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Another week, another episode of The Hills that could have used a dose of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who have just vanished from it with no explanation.

Amusingly, Speidi's real life drama is chronicled on the MTV show's official blog, despite no sign of them on the show in weeks, or acknowledgment of this fact.

Whacking Balls

In any case, the show was more of the same that we've seen in recent weeks - Allie Lutz continues to vie for McKaela Line and battles it out with Team Kristin.

Seriously, this is what The Hills has become, and alas, what it will continue to be in all likelihood. Lauren Conrad and Speidi are not walking through that door!

Here's THG's plus-minus recap of last night's The Hills ...

Once again torn between Justin-Bobby and a superior guy, Audrina Patridge talks with Lo, who asks if she'd take J-B back if he changed. No answer. Minus 14.

Justin-Bobby gets thugged out at the club - and deep, man.

Kristin Cavallari tells Brody Jenner that she warned McKaela about Allie and alleged break-in we're supposed to care about. She's so catty, it's great. Plus 7.

Allie insists to McKaela that Kristin's stories about her are, like, so totally not true and drops the classic drunk girl line: "They don't even KNOW me!" Plus 5.

Everybody heads to Les Deux later - including Justin-Bobby and Ryan Cabrera, who have the most awkward introduction ever. Plus 9, because that was real!

Justin-Bobby tells Brody that Audrina "deserves the world" and doesn't need grief. Minus 12, because there's no way he didn't read that off MTV's cue cards.

Stephanie and Max are having a nice dinner when talk turns to her estranged relationship with Spencer Pratt and her DUI arrest. Double buzzkill! Minus 9.

When Audrina suggests that the "honeymoon" is over, Ryan says "If we caught each other at the wrong time, we need to figure it out. It's your life." Plus 5.

The cheese factor is amped up to 11 when, live in concert, he says he wants to sing a love song, which prompts Audrina to start crying. Words fail us. Wash.

Kristin Cavallari Lutz Allie have it.

Side note: You gotta love how Ryan, unlike the others who receive just a single name (e.g. Audrina, McKaela, Kristin), is always billed as Ryan Cabrera. Plus 3.

Stephanie says she isn't sure if she is ready to date at this stage, at least until she finds a guy who understands her life. Minus 8. Um, girl, get over yourself.

At the Young Hollywood Party, Audrina Patridge hints at a breakup with Ryan. Too bad, because he actually seems like a good dude, despite the hair. Minus 7.

In vintage Hills fashion, an argument soon erupts between Kristin and Allie before Brody breaks it up. Poor McKaela just looks lost, unsure what to do. Plus 8.

Kristin thanks Brody for having her back, which he says he always will ... unless he wants to nail some new girl. They walk off arm-in-arm, as usual. Minus 3.

Side note: We swore Kristin Cavallari was Heidi Montag for a sec with the makeup and teased hair - but a lack of HUGE fake breasts dashed our hopes. Plus 2.

TOTAL: -14. SEASON: -6.

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Tuesday, The Hills returned to its roots: Staged cat fights at clubs!

Only the people involved were pretty random, as was the reason for said cat fight. What we're seeing is basically a watered-down version of past Hills seasons.

Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler

McKaela Line was dissed by Brody Jenner and found out her new BFF, Allie Lutz, is viewed as an insane person by pretty much every other star of the show.

Yes, these were some of the primary peeps featured last night.

No LC. No Speidi. Sorry, McKaela Line, cute as you are, you don't do it for us, especially if you fall for these people's games. Are you that naive? This is Season Six!

Still, here's THG's rundown of The Hills, plus-minus style:

The Hills returns to its staged cat fight roots.

At Smashbox, where she shockingly got a job, McKaela is asked by Lo how things are going with Brody, but she says he hasn't called. Stunning, really. Minus 4.

At Stephanie's birthday party, Brody and Kristin Cavallari get cozy on the couch and ... whoa! McKaela walks in. Plus 5 for everyone making it look fairly natural.

All hell breaks loose when Kristin confronts her rival, Allie Lutz, and declares she will never like her after she broke into Brody's house. We care why? Minus 3.

Brody ignores McKaela's call with Kristin. Basically, this is 100 percent fake, and/or he's such an ass he's willing to be filmed playing girls. Either way, Plus 7.

Audrina says Brody and Kristin are practically soul mates. LOL. Minus 6 for that line no one would ever say and KC's assessment of their "undeniable chemistry."

Speaking of Audrina Patridge, she tells Steph she likes when Ryan Cabrera is away so she can have "quality girl time," code for "I'm sick of this loser." Plus 4.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Kristin on Allie: She's "the dumbest girl on the planet," she's "pure evil," and looks like "a 45-year-old stripper who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day." Plus 11.

Ryan tells Audrina he loves her despite her questioning their relationship ... then Audrina meets Justin Bobby at his shop while Ryan's on tour. Burned. Plus 10.

Allie tells McKaela that Kristin made up lies about her breaking into Brody's house. We wouldn't doubt it, but we're also straight up confused/bored, so Wash.

But Minus 33 for Justin-Bobby being on the show at all, because really? We haven't seen enough of this loser in three years? Minus 5 more for the hair, too.

J-B questions Audrina on her relationship with Ryan and offers a little advice. The extent to which Audrina self-sabotages her love life is staggering. Minus 7.

Kristin tells McKaela to watch out for Allie, and that Brody lies. Plus 13, because we all know Brody will get with them both whenever he decides anyway.

TOTAL: -8. SEASON: +8. Watching Brody Jenner play chicks is fun, but even that gets old. Bring back Speidi, get rid of Justin, and get Kristin a spine.

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Old habits die hard. Especially when the producers of The Hills keep recycling them and you have zero self respect. Justin-Bobby and Audrina Patridge, everyone!

Yup, last night's Hills marked the return of He Who Must Not Be Named and Does Not Shower. It also marked another week of the same Kristin and Brody drama.

To say the show is growing stale and running out of compelling characters is an understatement. Still, here's THG's rundown of The Hills, plus-minus style:

Kristin and Stacie decide to go out and meet boys to get Kristin's mind off of Brody. Not surprisingly, they find themselves disappointed by the selection. Minus 1.

Brody tells McKaela there's nothing going on with Kristin Cavallari and she needs to deal. Plus 3 for poor, sweet, naive, out-of-town McKaela actually buying it.

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari: "Nothing going on."

McKaela meets up with L to talk about the "Kristin situation" and working at Smashbox Cosmetics. Yup, we've reached the point of Lo-McKaela story lines. Minus 16.

Brody Jenner in a nutshell: He likes Kristin; He likes being a player; He brings in new girls to prove they're just friends, then pursues her again. Repeat. Game. Plus 20.

Minus 8, though, because he and Avril Lavigne are together in real life, making it impossible to take any of what we're watching seriously (it was hard enough).

Poor, faithful Ryan Cabrera is, like, so devoted to Audrina, even though there's zero evidence of chemistry between them, and we know they break up. Minus 7.

Audrina Patridge is TOTALLY CAUGHT OFF GUARD by Justin-Bobby! Minus 20 because it's Justin-Bobby, but Plus 29 for such blatantly obvious contrived nonsense.

The producers told me I'd run into ... er, fancy seeing you here!

Ostensibly, the reunion happened when Audzo checked out the band Purple Melon at the Viper Room, where J-Bobby's band is also performing. He's in a band? Plus 7.

Justin being a drummer without us knowing for years? Minus 3. Expecting us to believe Audrina just happened to show up? Minus 4. Him being pretty good? Plus 9.

She omits mention of seeing Justin when she recounts the night to Ryan. Minus 5. Then the next evening (when Cabrera is out of town), they meet up again. Sigh

Just FYI, MTV expects us to buy this after this loser strung her along for 2-3 seasons, then supposedly dated Kristin, then vanished, then resurfaced. Minus 15.

A final note on the unexplained absence of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who split up over the weekend: It sucks. Life without Speidi is not worth living. Minus 15.

TOTAL: -26. SEASON: +16. Some more images from last night:

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The Hills cast is becoming increasingly fed up with the way the show's producers are meddling with their lives to create drama. Now Kristin Cavallari is fighting back.

"After The Hills, I plan to work on many business opportunities, and I've always wanted to write a tell-all book," the show's resident bad girl/narrator tells In Touch.

Struttin' It

According to insiders, Kristin has already started writing the book, and as soon as her contract with the show is up - after the current, final season - she'll dish on it.

"She has wanted to tell the real story before, but she wasn't allowed."

What is the real story of The Hills, exactly? That producers manufacture drama and have writers create story lines? We already know that, girl. Save your energy.

If Kristin tells all ... do you care? [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

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We don't know what's more unfortunate, that this Max guy was set up with Stephanie Pratt, or that The Hills is coming out with Stephanie Pratt story lines now.

No disrespect to Stephanie Pratt, but ... Stephanie Pratt? Last night's The Hills, "A New Bird," focused largely on Spencer's sister. He was nowhere to be found.

While a reprieve from Spencer Pratt can be a nice thing, let's be honest, if there's anything interesting about The Hills anymore, it's watching Speidi meltdowns.

What we're left with in the wake of their odd, unexplained absence is a whole lot of filler. Here's The Hollywood Gossip's official Hills rundown, plus-minus style:

Brody tells Kristin he may go on a date with a girl. Kristin isn't seeing anyone else. Ah, friends with benefits at its best. Someone's always let down. Plus 15.

Audrina invites Ryan out with her friends, and after some hesitation, he agrees. Too bad we already know Audrina Patridge and Ryan Cabrera split. Minus 8.


Brody Jenner puts the moves on new chick McKaela.

Brody's new girl McKaela is new to L.A. and is looking for "genuine friends." LOL. Plus 7 for the inevitable letdown that will result from taking that quest to The Hills.

Stephanie says she feels like her life is finally coming together and she's ready for a relationship and blah blah blah. Does anyone care at all? Minus 9. Because no.

Lo sets her up on a "blind" date. As in the producers of The Hills throwing darts at a wall full of dudes' audition photos while blindfolded? That we could buy. Plus 3.

Charlie gives Brody tips on hooking up and staying single during a golf outing. Charlie. Always so calm and wise. Plus 5 for the increased screen time for this sage.

Audrina also gives Stephanie some dating pointers. Minus 10, 'cause this is not the person you want pointers from, unless your top priority is being walked all over.


Dating Rule #1: No pouting. Rule #2: Tone down the makeup.

Brody Jenner introduces McKaela to his friends and flirts with her in front of Kristin Cavallari. What a passive-aggressive move. But hey, they're not dating, so Plus 8.

Lo helps Stephanie get ready for the big night. We keep expecting some big cat fight to liven it up a bit, but no, it really is just that boring. Minus 3, because really?

Kristin, like, can't believe the next day that Brody did that with McKaela. Stacie reminds her they knew this wouldn't end well. She's like the female Charlie. Plus 4.

Stephanie quizzes Max on basic dating questions. "What's your sign?" Really? This is what The Hills has devolved into? This is just coma-inducing stuff. Minus 27.

TOTAL: -15. SEASON: +40. Yeah. It's looking more and more like this show can't sustain whatever magic it once had, and needs to step it up or go away pronto.

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Spencer Pratt is out of control. We've known this for some time at THG, but now it has gotten to the point where even his friends and family see he is losing it.

Last night's episode of The Hills, "This is Goodbye," focused on Heidi's husband's deteriorating mental health, as well as Brody and Kristin's renewed romance.

Here's The Hollywood Gossip's official Hills rundown, plus-minus style:

Holly and Stephanie lament being the only sane ones left in their families. Never mind that both of them have serious, well-publicized drinking issues. Plus 9.

After Holly rehashes how Spencer called the cops on Heidi's mom, Steph says Speidi has no friends. Charlie is rolling in his grave as we speak. Minus 4.

Heidi and Kristin are friends? Were they always? Hard to keep track. Plus 3.

Spencer looks like he needs a hug.

"Who am I without Spencer?" Heidi ponders. Hmm. Probably a reasonably cute, harmless, not brainwashed chick with friends and real-looking breasts. Minus 37.

Audrina Patridge visits her boyfriend Ryan Cabrera at the studio. He's apparently still under contract? Minus 2. But Plus 8 for his decision to skip that night's drama.

Venturing out of his hole for once, Spencer calls Audrina the "lamest girl in the club" which sparks an argument between himself and Brody. Like old times. Plus 5.

Heidi Montag has a threefold excuse for Spencer: 1. He has stuff on his mind (Minus 3). 2. All guys are controlling (Minus 6). 3. She changed herself (Minus 12).

Most awkward clubbing moments ever: Heidi Montag shows her crystals collection to Kristin as Spencer says Heidi doesn't watch TV or use the computer. Plus 20.

OMG, Brody and Kristin are, like, so meant to be ... but single!

Holly and Stephanie say they are done with Heidi and Spencer, while Kristin Cavallari and Brody Jenner get down on the floor and eventually leave together. Plus 9.

The next day, Kristin says what they have going is good, whatever it is. Brody says he likes being single, and Kristin does too. Holla at friends with benefits! Plus 18.

Obligatory Lo scene! Steph says that she is flipping between being angry and sad over Heidi and Spencer. Blah, blah, blah. Stephanie and Lo are so boring. Minus 7.

The girls all are told by MTV agree to completely cut off Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Pratt. No communication at all. Plus 5 for effort, but we give it about half an episode.

TOTAL: +4. SEASON: +55. Basically, it was an episode in which everyone agrees Speidi is insane, and Brody macked on Kristin. Boilerplate stuff, but we'll take it.

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Kristin Cavallari recently denied a batch of drug rumors surrounding her hard partying, but didn't say anything about booze. Probably for good reason.

The star got into an early morning, alcohol fueled screaming match with a gorgeous brunette who was flirting with her ex, Brody Jenner, Wednesday.

At the Nylon Young Hollywood party at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood, Kristin Cavallari first spotted Brody hitting on Hills co-star Audrina Patridge.

She didn't seem interested, as she's dating Ryan Cabrera.

Jenner stopped speaking to Patridge to try to calm down Cavallari, who was on her second beer, but she grabbed his arm angrily before they parted.

At midnight, Cavallari stood up quickly with her dress hiked to her waist - flashing a pair of white mesh panties - and didn't seem all that concerned.

Luckily, MTV's cameras caught much or all of this.

However, a few minutes later, a gorgeous brunette began chatting up Jenner, making Cavallari - who gave the girl an icy hello - increasingly pissed.

Cavallari, who had been drinking all night, went all Naomi Campbell and threw a phone she received for free from a suite down on the floor in anger.

After about 30 minutes of Jenner's flirtation, Cavallari approached her and began screaming. The brunette's friends began yelling back at Cavallari.

A Hills producer was overheard whispering, "This is going to get ugly."

Brody Jenner intervened after about five minutes of fighting, pulling Cavallari away and giving her a hug. That's when he apparently closed the deal.

Cavallari smiled and flashed Jenner a hotel room key and the two of them - with their arms all over each other - took off together. Awwww yeeeah.

Here's hoping these two get back together ... we could use more stories like this on a daily basis, and Kristin's a bit less insane than Jayde Nicole.

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The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, featured prominently on the show since 2006, may be leaving it before the series finale later this summer.

Neither has taped an episode since mid-April.

A big reason for that? Spencer Pratt was suspended from the show after threatening to kill a producer... never endears you to the production department.

Rumors also suggest Heidi Montag's "role was reduced" after she objected to a faux-divorce story line. They wanted her to fake divorce Spencer? Shocker!

Show creator Adam DiVello, who Montag recently accused of sexual harassment, "doesn't think Heidi and Spencer will come back for the series finale."

We suppose this isn't too shocking, or sad. If this week's The Hills was any indication, their behavior is growing increasingly erratic and out of control.

Flying the Coop

HAPPY TRAILS: Are the increasingly erratic Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ready to fly the coop before The Hills even ends? [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Moreover, Heidi Montag wasn't invited to a secret May 6 powwow DiVello had with the female cast in Santa Monica, Calif., to "brainstorm the series finale."

NOTE: That's right, the producers "brainstorm" episodes. Of a reality show. Can it get any more ridiculous than that? They don't even pretend anymore.

"All the girls were asked to come up with ideas of how the show ends," an insider tells Us. Among the ideas: a trip to Costa Rica for the 100th episode.

Another idea? A future Sex and the City–style movie sequel.

"He wants The Hills to end on an upbeat tone," a source tells Us Weekly of DiVello's plan. "He wants to prove to the audience that the girls are going on to bigger and better things and that the show was good for them."

In the case of one cast member, it was pretty terrible for her. We think anyone who's seen the Heidi Montag plastic surgery pictures will agree with us.

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The third episode of The Hills' final season reintroduced Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari as lovebirds. Because ... they used to date and we're out of other options?

Last night's episode, "Elephant in the Room," found these two pondering a staged reconnection, while he also pondered his supposed "crush" on Audrina Patridge.

Meanwhile, Spencer Pratt absolutely went off the rails at Holly Montag. Below, The Hollywood Gossip breaks down all the Hills action with its trademark +/- scale:

Kristin doesn't know if she likes being around Spencer. Does anyone? Plus 3.

Brody on Audrina and Ryan getting serious: "Whatever!" Brody is apparently a 'tween girl. Minus 4, because he's also being forced to care about Ryan by MTV.

Brody and Kristin are meant to be ... MTV decided this week.

We said this yesterday, but if you're parents to a seven-year-old, is there anything worse than a party thrown by Speidi? Were Tiger Woods' mistresses busy? Minus 5.

Audrina and Ryan are at the bowling alley. Audrina talks about Brody Jenner, her past and adds that Brody now has a crush on her. Ooh, the fake plot thickens! Plus 6.

It's time for "the talk" with Ryan. Plus 2, 'cause Ryan is just excited he's landed this gig on The Hills and retained any level of fame. Remember when he was a singer?

Audzo says every time she calls Heidi, Spencer is right there. Kristin Cavallari says Spencer is controlling her. Minus 3 for the girls being three years late to that party.

Spencer, when asked where Stephanie is: "I have a sister?" Plus 10.

Spencer, when Holly Montag dares defend their mother, Darlene, for speaking her mind about Heidi Montag's plastic surgery: "You can leave my property." Plus 11.

Spencer Pratt is seriously losing it.

Ryan wants their relationship to be drama free and the "best relationship ever." Dude, you're fake dating a girl on The Hills. That's not happening. Minus 27.

Brody calls Enzo's party the most awkward of his life. So true. Plus 9.

Kristin Cavallari asks Brody about Audrina over a drink in a typical, staged Hills discussion where they pretend to be conflicted about relationships. Minus 19.

Spencer Pratt, ever eloquent, repeats his earlier claim that Heidi's mom is "just a vagina" who let Heidi come into the world, but is nothing special. Plus 40.

As Holly leaves, Spencer shouts at her that he'll call the cops next time. "Keep walking ... Nobody wants you in Hollywood." Okay, that's enough. Minus 12.

TOTAL: +11. SEASON: +51. Boring as the Kristin-Brody-Audrina "drama" is, Spencer made this episode of The Hills. Dude has serious issues. We love it.

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

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The first season of The Hills seems like ... well, five seasons ago.

Back then, when Heidi Montag was the bubbly, slightly annoying but harmless BFF of Lauren Conrad, things made sense. Times were easier, and they were good.

Fast forward to May 2010 and the surgically enhanced Stepford Wife knockoff can't barely move her face to utter MTV's fake dialogue after all those operations.

In tonight's episode, Heidi gives Spencer Pratt what seems like a pleasant greeting: "Hi honey! Good to see you!" Only she sounds like a robotic, Barbie cyborg.

Having hired a planner to arrange a party for Enzo, the little kid MTV hired to give her baby fever last season, Heidi Montag must still be hurting from surgery.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt visited a U.S. Marine Corps base earlier this week. Sadly, they were not part of target practice. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Seriously, the girl's face cannot move. At. All. Meanwhile, Spencer Pratt's crystals (see last week's episode) clearly aren't working, as he's about to blow a gasket.

These two need psychiatric help, and soon.

However much money Enzo's parents got paid to subject their child to Speidi, it wasn't nearly enough. What party theme could possibly be worse for a little kid?

Okay, maybe One Night with Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods' Cocktail Waitress Paradise and The Tattooed White Power Regions of Michelle McGee would be worse.

Follow the jump for a clip from tonight's episode of The Hills ...

Continue Reading...

The Hills Quotes

Brody's girlfriend is pretty. With very large breasts.

Lauren Bosworth [on Cora Skinner]

Someone with a great sense of humor is the most important thing, and someone who really supports me in everything I do... I don’t ever want to make an excuse for trying to work hard and having my own life. I love a guy that supports that and loves that.

Lauren Conrad [on men]
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