The Hills

For Lauren Conrad, it's apparently tough to find a BFF and roommate with a boyfriend who doesn't suck. And turn her into a mother hen, of sorts.

The beautiful star of The Hills found herself in a somewhat familiar area Monday night, playing the third wheel as her roommate dated a new "hot" guy.

Only this time it's not Heidi Montag, but new BFF, Audrina Patridge, and on-again boyfriend, Justin... whose friends, of course, call him Bobby. Thus, Justin-Bobby.

What's J-B's actual name? We have no idea. Nor would we care, except that Audrina Patridge is apparently too clueless to give this assbag the boot.

After a standoffish meeting with Lauren - the guy showcased his belching skillz and displayed the maturity of an eight-year-old in an upscale eatery (no joke) - Conrad will likely have less-nice, more descriptive nicknames for Justin-Bobby.

Mumbling, hiding under a hood and telling Lauren Conrad bluntly that he doesn't care about her opinion, Justin-Bobby is shaping up to be a worthy competitor for Spencer.

The scheming Spencer Pratt does a much better job of making himself compelling to watch, though - even the haters have to give him that.

Despite a desire not to hurt Lauren, who told her she should pull the plug, Audrina nonetheless found herself back with the motorcycle-riding bad boy by the episode's end.

As Lauren Conrad herself knows, sometimes the bad boys are the hardest to let go of. But will LC give Audrina flak for giving Justin-Bobby this second chance?

In other dysfunctional relationship news, the newly engaged Heidi Montag showed off her fake engagement ring at work, then struggled to set the ground rules for cohabitation. Her methods of choice were passive-agressive - and entertaining!

After Spencer Pratt "surprised" his lovely lover with vintage '80s arcade games and a graffiti-splashed living room wall, and didn't listen to her pleas for even a little input as to home decor, Heidi gave him a taste of his own medicine.

Spencer came home to find Heidi paint-rolling over his "artwork," offering him his very own "surprise" - a clean, plain, off-white wall!

Pratt fumed as Montag explained that if they plan to make this "engagement thing" work, they're going to have to make decisions together. Spencer was seething as he agreed as he stared forlornly at his once glorious wall. In a moment, though, he picked up a roller and finished off Heidi's project.

Is Spencer now thinking pal Brody Jenner may have been right when he said marriage was just an institution for dumb guys who can't get otherwise laid?

Who knows. But next week on The Hills, Spencer ditches a Brody BBQ to meet Heidi's parents in Colorado, while Brody and LC commiserate over their lost friendships. Meanwhile, Audrina encounters drama with Justin-Bobby - drama everyone in America saw coming but her!

Heidi Montag, The Hills' media whore extraordinaire, got some serious bling from Spencer Pratt on the season premiere of the hit MTV series.

But it looks like that crap-tastic rock is even more fake than some of Heidi and Spencer's conversations, according to sources.

As you may have seen, Mr. Big Shot asked to borrow his pal Brody Jenner's credit card (he refused) to buy the engagement ring.

Hmm. Must have been a slow week with no bikini photos to stage and sell.

In any event, Heidi's engagement ring was purchased from the Ice Accessory store at a mall in Brentwood.

Spencer picked out what looked like a pink diamond surrounded by diamonds, even stating arrogantly that J. Lo and Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa, had identical rings.

Yet despite Spencer Pratt's statement that he should get a "a GPS device" for the ring in case Heidi lost it, the thing is apparently a knockoff. Really.

Apparently the "pink diamond" is really just a lavender, lemon amethyst! A nice birthstone, sure. But many times cheaper than the engagement rings even middle-class, working, celebrity news-writing stiffs fork over for their fiancees. Nice work, ass clown.

The ring retails for $2,890. Not exactly chump change, but definitely a little low-rent for someone who walks around acting like some high roller. Wouldn't you say?

No wonder he tore up the receipt. And didn't actually propose to her, just sorta handed her the damn thing... which she has never only been seen wearing like once.

After everything Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag two pull, it's impossibly to take them seriously. So why not dress them up as a pimp and ho, as Celebrity Babylon did!

To put it in terms the star herself might choose, Lauren Conrad is awesome even when she's not awesome.

The 21-year-old star of The Hills can be whiny, bratty and controlling of her friends, and makes bad decisions when it comes to guys.

All of these characteristics only humanize Lauren, though, and make it that much easier to identify with and adore such a fun-loving, beautiful sweet and imperfect California girl.

It's easy to see why she became the America's sweetheart of reality TV. And even easier to see why The Hills is becoming less like reality with each passing minute.

The show has officially become a victim of its own celebrity.

Rumors of a Lauren Conrad sex tape that surfaced months ago were the focus of the Season 3 premiere last night. Well aware of their own notoriety, Lauren and friends went to absurd lengths to refute the existence of said video and condemn those responsible for the rumor.

The high drama of the evening was a Lauren's spat with Heidi Montag regarding the sex tape, which LC insists is a fabrication and a rumor started out of hatred.

Ever go to the celebrity news site known as TMZ.com? If so, you probably saw video and read accounts of this argument back in April, when it actually took place.

For their part, Heidi and her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, got engaged on last night's show - another series of events that would have been at least semi-interesting had it not already been played out in the celebrity gossip rags in May.

Moreover, Spencer and Heidi are acting oh-so-cute and, like, OMG, so in love - wildly overcompensating for - justifiably or not - being vilified on last season of The Hills.

Yes, Spencer Pratt is now a caricature of Spencer Pratt. Can it get worse?

Ironically, the most realistic figure on last night's episode had to be Brody Jenner - the stereotypical, laid-back playa trying to talk Spence out of gettin' hitched at age 23.

In other words, precisely how we imagine Brody Jenner acts in real life.

"I literally feel, like, one of my friends... died."
- LC

After all this time, and hype, the much-anticipated season three premiere of MTV's The Hills didn't disappoint. For the most part.

Monday's debut sure didn't waste any time bringing viewers inside the epic war between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, while properly (and blatantly) introducing each side's supporters.

Whitney Port - now a full-time employee and Lauren's supervisor at Teen Vogue - and Audrina Partridge are so on Team LC, while Montag's devilish boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, is Team Heidi's president, vice president, and PR coordinator.

Giving the people what they want, MTV began the year with a cat fight we knew happened, but have been wanting to see on film for moths, as a tipsy Lauren - enraged over rumors of her sex tape making the rounds - and Heidi hurled insults at each other outside Les Deux.

Lauren is convinced, right or wrong, that Heidi and Spencer started and spread the rumor of her making a sex video with ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler.

The gist of Lauren's position on the matter, as told to Heidi Montag: "You know what you did! You know what you did! You're a sad, pathetic person!"

That about covers it.

"I could just never imagine hating someone so much that you'd do something like that to them," Lauren Conrad said later, reflecting on the incident.

Oh well. She has other things to worry about, like meeting the boy du jour at the club, and whether or not to criticize Audrina's boy, a mumbling, biker, hippie-type who she dated off and on a few years back and doesn't say much.

We heart Lauren, but at the same time, we wonder if she's not - at least at times - taking out some of her own frustrations and insecurities on her friends. 

According to the New York Times, The Hills, which opens its third season on MTV tonight, is more convincing than Friends or just about any other comedy about female relationships because â€" as any young woman knows â€" those undying friendships die.

After all the superlatives, hugs and I love yous, the separations can be bruising. Unlike romantic heartbreak, in which the terms are ultimately subjective ("He's not that into me"), female friendships are commonly torched along rigid moral lines ("She's disloyal, selfish, manipulative and deceitful!!").

You can brood over this stuff for years.

The spectacular falling-out of the two main stars of The Hills, Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, has become a polarizing object lesson played out in the tabloids.

The reality show, which began as a spinoff of Laguna Beach, which starred Lauren, first followed Conrad's effort to establish herself as a young adult in Los Angeles.

But as a grown-up, the lovely Lauren Conrad proved no Mary Tyler Moore, and her youthful innocence and exuberance kept pulling her back to adolescence.

The second season gave up on maturity and let Lauren be the woman-child she is. The Hills rapidly found its footing when Heidi Montag, a trifling blonde known for her love of nightlife, her bust line and other superficial things, swelled to take up more emotional space.

Montag displayed an uncommon gift for sycophancy and self-sacrifice, which seemed like a sin when put in the service of the no-good men in her life, and a virtue when used to serve Lauren Conrad (or the publicity firm Heidi went to work for).

But by the season's end a Machiavellian figure named Spencer Pratt had decided to indenture Heidi to girlfriendhood. And she went along, to the dismay of Lauren, who was sad to see her friend's true nature - but mostly sad to lose her cheerful lackey.

The Hills doesn't premiere until Monday.

The drama, though, has been brewing for months and boiled over this week.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were barred from attending the show's post-premiere party Wednesday night in L.A., a show source tells Us Weekly, due to the couple's feud with co-stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Personally, our guess is that the "source" is actually Spencer Pratt, who just chose not to go and decided to phone in this bogus piece of celebrity gossip.

The entire cast has now been prohibited from speaking about each other in the press. To Spencer and Heidi, this is akin to having a limb amputated.

While MTV allowed both Spencer Pratt, 23, and Montag, 20, to walk down the red carpet at The Hills event, "they were not allowed to be at the party while Lauren Conrad was here," says a source, who added that extra security was brought on.

Another source tells says MTV "suspended" Spencer and Heidi from doing any more media to promote The Hills after their repeated trash-talking of LC.

While on Q102 FM in Philadelphia, Spencer Pratt called Lauren Conrad a "stupid girl" who is using the couple to draw attention to herself.

"She's the douche, the psycho," said the douche.

Montag added that she could never be friends with "some lowlife."

After the interview, MTV nearly canceled the couple's appearance on On the Air With Ryan Seacrest Wednesday, but allowed them to do one last interview.

For now, however, "they are on a media blackout."

Another insider says that MTV has decided to gag all parties - including Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and Audrina Patridge - on the subject matter.

"Tensions were so high, MTV decided to shut it all down," says the source, adding that "Spencer crossed a line with several things he said. And fans of the show take it all so seriously, people were starting to worry about security concerns on all sides."

The reason millions are so enraptured by The Hills is that everyone can relate in some form ... in spite of the absurd, Valley Girl aura that hovers over the hit MTV series.

To celebrate the release of Season 2 of The Hills on DVD, MTV and BaM have taken this to heart and created EmotiClips - an easy and fun way for pals, significant others, co-workers and roomies to communicate using scenes of Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, Whitney ... and the infamous Spencer Pratt.

For example, if you want to tell your friend that she's dating a "sucky person" (no better way exists to describe Spencer) you can subtly email her with this clip:

As always, the wisdom of Lauren Conrad is profound in its simplicity.

And that's not all. You can also send your friends clips of Lauren at work with Whitney Port and at home with Audrina Patridge, as well as Spencer telling off Heidi or lamely threatening some random dude (who gives him a classic look) for no reason.

The clip above and 11 other "EmotiClips" can be viewed and forwarded around via YouTube. Just search for The Hills EmotiClip. Or just click here and check out the related videos.

Spencer Pratt wants to hear from the haters.

He's inviting fans of The Hills - hundreds of thousands of whom blame him for coming between Lauren Conrad and his better half, Heidi Montag - to go ahead and tear him a new one on his website.

The man knows how to get PR. Please note, though, that we went to take him up on this offer, but at the time of this post, Pratt's official site is down for the count. Get a webmaster, you douche.

And in the wake of recent interviews Lauren Conrad and her anti-Pratt MTV co-stars, Audrina Patridge and Whitney Port, the slimy Spencer is coming after LC, the fledgling fashion designer, calling her "a spoiled brat" and accusing her of using Montag to get attention for herself.

Of course, Spencer or Heidi calling someone a spoiled brat is like Britney Spears calling someone a white trash train wreck.

Spencer Pratt also chimes in on the alleged Lauren Conrad sex tape, rumors of which surfaced earlier this year.

Pratt claims that Conrad destroyed the sex tape made she with her troubled ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler. Conrad has implied, not so subtly, that Pratt and Montag leaked the rumors of the tape, which she denies exists or ever did.

But Spencer Pratt is threatening Conrad, a Teen Vogue intern and student, saying he and Montag are willing to take a lie detector test to vindicate themselves.

Well then! The Hills third (and likely final) season starts August 13, and there's already plenty of drama happening off the air! Will Lauren Conrad respond to Pratt's nonsense? Will Speidi follow through on its engagement and actually tie the knot? Stay tuned.

When we last left Lauren Conrad on the season two finale of MTV's top-rated reality hit, The Hills, she was seeing off Heidi Montag, as her former BFF and roomie sped away in a U-Haul.

Montag had chosen to move in with her slimy new beau, Spencer Pratt, even though Pratt is a complete prick Lauren Conrad strongly objected to the relationship.

But just because the season ended didn't mean the Lauren-Heidi drama was over.

On May 30, while Conrad, her new roommate, Audrina Patridge, and other pals enjoyed a night out at Les Deux, they ended up having a turf war of sorts with Heidi and Spencer, who showed up at the L.A. club that night.

"They just came right at our table and sat down," Audrina says in the newest Us Weekly. "We were like, ‘What are you doing? Get away! This is our table.' But they said, ‘This is our night, our friends, get out of here.'"

In the end, the couple stormed out of Les Deux in a huff.

By July, the estrangement between Heidi and Lauren was so palpable that Montag didn't take the MTV's promotional photos for season three of The Hills the same day as the rest of the cast - instead posing by herself in the studio for separate pics!

Of course, there are many other photos of Heidi Montag (and that jackass Spencer Pratt) that spontaneously and mysteriously surface online. Meanwhile, LC may have landed, if only for a night, an NBA player in former Duke University star Josh McRoberts.

Regardless, the Team Lauren vs. Team Heidi showdown has officially eclipsed Hollywood's best battles. What do you think of this drama? Team Heidi or Team LC?

Audrina Patridge is definitely a part of Team LC on The Hills, but she did have a few words of wisdom about villainous co-star Heidi Montag.

The trusty sidekick of Lauren Conrad was spotted yesterday at an event for Bravo's new real estate themed reality show, Flipping Out, where she talked briefly about Heidi's recent plastic surgery.

"If they make her feel good about herself, good for her," Audrina Patridge said of Montag's new rack, later adding:

"I really don't care!"

When asked about the smarminess that is Spencer Pratt - Heidi's sniveling, scheming, revolting boyfriend-turned-fiance - Audrina offered the following response:

"No comment!"

Very apropos.

With the gruesome twosome out of the picture (or at least in their own apartment), Audrina revealed there will be an addition to The Hills cast this coming season: a boyfriend.

She chose to keep his identity a secret for now, but we can't help but wonder if it's Josh McRoberts ... or the guy frolicking on the beach LC in those recent bikini pictures.

You can watch Audrina's talk with TMZ here. Lauren Conrad, Audrina, Whitney Port and the rest of the regulars from The Hills officially return on Monday, August 13.