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Seth MacFarlane impersonated Ryan Lochte on Saturday Night Live's “Weekend Update” segment two nights ago, giving Seth Myers a preview of fall TV shows.

The Family Guy and Ted movie creator just eviscerated the Olympic champion, portraying Lochte as a dumb jock with lines such as “I was America in Olympics.”

"Ryan" referred to Matthew Perry's new show Go On as "Goon" (he didn't realize it was two words) and kept calling Animal Practice “Monkey Hospital.” #JEAH!

The kicker? At one point he randomly says, "It feels so weird to be dry."

Watch Seth's brutal parody of the Olympic swimming champ here:

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Jamie Kuntz says a kiss from his much-older boyfriend at his first game led the freshman linebacker to be released from his college football team.

North Dakota State College of Sciences in Wahpeton acknowledges Kuntz was disciplined by the team, but says it wasn't because he is homosexual.

Football coach Chuck Parsons denies kicking the gay football player off the team because he's gay, but says it was for lying to him about the kiss.

In any case, Kuntz, 18, and on a partial football scholarship, left the college in southeast North Dakota this month after his dismissal from the team.

Gay Football Player

"Football didn't work out, so there was no reason to stay," said Kuntz.

Kuntz said that he and his 65-year-old boyfriend were in the press box at the game against Snow College in Pueblo, Colo., over Labor Day weekend.

Sidelined by a minor concussion, he was videotaping the game for the team. His Wildcats were down by 40+ points when "the kiss just happened."

The team would eventually lose 63-17.

"People around here aren't exposed to it," Kuntz said of the fact that he is a gay man. "People expect gays to be flamboyant, not football players."

A teammate apparently saw the kiss and told coaches, Kuntz said, and Parsons confronted him; Kuntz told him the man was his grandfather.

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We already knew that Justin Bieber was a baller. The singer was named MVP of the 2011 Celebrity All-Star Game.

But at least one minor league hockey team admires the artist for his moves on the ice as well: the Bakersfield Condors have offered Bieber a contract!

Justin Bieber in Germany

Says Matt O'Dette on the squad's website, regarding why his team has been afflicted with Bieber Fever:

"Very rarely do you see this combination of skill and toughness. We share a common Canadian heritage since we both hail from Ontario. I've scouted some video of him online skating with my hometown team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, and I think he could provide some elusive speed up front for us. Plus, he's a right-handed shot which we've been looking to add. I think if we paired him on a line with (Robby) Dee and (Peter) Boyd we'd be tough to beat."

The site adds that Justin "possesses soft hands, a good skating stride, and a devastating wrist shot capable of beating NHL caliber goaltenders. He appears to be strong in shootouts as well."

You've been warned, Martin Brodeur!

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An emotional Andy Roddick cried Wednesday as he said goodbye to his fans following his final match, a loss to Juan Martin del Potro at the 2012 U.S. Open.

"Wow. For the first time in my career, I'm not sure what to say," the teary-eyed, always candid 30-year-old former World No. 1 said. "Where do I start?"

"Since I was a kid, I've been coming to this tournament. I felt lucky just to sit where all of you are sitting today, to watch this game and to see the champions who have come and gone and I've loved every minute of it."

"It has been a road with a lot of ups, a lot of downs and a lot of great moments. I've appreciated your support along the way," he continued.

"I know I certainly haven't made it easy for you at times, but I really do appreciate it and love you guys with all my heart."

"Last, I just want to say thank you to my family, my mom and my dad, who are up here, who gave me every chance in the world. Thank you."

"And my support team, who's been there with me forever. One thing I'm not scared of about retirement is the people that I go home to. They're great and I appreciate it."

Roddick announced last week that he would retire from tennis after the U.S. Open, ending a career that saw him win 32 championships over a decade.

He won only one Grand Slam - the 2003 U.S. Open - due largely to the emergence of all-time greats Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. Don't feel too bad for him though.

Brooklyn Decker pics. 'Nuff said.

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Note to MMA fighters (and everyone about to throw down in any situation): Only taunt your adversary if you're ready for the kick to the face you might provoke.

While Shai Lindsey certainly livened up his MMA bout with Carlo Juinio in the Tuff 'n' Uff amateur arena Sunday, he proved that showboating is a double-edged sword.

After raising his arms in a "Come at me, bro," gesture of sorts, Juinio did as he requested, LEVELING Lindsey with an abrupt kick to the face, ending the match.

Fortunately, he suffered only a massive hemorrhage to his ego.

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Olympic team and individual gymnastics gold medalist Gabby Douglas announced today that she will be coming out with an "inspirational memoir," People reports.

The book, My Life as a Flying Squirrel, is due out in December.

Just kidding. The book will actually be titled Grace, Gold and Glory, My Leap of Faith, and will chronicle the 16-year-old's early life and rise to stardom.

Gabby Douglas' Pony Tail

Douglas' back story - leaving her family in Virginia at age 12 to train 3,000 miles away - and her journey to Olympic glory are nothing if not remarkable.

Upon the announcement, Douglas said, "Even before I competed in the Olympics, I always wanted to write a book." The forthcoming memoir, she adds:

"Will also be about how much my family and I have overcome during our journey. It hasn't been easy. [I hope people will] think anything is possible."

HarperCollins Sr. VP Lisa Sharkey said, "Gabby Douglas shines even more brightly than her Olympic Gold Meals. The reason is her inner strength and strong faith."

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We officially totally hate Spencer Vegosen.

That young man is the latest to be linked to Pippa Middleton, and the second just this week as the Duchess' sister makes a high-society tour of New York.

Pippa was first spotted with the junior tennis star yesterday, when the 28-year-old Brit and 24-year-old American got together to watch the U.S. Open.

Here's a photo of the rumored couple:

Spencer Vegosen and Pippa Middleton

Pip, who was also linked to Andre Balazs this week, may have found more suitable "love" with this rumored "match" ... see what we did there tennis fans?

Previously a top junior player, Spencer Vegosen is a Harvard graduate who is said to speak Mandarin Chinese, Classical Chinese, Japanese and Spanish.

He may or may not have worked at Goldman Sachs and his father is the president of the U.S. Tennis Association ... not a bad connection for tickets.

Until the next edition of THG's Pippa Middleton Romance Watch ...

[Photo: WENN.com]

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Even making it to the Paralympic Games is an incredible feat, given the obstacles that the participants must inherently overcome to excel athletically.

Watching the competition, however, gives you a true appreciation for the level of skill and determination of these athletes. Case in point: David Wetherill.

For a highlight rivaling any moment from the London Olympics, check out the utterly ridiculous shot the British table tennis standout pulled off this week:

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  • In 1961, the Dallas Texans finished second in the AFL West division to San Diego, who lost the 1961 AFL championship to the Houston Oilers.
  • In 1962, the Dallas Texans beat the Houston Oilers for the AFL title, then moved to Kansas City to become the modern-day Chiefs.
  • In 2002, the Houston Texans name returned to the NFL when the city was awarded a new team (the Oilers left town in 1996, becoming the Tennessee Titans).
  • In 2011, the Houston Texans won their first AFC South division title with a 10-6 record, but did not win the actual AFC.

Keep all of these things in mind as you enjoy the Old Navy shirt below:

Texans T-Shirt

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Elisha Cuthbert already knows a thing about Happy Endings quotes. Now she's even more well-versed on the subject in real life as well as TV.

The actress is engaged to Dion Phaneuf of the Toronto Maple Leafs!

Cuthbert, 29, announced on Twitter that she's "Happily, happily, happily, happily engaged! This has been the most amazing weekend ever."

Eisha Cuthbert and Dion Phaneuf

The couple, who began dating way back in May 2008, celebrated at New Glasgow Lobster in Prince Edward Island, Canada, last night.

"Last night we had the privilege of hosting a surprise engagement party for Dion Phaneuf and Elisha Cuthbert," the restaurant tweeted.

"Congrats to them both."

Announcing their engagement at the PEI venue was "a nice surprise for all their guests ... Congrats to them both and LOVE the ring!"

Phaneuf, 27, "never said it was for an engagement party," a source says. "They invited 40 friends and family to celebrate at the restaurant."

"Elisha looked very happy and pleased. She was showing off her ring to her family and the wait staff," the source at the restaurant adds.

"Dion and Elisha both got up an gave a speech and thanked everyone for being there and celebrating this exciting time with them."

Cuthbert previously dated NHL player Sean Avery, who was suspended for saying Phaneuf was enjoying his sloppy seconds in 2008.

Congratulations to Elisha and Dion!

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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