Celebrity Quotes

TLC aired another episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo last night and, don't worry, we watched it so you would not have to.

And we've once again jotted down the best/worst/most nauseating quotes from an installment that found the show's six-year old star trying to speak Spanish...

Honey Boo Boo Speaks Spanish

"She feel like she gotta pee and s— at the same time." - Mama explaining Chickadee's labor pains.

"What does it look like I'm doing? Getting my finger stuck in my pussy?" - Mama giving Sugar Bear some lip.

"I kind of want to go spend time by myself." - Honey Boo Boo in mourning over Glitzy Pig.

"You better redneckognize!" - Honey Boo Boo to the cameraman.

"You got to wear this to bed tonight. That is smexy." - Mama to a Santa suit-wearing Sugar Bear.

"The thing I love about Glitzy is that she loves me." - Honey Boo Boo on her pig.

"I smell like a bowl of oyster stew so I gotta get clean." - Sugar Bear on why he must shower.

There went Honey Boo Boo.

The six-year old beauty pageant contestant and her family of eccentrics were introduced to the world on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo last night. Did you watch?

Have your eyes returned to their sockets after viewing the shenanigans of the Thompson family? Or listening to them explain the origin of the word vagina? Fear not if you missed either of the first two episodes.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Sneak Peek

We've run down the top quotes from Honey Boo Boo and her relatives below, courtesy of last night's frightening hour-long premiere:

Our hair has always been washed in the kitchen sink. - Mama on the family's cleaning habits.

All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimus. - Mama, judging the locals.

I likes to get in the mud because I like to get dirty like a pig. - Honey Boo Boo on one of her hobbies.

We came. We conquered. We done what needed to be done. - Mama on her family.

My mother has told me in the past that if you fart 12-15 times a day you can lose a little weight, so I think I'll lose a lot of weight because I'm going to fart a lot. - Chubbs on dieting.

My mama weighs the most in my family because she's fat. Truth. - Honey Boo Boo, stating the obvious.

I'll stop passing gas when I'm dead. - Pumpkin just being Pumpkin.

No one can be proper and etiquettely all the time. - Mama, addressing critics.

It's called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit and it opens up. - Mama explaining a nickname for her private part and... oh God, we're gonna be sick...

As Jessica Simpson's baby bump gets bigger, so does the girl's mouth ... in a manner of speaking. The girl's quotes about pregnancy just keep getting more absurd.

Don't get us wrong ... the Jessica Simpson nude cover of Elle was pretty, and we're happy she's excited for the birth of her daughter Maxwell (seriously) in May.

There have been TMI moments, however, as she can't go an hour without telling us ALL about it. Some of the best/worst Jessica Simpson pregnancy quotes.

• "Kraft mac and cheese with Lawry's seasoning salt is the breakfast for pregnant champions!"
• "Woke up looking like the lip injection fairy visited me in the night! Is this how pregnancy face begins? Yikes!"
• "The average person expels gas 15 times each day. The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!"
• "I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hookah. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks, it will be like a fire hydrant!"
• "I just started referring to myself as Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I seriously had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region."
• "I am definitely 'feeling intimate' ... I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!"
• "Oh my God, y'all. I just had a daydream that my vagina ate a bag of Skittles!"

Welcome to Who Said It, the THG feature in which we post a quote from a celebrity and readers have to guess, well, who said it. Ready to take part? Let's do this!

Think of my vagina as a vase, and if you've had sex with me, it's time to send flowers.

Well... who said it?!? Follow the jump to find out.

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Let there be no doubt: Charlie Sheen is winning.

At life? Not exactly. But at dominating news coverage and controlling his message, as misguided and nonsensical at it may be? Definitely. Below, first in video form and then in print, we've posted the troubled actor's best quotes from a week of interviews, rants, raves and restraining orders...

Charlie Sheen Quotes: Best of a Winning Week

I blinked and I cured my brain. Can't is the cancer of happen. | permalink

Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it, dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers. | permalink

I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It's too much. | permalink

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Like our Tila Tequila Twitter Tracker, we may soon need to make a rundown of late-night jabs and one-liners into a daily segment.

In the wake of the NBC programming debacle, David Letterman and company continue to chime in on Jay Leno's eventual takeover of the 11:35 p.m. time slot.

It's a mess, and we feel badly for Conan O'Brien, but it's also made for some great material. A sampling of last night's jokes are below...

Jay Leno: "Conan O'Brien, understandable, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. Conan said NBC only gave him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that -- seven months! How'd he get that deal? We only got four."

Conan: "Hosting The Tonight Show has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for me - and I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."

"According to a new TV Guide poll, 83 percent of voters want me to stay at 11:35. When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, 'How can I get NBC to screw me over?'"

Letterman: "Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Leno, today NBC canceled him."

"Isn't it lousy cold outside today? You know, they say, from the weather bureau, they say it's caused by an arctic chill between Jay and Conan."

Craig Ferguson: "For those of you who don't remember Tiger Woods, he's the guy we used to make fun of in the olden times before late-night TV went nuts and we all started talking about each other all the time."

Whose team are you on, readers?

It was a year of Twitter quitting (Miley Cyrus) and opposite marriage talk (Carrie Prejean).

Of unlikely womanizers (Tiger Woods, David Letterman) and out-of-the-closet confessions (Adam Lambert).

Before the calendar flips to 2010, The Hollywood Gossip staff would like to review the past 12 months via the most memorable celebrity quotes from 2009. Check them out below and let us know if we're forgetting any...

David Letterman: I got into the car this morning and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me. | permalink

Carrie Prejean: We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage ... I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there. | permalink

Oprah: Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn't great is lying to you. | permalink

Adam Lambert: I don't think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I'm gay. | permalink

Paula Abdul: I stand on principle where many people stand on money. | permalink

Kanye West: Yo, Taylor. I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. | permalink

Miley Cyrus [on quitting Twitter]: No more emo quotes and fake news with Demi. I'm done with all that. | permalink

Spencer Pratt: We're the most famous people in the world. | permalink

Megan Fox: I'm clearly not ugly. | permalink

When it comes to our favorite celebrity quotes of the year, it will be hard pressed for anyone to overcome Lil Wayne's take on safe sex.

But washed-up, plastic actress Lisa Rinna is giving it a try!

Earlier this week, when asked about swine flu by Entertainment Tonight, Rinna replied:

"I believe we all, except for myself, had the swine flu at our house. How do you know it's the swine flu? I don't know but we had all the symptoms. We had it before it came out. I'm serious. I'm dead serious. We had it at our house, I believe, and everyone is fine."

In other words: a couple members of Rinna's family had a high temperature a few weeks ago.

But, hey, when you haven't starred on a show in years, and when you look like this naked, you'll use any incident you can find to grab headlines.

Lil Wayne is an expert at two things:

1. Getting arrested.
2. Having safe sex.

The Grammy-nominated artist knows how to avoid knocking up his sexual partners. Well, except that one time.

Still the rapper has learned from his mistakes. In a new interview with Playboy, Lil Wayne explains his technique for avoiding any more unwanted pregnancies.

Because the details he provides aren't safe for work - or, really, anyone under the age of 27 - you'll need to follow this article's jump to read the quote. But, trust us, it's worth it.

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As we've discussed at length, Jessica Simpson weighs a lot more than she did a few months ago. Now various celebrities are weighing in themselves on that topic...

Nick Lachey: I can't believe people are making such a huge deal about it. I'm never ceased to be amazed by people's reactions to things. | permalink

Paula Abdul: I think this is absolutely ridiculous. People are being so mean. People don't realize that it's damaging to one's psyche. For women, it's hard enough to be accepted for how you are. She's a beautiful girl. | permalink

Lisa Rinna: She looks fine; she looks great. If she's happy, who cares? I'm disgusted by it, to be honest with you. She looks healthy, she's got curves, she's Jessica Simpson! Give me a break! | permalink

Rose McGowan: I think Jessica Simpson should tell them to 'eff off.' It's sad because you see a lot of male actors who gain a lot of weight in between roles. The reality is, if I went and gained 30 pounds in between roles, I wouldn't get roles. I think that's sexism, and it drives me crazy! | permalink

Nicky Hilton: I think it sucks. I think the media is very cruel with that stuff. | permalink

Jordana Brewster: I think she is beautiful. I think it's really, really hard in Hollywood because there is an absurd standard that is really hard. It absolutely sucks. She shouldn't be judged so harshly. | permalink

Tori Spelling: She looks great. To be honest, I haven't noticed a difference, so all of a sudden when I saw her on the cover, in my opinion, she's [still] Jessica Simpson. You know what this means? She's still really popular. | permalink

Nick Lachey: I wish her nothing but the best, and I hope she's happy - whatever size that comes in. | permalink

Heidi Klum: There are always people who are quick to offer an opinion and when you are in the public eye, people will always talk about you and put their opinions on you. That's what you get when you're in the public eye. But people need to be happy with the way they are. | permalink

Kim Kardashian: LEAVE HER ALONE!!! She is gorgeous. The fact that the media is sending this message to young girls is mind blowing! | permalink

Jessica Simpson: Please remember, no matter what you go through in life, somebody else might have it harder. So just appreciate. I feel like in our world today we focus on so many things that are completely pointless. | permalink