No one had a worse night at the MTV Video Music Awards than Britney Spears.

But the two gentlemen pictured below came close:

Tommy Lee got into a fight with Kid Rock, all because they’ve both seen Pamela Anderson nude. As if this isn’t true for half the free world.

Meanwhile, Criss Angel had spent the last two weeks claiming he was hanging out with Britney Spears in order to help the hot mess with an illusion for her performance. But all the audience saw were a few minutes of awful lip synching and lackadaisical dancing.

This makes it fairly obvious, to paraphrase a Jerry Maguire quote, that Angel has been “shoplifting the pootie of a single mother.”

And that’s just wrong.

No, he’s just a man-whore.

“I just live my life,” the Vegas magician and Mindfreak star tells Parade magazine about his way with women - such as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Cameron Diaz and, yes, Britney Spears.

Of the sightings of Angel and Spears, he tells Parade, “She contacted me regarding some live performances. I’ve designed and created effects for even Steve Wynn’s hotel and Le Reve show. It’s what I do. They brought me on to discuss the possibility of working on some stuff with her.”

“Being that I’m insanely busy, the only time that I had was in the evening. And she was busy doing stuff, so we met in the evening.”

Britney? Busy? Doing what, parading around in no underwear and abusing her kids?

Criss Angel also says that he and Britney Spears haven’t been left alone together, insisting that “What people fail to see is, when we meet up, there’s a lot of other people around a bunch of the time.” Except for, you know, between 2-9 a.m. in his hotel suite.

With Angel publicly clashing with estranged wife JoAnn Sarantakos (Angel’s real name is Christopher Sarantakos), the ‘Freak is asked if he finds the coverage embarrassing.

“Marriage is a very sacred thing. I believe that my divorce is a private matter,” he said. “Unfortunately, people think money makes you happy. It doesn’t. Money doesn’t buy love.”

Of Sarantakos, he says, “The thing is, my wife was misguided by her lawyer, who is a celebrity lawyer, who is just out for attention.”

Sarantakos’ attorney, Dominic Barbara, had no comment on Angel’s remarks.

Looks like Jamie and Lynne Spears (parents of Jamie-Lynn Spears and Britney Spears) are on grandparent duty.

Of course, it was their daughter’s ex-husband who enlisted them.

The former couple, also divorced (as of 2002), took care of Britney Spears’ sons, Sean Preston, 23 months, and Jayden James, 11 months, at K-Fed’s house in Tarzana, Calif., Friday.

Kevin Federline, 29, was off shooting One Tree Hill in Wilmington, N.C., where the CW drama is filmed. Hey, dad’s gotta work sometimes.

As for mom, she was busy as well. Getting pulled over by the California Highway Paatrol after driving erratically. And getting her freak on with Criss Angel.

Celebrity news-breakers X17 report that after taking off from the hot club Opera at 2 a.m. Saturday night, Britney headed on over to meet Criss Angel - who she’s reportedly been “working closely with” on her MTV Video Music Awards act.

She showed up at his hotel with a full entourage and headed straight up to his room, where they enjoyed frequent trips to the balcony for a smoke.

This meeting of the minds (if you could call it that) was a long one. Britney Spears didn’t leave Criss’ mind-freaky palace of love until 9 a.m.!

The womanizing illusionist has stated for the record he’s not tapping that, but merely collaborating with Britney Spears on her upcoming MTV VMA performance.

Riiiiiiight. And Heidi Montag’s engagement ring is totally real.

Criss Angel is helping Britney Spears with a possible MTV Video Music Awards performance, and their relationship is purely professional, the illusionist says.

Yeah, right.

“It’s amazing what people think,” the Mind Freak said. “We’re not together. Her manager is my manager. I’m helping with one of her shows for MTV. That’s all.”

Rumors flew after the Las Vegas-based Criss Angel, 39, was spotted with Spears, 25, in L.A., meeting up with her and her friends at restaurants and hotels.

Acknowledging the Wednesday night dinner he and Spears shared at Cravings restaurant in West Hollywood, Angel said, “Yes, I’m here working on some stuff, and we went to that restaurant with 10 people.”

“We were talking about how she wants to do something more with the [awards] show, and about me helping out and hoping to work with her on doing something to make her MTV appearance more innovative.”

Britney Spears has been in talks to perform at the September 9 show at the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

“It’s amazing how you can’t do anything now without people making up stuff,” Angel said.

Sure thing. For the record, Spears and Angel went into the W Hotel in Westwood around 3:00 a.m. Friday morning and didn’t emerge until late morning.

According to TMZ, that’s the second night in a row the unusual duo was at a hotel together. Late Wednesday, they sauntered into the Towers Hotel in Beverly Hills.

In other news, while every guy under the sun is apparently willing to ride Britney Spears‘ train (heh) her divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, wants to get the hell off.

Sources connected to her case say that Wasser will resign as Spears’ attorney. The high-powered lawyer, who has represented stars such as Angelina Jolie and Nick Lachey, sealed the deal on the divorce late last month.

Now that the divorce is done, Wasser is done.

We’re told Wasser has put Spears in touch with other lawyers who could help the singer in her ongoing custody battle with Kevin Federline, but Spears has become so reliant on Wasser that she doesn’t like any of the alternatives.

There’s probably a good reason for that - with Spears falling apart at the seams, it’s pretty amazing Wasser was able to get her stupid ass a 50/50 custody split.

A new problem with a magazine trying to interview her. A new sexual conquest. Just another day in the life of the train wreck that is Britney Spears.

With Britney tapped to be Allure’s September cover model, rumors spread that the pop star acted erratic - uncooperative and unfocused - on the set of the photo shoot.

But Allure’s editor in chief, Linda Wells, is setting the record straight in her letter from the editor, saying “Britney showed up for Allure’s cover shoot on time and ready to work.”

Wells writes that Britney Spears did display some odd behavior at the shoot, however. Odd for normal people, anyway.

“She was entirely unselfconscious: She took off her wig and then stripped down to the waist, for no apparent reason, before sitting for hair and makeup,” she said.

Wells describes Britney Spears as “agreeable and cooperative” during the photo shoot. And the mag managed to snap some revealing, half-nude photos (below)!

But this where the good news ends. As it turns out, Britney Spears never showed up for her promised interview with the magazine.

Britney missed four meetings for an interview with Allure, essentially turning the cover story into a first-person rant from the writer, Judith Newman, detailing her frustrations with the screwed up star’s invariable string of cancellations.

Why is she so hard to track down? Maybe she’s too busy having the sex with Criss Angel, who has suddenly become the biggest womanizer in Hollywood.

Cameron Diaz’s recent fling and JoAnn Sarantakos‘ estranged husband was seen escorting Spears inside the Tower Beverly Hills Hotel on Wednesday night.The two held hands, then headed up to a suite on the 11th floor where he probably performed an “illusion” and made her clothes disappear. That’s a tough feat.

Spears recently had a topless hot tub romp with 21-year-old student Matt Encinias at the Standard Downtown hotel. It has also been suggested that Spears and her former assistant, Shannon Funk, have made love. But that’s another story. 

Britney Spears: Touched By an Angel. Criss.

We know it’s difficult, but let’s ignore rumors of Linday Lohan nude photos for now.

Instead, let’s talk about the wild night this newly rehabbed actress enjoyed immediately after she was released from the Promises facility.

According to Vegas Confidential, Lohan arrived at Pure Nightclub at Caesars Palace at 12:40 a.m. and was seen drinking Red Bull in the VIP section before the curtains were drawn on her party.

But that doesn’t mean our celebrity gossip spies didn’t get a look at the Firecrotch Queen when they could.

Lohan periodically came out from behind the curtained-off stage to acknowledge the crowd on a microphone. So it’s nice to see she didn’t lose her ego in rehab. She also interacted with Lauren Conrad of The Hills and Brody Jenner.

But here is where it gets really fun:

Not only did famed illusionist Criss Angel join Lohan’s group after 3 a.m. - but these two were spotted holding hands and leaving together 45 minutes later. In other words: the Mindfreak got his freak on with Lindsay Lohan.

And she best now be on the lookout now for JoAnn Sarantakos.

Angel proceeded to drop Lindsay and her group off around 5 a.m. and we’re all simply left to wonder what actually took place during the night.

But let’s just hope Cameron Diaz is fully over Criss at this point and is happy with David de Rothschild. Because we’re sure it was something nasty.

The Criss Angel spat with his soon-to-be ex is getting uglier than the image of a pregnant, 85-pound Nicole Richie.

A week after Cameron Diaz denied playing a role in Angel’s marital problems, the illusionist himself has spoken out.

In a statement released Sunday, Angel said, “It is with great sadness and disappointment that I feel the need to dignify and refute the inaccuracies, blatant lies and misrepresentations that my estranged wife and her attorney made last week in a New York courtroom and continue to make in the press.”

The pieces of celebrity gossip these two have leaked include allegations of adultery, a marriage kept secret, and lack of financial support.

But Angel countered: “I have always supported [JoAnn Sarantakos'] every expense in the past prior to her filing for divorce in May of 2006 and continue to do so to this day.”

As for claims that the couple’s marriage was secret, Criss says this simply wasn’t true. Just because he didn’t call Hollywood news reporters to follow the couple around, like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag do, doesn’t mean those close to him weren’t aware of the union.

“Our marriage was well known to my friends and all of my fans worldwide. She was featured prominently in the first two seasons of my show. She and her family were thanked and credited in every episode and in my recent autobiography.”

Finally, the reality TV star defends Diaz and scoffs at any accusations levied against her: “The fact that they have tried to use Cameron Diaz to accomplish their ends is a sign of their desperation…Cameron and I met in May of this year at the VH1 Rock Honors show, over a year after JoAnn’s initial filing…

Cameron is a good friend and an amazing person and to defame her and myself and paint her as the reason for my marriage’s demise is factually inaccurate, ridiculous and just plain wrong.”

Sounds like a reasonable retort on Angel’s behalf to us. Someday, Tameka Foster may lash out against her critics the same way. Be warned.

Kristy Swanson is not a homewrecker. The random actress wanted to get that word our to all celebrity gossip followers as soon as she could.

Might Cameron Diaz need to send out a similar alert now?

After all, the wife of Criss Angel is making certain, mean accusations.

Joanne Sarantakos filed for divorce yesterday in a Long Island court. She claims that her 15-year marriage, which TMZ said Angel kept a secret to boost his image to women, was destroyed by his freaky fame and his recent relationship with Diaz.

The New York Post reports that Sarantakos’ lawyer will subpoena Diaz for the divorce trial. It could get as ugly as the Mary Jo Eustace case against Tori Spelling and Den McDermott.

“We’re naming Cameron Diaz as his lover,” her lawyer Dominic Barbara reportedly told the Nassau County court, where Angel and Sarantakos faced off on Friday. “We will subpoena her as soon as she comes back to New York.” Barbara also told the court that Angel kept his wife a “secret” to further his career.

With news coming out that Kevin Federline might be challenging his divorce with Britney Spears, The Hollywood Gossip can’t help but wonder: Can’t anyone break up peacefully these days?

Competing with other hot Hollywood couples such as Kate Bosworth and James Rousseau is tough.

But Criss Angel has an amazing ace up his magical sleeve in the race for celebrity gossip attention.

“Cam is an amazing person,” the Mindfreak star tells People magazine in regard to the one and only Cameron Diaz. “I’m so honored to be able to call her my friend.”

But does he mean friend or does he mean down and dirty lover? “I don’t know how to classify them,” one close source said. “But she is using the word ‘we’ to mean her and Criss.”

Who knows what that means, though. Anne Heche once used the word “we” to describe herself and Coley Laffoon - and we all saw how that turned out.

Criss and Cameron have been spotted in Las Vegas two weeks in a row: Two days after they met on May 12, they caught a Cirque du Soleil show, where one witness told People, “they were snuggling with each other and he was making her laugh.”

And on May 18, Diaz jetted to Vegas for a romantic rendezvous with Angel that included snuggling through dinner at Social House, then slow dancing at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino’s Body English.

The two will need to continue with such cozy behavior if they wish to remain in the headlines ahead of other cute new couples, such as Natalie Portman and Andy Samberg.

Criss Angel is an illusionist.

But there doesn’t appear to be anything made up about his new relationship with Cameron Diaz.

For the second week in a row, Diaz was in Las Vegas hanging out with the magician. After arriving in town Friday afternoon, the pair dined at celeb hot spot Social House at Treasure Island.

The couple arrived for dinner at 6:30 p.m. and took a spot in the restaurant’s lounge chatting over drinks before retreating to a private dining room overlooking The Strip, as Angel tried to ignore the fact that he must live up to uber-stud Justin Timberlake in the minds of many.

After midnight, the pair popped up at PURE Nightclub at Caesars Palace, where they cuddled in the VIP area drinking wine and whispering into each other’s ear, a source told People magazine.

Could the duo soon end up like newly married couple Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil?

It may be too soon to tell.

But Diaz and Angel then made their way upstairs to the outdoor patio at PURE. They leaned over the rail, looking up and down the Strip before leaving the club through a side door around 1:15 a.m. But the night didn’t end there, as celebrity gossip spies were all over this couple: The two eventually turned up at Hard Rock Hotel’s Body English.

Once there, we can only assume they discussed the absurdity that is Britney Spears‘ hair.