Hilton Hater

Hilton Hater

I am a senior staff writer at THG and a big fan of Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson. I believe Kim Kardashian is bad for society, but great for attention, and that The Real Housewives should all be banned from existence.

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Lindsay Lohan is a girl almost always going wild.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise that the man rumored to be getting an up close and personal view of the world's most famous firecrotch is Joe Francis.

Broke and Likely Drunk

He's the creator of Girls Gone Wild.

According to The New York Post, Francis was actually by Lindsay's side during her appendectomy and hit up the Golden Globe party circuit with her last night.

This should be one development Jack Bauer is not surprised at.

The pairing of Lohan and Francis seems almost too perfect, with the latter a boob connossieur and the former a major boob.

We can't wait until this new couple hits the town with Britney Spears and Isaac Cohen.

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After being locked in a Chinese prison for 20 months, Jack Bauer had to reflect.

The star of 24 and America's only hope against a growing terrorist threat could wait a few minutes before he shaved and saved the world. First, he had to process a slew of surprising celebrity facts.

Yes, Jack, the thin, boring character portrayed by Mischa Barton is truly gone from The OC. Here are some other tidbits you missed:

  • Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have broken up. She may have slept with Bam Margera, he's definitely doing Vanessa Minnillo. Her dad is still nuts.
  • Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. She still can't sing.
  • Keeley Hazell made a sex tape. So did Dustin Diamond. You probably wish we hadn't told you about that second one, huh?
  • Beauty queens acted like young, single, gorgeous women that were provided with fame and free vacations. Take your time looking through Katie Rees photos. We certainly did.
  • Nerds everywhere had to buy new pants at the thought of Tricia Helfer nude.

It's a lot to digest, we know. But some things haven't changed. Nicole Richie hasn't had a bite to eat since you were captured.

And you made it back just in time for new seasons of The Hills and American Idol.

So welcome back, Jack. It's been a long time. Grab yourself a torturing device, rescue the world from devastation and let's mock Brooke Hogan together. Just like old times.

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This is beginning to be as commonplace as a Pete Doherty arrest:

Another beauty queen has lost her crown. No, this one didn't snort cocaine and kiss younger women, like Tara Conner.

She also didn't strip down and get dirty every time someone pulled out a camera, like Katie Rees.

Instead, Ashley Harder made the post-pageant blunder of getting knocked up. Due to her preggers status, the 20-year old is now the former Miss New Jersey, per contest rules.

Harder has voluntarily stepped down, avoiding any awkward, mocked press conferences. She was crowned in October and is expecting her first child in late summer.

As for Donald Trump, a rep tells TMZ that he wishes the now former Miss New Jersey well.

But just to review - for those wishing NOT to lose their beauty queen crowns - here's what you should avoid:

  • Cocaine
  • Simulated oral sex photos
  • Unprotected, pre-marital sex

Good luck!

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Those that wish to see Lindsay Lohan nude don't need to offer her a cheap beer and a spot in the backseat of their car.

As you can tell from the picture below, you can just look at the alcoholic actress in a blouse.

Sober Living

Sporting the sort of attire that fellow crotch shot queens, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, would be proud of, Lohan recently went out on the town. We're not sure if she partied with any strippers this time around, though.

We are sure, however, that Kristin Cavallari probably hopes someone gave her that top for her recent birthday.

There are also rumors that Victoria Beckham was interested in the same outfit. But even her husband's new soccer contract couldn't afford the amount of material needed to cover her boobs.

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Keeley Hazell is a British model who has a role in the movie, Cashback.

The part she plays? "Naked girl."

Keeley Hazell 2009 Calendar

So it doesn't exactly come as a shock that this 20-year old vixen stars in the latest celebrity sex tape.

The only real shocker here?

That Dustin Diamond wasn't prominently involved.

From what The Hollywood Gossip can gather, neither was sex tape purveyor, David Hans Schmidt.

He probably wishses he were, however, as Hazell is popular in Britain and - after Americans get a glimpse of her talents in this video - will soon be in the States, as well.

As popular as a Britney Spears sex tape? Of course not.

But that's a standard not even Keeley Hazell can live up to.

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Name your price.

That's basically the message Anna Nicole Smith has been sending to tabloids across the country, says a source, as she exploits her daughter's cuteness for financial gain.

Birkhead, Baby!

"After she sold footage and photos of the birth to a TV show, she starting seeing that child as a cash cow," says the insider of Anna and Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

"Howard K. Stern [Smith's lawyer and the man whom she claims is the father of the baby] takes the pictures and they sell them to the highest bidder."

Well, sure. Those millions Stern received from marrying an old, rich dude a few yeasrs ago can only go so far. Kind of like her lies about Dannielynn's actual father.

A paternity test has been mandated by January 23 for the menace. By that date, the real baby's daddy, Larry Birkhead, should be revealed. Until then, he's speaking out against his greedy former partner.

"I'm outraged that they're trying to pimp my daughter," Birkhead said. "If Anna wants to sell pictures of herself, that's one thing, but to conveniently put my daughter in every single photo to up the ante is sick and disgusting."

The Hollywood Gossip agrees, but wonders: Who would ever buy Anna Nicole Smith pictures?

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Zach Braff may have launched his career on the silly sitcom, Scrubs, but the actor says in real life, he resembles the depressed character he played in Garden State.

"I think I suffer from some mild depression," he told Parade magazine. "So to have millions of people go, 'I watched your movie and related' was the ultimate affirmation that I'm not a freak."

Zach Braff Pic

That is always comforting to know. But the same can't necesarily be said of his ex, Mandy Moore.

For some odd reason, the cute actress has been seen out on the town with Adam "DJ A.M." Goldstein.

"We were together for a while, and that is the only true thing that has ever been written about my romantic life," Braff joked.

Nominated for a Golden Globe for best actor in a comedy series for Scrubs, Braff says he has yet to decide whether or not the beloved series will continue, but does feel "optimistic that there will be a seventh season."

In the meantime, he is readying another film, Fast Track, with Amanda Peet, a romantic comedy due out in March about a family man who is saddled with a bad job.

"At my age, those are the things you are always talking about," Braff said, explaining that the comedy has real-life implications. "If I'm going to have kids, how will that change things? I like to think that all of the introspection leads to something really funny."

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Katie Rees is multi-tasking.

The former Miss Nevada is hosting a female orgasm contest in Las Vegas.

She's also posing non-nude for some photos.

Now, reportedly, Rees will be crowned Miss JET Las Vegas.

"I'm really excited about the party at JET. I haven't been able to go out and spend time with my friends at all since the ordeal. It will be a relief from all the stress," she said.

You mean these friends, Katie?

The "coronation" is being billed as "Hail to the Queen," and her majesty will be crowned on Monday, January 29 at JET nightclub at The Mirage.

We heard Isaac Cohen may be the jestor.

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The following pairing is as natural as Lauren Conrad and Rodeo Drive.

The most famous, ousted, occasionally lesbian Miss Nevada of all-time, Katie Rees, has been hired to host Beacher's Madhouse at The Joint in the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino.

What does that entail, you ask? We're quite glad you asked.

Rees, dethroned after sexy photos of her and some female friends emerged on the Internet, will co-host the opening night on March 31 alongside Pete Giovine and Jeff Beacher, recently named "Best Showman on the Strip" by Rolling Stone.

"Miss Nevada is going to push the envelope, even for Beacher's Madhouse," Beacher told TMZ.(No, not the new Miss Nevada, Helen Salas; the fired one.)

Rees will be hosting a female orgasm contest during the opening of the show. Yes, you read that correctly. And, yes, we assume Paris Hilton would win if she entered.

The night also promises "half-naked girls, midgets, and monkeys." Sounds like fun. Maybe Tara Conner actually wishes she weren't given a second chance now.

We doubt they have orgasm contests in rehab.

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Cue the Rocky music.

Lindsay Lohan is making a run for it.

Lindsay Lohan, Blue Blazer

We just hope Ms. Firecrotch is setting off on foot in an attempt to fight off impending liver problems, not run away from them.

Perhaps she's simply sprinting to newsstands to pick up the latest Katie Rees photo spread.

Or maybe Lindsay has come to her senses and is making a mad dash for Kevin Federline in the hope that it isn't too late.

No matter what, she should probably put down the cigarette as she goes. Those things will kill you.

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