Hilton Hater

Hilton Hater

I am a senior staff writer at THG and a big fan of Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson. I believe Kim Kardashian is bad for society, but great for attention, and that The Real Housewives should all be banned from existence.

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Lindsay Lohan wants help.

For what? That's unclear. From who? That may surprise you.

Lohan Perp Walk

In a rambling email she sent to friends and lawyers, the freckled Firecrotch queen said: "Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton ... would be willing [to help], if we just ask. If we just ASK."

Got that, people? You just need to ASK the former president and his wife if you need assistance with any of the following:

What's more, Lohan claimed another Clinton-era crony wants to lend a hand:

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me."

She also mentions one "LR" whom she intends to take to court for "what she's done to me." We can't imagine who Lindsay is referring to - or what the heck she is talking about at any point here.

But we somehow doubt this mystery individual is Leah Remini or LeAnn Rimes. Don't worry, though, we're on the case!

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In case you haven't heard, Britney Spears has received a lot of flack for flashing her naked nether regions for the cameras last week.

Amy Poehler spoke for most of mankind when she told Brit put some gruff back on that muff. If she does, however, it won't helpthe business of Cindy Barshop very much.

Dirtiness

Barshop owns Completely Bare Salon. Like every other male you pass on the street, she's gotten a very up close and personal look at the private parts of Paris Hilton. With that in mind, Us Weekly actually interviewed the waxer.

Us: Do either Paris or Britney come in for bikini waxes with you?
CB: Paris is a customer of ours. I haven't done Britney, but we do see Paris for bikini waxes.

Us: So what is the hot trend in bikini waxing now?
CB: The Brazilian bikini wax was hot about 5 years ago, but for the past 3 years, the completely bare has been the big celeb trend in bikini waxes.

Us: What's the difference between a Brazilian wax and a completely bare?
CB: Completely bare takes everything off. The Brazilian usually leaves a square and oblong shaped patch of hair.

Us: So I know you've heard about Britney flashing her naked hair-free private parts to the photographers. Why do you think people are moving towards a completely bare wax?
CB: I feel that if you do a completely bare wax, you feel cleaner, more comfortable and more groomed…it seems a little sexier.

THG NOTE: And a whole lot slutteier!

Us: So why do you think celebrities are skipping the underwear and going commando?
CB: I think that with the completely bare waxing, they just feel comfortable enough with their bodies that they can skip the underwear. And oops if they do happen to flash someone, it's not as embarrassing because the area is groomed.

That's like saying oops, Beyonce called Jennifer Hudson fat. We're sure that was as accidental as Paris and Britney strutting every inch of their skanky stuff.

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We can't say we support any supposedly juicy memoir from random celebrities. What could Tori Spelling possibly have to say that we'd pay to read about?

At least John Leguizamo is aware of how uninteresting his actual career has been. Therefore, the actor has included some fun, sordid tidbits in his upcoming book, Pimps, Hos, Players, Haters and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends.

The attention-seeking C-lister talks badly about co-stars such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kevin Costner, and Steven Seagal, says he had a slap fight with Patrick Swayze while in drag, and that he may have been a party to a Leonardo DiCaprio sex tape.

A couple of the anecdotes published online include:

On his escapades with DiCaprio while filming Romeo & Juliet in Mexico: "We would have parties, just the guys playing poker and talking shit, while strippers danced on a table. And there were some adventures with the hookers that were videotaped, two on one, voyeurism, all that. Thank God for certain people's careers those tapes have been erased." [...]

Lusting after Ellen Barkin while making The Fan: "That bent nose, that twisted face. She looks like whoever was sculpting her had a seizure toward the end. All you think about is doggy style when you're with her. She tried to steal my lines but I didn't care because she's so hot."

Well ... alrighty then. We won't dare ask Leguizamo his take on Anna Nicole Smith in that case.

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As far as boob jobs go, Tara Reid isn't too excited about hers.

Scarlett Johansson won't be getting one any time soon.

Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight

And Adrianne Curry is happy to discuss her procedure.

The former America's Top Model champ, now married to Brady Bunch actor, Christopher Knight, had surgery to fix breasts that were different sizes - and writes about the event in detail for the upcoming issue of Us Weekly.

"When I woke up, I was screaming in pain and they shot me up with morphine," she writes. "Later I was prescribed Percocet and Valium, but I think because I was addicted to cocaine and heroin as a teenager, they didn't really affect me."

Pete Doherty can relate to that part of the experience.

Despite the pain, Curry says she was happy with the plastic surgey because "it's amazing to look down and think, ‘Oh God. I don't have deformed boobs anymore!'"

That must be a relief. Too bad for Lindsay Lohan there isn't a procedure to do away with a deformed personality.

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We have to talk about Paris Hilton's pussy one more time. Namely, what the disgusting diva wants to come out of there some day.

Gripping Paris Hilton

Kids. And lots of them.

The hotel heiress that loves to have sex with guys actually wants four kids by the time she's 30. She's currently 25. So Paris would have to follow the baby-making pace of new pal, Britney Spears, in order to reach this goal.

But she can do it! Are you ready to begin, Stavros Niarchos? After all, Hilton will make a great mom, she says, because: "I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids."

Like fleas?

Reportedly, looking after kiddies has become so appealing to Hilton that she recently cut short a night out with Spears in order to chill with Sean Preston and Jayden James.

"We're going home to the babies. We miss them," Paris said at the time.

And Jayden James hasn't been seen since.

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Stop us if you've heard this one before: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up.

After more than a year together, the couple has finally parted ways for good.

Lonely Girl

"After Jennifer's trip to London several weeks ago, Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today," reps Stephen Huvane and John Pisani told People magazine.

The statement ends weeks of speculation that Aniston and Vaughn's relationship has been cooling off. But it doesn't end the issue of whether or not they broke up due to a disagreement about being called Vaughniston or Vinnifer.

Vaughn has been filming Fred Claus in London since late September, while Aniston has been busy working in Los Angeles and New York.

The couple began dating in the summer of 2005 while working on The Break-Up in Chicago. Perhaps that title should've been an omen. We just hope it remains amiable and Vaughn doesn't go all Beyonce on us.

Because Jennifer Aniston is not fat.

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The name of the movie may be Dreamgirls - but recent rumors make it seem like a more apt title would be Jealousgirls.

But Beyoncé Knowles is trying as hard as she can to squash talk that she was jealous of her co-star throughout shooting.

Beyonce, Jay-Z Photo

"I knew that the character that I played wasn't the star," Knowles told reporters on Saturday about her Diana Ross-esque role of Deena Jones, compared to the juicier part of Effie White, portrayed by Jennifer Hudson. "She wasn't the underdog. She didn't have the struggle and the pain and the dramatic scenes that Effie had, and I was fine with that."

But Beyonce just wanted to prove herself as an actress. After all, she's already dominated the music world. As she's not afraid to tell everyone.

"I'm already a star. I already have nine Grammys. Everyone knows I can sing," Knowles said. "I did this because I wanted people to know that I can act and I can play someone so different from myself."

Okay. We can deal with conceit when it's well-earned. But what about being jealous of the former American Idol contestant?

"It's really unfortunate that everyone is saying I'm jealous of Jennifer. It hurts my heart because it's so clichéd. They're saying that I'm mad when I knew going into this that I was playing Deena," said Knowles. "Because I'm a star they just automatically assume that I'm not humble enough to sit down and take a back seat, which I am."

Did Beyonce mention she's a star yet? More so than Vin Diesel, in case you were wondering.

However, the R&B singer did admit that she would have liked to have sung Effie's song, "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," a showstopper that, in large part, helped get Jennifer Holliday a Tony Award for best actress for the original 1981 Broadway version of Dreamgirls.

"I mean," said Knowles, "I wish I could've gained 20 pounds and played Effie."

Ohhh, snap! What's next, saying Hudson is so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out?

Ignore bitter Beyonce, Jennifer. Keep that chin, and weight, up. We don't want you ever going Nicole Richie on us.

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Getting engaged is no longer news. Call us when you're not getting married, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker.

The new trend is for couples to announce that they are happy and not changing their status in any way. Right, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timerlake?

Jenny McCarthy Photograph

Following that pattern, take note fans: Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey, who quietly started dating at the end of last year, are not getting hitched any time soon.

"We're happy with the way things are," the 1994 Playboy Playmate of the Year tells TV's Extra. "We have no plans to get married."

The couple recently returned from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding in Rome (did everyone hear? Those two kids got married!): "I was very happy to be there with him," McCarthy, 34, said of her Italian trip with Carrey, 44.

In other non-news:

Thank you.

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On Prison Break, Lane Garrison played a troubled teen often on the wrong side of the law. In real life, well, read that sentence again.

Growing up in Richardson, Texas, however, Garrison's misguided ways landed him in the home of a minister: Crazy Joe Simpson. For almost a year, the young actor lived with beautiful, weird Simpson clan.

Heartbroken

In light of recent incidents involving Lane, the rep for Jessica Simpson said: "She loves him and wishes him well during this difficult time."

Garrison was the driver of a car involved in an accident last weekend that killed 17-year-old Vahagn Setian. Rumors are swirling that he may have been drunk at the time, similar to Rip Torn.

Earlier this year, Lane told People magazine about his adolescent days; he "stole everything" he could, including cars and stereos. At 15, after an abortive attempt to steal a jug of wine from a stranger's garage, Garrison says his mom "slapped the crap" out of him and actually took him to a police station to scare him.

He lived with the Simpsons for a year after that. No word on whether or not he slept with Ashlee Simpson. We'll assume he did.

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Step back, Britney Spears, crotch shots are not just your speciality anymore.

The one with fire in her private area is dead set on proving that she can flash onlookers, as well. Granted, Lindsay Lohan has a long way to go, but can you blame a tramp for trying?

Train Wreck and JV Train Wreck

Meanwhile, look at the girl in the black dress behind Lindsay. She looks about as excited and interested in the attention-seeking streewalker in front of her as we are for a Tori Spelling memoir.

We can only imagine what the reaction of Al Gore would've been.