Mary Jo Eustace
Gossip

We assume Heather Mills only listens to the voices in her head.

But let's hope the one-legged former call girl and Mrs. Paul McCartney at least heeds the advice of Mary Jo Eustace.

As the scorned ex-wife of Dean McDermott, who left her for Tori Spelling, Mary Jo Eustace speaks from experience when she offers advice to Mills.

"First rule of combat, Heather - if I can call you Heather - is to never, ever, let them see you sweat," Mary Jo recently said, in reference to Mills' public breakdown on British television.

"I really think it is time to stop trying so hard, because frankly even going on Dancing with the Stars again will not salvage this mess. Please listen carefully - no more TV interviews, or scrapbooking, or threatening to take a Beatle down, or saying you thought of suicide when you probably didn't, or asking for water at room temperature when nobody really know what that temperature is.

Now is the time to forget about the court of public opinion, because let's face it, even when you win that, what does it all mean in the end?"

Wow. Eustace sounds just like newswoman Melissa Theuriau, telling it like it is.

"A family has broken up," she continued. "There is a child involved and you will have to deal with that Sir Paul McCartney whether you like it or not. And for God's sake, look at the positives - financially, you will never have to worry about your daughter's well-being or your own.

As a matter of fact, you can probably enjoy a lovely quality of life and become anonymously involved with all the charities you so lovingly speak about. I can consider all of this a gift. Take it."

Amen, Mary Jo. We hope these words of wisdom prove to eligible bachelors out there that you're more of a catch than Mills and Spelling combined.

Hear that, Justin Brescia?

Attention, Simon Monjack haters: perhaps it's time you spewed your venom at someone else deceitful.

Mary Jo Eustace will be glad to give you a candidate: Ex-husband Dean McDermott.

The pair were happily married - having recently pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted a child - when the second rate actor left her last year for Tori Spelling. On Mary Jo's birthday, no less. She spoke to People magazine about the incident.

"I came home, and somebody called me and said there was going to be something in [New York Post gossip column] Page Six, and I didn't even know what Page Six was," Eustace said. "So it just kind of exploded. ... I was offered several publishing deals to do a book, and I turned them down."

But Eustace, who now lives in Canada with kids Jack and Lola did write "a comedy script loosely based on my situation," and it is being looked at as a possible series; perhaps one to compete with Tori and Dean's nauseating reality show, Inn Love.

In the meantime, she has also written an essay for a new anthology called The Other Woman, which features stories from 21 women about betrayal. Kim Kardashian can probably relate to it based on the Ray J sex tape leak. Here's an excerpt:

When The Other Woman Is Tori Spelling
When Dean called me from the set [of his TV movie], he told me how great he was getting along with his costar Tori Spelling. She was fun, caring and much hotter in real life. I assumed this was good. Before he left, jokes flew at the prospect of working with the daughter of a Hollywood mogul. I suggested he befriend her. "Who knows?" I laughed. It might be good for his career.

Now here he is, back. We're on vacation and I'm wearing my bikini with saggy faded bottoms. I know something is wrong. "Have you met someone?" I ask. He nods yes. "Is it Tori Spelling?" He nods. "We're soulmates," he says. "She loves me unconditionally."

"What conditions?" I scream. "You've only known each other three weeks." (The Hollywood Gossip finds this to be a better point than even the ones Simon Cowell just made about Britney Spears.)

I look down at my baby daughter. "We just adopted a baby." The phrase single mother pops up in my brain. I start to feel weightless as I cross the divide between together and alone.

"I'm not leaving the kids," he says. "I'm leaving you."

I begin to sob. I actually begin to worry that maybe it's all because I look fat. Maybe he was undecided, and this dreadful bikini sealed the deal.

Hey, Mary Jo, we doubt that's true. But you can talk to Janet Jackson if you wanna see how to lose weight.