip ... We've been friends for almost 10 years."

Unneeded tabloid attention aside, Cavallari doesn't regret returning to The Hills: "I've had such a great time and it's been great on so many levels."

In other Cavallari news, she says Dancing With the Stars has come calling.

"A few different seasons ... I don't think I could do it. I have a serious fear of public speaking, let along dancing in front of all those people. I'd be a nervous wreck."

Now, strutting around in a bikini, that's a different ballgame.

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The Hills returns tonight for its final season ... most likely. It could be extended a bit. Regardless, here's a look back at some moments that defined its first five:

FORGET PARIS: In the first season finale, Lauren Conrad made a brutal mistake that would haunt her for two more years, choosing to spend the summer with tool Jason Wahler over accompanying Teen Vogue editor Lisa Love to Paris.

Bearded

Fortunately, Whitney Port stepped in and fast-tracked her fashion career. Not that LC is hurting for cash, or boyfriends. Kyle Howard's a big upgrade over J-Wahl.

FALLING DOWN: As a Teen Vogue intern, Whitney endeared herself to millions after what could have been her worst moment, falling on stage after Vogue tapped her to model Hilary Swank's Oscar gown on Good Morning America.

The way she composed herself and handled the embarrassment with grace and dignity only impressed the higher-ups more, though (sorry to rehash this, Whit).

Two prominent former loves of Lauren Conrad.

THE LC SEX TAPE: It did not exist, but boy, did it spark a lot of celebrity gossip. Spencer Pratt (and in turn, THG) got so much mileage out of this twisted rumor.

BABY MAMA DRAMA: More than once, Heidi Montag has effed with Spencer regarding pregnancy. All a big hoax to watch him squirm? We're all for it even if so.

KISSING BRODY J: Everybody does it at some point, but Lauren and he had such chemistry. Still, despite the Las Vegas birthday hookup, Brody Jenner and Conrad determined they work better as friends, which they've remained since.

THE TRANSFORMATION OF HEIDI MONTAG'S FACE: Enough said, and ongoing.

WORSE THAN HEIDI: LC accused Audrina Patridge of insinuating she hooked up with Justin-Bobby - and that Audzo is worse than Heidi Montag as a result.

A shot from Heidi and Spencer's wedding - the non-staged version.

CAREER EVOLUTION: The show began with a focus on young women and careers in L.A., then became about quasi-celebs whose careers were being on The Hills.

THE WEDDING: Heidi and Spencer's wedding had something old, new, borrowed and even blue ... the dresses worn by both Lauren Conrad and her old nemesis, Kristin Cavallari, who replaced her as the star of the show. Cold, MTV. Cold.

F*%KING PIRANHAS: Kristin didn't wait long to stir up trouble, calling out Audrina and Stephanie Pratt and declaring "you f*%ked with the WRONG girl."

GROSS LOVE TRIANGLE: On a list of things we didn't need to spend a full season watching, Kristin and Audrina fighting over Justin-Bobby would be tops.

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If you thought the first episode of the final season of The Hills tonight was the beginning of the end, you may want to rethink that, Kristin Cavallari says.

"There's a possibility of them ordering 12 more episodes," the resident bad girl said, presumably meaning on top of the 12 episodes starting this evening.

Homeless Spencer

So either an ultra-long Season Six or a Season Seven. Either way, that's great news for any fans the show actually retained since Lauren Conrad bolted.

"I would like to," she said. "I'm in such a rhythm with things and I'm having a great time. We're just now starting to get into some really good juicy stuff with a few new people. So I think we could do another 12 and make them good."

The writers and editors have done a great job lately, so we're all for it!

What else would be good? Rekindling the flame with Brody Jenner.

"I can't deny the fact that he is one of the most good looking men in the entire world," Cavallari, who swears she's not a bitch, gushed unabashedly.

"We have a lot of fun together. I don't know if we could ever really get back together and be serious, but we are sort of trying to see if we could."

She'd also like to see former Hills frontwoman LC return for the finale.

"I would love her to," Kristin Cavallari said. "I think it would be so great if she did. There could be many different ways of bringing her back."

Kristin and Co. grace our television screens at 10 p.m. Tuesday.

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Is Kristin Cavallari just the victim of a Hills hit job?

Known for unabashed opinions and acting like a general bitch on the MTV reality show, which even promoted her big "return" last season with the tagline "The Bitch is Back," Kristin she’s a better person than she’s portrayed by The Hills.

The real Kristin does charity work, people! Gosh!

“If you asked my real friends, they would say I’m definitely not a bitch,” Kristin Cavallari proclaimed while hosting at the Liquid Pool Lounge in Las Vegas.

However, she does add that “I definitely stand up for myself, and I’m not not a pushover.” In other words ... you f*%ked with the WRONG girl, dude!

Kristin Cavallari Smiles

THE BITCH IS NOT BACK: Kristin Cavallari says she's a lot nicer than how she's portrayed on The Hills ... which is supposed to be a "reality" show, but whatever.

Cavallari’s plans for life after The Hills' final season, which premieres tomorrow, include helping those less fortunate via the One Kid One World charity.

“I was just in El Salvador, and we rebuilt this whole school,” she says. “It takes so little time, but it impacts these people for the rest of their lives.”

One thing she’s not interested in pursuing - a feud with Hills costar Spencer Pratt, who recently ripped her (and pretty much everyone else) on Twitter.

“I heard one little comment he made, but if that’s it, I’m fine with it,” Cavallari says. “He’s attacking everybody else. There’s so much else going on."

So true. So very true. Click to enlarge more pics of Kristin out shopping in Beverly Hills and in a bikini at the aforementioned pool party in Sin City...

  • Kristin, Stacie Shop
  • Cavallari Shopping
  • Awesome Bikini Shot
  • K 2 the C
  • Vegas VIP KC
  • Not the Worst View
  • Bev. Hills Shopper
  • Rollin' 20 Deep
  • The Beautiful KC
  • Another Kristin Cavallari Bikini Pic

[Photos: Fame Pictures]

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Heidi Montag has decided not to sue The Hills creator, Adam DiVello, for alleged sexual harassment after all. You mean it was all a trumped-up stunt? Shock.

The surgically enhanced bimbo had accused DiVello of inappropriately groping her during a cast photo shoot in March, which seemed a little absurd to us.

For one, MTV stood by DiVello, said it investigated the matter and decried her harassment claim, while other stars like Lauren Conrad defended him too.

Secondly, look who we're talking about. Heidi Montag's fake boobs aren't even sexually attractive anymore ... there's a point in which it's comedic, not hot.

In any case, she consulted with her lawyers about a lawsuit, and a source tells the New York Post, "Heidi and Spencer Pratt have changed their minds." 

Those Are Some Big Breasts

GROPED: By Spencer, maybe. By Adam DiVello? Doubtful.

We've never known them to drop something, but hey, it got them a few hours of publicity, so it was probably a success for Speidi. Of the pair, the source said:

"They realized they should just move on."

Wonder why ... perhaps because they had no case and just used DiVello's name for PR, discrediting other legitimate harassment victims in the process?

Weak, guys. We enjoy the Tweeting rampages of Spencer Pratt as much as anyone, but there should be limitations. No need to make $h!t like this up.

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In just eight days, The Hills' final season premieres. The fake drama is already underway and being filmed, with familiar faces and story lines abound.

Last season, Kristin Cavallari and Audrina Patridge pretended to fight over that douchebag Justin-Bobby. This season, they're pretending to be BFFs!

Hey, it's The Hills. Anything goes. Reality, schmeality, just give us Spencer Pratt talking $h!t about Audzo's "Tijuana plastic surgery" and we're good.

Here are Kristin and Audrina sharing a lighter moment. Take three!

Kristin and Audrina

Kristin Cavallari and Audrina Patridge like what they see. Cameras. Attention. Fleeting moments of additional fame. They hunger for it the way most humans do food.

With that tool J-Bob apparently out of the picture, one of the big story lines this season is Kristin Cavallari and her drug problem. Alleged drug problem.

As always, the line between real life and events manufactured for ratings is blurred by this show. One is never really sure what to believe anymore.

Except for Heidi Montag's face getting annihilated. That definitely happened. But anyway, click to enlarge more pics of the fake friends shopping ...

  • Not the Best Audrina Photo
  • Shoe-In
  • K.C. Smiles
  • Look ... Cameras!
  • Shopping Like Fiends
  • Pretending to Shop

[Photos: Fame Pictures]

The Hills Quotes

Brody's girlfriend is pretty. With very large breasts.

Lauren Bosworth [on Cora Skinner]

Someone with a great sense of humor is the most important thing, and someone who really supports me in everything I do... I don’t ever want to make an excuse for trying to work hard and having my own life. I love a guy that supports that and loves that.

Lauren Conrad [on men]
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