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We're like, totally over Spencer.

So is Lauren Conrad, whether or not he bought her a dozen roses.

Heidi Montag Nude

Speaking of those flowers, whose intended recipient was in such question, which is sketchier: that Spencer would randomly bring them for Heidi on a lunch date, or that he would bring them for her to give to Lauren to make peace? Entertainment Weekly poses this very valid question.

So while the rift between Lauren and Heidi widened on last night's all-new episode of The Hills, Lauren was hanging with recent Heidi nemesis Audrina Patridge, dissecting the Spencer sitch and eating leftovers.

"Are we eating at the table?" Lauren mused. "Look at us adults."

She then analyzed the relationship between Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag for the 800th time, and predicted (shockingly) that it won't end well.

"I just have the feeling that it's going to be really bad," LC said.

For our part, we seriously can't wait until we can stop talking about that jackass Spencer. Seriously. I mean, even poor, innocent Whitney Port could speak of nothing else during our obligatory Teen Vogue office scene.

The only thing worse? Actually listening to Spencer himself talk. This is a guy who we just learned concocted a scheme in which Brody Jenner would rise to fame by making Nicole Richie eat. We're serious.

Nevertheless, the cameras are fixated on Spencer as he's macking on some more girls. That is, before Lauren Conrad stepped in and had it out with him.

"Heidi gets me and she knows who I am," Spencer shot back.

Take that, LC! Who knows why Heidi comes back for more of his crap, really. But this is The Hills. And incidentally, Lauren - America's Sweetheart - really came into her own sticking up for her friend like that, even if Heidi didn't ask for any sticking up for. Or something.

We're oddly proud of Brody Jenner as well, and not just because he's made it his life's goal to date every reality show star in California. The way he was able to stop trying to get Lauren into bed long enough to defend his friend, creep though he may be, was admirable.

"Of course he was a little bit wrong" Hollywood's most eligible bachelor said of Spencer, "But maybe he feels a little threatened by you."

Then it was back to those pretty, confusion-inducing roses for a few final plot twists. To recap, Spencer shows up with the roses at lunch; then Heidi tosses them to Lauren at home and implies he'd bought them to make amends. Now Spencer blabs to Brody, "Lauren thinks I got her a dozen roses, but it's like, 'Yeah, right, I'm not spending a dollar on you.'"

Then, during the climactic blow-up between Lauren and Heidi at home, Lauren was wondering, "Why would he buy me flowers?" Heidi finally cleared it all up: "I said it like a joke." Ooooh, good one. Apparenly Lauren wasn't so amused either, as this (weirdly) seemed to be the final straw that sent her stomping into her room and slamming the door.

What's to become of the LC-Heidi rift? Is Spencer out of the picture for good? We doubt we'll be that lucky. But here's hoping. Loser.

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What was really at the heart of the short-lived relationship between Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner?

He was trying to get her to eat.

A Couple of Hotties!

In a dialogue that is part of a profile of Jenner in the March issue of Details, Spencer Pratt - the boyfriend of Heidi Montag and self-described "manager- slash- publicist- slash- agent- slash- stylist" to Jenner - says to the hunky Prince of Malibu:

"Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that sh!t, bro. You'll be, like, a f*%king hero to America."

The plan, which was devised last August (just when Jenner and Richie did begin dating, briefly forming Bichie), was actually part of Jenner's scheme to ride Richie's coattails and become a more familiar name himself.

It was a drawn-out scheme which, lame and pathetic as it sounds, ultimately proved successful. Here we are talking about him, after all.

A week after Jenner and Richie broke up back in October, Brody forged an unlikely relationship with Lauren Conrad, star of The Hills. That ended quickly. Maybe. We're not sure whether they're together or not.

Brody's take on the situation:

"Basically, I made it, like, my mission to try to go on a date with every girl on The Hills."

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. And Brody, who used to get busy with Kristin Cavallari before any of this happened, is not about to limit his prowess to reality TV show stars.

"Let's see where Lindsay's at, get her up in here," Jenner is quoted as saying as he text-messages Lindsay Lohan, although he says the two aren't more than friends.

Even so, Lohan texted back and showed up later to meet our man BJ at Hyde.

Not that all this scheming and schmoozing doesn't leave the son of Bruce Jenner and step-brother of Kim Kardashian time to be introspective.

"This whole scene, this whole town â€" it's so fake," he said. "It's like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think it's real, but it's not. I wanna meet a girl who has nothing to do with L.A. A nice, normal, real girl."

Then he adds:

"Actually, you now, that's gonna be a component of our new MTV show â€" me leaving L.A. to meet a normal girl. It might be hard, though, with all the cameras."

What's this? A Brody Jenner reality show in the works? Stay tuned.

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She's not gasping in abject terror at the prospect of going from blonde bombshell to unattractive brunette... or whatever you call her new, bad haircut.

Nor is Jessica Simpson appalled that she's dating singer John Mayer. That's just half the editorial board at The Hollywood Gossip dot com.

Daisy Duke

And no, she wasn't just presented with a dick in a box from a certain sexy vocalist.

She just can't believe what she watched last night. Being a one-time MTV star herself, Jessica keeps her eye on the network's new reality shows. Like the rest of us, she's in disbelief that Heidi Montag gave Spencer another chance on last night's episode of The Hills.

Here, Crazy Joe Simpson's eldest daughter reacts indignantly to the unsettling events of the Lauren Conrad-headlined reality show upon being confronted by a photographer.

We can only imagine how Jessica felt during last season's finale, when LC somehow chose to spend the summer with Jason Wahler rather than take that internship in Paris.

Speaking of things that have been in Paris, wonder what Joe Francis is up to.

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In the beginning of last night's episode of The Hills, it's another day at the office for our girl LC at the cutthroat sweatshop otherwise known as Teen Vogue.

As she and her friend and fellow intern, Whitney Port, prepare for the arrival of a New York intern for help in preparing for an event, the mood is normal.

Assault Weapons Ban

But when the New York intern, Emily, arrives, she is scarily efficient, rattling off a bunch of tasks for Lauren and Whitney first thing in the morning.

And it's, like, soooo obvious Lauren Conrad has not had her coffee yet.

The interns go flower shopping for the dinner they are planning and Emily is, of course, a floral whiz. Annoying! At the dinner, Miss Super Intern gets to stay and eat with the royalty, while Whitney and Lauren are unceremoniously "excused." Drama!

We don't see too much of Audrina Patridge this week, but that's not always a bad thing. Same with Brody Jenner. Things do seem to be cooling off between Audrina and Heidi. Somewhat.

Elsewhere, The Hills' line of the night definitely goes to Spencer:

"I'm not a liar."

Yes, he said this to Heidi, apparently unaware that he is being filmed the whole time. What does the guy not understand? They are going to watch The Hills at some point, dog. Haven't you learned anything from Laguna Beach?

Regardless, Spencer does some more fast talking about his night with the Playmates, but Heidi says she needs time away from the chump. And really, it's about g*d damn time.

Later, Heidi Montag, along with Lauren and Jen, celebrate their singleness with a love-bashing dinner. Our favorite part is when Lauren said the only time she misses having a boyfriend is when she "has to pick out something like a T.V. or when she has a lot of groceries."

Awesome.

But possibly short-lived. Cut to the next scene where Miss Heidi is telling a co-worker that she really misses Spence. Even her co-worker is giving her the "you're insane" eyes, but Heidi still wants to give him another shot. She gets all dressed up, looking super hot, and meets up with him. Come on, Heidi.

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As Jennifer Armstrong of Entertainment Weekly notes, it was almost as if we were watching the wrong show Monday night, what with all the signs of sense popping up around our girls on The Hills:

"I feel like Jason like broke me," Lauren said, explaining for the 48th time that she's reeling from the breakup with Jason Wahler and not "feeling" Brody. Yet

Heidi Montag with No Makeup!

Then Heidi said she thought it was about time she make amends with one-time BFF and current rival Audrina Patridge, scoffing,

"What are we, in high school?"

Apparently her obnoxious beau (and the cause of the Audrina rift), Spencer, still is. He showed his true colors last week, and this episode is no different.

Like when Heidi Montag's co-worker, Max, warned her that she might be criticized for the adorable, yet skimpy white sundress she wore to the office.

Spencer, like, totally got in the dude's face when they showed up for lunch at the same restaurant (another strange Hills coincidence).

"Do you have any idea what I'm gonna do to you, bro?" Spencer said, nearly running poor Max into oncoming traffic. This after a lunch full of Spencer doing preemptive damage control on the impending Heidi-Audrina summit, warning Heidi that she's gotta think about her motives.

Translation: Don't believe Audrina when she tells the truth about Spencer macking on her when he was with Heidi. The light (slowly) started to dawn on Heidi by the time she got through her dinner with Audrina.

"I'm really sick of people saying to me, 'Watch out for Spencer, watch out for Spencer,'" she said. But then Audrina told her Spencer had been calling her in the last few weeks, and when she said, "Be careful with him," Heidi seemed to actually be giving it some thought.

"I don't know when I got so jealous," Heidi said as she packed for a trip home to Colorado. This was right after a not-so-subtle request that Lauren Conrad do a little bit of spying on Spencer in her spare time that weekend.

Then, our girl Heidi accidentally - riiiiight - missed her flight and forgot to tell Spencer about it! Naturally, she showed up unannounced at the club, where Spencer was engaged in an intense conversation about naked picnics (really) with three blonde Playboy models he and Brody Jenner were rolling with that night.

Brody, ever the smooth operator, went immediately to Lauren, hugged her, and said: "You didn't crash anybody's night. If anything, you just made my night."

Spencer, on the other hand, accused Heidi of being sneaky, asked her why she was being rude, and proceeded to resume his naked picnic discussion.

Finally, Heidi had enough, which means she ended up sprawled on the sofa back home, in sweats and puffy eyed, while Lauren did some first-rate BFF duty.

"I was really falling in love with him," Heidi bemoaned.

As long as Heidi's around, there will never be too much good judgment on this show. But does this mean she and Spencer are officially over? We'll probably find out next week on The Hills... and we'll definitely be watching again then.

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On the hit MTV series The Hills, Heidi Montag plays the role of Lauren Conrad's supportive BFF - and the romantic rival of ex-pal, Audrina Patridge. That biatch!

But in a surprising and candid interview with Us Weekly, Heidi Montag boasts she's even prouder playing a scantily-clad blondie in an 8-page spread inside the March issue of Stuff magazine, which Us has - thankfully - obtained a sneak preview of (see below).

Heidi in Rehearsal

When not posing nearly nude, Heidi Montag has also been recording an album with producer David Foster - and is a little bitter about not being Stuff's cover girl.

"They said they couldn't put me on the cover until I was 21," said LC's confidant and pal on The Hills. "I guess advertisers don't like young girls being on the cover."

Montag, who played matchmaker by hooking Conrad up with bachelor-about-town Brody Jenner, reveals even more than her hot body in an interview with Us:

Us: What do you think about not being old enough for the cover?
Heidi Montag: "I do think it is unfair that I didn't get the cover because of my age, but I understand, and it gives me something to look forward to when I turn 21."

Us: Do you think the photo spread is sexy?
Heidi Montag: "Obviously, they are sexy. Mostly because I am hardly wearing anything! I was excited to show a side of myself that people don't get a chance to see just watching The Hills. Spencer Pratt (her manager-boyfriend and Hills co-star) definitely likes them!"

Us: What does Lauren Conrad think of the pics?
Heidi Montag: "She will probably think they are provocative, but hopefullly she will like them."

Us: Were you nervous about doing the shoot?
Heidi Montag: "I was definitely nervous about this shoot. It is my first big spread in any magazine and it was a very sexual photo shoot. I wore different swimsuits and outfits. The most provocative photos were either the ones in the pool where I am splashing around in the water, or the poses on the bearskin rug. I definitely had a lot of fun doing it."

Us: What's your message to your teenage girl fans by taking sexy photos like these?
Heidi Montag: "If they get a chance to do a [national magazine] photo spread [at my age], and they feel comfortable with their bodies, then they should do it. That's my message."

Us: So you want to be a pop star?
Heidi Montag: "I am working on my album right now. The sound is going to be very fun, fresh, sexy. It will be the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie. I grew up dancing so there also will be a lot of performing. And a lot of my songs will be very sexual."

Us: Do you think Audrina is going to be jealous of your spread?
Heidi Montag: "Ha! I would be, but I honestly don't think she will be."

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ESPN's Bill Simmons, a.k.a. The Sports Guy, is famous for his long-winded, hilarious sports columns, being married to The Sports Gal, and for watching enough television to rot the brains of even the pop culture aficionados at T.H. Gossip.

That said, it's only appropriate that when asked to describe his feelings on Miami, site of tonight's Super Bowl XLI, Simmons turned to a young reality TV star we know and sort of love. Here's what Bill writes...

LC: Lauren Conrad Style

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All I know is this: My assignment for this week was to come to Miami and tell you, the home reader, what it's like to have a Super Bowl here. Right now, we're working on a solid A-plus. The grade could change, but that's what we're looking at right now.

Since I can't sum up my feelings on South Beach in a single sentence, let's hand it over to the great Brody Jenner, who's making a noble attempt on The Hills right now to break the reality-TV record for "most cheesy compliments ever given to a girl while trying to get into her pants."

Two things you need to know about Brody:

  1. He's Bruce Jenner's son
  2. He's already been on two reality shows.

Now he's pursuing the star of The Hills - America's sweetheart, Lauren Conrad - who's far too stupid to realize that Brody called her only because he knew the cameras had just started rolling for Season 2.

You would think she'd catch on after Jason Wahler (her fellow Laguna Beach grad, and last season's nose-itching boyfriend on The Hills) pulled the same stunt on her and she was too dumb to see that one, either.

She's easy prey for a player like Brody, who, since his arrival on The Hills, has been laying lines on her like "you have the most beautiful eyes I have EVER seen."

We're about three more episodes away from having a threesome with him and a 6-foot bottle of Rohypnol. I don't see this ending well.

What does this have to do about anything? Well, in this week's episode, Brody finally lured LC back to his apartment and gave her his greatest line yet:

"There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here with you."

I don't feel that strongly about South Beach, but give me a few more days. We might get there.

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Break out the champagne glasses. Lauren Conrad is officially 21!

That means she can put away that fake ID and actually drink legally at Hyde and the other clubs she goes to on a nightly basis. And thank God for that.

How Does My Butt Look?

In typical fashion, Lauren celebrated her 21st birthday in style last night with her buddies (and co-stars on The Hills) at an L.A. hotspot.

Below, Lauren is pictured with BFF Heidi Montag (top, with LC, and bottom left) along with Heidi's BFF Audrina Patridge, who's been getting on our nerves of late. Are you interested in Spencer or not? What's with the drama every time you see Heidi at the club? Luckily, there was no in-fighting among the gang at last night's special occasion.

Stunningly, Kristin Cavallari was not invited. No word on whether that Casanova Brody Jenner was able to make it, or if he was too busy boinking Lindsay Lohan.

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Oh, man, is that Brody Jenner a smooth operator.

No wonder he can date any reality star he wants. No wonder he went - as Lauren recapped on Monday on The Hills, and we reported a while back - straight from Kristin Cavallari to Nicole Richie.

Heidi Montag Playboy Cover

You can see why. When a guy with the big brown puppy-dog eyes is insisting that "you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen," well, you want to believe him enough that you do. At least a little.

This is The Hills, after all.

At any rate, that two-timing game his pal Spencer ran on Heidi Montag and LC's pal Audrina continued to wreak havoc for the third straight week. If this dude looked half as good as Brody, it might make sense. But let's face it, he's no prize.

Audrina's characterization was all too fitting.

"He's a dirtbag," she told her friend at work. "[Heidi] is obviously just getting played."

The played one, however, was having none of it. She refused to invite Audrina to her big birthday shindig, for which she, incidentally, wore a black tutu, a barely existent halter top, and a crown.

"I'm an American princess," Heidi cooed, thus erasing any trace of sympathy we might have for her in this love-triangle situation.

Audrina broke protocol by not only showing up at the party uninvited but also confronting Heidi about their tiff in a calm, rational manner.

Naturally, that could only end up one way: with Heidi blowing her off, some random friend named Jen chastising her further, and her leaving in tears.

Brody and Lauren Conrad, meanwhile, played down any interest they might have in dating each other.

"Lauren is so your style," Spencer said to Brody, who replied, "I just got out of a relationship like a week ago."

Across the room, Lauren - still reeling from her breakup with Jason Wahler - was saying to Heidi, "I'm so not ready... I do not want to date anyone."

Instead, Lauren took on some diplomatic duties and attempted to negotiate peace over lunch with Audrina the next day (dragging poor Whitney along as a human shield). But the result was awkward silence punctuated by Audrina's occasional explanations of her behavior at Heidi's birthday. Later, we get the scoop from Lauren and Heidi:

Heidi Montag: What's gonna happen if you see her out?
Lauren Conrad: I'll say hi like anyone else.
Heidi Montag: But it's a mutual thing?
Lauren Conrad: Yeah.

Well, then. That settles that.

Surprisingly, Spencer voiced our feelings on the subject most succinctly when, somehow, our fearless double-daters showed up at the same club as Audrina.

"It's like, who cares?" he said.

Indeed.

Brody, for one, wasn't caring a bit â€" he'd cornered Lauren and was plowing straight through his list of painfully sincere lines.

"I like you," he said. "I want to hang out with you."

Suddenly, Heidi was saying, "Where'd Lauren and Brody go" and we're taken to Brody's sweet condo. And what was he saying? What else?

"There is nowhere else I wanna be right now," he said, going in for the kiss.

To Lauren's credit, she did the smart-girl thing and called him out.

"You're a cheeseball," she replied, but did add, "I love seeing you smile."

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Come on, Heidi Montag.

We fully expected that we'd be yelling at the TV Monday night. Don't get us wrong on that. But we expected that the subject of our ire would be Spencer the boyfriend, not his lovely lady. But after watching last night's episode of The Hills, we are sorry to say we actually feel some sympathy for him.

Whoa! Never Saw That Coming!

After last week's pregnancy scare turned out to be a false alarm, Heidi's first response was to call Spencer and lead him on to think she was knocked up.

"I took a pregnancy test, and...

[wait for it... waaaaaaait for it]

... I'm not pregnant."

It was gratifying to see that smug smile momentarily wiped off Spencer's face, but he didn't deserve to get f*%ked with like that. He regained his footing fast, though, lying about Audrina and telling Heidi he would be testing her from now on. True to his word, next time we saw him he was asking Audrina out on a date.

The following morning, Heidi explained her motivation to Lauren, who, bless her little heart, rolled her eyes through the entire conversation:

"If he was gonna react wrongly, then I wouldn't want to be with him," Heidi said.

"I don't think there's a right way to react to that, though," replied a suddenly sage Lauren Conrad bluntly.

The rest of the episode was about Lauren, who was sent her off to work at a fashion show by swimsuit designer Ashley Paige. As soon as Lauren arrived at Ashley's, she was set upon by the flustered designer and a series of underworked assistants and interns who began ordering her to do stuff they could just as easily have done themselves.

Like answer the phone. The Hills is supposed to remind you of The O.C., not Punk'd, but based on Lauren's exchange with Ashley, you might be confused.

In the episode's third story line, Heidi set up Lauren to go on a date with Brody Jenner. Yes, that Brody Jenner.

According to Heidi, he is like, Spencer's best friend. Yeah, this show isn't staged or anything.

Regardless, Lauren wasn't having it at first, telling her that any man who used to be with Kristin Cavallari is off limits to her:

"Heidi," LC sighed. "He's been touched by Kristin. He's, like, tainted."

Oh. Snap. She. Went. There.

Sadly, it turns out, Brody seems to have somehow been tainted by another former Laguna Beach star: Jason. Ouch. Watching Lauren and Brody struggle through their dinner and fail miserably at first-date banter and then sit there mutely and smile at each other was a painful flashback to Jason Wahler.

Really, we thought Brody had more in him than this crap. No wonder Nicole Richie wasn't that into him either. And that's saying something.

The Hills Quotes

Brody's girlfriend is pretty. With very large breasts.

Lauren Bosworth [on Cora Skinner]

Someone with a great sense of humor is the most important thing, and someone who really supports me in everything I do... I don’t ever want to make an excuse for trying to work hard and having my own life. I love a guy that supports that and loves that.

Lauren Conrad [on men]
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