Brad Pitt
Gossip

This is a new one from the geniuses at In Touch Weekly.

Rather than simply making up Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston rumors as they normally do (see Brad running back to her, or their secret meeting earlier this fall), the popular supermarket tabloid magazine is entering the prediction business.

Brad and Jen may not be back together yet, but according to In Touch intel, you can rest assured they will. The headline says it all: YES, THEY'LL REUNITE!

If that doesn't convince you, we don't know what will ...

Brad and Jen will reunite! Seriously. Bank on it. In Touch said so.

Whether that's an older picture they used for the cover above, or an editing job even shadier than on Demi Moore's photoshopped W cover, the brief teaser on the cover leaves little doubt that this reunion is totally legit this time.

As Angelina Jolie, whose war against Jennifer Aniston never ceases, is panicking about her "battered reputation," Jen "waits for Brad" at a resort they love. Hot stuff.

You'll have to pick up a hard copy at the store to read about the "big steps" she and Jen are taking together in L.A., because they haven't posted the article online.

Our prediction, though, is that none of those steps have actually taken place. Call us crazy, but that's the hunch we get after the 19th interation of this same cover.

We know they've been playing mind games.

But apparently it's gotten way worse than that.

According to a new tell-all about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the truth about their shaky relationship and Jennifer Aniston's meddling in it is "shocking."

In fact, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reveals that the pair has "broken up so many times it would make your head spin."

Tell us about it. He's been sleeping on the couch / thrown out on the street / running back to Jen / abducting their kids for like three months now!

It's apparently Jennifer Aniston-Angelina Jolie Tabloid Cover Week.

The book claims Jolie "has a temper like a cobra" and even alleges that she confessed to hiring a hit man to kill her in 1998 because she was so distraught.

Apparently she's never heard of suicide. Talk about a waste of money. You have to pay the hit man, Angie! And people wonder why we're in a recession.

Excerpts read by Us Weekly indicate that she and Brad Pitt battle over their six children all the time - as well as his secret meetings with Jennifer Aniston.

"They fight all the time about the kids - where to put toys, saying the wrong thing to a nanny, not cleaning up," one source reports. "Like cats and dogs."

It's like a time warp over at OK! Magazine.

With no Robsten gossip to sustain it this week, apparently, their celebrity gossip writers' room had to dig deep to concoct a lead story story straight out of 2002:

Angelina Jolie to Adopt! Without Brad!

Once again, this implies trouble in paradise between Angelina and Brad Pitt that probably doesn't exist. Nor is she really even adopting a baby (or two babies).

But why let facts get in the way. After all, the magazine notes, when she was married to Billy Bob Thornton in 2001, she adopted son Maddox legally by herself.

Only Angie is on Mad's adoption papers, a "source" says. Therefore, we totally believe she plans to bring home baby #7 from Syria, even if Brad Pitt isn’t ready!

When you make up news yourself, everything's an EXCLUSIVE!

While Brad has said he wants a “soccer team” of kids, he’s now telling friends he’s not quite ready for another baby, OK!'s sources report. Angie will not be deterred.

“He has made it clear that six children are more than he can handle,” the source says. “But Angie is determined to complete her rainbow family.” Whatever that is.

Jolie plans to adopt a little Syrian girl despite Brad's wishes, supposedly, and one can only wonder what this will mean for their already strained fake marriage.

Follow the link to read the Brangelina adoption story for yourself. Just note that it won't be any more true on that website than it is on this or any other.

On October 24, Brad Pitt got into a minor motorcycle accident. That wasn't major news.

But the alleged destination to where Pitt was headed is major gossip fodder: a "top-secret meeting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston," according to this week's In Touch cover story.

The tabloid lies reports that the rendezvous was set up “via a series of coded – and often teasing – text messages.” But what if Angelina Jolie found out about it?

“Brad clearly felt it was worth the risk," said an imaginary anonymous source, which cited the reason why Pitt wanted to meet up with his ex in the first place: jealousy.

Aniston is supposedly back together with John Mayer, an unsubstantiated reconciliation to begin with. As a result of this relationship, though, the story claims Pitt's thoughts "revolve around Jen."

Of course, this rumor makes perfect sense. After all, if you believe tabloid reports, just look at the state of Brangelina's union, based on a series of recent covers:

Note to entertainment "news" magazines: Aniston and Pitt got divorced over four years ago. We know the actress keeps bringing it up, but can we all move on, please?

Don't you have Robsten break-ups to lie about instead?

For whatever reason, the failed marriage of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is up there with Jennifer Aniston dying alone and a Robert Pattinson-Kristen Stewart wedding on the list of scandalous gossip stories people are dying to read.

If you're a celebrity gossip magazine or an enterprising author, why let facts get in the way? So thought the creator of the December 1 tell-all, Brangelina Exposed.

Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist and author of July's bestseller Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson, Brangelina Exposed promises to explain how the seemingly perfect couple "successfully manipulated the public."

What have we been manipulated into, you ask? "Believing a glamorous fairytale that bears little resemblance to the reality of the pair's life together." Obviously.

Basically, the Brangelina marriage is an act. Stop us if you've heard this one.

First on Halperin's agenda: Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston (who supposedly had a secret meeting with him lately) and the "real reason" for their huge split.

ALL A SHAM: Or so books and tabloids would have you believe.

The heavily-sourced writer hones in on Jolie's "dark past," reporting "new details of her volatile relationship with and estrangement from her father Jon Voight.

Is that really news at this point? Does anyone care?

Angelina Jolie also battled suicidal impulses, heroin and sexual exploits on her way to becoming an Oscar-winning actress. Again, is this really book material?

Halperin will also introduce "the key figure behind the scenes who orchestrated her makeover into a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador." Anyone still awake?

At the present time, the author says Brangelina life is no fairy tale, and that a split may be coming - like, for real - before too long. Supposedly. Probably not.

"Jolie's personal lifestyle choices are not only affecting her growing family," a release says, "but causing serious and potentially irreparable tensions with Pitt."

In the past month or so, we've been told that Brad Pitt:

1. Is sleeping on the couch
2. Has been thrown out of the house
3. Is in a fake relationship with Angelina Jolie

All of which are probably 100 percent true, right?

Of course. So it only makes sense that Brad is now said to have held a - dun-dun-dun! - secret meeting with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during a trip to NYC.

According to the Daily Mail (UK), the pair, who ended a five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel for an hour, and Brad "unloaded emotional baggage."

Brad Pitt told Jen, who still bursts into tears yearning for him, all about his problems with Angelina Jolie, with whom he hooked up after walking out on her.

It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and their latest encounter marks their second private meeting this year!

Don't bet the farm on Brad and Jen getting back together, though.

A source added: "She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina," and that she was reluctant to meet with Brad Pitt at all.

Still, the magazine alleges Brad got his mother Jane - who is famously still close to Jen - to persuade her to meet with him and give him some advice.

It comes amid claims that his four-year relationship with Angelina - with whom he has six children - has hit the rocks. Or is over. Who the heck knows.

Aniston was apparently brutally honest with Brad, which took place the Friday before last, telling him he was being selfish and had to figure things out.

Later that day, Brad flew back home to France with son Maddox. Now how about that? Jen may be destined to die alone, but she gives good advice!

This concludes this week's false Brad-Jen gossip. Some recent highlights (our personal favorite being that someone got Jennifer Aniston pregnant):

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have a Little League team worth of kids at home.

They give to numerous charities.

And nary a named witness has said a word about any fights between the couple.

Yet, according to a supermarket tabloid, the pair cutely dubbed "Brangelina" has broken up. Pitt has even moved out, as this reliable publication screams on its cover:

Beware, Robert Pattinson: There's a good chance this tabloid will next claim Brad Pitt is making a move on Kristen Stewart!

Despite appearances - as well as all sanity and logic - to the contrary, life for Hollywood's hottest couple has never been worse, sources told In Touch Weekly.

“Sure, they look happy in photos,” a friend said. “ [But] the cracks in their relationship are getting deeper and deeper. They are actors and can turn it on for the cameras most of the time.

Hmmm, they are actors! Each has even been nominated for an Academy Award! This story is seeming more likely by the second.

Following an argument in April, an insider said Pitt stormed out of the couple's rented mansion in Long Island, New York: "He told her very clearly that he just can’t live with her anymore."

In response, Jolie has allegedly offered Pitt $90 million for custody of their kids. If we were Brad, we'd totally hold out for $91 million.

She's obviously gonna die alone.

She's even pregnant, according to some.

Now Jennifer Aniston is "bursting into tears" in her trailer while filming in New York after filming scenes that "remind her of Brad Pitt," a source said.

The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming The Bounty with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago, and an assistant who went to fetch Aniston told the New York Post that the star was in tears, pleading:

"I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me."

Jennifer Aniston pulled herself together and managed to smile when she eventually emerged. She really hides her heartache and desperation well.

Jen's neutral expression belies devastation. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

The on-set insider added, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still extremely fragile."

Since Bratt Pitt dumped her back in 2005, Aniston has been involved with Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor and John Mayer, and linked to Bradley Cooper, Aaron Eckhart and Butler. Nevertheless, she can't seem to shake the lonely-girl label.

"If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with life,' so be it," she told Elle, then complained she was misquoted.

Aniston's spokesman says the story about her crying in the trailer is "simply ridiculous ... it never happened." But why should we believe that, when we have sources with no names who don't even know her telling us otherwise? Huh?

First, Brad Pitt was merely sleeping on the couch.

Now, as reported in bold, yellow, capital letters on the cover below, HE ADMITS A SPLIT IS INEVITABLE!

Does Pitt ever say this? No. Is there any source on record that describes Angelina Jolie as "demanding," as she's labeled by the following supermarket tabloid? Of course not.

Is Jennifer Aniston - who still believes in love, people! - hoping the report of Brangelina's demise is accurate so she can win back her man? Probably.

Is a story about Jaycee Dugard, who was kidnapped for 18 years, less important than an imaginary tale about Pitt and Jolie's relationship? Yes, according to In Touch Weekly...

Meanwhile, in even less true tabloid news, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are apparently engaged. We hope they enjoy it.

No doubt we'll read a magazine cover next week that screams: Robsten Breaks Up, Kristen Stewart Demands Restraining Order.

Brad Pitt stars in the number-one movie in the country, Inglourious Basterds.

But it sounds like he's in the doghouse at home, if one of the top supermarket tabloids is to be believed.

According to the rarely reliable OK! Weekly, Pitt and Angelina Jolie jetted to France this week to work on their relationship. It's not going well so far.

“Brad has been adamant that Angie spend time with the family and focus on them with as much passion and energy as she does all her projects,” a source said, expounding on the issues at hand:

"Right after they got to France, Brad found a box of scripts that Angie had said she wanted to read. She and Brad got into a fight over it. Angie stormed out of the room and went into the bedroom.”

Brad Pitt has packed on a few pounds. In less headline-worthy news, according to this magazine, Ryan Jenkins murdered Jasmine Fiore.

The argument was reportedly kept away from Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara and the twins, as Pitt made like everything was okay with his kids.

“He played video games with the boys all night and made breakfast for the family in the morning, including fresh grapefruit juice for Angie,” said this insider, who appears to have incredible access to the family.

Hey, if things don't work out with Jolie, we hope Pitt remembers: Jennifer Aniston is seeking a famous guy to date!