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"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"How do you know?"

"Because I feel it."

This Valentine's Day exchange between Raquel, a.k.a. Rocky, and her boyfriend Alex, sums up the bewilderment and nausea that comes with watching Laguna Beach on a weekly basis. It's revolting, but yet so compelling that you cannot look away.

Love is kind of in the air on Valentine's Day, that's for sure.

At the beginning of the episode, Rocky and Tessa are in the kitchen baking up something (as usual) with Rocky bragging that Alex is planning a special V-day surprise for her. Tessa gets a spine and jokingly tells Raquel to shut her yap with all the swooning, because Tessa is sans a V-Day date.

Kyndra, meanwhile, continues to lie to Tyler, sticking to her story that all the rumors about her hooking up with Cameron at the dance are false.

[THG NOTE: My wife's take on Tyler: "This guy is so incredibly ugly and so lame I can barely stand it. Have you heard his voice?"]

Yeah. Not exactly huge Kyndra fans here at the Gossip, but Tyler might be even more out of favor. It's obvious that he does not believe her about Cameron, but he continues to be passive-aggressive and just gives Kyndra a creepy "whatever." He may or may not be a sociopath.

At the same time, Candace, Cami and Rachel dish about the Valentine's Day party at Tyler's house. Cami says she's looking forward to the inevitable fight that Kyndra and Tyler will have.

This girl is a piece of work! A really annoying piece of work.

Alex picks Rocky up for their date and takes her to the beachside dinner visited by Lauren Conrad and Jason Wahler last season. There, A-Rock sits quietly, gazing into each other's eyes. Rocky tells Alex that she loves him and, after a torturous silence, he reciprocates.

It's really sweet... until we cut to the next day and Alex tells his friend that perhaps he's so not in love with Raquel after all. What to believe? Imagine how Rocky must feel watching this. Don't these people know they're being filmed when they two-time and lie to each other? I'll never get over that as long as I live. But you best believe that I, a 27-year-old married man, will keep watching.

Finally it's time for the weirdest Valentine's Day party ever. Cameron shows up and tries way too hard, along with Kyndra, to play it cool.

Cam and Nick act like schoolgirls and make fun of Tyler at the dinner table while Kyndra feels awkward. Tyler calls Kendra on her obvious preoccupation with Cam, as Nikki takes the opportunity to cuddle with the stud.

The next day, Kyndra and Tyler battle it out and he kicks her to the curb. Chalk this up to just another happy Valentine's Day down in Laguna Beach history.

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T.H. Gossip delights in bringing you the pop culture observations of ESPN's Bill Simmons, a.k.a. the Sports Guy, along with the rants of his lovely wife, a.k.a. the Sports Gal.

In the most recent edition of Bill's mailbag, he responds to reader questions about sports, sure... but more importantly, he addresses the current happenings on Laguna Beach as well as the Screech sex tape. See below.

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Scott (New York, NY): What is Cameron's problem on Laguna Beach? Can't he see that Trish is a thousand times hotter than that wet blanket Jessica? And yes I am 26 years old and watch a show about high school kids.

Bill Simmons: The funniest thing about Cameron (below, right) is that he has no discernable personality at all. There's just nothing there. He's a complete zero. And yet every girl is falling over themselves for him. Hey, guess what, ladies? In 15 years, he'll be a bald guy with a huge head and no personality! Enjoy.

Steve (Menlo Park, CA): Have you heard that the actor (Dustin Diamond, below left) who played Screech has a sex video coming out? What's the title got to be? I'm voting for Saved by the Smell.

Bill Simmons: Is that true? Is that a step up or a step down from appearing in  Celebrity Boxing?

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There is a line between dysfunctional and meaningless.

That psycho Cami was very wrong last week when she named Kyndra and Tyler the most dysfunctional couple in Laguna. To be dysfunctional, there has to be something there, and in this case there just isn't.

Tyler's Gucci shoes (which he wore to walk on the f&*king beach) have a more meaningful relationship with the dude than does Kyndra.

For a couple whose greatest commonality is a pair of matching sunglasses, an extraneous hook-up shouldn't mean much. So, why make it the focus of an entire episode of Winter Formal happenings? It makes less sense than that cliché-saturated graduation speech made to Alex H. in Season Two, but hey, this is Laguna Beach. Why question it.

Tessa's relationship with herself, meanwhile, is more dysfunctional than the vacuous coupling of Kyndra (pictured) and Tyler. The girl said she was actually looking forward to going to Formal sans a male companion and instead with her girlfriends. [THG NOTE: Doesn't this only work when everyone else is dateless as well?]

In the end, she definitely did not have as much fun as Rocky, who screamed so hard she lost her voice (which sounded much better when gone, frankly).

Spouting melancholy ruminations of her future, Tessa insisted she would still be boyfriend-less come prom time... at least until the producers can work their magic and concoct some miraculous, puzzling union -- Lauren Conrad / Jason Wahler style.

Aside from the Cameron-Kyndra hook-up that no one saw coming (aside from the fact that Cam hooks up with everyone in sight) and Tessa's dances, the glitzed-out Winter Formal was surprisingly dull.

Tyler's nervy sister Nikki watched Kyndra lose her morals but not her shoes as she whispered sexy somethings into Cameron's ear, which we're sure were compelling. The eavesdropper, though totally loving her $6,000 monthly shopping sprees, felt tragically torn between a friend and a brother.

Over-the-top dance inquiries seem to be a staple for Laguna Beach. Kyndra's pizza plea, Lexie's limo proposal, Rocky's oceanfront picnic and Tessa's pathetic attempts at dates are par for the course. We'll be right back on the couch next week eagerly anticipating more.

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This week in the real O.C., it was Cameron's birthday.

As the Laguna Beach player shopped for a new guitar that his parents were going to buy him, he chatted with his incoherent bud, Nick, about Tessa's annoying text messages.

Nick told him that Cam, who hooked up with Tessa on last week's show, was obviously just "shopping around for chicks," to which Cameron responded "Dude, what are you trying to say?"

Exactly, dog.

Season 2 hangers-on Jessica and Alex (a.k.a. Kristin Cavallari's friends who have yet to realize that they need to get a life and move on) met for lunch, where Jess 'fessed up that she was still hangin' with Cameron on a regular basis, even though he is still only in high school. Yes, Jessica, we can't imagine you hangin' with someone so immature.

Are you f*%king kidding me?

Cami, meanwhile, has a pow-wow with her friend Candance over Kyndra's "much older, on-again-off-again boyfriend," Tyler. The girls are sure Ty will end up breaking Kyndra's heart for the 573rd time, and the good friends that they are will have to say "we told you so."

Meanwhile, Kyndra heads to Tyler's house for a romantic backyard barbecue and Ty asks her if she wants to get back together. They seal the deal with some steamy kisses by the outdoor fireplace. Just so you know, Tyler could not be more creepy and unappealing, and if his stock couldn't drop any further, we see that he's pals with Jason Wahler. This guy eats it.

At Cameron's birthday bash, Cami and Jessica pretend to be friends for five minutes so they can rag on Kyndra and Tyler's doomed relationship. At the same time, the pair go out for dinner and argue when Kyndra brings up their age difference.

Tyler doesn't understand why she has to harp on the fact that he was 18 when they met and she was only 14. I mean, come on Kyndra. It's so not a big deal that he likes little girls. Geez!

Back at the party, Cameron and Jess were canoodling when Tessa shows up all ready to give the birthday boy some birthday lovin'. Obviously crushed, Tessa bails early. The next day she and Raquel commiserate on what a dog Cameron is, but Tessa calls him anyway to talk about their situation.

Then he dodges her call and leaves her waiting by the phone while he hangs at the beach with his buddies. We would have felt bad for her if we thought Cameron was any big loss... but really he's just the King of the Meatheads.

Mmmm. Steak.

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At MTV, reality has always been a moving target.

More than 16 years ago, the network heralded the era of Reality TV with The Real World. Three years ago, it pushed the genre further with Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, in which the mundane lives of a clique of pretty teenagers were presented in a way that appeared scripted and dramatic.

Now, the New York Times reports, the cable channel aims to push the boundaries of false reality one step further. This week, MTV will introduce Virtual Laguna Beach, an online service in which fans of the program can immerse themselves -- or at least can immerse digitized, three-dimensional characters, called avatars, that they control -- in cyber-versions of the show's familiar seaside hangouts.

The introduction of Virtual Laguna Beach is the first of three such worlds that MTV plans over the next year as part of an effort to steal a march on popular websites like MySpace and YouTube that have diverted the attention of the MTV audience.

The virtual Laguna Beach product will be making its debut two weeks after the abrupt dismissal of Tom Freston as chief executive of Viacom, MTV Networks' parent.

One reason given by Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone for axing Freston was that the company had not been aggressive enough in its online expansion.

Of the two other virtual worlds planned, VMTV is a music destination where visitors can club-hop among hip neighborhoods, buy music, watch videos, sing karaoke or even start their own bands. The third virtual destination, LogoWorld, an offshoot of Logo, the gay and lesbian cable channel, will be designed entirely by its participants.

Laguna Beach was an obvious choice for the first venture because it has a heavily female audience and because the show itself is such a blur of real, unreal and... well, sort of real. Fans know it's just layer upon layer of reality and fiction, and you can't tear yourself away.

Unfortunately, cast members from the television show's three seasons are not part of the planned online experience, although who knows -- maybe there will be some sort of Virtual Kristin Cavallari game released in the next year or two. We'd love to "play" that, if you know what we mean.

If you know what we mean, please tell us -- we have no idea. All we know is that Jason Wahler needs to get bitch slapped. What an ass.

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So having somehow missed an episode of Laguna Beach last week, T.H. Gossip was understandably thrilled when it learned that MTV replays the previous week's show before each new episode.

Lauren Conrad Topless

We're not sure what it says about us that we were so excited about watching a re-run -- or that we now know the words to the theme song (Hilary Duff's "Coming Clean"), but let's forget about being judgmental and get down to a recap of the last two weeks, shall we?

In any case, we finally got to see Laguna Beach alum Lauren Conrad counsel her little sister, Breanna Conrad (right), about the harsh realities of Laguna life. Upset that her childhood BFF, Rocky, is now totally BFF with Tessa, Breanna invites Rocky to lunch to talk about feelings. Breanna cried. On more than one occasion.

Much as we want to like this girl, she seems kinda pathetic.

Then, to make matters worse, Breanna awkwardly shunned Rocky when she tried to be the bigger person and attend a pool party at the Conrads' ridiculous house. Sigh. Breanna clearly has a long way to go, self-confidence wise, if she wants to fill the shoes of her sister (below, now starring in her own spin-off, The Hills).

Moving on to the new episode last night, Cameron and a meathead buddy decided to accompany Tessa on a road trip to San Diego. We think Tessa went down there for some sort of modeling thing. Not really sure. What we do know is that she and Cameron got. It. On.

All the while, he's supposedly dating (and openly saying he wants to dump) Jessica Smith, Kristin Cavallari's friend. From last season. Move on, girl!

Correct us if we're wrong, but most player types who two-time girls try not to get outed. This kid is doing it on television! Not that we're criticizing Cameron. We all knows that unlike chicks, dudes who sleep around aren't sluts. They're awesome!!

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So, Laguna Beach last night? OMG. There sure was a ton of -- for lack of a better word -- drama. Let's break it down.

Tessa seems like she's over the whole Chase thing, at least while the dude is off tending to band emergencies or whatever he does. Aren't these kids in school? Does no one in the city of Laguna Beach have to do anything a normal person does? Doesn't he know his band is not good? Whatever.

Laguna Beach Season 3 Cast Photo

Good to see Cameron all but denying his relationship with Jessica in true player fashion. You don't want the kids at school to know you're hooking up with the pathetic, already-graduated girl who can't give up the reality TV lifestyle.

EARTH TO JESSICA: Your classmates, such as Kristin Cavallari, have moved on. Do the same, for your own sake.

In Cameron's case, he knows exactly what the dilly be. Older women are usually good for your cred... just not this one.

The biatch posse, Cami (above) and Kyndra, were in full force last night, crashing Rocky's party. As they drove to the party to which they were not invited, Kyndra scoffed that Rocky "better not think" she can do the same to her parties, girlfriend!

Let's recap the party-crashing drama so far this season:

  1. Kyndra invites Tessa to her BBQ.
  2. Kyndra tweaks when she shows up with a posse.
  3. Rocky invites Cami and Kyndra to Tessa's surprise B-day.
  4. They complain about the invitations themselves, but show up anyway, then cut out of that piece early.

Which brings us to last night, with Rocky having the sense not to invite the terrible twosome and them going anyway.

Continue Reading...

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No Kristin Cavallari, no waves.

Fewer, anyway. Less rad, man. Way. What the hell are we talking about? Two weeks ago, the third-season premiere of MTV's Laguna Beach, introducing an all-new cast of Orange County, Calif., hotties, was observed by 2 million fans. That's a good amount, but down 38 percent from the reality show's Season 2, Kristin Cavallari-enhanced average.

Kristin After Rehearsal

At least the new cast has potential and room to grow.

Nowadays, the 19-year-old is trying to break into acting and modeling, while maintaining a constant tabloid presence. Her ex, Brody Jenner, meanwhile, is apparently getting busy with pal Nicole Richie. Numerous blogs are reporting that the two have moved from "friends" to "friends with benefits."

Does this mean that Nicole gets free meals out of the arrangement? Because we all know she doesn't eat. Ooooooga. As we reported last week, Nicole was Brody's date for his birthday party at the West Hollywood, Calif., club Privilege. Then again, both Brody's mom and Kristin attended, so he and Richie are clearly taking it slow, at least for now.

We think this is great. Nicole needs a positive, loving influence in her life, and Brody is a solid, sweet, sincere guy, one who will possibly feed her in the near future. Why he would downgrade from Kristin, we have no idea. But he seems like a decent dude and hopefully these two find drama. Er, happiness.

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Wow. Another Wednesday night and another all-new episode of Laguna Beach in the books. It's hard to even know where to begin with this new cast, but if the first two episodes of Season Three are any indication, this crew is all about partying, forming cliques and creating hectic drama. Kind of like the previous cast, come to think of it.

In any case, last night's episode began with the girl who wouldn't move on, Jessica Smith, talking to her mother about pseudo-boyfriend Cameron (right). Jessica's concerned mother tells her daughter not to worry about dating a high school junior, since he's old for a junior and she graduated a year early.

Phew. Jessica's mom then told her daughter to not get too attached, and to take control of the situation to make the boys pine for her -- just like last season's star, Kristin Cavallari, would. Really. This actually happened. The girl's mom told her that. It's why we simultaneously abhor and adore the glory that is Laguna Beach.

While he's supposedly dating Jessica, Cameron really has his eye on this season's bombshell/bitch, Kyndra. On their date -- which Kyndra tells her mother (who qualifies for MILF status despite of obvious plastic surgery) is not a real date -- Cameron denies that he's "with" Jessica. They just "hooked up" that once, the jock says. Who talks like that? Aren't these people supposedly in high school?

For what it's worth, Cameron is clearly a chick magnet, no matter how much he looks like he might "steak out," or start breaking $h!t in true meathead style, at any second. It's a pretty safe bet that this Jessica-Kyndra-Cameron love triangle will result in some serious fights down the road.

Meanwhile, Raquel (a.k.a. "Rocky," left) and Chase conspire to plan a surprise party for his girlfriend and her BFF, Tessa.

It works rather well in the end, as the majority of Southern California apparently knows these kids and decided to show up for the shindig. Tessa was stunned and thrilled upon her arrival, and the birthday party turned out to be a kick ass time, quite similar to parties T.H. Gossip went to in high school.

Or not. In other Laguna news, Breanna Conrad was nowhere to be found, and Chase's band -- it's his life, man -- sounds a bit better than it did a week ago. Then again, the bar was set pretty low in that department. Kyndra's friend Cami, meanwhile, is still really annoying. But what are you gonna do?

Watch next week, that's what.

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Eager minds and probing cameras again went behind the scenes as the new cast of MTV's new season of Laguna Beach posed for the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly.

We compiled a full breakdown of the hot new cast, along with a preview of Season 3 last week. But for those of you who can't get enough Laguna, our friends at TMZ have a video that features clips of the Cali cuties.

During the shoot with photographer Jim Wright, Caleb, Cami, Kelan, Chase, Tessa and Kyndra let EW in on what we can expect this season -- "We do a lot more crazy stuff," one brags -- as well as their favorite bands (Muse, Red Hot Chili Peppers) and their favorite TV shows, which include Family Guy and Grey's Anatomy.

Kyndra, one of this season's central characters, even proffered some love advice for Meredith Grey, Ellen Pompeo's character on Grey's Anatomy.

"I want to see if she picks McDreamy... She better," Kyndra said.

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