Below are some enlightening highlights from the world of celebrity quotes, courtesy of People magazine and other Hollywood news sources…

“Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can’t get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the States.” - Jessica Alba

“To me, Botox is no more unusual than toothpaste. It works. You do it once a year. Who cares?” - Simon Cowell

“I hope Santa Claus rapes your f%*king mothers.” - American Idol reject Danny Noriega, in a special holiday video tape that surfaced this week

“I actually texted her. It was really sad. She must be going through a hard time.” - Audrina Patridge on the death of Heidi Montag’s stepbrother

“Models are back to what they were in the ’70s: clothes hangers.” - New America’s Next Top Model judge Paulina Porizkova

“I’m so happy. I can’t ask for anything more … except big boobs.” - Nicole Kidman on pregnancy

“I love everything she does. If she does a poop and I have to change the diaper, I love that!” - Salma Hayek, on her daughter with Francois Henri-Pinault

“I like Britney. Today, first we were dancing slow, and then faster and faster … Then we did the fish-move and lots of other fun things.” - an impressionable 5-year-old after taking a dance class with Britney Spears

“It’s just rumors, man.” - Adnan Ghalib on reports that he has been cheating on Britney Spears and sending sordid text messages to other girls

Credit goes to People magazine for this terrific collection of celebrity quotes from the past week. As you can see, many topics are covered …

“Angelina Jolie couldn’t be here - it’s hard to find 17 babysitters on Oscar night.”
- Host Jon Stewart

“Clothes!”
- Johnny Depp, on what he was wearing to the Oscars

“It’s fun trying to get pregnant.”
- Gwen Stefani

“I don’t know a lot about balls.”
- Ellen DeGeneres, to Heidi Klum, during a cooking segment on her show

Like Zac Efron, neither of these couples is actually gay… or are they?

“You had to be painting toes and blow-drying hair.”
- Ben Affleck, on teaming up with Jimmy Kimmel to spoof Sarah Silverman’s video with Matt Damon

“You know when you go around to your aunty’s and the little chihuahua gets on your leg because they think it’s something else? That’s my relationship with Ryan. It’s like: Off!”
- Simon Cowell, on how he gets along with American Idol co-star (and celebrity gossip presidential primary candidate / partner) Ryan Seacrest

“My cheeks hurt, I’m so happy.”
- Drew Barrymore, on beau Justin Long

“I like Barack. He’s like a great boyfriend. He’s a great talker. You wake up the next morning and you go: ‘I don’t know how I took my clothes off.’”
- Sherri Shepherd, on Barack Obama

“It’s double the love, and it’s also double the crying and the screaming.”
- Diddy, father of twins, giving advice to Jennifer Lopez

Forget Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Mike Huckabee.

While these political stars each have their positive attributes, none are worthy of the sought-after title of Celebrity Gossip President.

Okay, so we just made that title up 45 minutes ago. But we felt that in an exciting presidential election year, The Hollywood Gossip should hold its own race - and YOU, our readers, should get to vote on the winner!

Step #1? A PRIMARY featuring seven exciting President-VP tickets from the world of celebrity gossip. Your votes will help narrow the field to three by May 1, leading to a special run-off election among the top vote-getters.

You can VOTE HERE now, with the ballot also appearing on the right-hand side of The Hollywood Gossip’s home page until May 1.

Now, we present you with the candidates for Celebrity Gossip President and Vice President, along with the respective parties nominating them …

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
(Reality TV Party)
Phony, plastic, master manipulators and attention-seeking media whores who are obsessed with fame. It’s like The Hills couple was destined to go into politics.

Kim Kardashian and Ray J
(Celebrity Sex Tape Party)
Upside: Not-so-secret videotaping of all U.S. citizens is sure to improve our national security; Downside: Budgetary concerns due to new White House furniture needing to be made to accommodate Kim’s giant ass.

Donald Trump and Vince McMahon
(Bad Hair-Megalomaniac Party)
If a Trump-McMahon team fails, it certainly won’t be due to lack of funds. Or shameless, self-promoting publicity stunts. Or huge grapefruits.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens
(Super-Cute Celeb Couple Party)
Zanessa promises nude photos and perfect hair for all!

Suri Cruise and Jayden James Federline
(Celebrity Baby Party)
Upside: Very cute, little political baggage offers fresh start. Downside: Inexperience, possible brainwashing (Suri) and malnutrition (Jayden).

Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi
(Seedy Britney Spears Hanger-On Party)
Should either be apprehended as part of a sleeper cell before the November election, Alli Sims will take his place on the ticket.

Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest
(American Idol Party)
A Simon-Ryan ticket will be full of witty barbs, low-brow insults and palpable, homoerotic tension. At least Paula won’t be part of it.

That’s it! Cast your vote for your favorite candidates in our Celebrity Gossip Presidential Primary by voting on our home page or by clicking HERE!

Katharine McPhee may be happy with her marriage to Nick Cokas.

But the former American Idol runner-up can’t be thrilled with the performance of her self-titled debut album, which sold roughly 366,000 since it was released last February. Meanwhile, Simon Cowell simply isn’t thrilled with McPhee herself.

“Didn’t care much about Katharine McPhee,” Cowell told Extra Thursday. “I don’t think she was a credible recording artist. Katharine will end up on Broadway!”

Simon went on to to reject the notion that American Idol has given seventh-season Hollywood tickets to several contestants who previously had recording contracts - such as Kristy Lee Cook and Carly Smithson - as part of a conspiracy to insure that the show’s next winner is a chart-topping success.

“Oh, give me a break!” Cowell sad. “Regardless of whether or not you got a recording contract, they’ve all failed, which is why they turn up on American Idol.”

Forget Kady Malloy, Colton Swon and the excitement over the new crop of American Idol contestants.

Here’s far bigger Idol news (courtesy of a clip from season two we just dug up again): Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell had an affair! Kind of!

Take a look:

For those that haven’t watched commercials in six months (thanks, DVR!), American Idol premieres tomorrow night.

But will its seventh season be an improvement over a lackluster sixth? Even Simon Cowell admitted that the reality competition needs a kick in the voice box this year.

“I think last year just wasn’t one of our better seasons,” he recently said to Variety. “The show has got to look better. It’s got to be more fun.”

According to sources, American Idol producers are expected to give more air-time to competitors and their families this season, a solid move considering how Idol alumni have faced mixed fortunes lately.

A handful — such as Kelly Clarkson, Chris Daughtry, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson — have thrived; but others such as Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard and Katharine McPhee have actually been dropped by their record labels.

Still, Cowell remains upbeat about keeping American Idol in tune.

“[It’s] got a better cast this [season],” he said, adding that contestant-wise, “I will go on record as saying this is one of the strongest years we’ve had.”

Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are ready for another season of American Idol. They’re also prepared for another few months of trading verbal barbs.

Before mocking his fellow judge, however, Cowell first opened up to TV Guide about the crop of talent last season, saying it “just wasn’t good enough.”

It’s hard to argue with that assessment when the debut albums from finalists Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis fared so poorly.

Abdul even agreed with her supposed rival for a change, adding: “I don’t remember hardly anyone [from] last year.”

From there, though, Paula morphed back into her oddball self, describing the dynamic on the show, as, well, this:

“I’m the nurturing mom who breast-feeds these kids; Simon’s the disapproving dad. They come off the nipple and never say, ‘Thank you.’ They go, ‘Daddy, please pat me on the back.’”

But Cowell summed up his partner well - and got us excited for this season of American Idol - by simply saying:

“Paula’s possibly more out of touch than she’s ever been in her life.”

Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell might as well come out as a couple at this point. They fight like a married pair.

You get the feeling that the insults are less serious than celebrity gossip that Britney Spears will actually be joining Cowell as an American Idol judge.

During a recent press junket to promote the launch of E! News in Canada, Seacrest acknowledged that Idol’s ratings, while still atop the Nielsen Ratings, had slipped last season - and jokingly blamed Simon for the significant slump.

“Well, the knee-jerk reaction would be Simon,” Seacrest said. “Clearly there’s an over-saturation of his character.”

Seacrest’s ribbing was nothing if not good-natured, of course. And the host who crowned Jordin Sparks as this year’s champion dialed up his British pal on his radio show yesterday.

“Everything good goes to you,” Seacrest told his English friend, endangering the chances that Simon would introduce him to hot countrywomen Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh. “If there’s any hiccup along the way, we are obligated to blame you. You want the credit, you get the blame.”

“When I’m allowed more airtime,” Cowell countered, “we get 34 million viewers. When I say nothing and you’re talking, we get 12 million less.”

“There’s a little bit of an ego getting out of control with you,” Seacrest shot back. Cowell’s solution to drive ratings for season seven? “Let us talk more. When I say us, I mean me.”

And so it went, two buddies joking like Paul Sculfor and Victoria Beckham re-living the past.

In the end, Seacrest, who recently performed a widely praised comedic cameo in the film Knocked Up, offered the final straw. “I know you’re upset they didn’t ask you to be in Knocked Up,” he told the judge. “It’s okay that [director] Judd Apatow didn’t call you. You can’t be everywhere all the time. You’re one old man!”

If you celebrity gossip readers thought Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack had a monopoly on Brittany-Simon news this week, well, you were wrong.

Never has Simon Cowell been one to shy away from speaking his mind, even when it comes to pressing pop cultural matters beyond American Idol.

The sometimes-surly, always dead-on Brit is offering up some career advice for Britney Spears, telling the pop star to “go home to your family.”

In an interview with Good Morning America Thursday, Cowell said that Britney Spears is capable of saving her free-falling career because she’s “still one of the most talked about pop stars on the planet.”

“She has the X-factor because people want to write about her,” Simon Cowell said. “She’s not conventional, she’s not normal.”

No kidding.

At the same time, Cowell says Britney clearly “can’t handle the tension and the pressure” that comes from being in the spotlight so she needs to take some time refocus herself at home.

“Lock the door, don’t go out with your stupid friends, have some home-cooked food, get back your sense of reality,” he says.

“Go lie in the garden, okay? And then say to yourself, ‘There’s more good in my life than bad. I’m still a rich, talented girl - now I want to get my career on track.’ End of story.”

Amen to that.

But the interview wasn’t all about Jayden James‘ crazy mama. Simon Cowell also revealed why he believes Jordin Sparks is the new American Idol.

“Jordin Sparks was the most improved over the whole season,” he says. “She didn’t start the best but midway through, this was the girl who suddenly got momentum.”

Still, Cowell feels that Sparks wasn’t necessarily the one who deserved the title. “Melinda Doolittle should have won,” Cowell said. “She tried the hardest, was consistently the best and had the best voice.”

But Cowell’s praise doesn’t always have the intended effect and he knows it.

“I think about it now… whether I should have endorsed her as much as [I did],” he says. “I think it was the right thing to do.”

Before American Idol fans hear the soothing voices of Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks tonight, let’s listen to the cranky judge everyone loves to hate.

What does Simon Cowell have to say about this week’s season finale, along with the futures of various past and present Idols?

On Finale Predictions
“I think they will both chose their favorite song from what they’ve done over the past 11 weeks – and I’m hoping [Blake Lewis] will do the Bon Jovi song because I thought it was his best performance. And I don’t know what Jordin will do.”

On Fighting with Ryan Seacrest
“It’s rather like having a silly little dog who wants to jump up on your lap and you just swat the dog off. Occasionally in a very stern voice you have to say ‘no.’ And that’s how I deal with Ryan.”

On Melinda’s Next Stop
“I don’t think she should try and compete with too many of the R&B artists out there at the moment. I think she’s more of a throwback to people like Gladys Knight and Tina Turner. And I think [Melinda Doolittle] should play to her strengths.”

On Contestants Talking Back
“I encourage it. I don’t think they do it enough because I think they all think they’re going to be voted off if they’re rude to me. I think it’s the opposite. I think the more rude they are to me, the more votes they’ll get. I think off camera they’re going completely nuts complaining about me. Then on camera they’re just smiling and I don’t understand that. I think it should be two-way. If I’m rude to them, they’re more than entitled to be rude to me back.”

On Sanjaya Malakar Fever
“I would never want to be in a situation where we cast the 12 as just normal people because I think it would be boring. The panel is wacky enough and therefore I think the contestants should be a bit strange as well. And I thought the whole Sanjaya Malakar thing was hysterical. I’m happy now because he’s out. I don’t think I’d be happy if he was in the finals, so I can now be quite smug about it.”

On Kelly Clarkson’s New Record
Kelly Clarkson is not an artist who’s in it for the money. She has a lot of integrity and this is a record she wanted to make. And I admire her for that. … It’s not as commercial as her last record, but any Kelly Clarkson record at the moment is a pretty good record compared to the competition because she’s an incredible artist.