Ashlee Simpson
Gossip

Earlier today, we documented just how terrible the poor, heartbroken Jessica Simpson is looking. We cried. We really did. No we didn't.

At least Jess can take solace in the fact that her younger, less talented and less hot sister, Ashlee Simpson, isn't looking much better.

The lip-synching plastic surgery junkie hoe is back home following a five-week stint in London's West End production of the musical Chicago, which she somehow was asked to be in. We're still trying to figure that one out.

She apparently wasted little time getting right back into the party scene Monday, chilling with Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz. Though she looks really bored and out of it. Memo to this Wentz guy: make your move. She's easy and unintelligent. Nick Carter would tell you as much.

Which is more of a celebrity trend: Adopting babies from third world countries (yes, we're looking at you, Madonna)?

Or complimenting your own cleavage?

For whatever reason, more and more actresses are going on record about the beauty of their breasts. Or just wearing outfits that thrust these puppies in your face (yes, we're looking at you, Victoria Beckham).

But listen to Lindsay Lohan talk about her boobs: "I like my breasts the way they are. I read that I had breast implants and that I'd had my lips done too, which is such bullshit ... I feel great. I like having a shape."

The Gossip was gonna take a poll of all the guys who have touched them, but sadly, there is other news to cover and we don't have that kind of time.

Maybe Rumer Willis can get on it for us.

The latest star to admire her own figure is Ashlee Simpson. Jessica's sister had the following to say recently:

"You have to laugh because people make up the goofiest things. My boobs are beautiful! I'm not getting them done. I'm 22, they're up and high."

Hey, we're with you, Ash. We have nothing against your boobs. In this area, those crazy Olsen twins don't stand a chance against you and your sister.

Be proud.

Hey, there's this new hot girl promoting Sketchers shoes. Oh, wait! That's Ashlee Simpson. Man, does T.H. Gossip miss the days when she was just the little sister and less talented version of Jessica Simpson. Those days are so long gone.

Sigh. Somehow, despite being as worthless as they come and bordering on Mischa Barton-like skinniness, Ashlee has somehow turned herself into a marketing mogul. Somebody beat us over the head with some Sketchers, please!

A lesson to all you young, impressionable girls out there: if you have major self-esteem issues, just go ahead and get a plastic surgeon to rearrange your face. Really, it'll do wonders for your social life -- you might even convince your daddy to buy you a music career (talking to you, Crazy Joe Simpson) and land a bunch of endorsement deals!

Ain't life grand?

We really do. There's just no denying it. So you can bet your D-cups that you're gonna hear about it when we come across a pair of pictures showcasing some sweet, singing sisters' significant, supple assets. They're both motorboat-worthy, but who wins the cleavage title among Joe Simpson's talentless, yet uber-famous spawn? You be the judge.

As you can see, Jessica Simpson's chest is ample. It has been for some time. When she burst on the music scene with her assortment of bad songs and revealing outfits back in the late 1990s, we were hooked immediately. Ah, it's like it was yesterday. Look at those headlights! Damn, that dick John Mayer is a lucky, lucky man.

But that's not to say that Ashlee Simpson, her little sister, hasn't come a long way in this field. She may not be able to sing even her own awful rock songs, or contribute anything to society, but you can bet your ass that she'll get the plastic surgery to set herself up with a killer body. See what you're missing, Braxton Olita? It's like she's teasing you!

It's been like a whole day since we talked about the sex life of Nick Carter. Sorry about that.

The latest twist is that Ashlee Simpson insists the former Backstreet Boy is lying about his bedding of her. And if you can't believe Ashlee - and her obvious lack of plastic surgery - who can you believe, people?

The story is pretty basic: Carter star recently told Page Six that - after he found out Paris Hilton cheated on him with actor, Chad Michael Murray - he went after some Simpson tail as a final act of revenge.

Who wouldn't?

Ashlee didn't see it that way, though.

"No! That is so random. When I heard that, I was dying laughing," she said.

Hmmm ... this is the second Simpson sexual rebuttal in a week. Earlier, Jessica Simpson denied a statement by Bam Margera that he had a private affair with the singer.

Crazy Joe Simpson must be concerned. Or psyched. After all, publicity about your daughters being skanks is stilll publicity.

With all the news surfacing about Nick Carter cheating on Paris Hilton with her, it's no wonder that we forgot to wish Ashlee Simpson a happy birthday yesterday. But that doesn't make it okay! We apologize for this terrible omission.

Without a doubt, Ashlee Simpson is one of our favorite celebrities. But once in a generation does a person come along who is so unintelligent, so annoying, so useless, so talentless, so utterly devoid of redeeming qualities.

An individual who can't even sing her own crappy, unoriginal pop songs, who can't go a week without a total makeover or even plastic surgery, and who is famous simply because of a hot sister, and a crazy father who bought her a music career.

She turned 22 yesterday. Happy birthday from all of us at the Gossip!

We know you were yearning to hear more about the sex life of Nick Carter. Especially when it involves juicy details such as this.

According to the reality show pimp and lame singer man himself, when Carter learned that Paris Hilton was cheating on him with Sophia Bush's fiancé, Chad Michael Murray, he reciprocated with a new bedmate.

He waited until his then-girlfriend jetted off to Australia and then hooked up with Ashlee Simpson.

"I'd fallen head over heels with this chick. Then, all of a sudden, three months go by and I got people telling me, 'Nick, you know what Paris is doing to you,' and I got a little upset," Carter said. "So then I just decided to fight back a little bit and started doing my own thing again.

The result is I hooked up with Ashlee Simpson. When Paris came back from Australia, they talked to each other and she found out about it."

Nick doesn't seem too remorseful. Or talented.

"So I brought it up to her and said, 'You know what I did, and now it's your turn. Why don't you tell me what you did.' And she goes, 'I never did anything! I never cheated on you.' I had kind of started to really like Ashlee and I was thinking about the dating stage, then before you know it, f--king b-tch-face comes back."

Ah yes, the pet name all of Paris' boyfriends refer to her as. Somewhere, Stavros Niarchos is smiling.

The former Backstreet Boys member told the New York Post he has no regrets, but still has a bitter taste in his mouth over how much Paris Hilton sucks.

"I got so burnt over that whole Paris [bleep] with all this swinging and switching. Whatever happened to morals and values?"

Good question, Nick. Maybe you and brother, Aaron Carter, can tell us on your new reality show, House of Carters.

The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Our current match-up features a pair of sisters... that's four celebs in all. You know these siblings well, and may harbor strong feelings towards them. Some of you may have even slept with one of them. Who are we to say? All we know is that when the gloves come off between the Olsen Twins and the spawn of Crazy Joe Simpson, you are gonna see some insane $h!t.

But enough with the hype. Here's Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vs. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson for all the marbles. Ding, Ding!

1. PARENTAL INFLUENCE

Mary-Kate / Ashley: The fraternal twins have been forced to appear in TV and films since infancy, and are probably f*%ked in the brain for life
Jessica / Ashlee: At least they had a somewhat normal childhood before fame turned their Dad into an insane person
Edge: Simpsons

2. CHEST SIZE

Mary-Kate / Ashley: Nothing to write home (or blogs) about
Jessica / Ashlee: Have you seen this Jessica Simpson picture? Ashlee isn't hurting in this department, either...
Edge: Simpsons

3. STYLE

Mary-Kate / Ashley: While both have become style icons, Mary-Kate dresses more chic, while Ashley is more conventionally stylish. Both are known for wearing flip-flops, as well as accessories such as large sunglasses
Jessica / Ashlee: Whatever she wears looks hot (Jessica); Changes look too often to be recognized (Ashlee)
Edge: Simpsons

4. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Mary-Kate / Ashley: Starred on Full House (1987-1995), along with more than a dozen movies; Youngest people ever to receive stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
Jessica / Ashlee: Six studio albums and more than 16,000,000 units sold between them; Various acting roles
Edge: Olsens

5. EATING DISORDERS

Mary-Kate / Ashley: May not have ingested food since 2002
Jessica / Ashlee: Ashlee has slimmed down, but not to that degree
Edge: Olsens

6. EX-BOYFRIENDS, HUSBANDS, RANDOM HOOKUPS

Mary-Kate / Ashley: Stavros Niarchos
Jessica / Ashlee: Nick Lachey, Braxton Olita, John Mayer, Bam Margera
Edge: Simpsons

7. FINANCIAL SITUATION

Mary-Kate / Ashley: Reported to be worth $150 million each; Named the "Most Powerful Young Women in Hollywood" by the Hollywood Reporter
Jessica / Ashlee: Very wealthy, but only making real money in the past five years or so... plus, Nick Lachey could take a lot of Jessica's dough!
Edge: Olsens

8. CONTROVERSIES & SCANDALS

Mary-Kate / Ashley: Eating disorders, drug abuse, acting like bitches to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
Jessica / Ashlee: Little talent, adultery, plastic surgery accusations, bogus sex tapes, lip-synching on TV
Edge: Even

9. MEMORABLE QUOTES

Mary-Kate / Ashley: "I want to go to culinary school because I love cooking. One day I'd love to open up a restaurant or cafe." -- Mary-Kate Olsen
Jessica / Ashlee: "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken of the Sea.'" -- Jessica Simpson
Edge: Simpsons

10. OVERALL HOTNESS

Mary-Kate / Ashley: Stay away!
Jessica / Ashlee: Any day!
Edge: Simpsons

THE VERDICT: Sorry, Mary-Kate and Ashlee. Jessica and Ashlee have ruled this duel and straight up bitch-slapped you with a commanding 6.5-3.5 victory. Go do some drugs and throw up today's lunch to make yourselves feel better.

Previously, we tested your Britney Spears knowledge. Most of you who took our quiz did quite well. Now, we're back with another THG Trivia Test. This time, we're focusing on the worthless but ever-present Ashlee Simpson. Give it your best shot, Gossipers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Ashlee's single "Boyfriend" was rumored to be about which starlet, whose beau she was accused of stealing?

A. Nicole Richie
B. Lindsay Lohan
C. Paris Hilton
D. Mischa Barton

2. How did Ashlee celebrate the release of her sophomore album, I Am Me?

A. Taking a $10,000 spa day
B. Getting tattooed
C. With a low-key day with her family
D. With a live performance in Times Square

3. What does Ashlee say is her best physical attribute?

A. Legs
B. Nose
C. Breasts
D. Teeth

4. Hoofing it in a musical like Chicago is no easy task. Where did Ashlee learn to dance?

A. Julliard
B. School of American Ballet
C. High School of the Performing Arts
D. As a backup dancer for big sis Jessica Simpson

5. Where did the Simpson family ring in Ashlee's 21st birthday last October?

A. Saint-Tropez
B. Cabo San Lucas
C. Paris
D. Las Vegas

6. What did Ashlee ultimately blame her SNL lip-syncing debacle on?

A. Crazy Joe Simpson
B. Braxton Olita
C. Acid reflux
D. A computer glitch

How'd you do? We got them all correct â€" but then again, we're T.H. Gossip. And we came up with the quiz. So it's not that impressive.

Answers: 1) B; 2) B; 3) C; 4) B; 5) D; 6) C.

The humble abode that Jessica Simpson and younger sister Ashlee Simpson used to call home is officially on the market.

Located in the heart of Dallas, Texas, the home is currently going for a reasonable $200,000. With home loan rates on the decline, and Texas real estate representing some of the best investment opportunities in the U.S., you'd be a fool to pass on this gem!

Except for the fact that it's in Dallas, which sucks royally. Everyone who's from there knows it, too.

The Simpsons lived there until 1998, when friends of the family bought it. According to sources familiar with the house in the city's Richardson Heights neighborhood, the sellers are not looking to hawk it to Simpson fanatics. Sorry, dudes. You'll have to continue getting your sick fix by digging through their garbage.

"When the listing first went up, the Jessica Simpson lineage was used to sell the home, but it was attracting the wrong sort of buyers," an agent said. "Media attention and 'looky loo' traffic was causing quite a stir for the sellers."

The house has five bedrooms, one of which surely used to hold a number of framed Jessica Simpson pictures. It is being shopped as a home with an "enjoyable backyard with huge diving pool, landscaping and decking." The listing even boasts of "having recent upgrading [sic]."

The buyer will have the option of sending their kids to Pearce High School, the same place where Jessica roamed the halls during her teenage years (no doubt wearing some really tight shirts, resulting in many an adolescent fantasy).

That's also the place where Ashlee once shattered glass with her awful singing voice, which drove her classmates crazy, and drove her crazy Dad to axe in favor of professional lip-synching once he purchased her a music career.

Skank.