Tale of the Tape

We're down to the final four in the NFL.

On Sunday, the Baltimore Ravens do battle with the New England Patriots, while the New York Giants head to San Francisco to face the 49ers. Which teams will be featured in a Super Bowl that also includes a mostly naked David Beckham?

We break down the key categories of the first match up below...

CONNECTION TO GOD:
Ravens: Middle linebacker Ray Lewis is an ordained minster.
Patriots: Blew away Tim Tebow and the Broncos last week, 45-10.
Edge: Patriots

UNIVERSITY STARTING QUARTERBACK ATTENDED:
Ravens: Delaware
Patriots: Michigan
Edge: Ravens

RECORDS BROKEN BY STARTING QUARTERBACKS:
Ravens: Worst facial hair
Patriots: Most touchdown passes in a single season
Edge: Patriots

MASCOT REPRESENTS:
Ravens: The most widely distributed of all corvids
Patriots: A patriotic freedom fighter
Edge: Patriots

TYPICAL FAN:
Ravens: Unclear
Patriots: Drunk Masshole
Edge: Ravens

THE VERDICT: The Patriots pull it out, three categories to two. Blame Joe Flacco's Fu Manchu, as well as his poor passing ability, for the inevitable loss by the Ravens.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

THG is making the NFL playoffs as simple as can be. By breaking down the most important aspects of this weekend's second round playoff games, we already know:

• The New Orleans Saints will beat the San Francisco 49ers.
• The New England Patriots will destroy the Denver Broncos.
• The Baltimore Ravens will prevail over the Houston Texans.

Now, let's finish off the quartet by forecasting the Green Bay Packers vs. the New York Giants...

POINTS SCORED IN FIRST MEETING THIS YEAR:
Packers: 38
Giants: 35
Edge: Packers

NOTABLE AREA FOOD EXPORTS:
Packers: Cheddar, sausages
Giants: Bagels, Manhattan clam chowder
Edge: Packers

EMBARRASSING ACTION BY EX-STAR:
Packers: Brett Favre texted photos of his penis to an employee
Giants: Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh
Edge: Even

OWNED BY:
Packers: City of Green Bay
Giants: Rooney Mara's family
Edge: Packers

CELEBRITY FANS:
Packers: Denis Leary, Erin Andrews, David Ortiz (wife is from Wisconsin), Lil Wayne, Jessica Szohr
Giants: Jon Bon Jovi, Adam Sandler, Angie Harmon, Busta Rhymes, Mara sisters
Edge: Even

THE VERDICT: Sorry, Giants fans. While a common upset choice, New York simply doesn't have what it takes to hang with Green Bay, failing to win a single category and only pulling out a couple ties due to Bon Jovi and a wide receiver who spent time in jail. The Packers take this one, 3-0-2.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

We're back with yet another NFL playoff preview, as THG helps readers make predictions for the second round of this mini-tournament via a series of in-depth, vital comparisons between teams. So far, they have yielded the following results:

• The New Orleans Saints will knock off the San Francisco 49ers.
• The New England Patriots will throttle the Denver Broncos.

Up next: the Baltimore Ravens versus the Houston Texans. Let's find out which will win and why...

FANTASY FOOTBALL STUD:
Ravens: Ray Rice
Texans: Arian Foster
Edge: Even

NUMBER OF PLAYERS CONVICTED FOR OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE IN A MURDER INVESTIGATION:
Ravens: One (Ray Lewis)
Texans: Zero
Edge: Texans

HOMETOWN WAS THE FICTIONAL SETTING FOR:
Ravens: HBO's The Wire
Texans: NBC's Chase
Edge: Ravens

WOEFUL LOCAL BASEBALL TEAM:
Ravens: The Orioles
Texans: The Astros
Edge: Ravens

NAMED AFTER:
Ravens: An Edgar Allen Poe poem
Texans: Every resident of the state
Edge: Ravens

THE VERDICT: This one won't be very close, as the Texans can only muster one category win and another tie. That's what happens when a rookie quarterback goes on the road in the NFL playoffs, and also when NBC cancels Chase after just a few episodes. Bet Baltimore big.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

The Patriots will defeat the Broncos in the second round of the NFL playoffs this Saturday night. That's just a fact, proven by this in-depth analysis of the teams.

Now, to continue with our game-by-game breakdown, we tackle (get it?!?!?) the Saints and the 49ers. Who will win? Find out now, based on the following, vital facts, stats and comparisons...

LOCAL DELICACY:
Saints: Gumbo
49ers: Rice-A-Roni
Edge: Saints

MOST LIKELY TO SEE ON THE STREETS OF THEIR HOMETOWNS:
Saints: Girl-on-girl action
49ers: Man-on-man hand holding
Edge: Even

FAN SUPPORT:
Saints: Who Dat Nation
49ers: People in Northern California care about sports?
Edge: Saints

MOST MEMORABLE SUPER BOWL MOMENT:
Saints: Tracy Porter's game-clinching interception in Super Bowl XLIV
49ers: John Taylor's game-winning touchdown reception in Super Bowl XXIII
Edge: Even

RELATIONSHIP TO REGGIE BUSH:
Saints: Employed running back when he dated Kim Kardashian
49ers: None
Edge: 49ers

THE VERDICT: This will be a close game but the Saints take two of the five categories, while pulling even with the Niners in two others. We can't bring ourselves to bet against Drew Brees and the abundance of gumbo in New Orleans and, really, neither should you.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

If betting on sports were legal, the THG staff would be a rich group. We went 3-0-1 in opening round NFL playoff predictions last weekend, even correctly forecasting Denver's upset over Pittsburgh.

Stick with us, readers. We know what really counts in these matchups.

Now we're back to tell you which teams will advance to their respective conference championship games. First up: Five key comparisons between the New England Patriots and Denver Broncos, who square off Saturday night at 8 p.m.

NUMBER OF TIMES QB HAS GOTTEN LAID:
Patriots: At least two
Broncos: None
Edge: Patriots

QUARTERBACK-BASED PROOF THAT GOD EXITS:
Patriots: This wife
Broncos: This play
Edge: Patriots

EXPERIENCE WITH CHAD OCHOCINCO:
Patriots: Disappointing free agent pickup
Broncos: None
Edge: Broncos

STAR PLAYER'S GOD-GIVEN ABILITY:
Patriots: Dancing
Broncos: Everything
Edge: Broncos

POSSIBLE ACHILLIES HEEL:
Patriots: Pass defense, running game, overconfidence
Broncos: Satan
Edge: Patriots

THE VERDICT: It will be closer than people expect, but the Patriots take it. Seriously, if Tebow is tight with the son of God, Brady must at least be BFFs with His nephew. The Golden Boy has a huge day.

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

The NFL will feature four Divisional Round playoff games this week, three of which we've already determined the results for via a detailed, scientific comparison of players and team traits. To wit:

• The Giants will knock off the Falcons.
• The Broncos will beat the Steelers.
• The Saints and Lions game will end in a tie.

Now, for the matchup that will air actually first tomorrow afternoon, let's rundown the most important aspects of the Cincinnati Bengals and the Houston Texans...

1. TOTAL OFFENSE (YPG)
Bengals: 319.9
Texans: 372.1
Edge: Texans

2. TOTAL DEFENSE (YPG)
Bengals: 316.2
Texans: 285.7
Edge: Texans

3. TEAM RUSHING (YPG)
Bengals: 111.1
Texans: 153
Edge: Texans

On the heels of the NFL Divisional Playoffs, THG is previewing the quartet of matchups on tap this weekend. Already, our astute analysis has revealed:

• The Giants will defeat the Falcons.
• The Broncos will edge the Steelers.

Now, it's on to the Saturday night game between the New Orleans Saints and Detroit Lions. We know a lot of points will be scored. Let's compare the most important aspects of each time to find out more...

1. SETTING FOR
Saints: Treme
Lions: 8 Mile
Edge: Lions

2. FAMOUS FANS
Saints: Ellen DeGeneres
Lions: Kid Rock
Edge: Saints

3. FICTIONALLY KNOWN FOR...
Saints: Marching In
Lions: Lacking heart
Edge: Tie

With the NFL playoffs kicking off this weekend, THG is giving fans a unique look into every Divisional Round matchup.

We've already given clear reasons why the Broncos will defeat the Steelers, for example, and now it's time to turn our attention to the New York Giants vs. the Atlanta Falcons. Which of these inconsistent squads will come out on top? Let's compare the teams in a variety of key areas and find out...

1. BIG "TIGHT END" TARGET ...
Falcons: Pregnant Kim Zolciak
Giants: Jake Ballard/Bear Pascoe
Edge: Tie

2. OWNERSHIP FUN FACT
Falcons: Principal owner/CEO Arthur Blank founded Home Depot
Giants: Actresses Rooney Mara (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo) and Kate Mara (American Horror Story) are the daughters of team V.P. Tim Mara and granddaughters of founder Wellington Mara
Edge: Giants

3. DEJECTED QB EXPRESSION
Falcons: Matt Ryan Face (below, right)
Giants: Eli Manning Face (below, left)
Edge: Giants

4. DEEP THREAT
Falcons: Julio Jones
Giants: Victor Cruz
Edge: Giants

The NFL playoffs get underway this weekend, with four Divisional Round matchups across the AFC and the NFC.

Which Wild Card teams might pull an upset? Forget listening to Vegas or ESPN experts. Over the next few days, THG will breakdown each game, giving readers the inside scoop on what's what really important, along with which team has the edge in each showdown...

1. STARTING QUARTERBACK ...
Steelers: Accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger
Broncos: Self-proclaimed virgin and man of God, Tim Tebow
Edge: Broncos

2. FAMOUS FANS ...
Steelers: January Jones, Seth Meyers, Jake Gyllenhaal, Bishop Thomas Tobin of the Diocese of Providence, Bret Michaels, Verne Troyer
Broncos: Scott Porter, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Jesus Christ (rumored), Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld)
Edge: Steelers

3. CELEBRITY OWNERSHIP CONNECTION ...
Steelers: Rooney Mara, great-granddaughter of founder Art Rooney, Sr.
Broncos: Homer Simpson, one-time owner
Edge: Tie

They share the same name, but little else.

In this edition of the THG Tale of the Tape, we compare Rex Sox legend Ted Williams with golden-voiced homeless man Ted Williams. What are their similarities? Differences? Who will prevail in a personal 10-round battle? Let's find out...

1. NICKNAME ...
Ted Williams: Teddy Ballgame
Ted Williams: The Man with the Golden Voice
Edge: Ted Williams (Homeless dude)

2. SIGNIFICANCE of #9...
Ted Williams: Jersey number
Ted Williams: Number of kids
Edge: Ted Williams (Homeless dude)