Nosy Neighbor

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It's "Salon, Farewell" as The Real Housewives of New Jersey wrap up their season as everyone gathers at the salon. We recap the fighting and scary faces in our THG + or - review.

And what kind of finale would it be without Kim D's scowling face?

What's So Scary?

Apparently the woman who resembles the crypt keeper scares Joe and Teresa Giudice too? Plus 20.

But it's Penny and Teresa who go at it first. Since Penny is claiming Teresa texts her, Teresa wants to see the texts. Plus 12 because for once Teresa makes a perfectly reasonable request. 

Unfortunately Penny tells her, "I don't save my texteses." Or was that I don't save Texas? Minus 18. My Jersey Housewives translator must be on the fritz.

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Half of the The Real Housewives of Miami are off to "La la Land" this week, while the other half stay to deal with the crazy people of Miami.

The funny part is, they don't realize that they are the crazy people of Miami. But in any case, we break it all down in THG's +/- recap.

Let's start with the LA contingent…

Housewives in LaLa Land

Lea Black and Lisa Hochstein head to L.A. with Joanna Krupa to help plan her wedding.

Why Los Angeles? Because Joanna's favorite house is there. Oh, did we forget to mention, she's got five homes scattered around the globe. Plus 15.

Modeling certainly pays the bills…and then some.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back for another episode and "Hair We Go Again" with the bad hair and worse singing.

We break down the need for a better hair weave and the purple pimp hat in our THG +/- review.

There were so many things that were just bad in this episode, like this outfit of Teresa's...

What Is She Wearing?

I'm not sure we'll have space to share them all. But let's try.

We'll start off with Melissa Gorga. No, her hair is good. It's her singing that needs work. Lots of work. Minus 15 because listening to her vocal exercises was just downright painful.

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The Real Housewives of Miami gave us a "A Ple-Thora of Lies" the normal drama and just a touch of common sense. We break it all down in our THG +/- review.

The Most Patient Housewife

Lisa Hochstein has become my favorite housewife. She's funny, says what she thinks without being rude and doesn't pretend to be someone she's not.

And Plus 50 for bringing a bit of much needed common sense. That's darn hard to find among The Real Housewives of Miami ... or anywhere.

One again Lisa had to deal with another "fabulous visit" from her in-laws and was it just me or was Marina's voice the equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard? Minus 20.

If the trip to the Russian deli was awkward, dinner was somewhere between painful and cathartic.

I loved it when Marina complained that Lisa doesn't return her calls and Lisa responded by admitting she doesn't believe Marina likes her. Plus 15 for the honesty.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey returns and "The Blonde Drops a Bombshell"…or did she? We break down the rumors and ridiculous set ups in THG's +/- recap!

The Biggest Tongue

The Housewives once again gave us bad singing and even worse fake meetings. It was hard to figure out which was more cringe worthy.

Let's start with Melissa Gorga's singing talent. Minus 50. Please God, I beg you, make all Housewives end their supposed musical careers.

Seriously. It's nothing but painful for both the audience and the professionals that Bravo pays to come in and critique them.

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The Real Housewives of Miami are "A Cause for Concern" as the sequined Cuban mafia snubs a children's charity. We run down the bitching and bullying in THG's +/- review.

A Girl's Best Friend

It's the war of the divas in Miami as Lea Black prepares for her annual charity gala. Too bad the Cuban mafia has it out for her.

Marysol, Ana, Lauren and Adriana all decide to ditch the event to watch gay polo. Minus 18.

What are the odds they at least sent a check to support the charity? Probably not very good.

Lea's counting on Alexia and Herman coming to the event. They said they would. As Lea says, she loves Herman. He "always has a drink too many and spends a dollar too much."

Plus 25. That's a fundraisers dream guest.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey came up with "Zen Things I Hate About You." Just how long will this retreat last? We recap the zen and broken glass in our THG +/- review.

Melissa's Birthday Surprise

How long has this group been in Arizona?

Honestly, if I had paid big bucks to stay at this spa and had to put up with Richie and the double Joes by the pool I'd be pretty ticked off. Minus 15.

But that's nothing compared to watching Joe Gorga suck on his wife's toes for her birthday.

Minus 30. I'm not sure which was more disturbing, that or having Teresa Giudice give Melissa Gorga black lace peace sign panties for her birthday.

I doubt any amount of meditation will wipe that from my mind.

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the Real Housewives of Miami performed some old "Black Magic" this week but it still wasn't enough to keep me from yawning through this episode.

We'll recap the marriage spin and boring sex in our THG +/- review.

The Happy Couple

A couple of weeks ago Romain bought Joanna a car. Now he's bought her a house. He obviously wants to get married…but not have sex?

Minus 17. Is anyone else confused? Romain and Joanna haven't had sex in six weeks and that's OK with him. Seriously? He even turns our down for a quickie in their new home.  

So what's the deal. Is he gay? Too tired from his mistress to want his fiancee?

Is he just not that into her? Or is he truly the romantic he claims to be and likes to take his time? Even if that's true, six weeks is a bit much, don't you think?

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Leave it to The Real Housewives of New Jersey to turn a "Horse Whisper to a Scream." 

Read on as we break down who among the women embraced their vulnerable side and who ended up looking like a horse's a$$ in THG's official +/- recap!

Not the Horse Whisperer

Jersey is still in the house at the Mirval Resort and Spa and it may never be the same again.

But psychic advisors and gong therapy aren't what Melissa envisioned for her birthday.  "I'm done. I want a f**king cocktail by the pool in a bikini." Plus 15. No one can say she's not a girl who knows what she want.

Everyone's still recovering from the ghost whisperer when they all head out to see a horse whisperer.  Funny thing is, Wyatt the equine therapist reads these Jersey housewives and their hubbies like the comic book characters they are. Plus 22.

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The Real Housewives of Miami was "Booby-Trapped" as one peacemaker tried for Kumbaya but failed miserably.

We recap all the drama, including whose sauce needs some added spice, in THG's +/- review.

No Chicken Cutlets

We picked up right where we left off as Adriana DeMoura Sidi stormed out of Lea Black's home yelling, "I'm done with your Draconian antics."

Plus 13. The line was so good it would have been a shame to let it die with last week's episode.

Joanna Krupa and Romain headed to a tennis match and talk about a crowd. Was there anyone else even there with them. No wonder Romain was afraid the players would hear them talking.

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