Hilton Hater

Hilton Hater

I am a senior staff writer at THG and a big fan of Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson. I believe Kim Kardashian is bad for society, but great for attention, and that The Real Housewives should all be banned from existence.

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While most of our staff is sitting in stunned silence over the alleged existence of yet another Danielle Staub sex tape, thank goodness for our Real Housewives critic.

She sat through another hilarious, entertaining, nauseating episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night and filed the following report...

Let me just start out by saying that the entire focus of this episode was women trying to get other women out of their lives while simultaneously talking, thinking, texting, Facebooking, and scheming endlessly about these same women.  Danielle wants the Manzo ladies out of her life for good.  The Manzo ladies want Danielle out of their lives for good.  Hmmm... normally you would think that this could work out well for all of them pretty easily. 

Just stop talking to each other, right?  No, it’s not that easy when you are a New Jersey housewife.  You must first make the woman/women you hate the center of your life and the focus of your every waking moment before you can finally expel them for good. D'uh!

The Housewives Girl

But before we delve into all of that, let’s start out where the episode started out:  Teresa and daughter Gia at Gia’s modeling and acting school.  Teresa drives Gia to her acting class in the family’s Maserati. As I see this I am immediately reminded of reading a headline this week that Teresa and her hubby, Shirtless Joe, are millions of dollars in debt and that several of their many homes are in danger of being repossessed by the bank.  

Teresa, I would encourage you to enjoy that Maserati and your new Palace of Marble and Onyx while you still can.  Soon you’ll be living in a dilapidated ranch with minimal square footage and it will become all too apparent how annoying your daughters are when you can’t hide from them in your pool house

Teresa makes nice with the other parents in the waiting room of Gia’s acting and modeling school. She relishes the opportunity to shoot the shit with people in the biz.  “It’s typical for me to speak to other parents whose children are also models and actors.  It’s refreshing to be around people who can relate to you,” says Teresa of these people who are all giving her the snake eye every time she opens her trap.  She also reminds us and them, “I’m so not a stage mom.”  One dad cringes.  We cringe along with him.

Gia wants a part in a new Christian Slater movie but it doesn’t work out.  We learn that her Jersey accent is preventing her from getting the parts she so desires.  Well, that and her total inability to act or memorize lines - but I digress.  Teresa is dumbfounded by all this hoo-ha.

“I really don’t know what a New Jersey accent is because I was born here and raised so to me I don’t feel like I have a Jersey accent.”  My gawd - has this woman nehvuh been outta Joisey?  A dialect coach is brought in to help de-Jersey Gia’s speech.  Much time is devoted trying to get Gia to stop pronouncing the word “coffee” as “quaw-fee” without much success.  All the other words in the English language (oh, besides “dog” verses “dwog”) are left for later as her coach slumps over in exhaustion and Teresa and Gia leave. 

Teresa and Daughter

Evidently it is Danielle’s birthday and our favorite nutjob is having her “first grown-up party.”   This statement is not clarified and no one knows what it means exactly but things move forward despite this confusion.  That two-faced minx Kim G. is hosting a party for Danielle and the two women exchange words before the party. 

Kim G. is upset over how things went down at the Brownstone during the cancer benefit.  Danielle refuses to make any apologies.  The people doing their hair and makeup raise their eyebrows and exchange looks of thinly veiled terror.  You know they are scanning for the closest exits to flee through in case these women start going at each other with their claws and fangs extended.

Once the party starts the conversation predictably turns to the Manzos and Danielle asks her guests, “Do you know how much satisfaction they’re going to get out of knowing that on my birthday party that this is what’s happening?”  But when a person tells Danielle she cares too much about the Manzos she gets hissy and sticks up her finger and says, “Oh no, no, no.  I do not care about them.  What I don’t care to hear about is them on my birthday.” 

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We already know that the past of Danielle Staub is littered with drugs, prostitution and arrest records.

But might it also be filled with multiple sex tapes?!?

In June 2009, this Real Housewife of New Jersey successfully used the legal system to block a video of her and ex-boyfriend Steve Zalewski getting it on. Raunchy case closed, right?

Apparently not.

A Real Housewife of NJ

TMZ reports that Hustler Inc. has uncovered another 75-minute tape of the Garden State's most reviled reality star spreading her legs for mystery man. It was allegedly shot in September, months after the aforementioned case was settled.

It won't be long until we have confirmation of this tape's existence: it's scheduled to be released on June 14. That's in less than a week!

Speaking of Staub, Zalewski once said: "Not only does she want to have sex all the time, but she loves the thrill of doing it in public places, where she might get caught.

"She wanted to make love in restaurant bathrooms every time we went out - she'd get excited and say, 'The people can hear you doing it outside!'"

Soon, they may be seeing Danielle doing it inside. Yuck!

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Charlie Sheen allegedly held a knife to the throat of his wife last year.

Yet it's the public that has so far been punished for this act.

We've been forced to continually hear about this star, including the hefty raise he received from CBS to resign with Two and a Half Men.

The drama was scheduled to end yesterday, as Sheen appeared in court and all reports indicated he has reached a plea deal that would send him to jail for 30 days - but the agreement "hit a snag," sources say, and Sheen's sentencing has been pushed back until July 12.

"The prosecution discovered that Sheen does not qualify for work release because he is not a local resident. He does qualify for useful public service, which has stricter rules, which Sheen nixed," said an insider.

As pictured, Sheen appeared court in sunglasses, a dark suit and tie.

When TMZ asked if he was content with the plea bargain, he said: "I guess. "As [happy] as I can be."

We have an idea for the prosecution: instead of any jail time, Sheen should be forced to watch reruns of his abysmal sitcom on an endless loop for a month. That will scare him straight.

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In many ways, Kristen Stewart stole the show at last night's MTV Movie Awards.

Or, to be specific, her lips stole the show, as Kristen and Robert Pattinson made out on stage.

Mugler Shot

But Stewart wasn't the only young, beautiful actress on hand at the event. Former High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens also graced the red carpet, showing up with boyfriend Zac Efron.

That hunky star isn't pictured below, but Stewart and Hudgens are matched up against each other in our latest edition of the THG Fashion Face-Off. Who do you think looked prettier on the red carpet?

 

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How humiliated is Kendra Wilkinson over the release of her sex tape?

So humiliated that she's only given two interviews regarding it!

Following some of the best acting she's ever done on her E! reality show last month, as she pretended to be heartbroken over the existence of Kendra Exposed, Mrs. Hank Baskett has sat down with Ryan Seacrest and reiterated her phony stance on the video.

"It's extremely embarrassing," she says of the footage featuring her 18-year-old self with an ex-boyfriend. "I am a very open person, I am very honest about my life, but a sex tape was definitely not what I wanted in my life."

Pouring on her crocodile tears, Kendra added:

"It just had to come out now when I finally cleaned up my life. It wasn't for anybody else's eyes to see except for ours."

With over a million dollars likely coming her way as a result of the release, we feel terrible for Wilkinson. Watch her interview below and sound off: Do you feel badly for Kendra?

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The dreams of Simon Cowell are about to come true.

No, he won't be tar and feathering Ryan Seacrest.

Instead, the American Idol judge will be staging World's Got Talent some time in 2011, a reality show that will bring together a number of acts from across the globe.

The event will be held at London's Royal Albert Hall, as sources say Simon has wanted to do the competition since 2007, when Britain's Got Talent first aired.

"This has been Simon's dream. It will be the biggest reality show the world's seen," said an insider.

The most well-known act to come out of Britain Got Talent, of course, is Susan Boyle. She's sold millions of albums worldwide. Winners from similar shows around the world have included opera singers, contortionists, circus performers and dance groups.

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Last night, MTV aired its annual movie awards.

Really, though, the show could have been titled the Twilight Saga Event.

Rihanna in Vogue

It featured the first-ever public kiss between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, along with appearances by Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Nikki Reed, Anna Kendrick and others.

Kendrick was honored with the evening's Breakout Star trophy... but will she also come out on top in this fashion face-off? We've pitted her against Reed and have left the results up to THG readers. Vote below.

Who looked best on the red carpet?

 

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MTV wasn't the only network to host a hilarious, irreverent awards show this weekend.

Spike TV taped the Guys Choice Awards on Saturday night, an event that will air on June 20.

Featuring awards such as the Holy Grail of Hot (Jessica Biel!), the Jean-Claude Gahd Dam (Scarlett Johansson!) and the Decade of Hotness (Charlize Theron!), this show drew beauties from movies to music to television, many of them in incredibly short skirts. To wit:

Decade of Hotness Winner

Johansson, of course, jetted over to the MTV event and made out with Sandra Bullock in one of the best moments from last night.

Ogle that actress, and other stars, at the Guys Choice Awards below:

  • Brooklyn is Beautiful
  • Crazy, Iron Mike
  • Kelly O.
  • So Darn Sexy
  • Scarlett Photo

[Photos: Getty, Splash News]

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Tila Tequila needs significant professional help - and, no, Dr. Drew Pinsky won't cut it.

The troubled D-lister took to her blog Friday night and posted a video of her bloody arm, allegedly sliced open at the wrist by one of her multiple personalities named "Jane."

Wrote Tila: "I don't know what happened. People don't believe I have multiple personalities but this morning the last thing I remember was falling asleep cuz I was so tired. I blacked out and now that I just woke up from excruciating pains all over my body, there was blood and dope everywhere! She is evil!

She single handedly smashed and broke EVERYTHING in my bedroom! Both nightstands, the bed lights, all of the surround sound system, my tv boxes and there's glass everywhere. There's even chunks  of meet coming out of my arm from the deep slits from her slicing up my arm from all the broken glass! My arm meet from inside is starting to bubble up and seep through the cuts. This is so f***ed up.

Now that I'm awake, she just left but I have no recollection of what happened to me. I'm just crying right now hiding in my toilet...my entire room is in shambles. All the new furniture is broken and glass all over the bed. I don't know what's happening!"

Tila Arm

This incident caused cops from the North Hollywood Police Station to conduct a “welfare check” on Tequila on Saturday.

They found her at home, utterly confounded over why anyone phoned the authorities with concern over her well-being.

“Peace out u ignorant f---. Not my #TilaArmy but whomever said I'm commiting suicide! F--- OFF! Why would I??? I got mad $$$ & LOVE! STFU,” Tila Tweeted soon after the police left.

They are considering charges against Tequila for pulling such a stunt and wasting their time. But one thing is for certain: Either Tila truly suffers from multiple personality disorder; or she faked suicide to get attention.

The same conclusion can be drawn from either belief (and from this outfit): she needs MAJOR help.

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There was plenty for viewers to scream over at last night's MTV Movie Awards:

But there was more to the event than hot fashion and make-out sessions.

A pair of major movies were previewed, as the ceremony gave us sneak peek at both Eclipse and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

The latter will hit theaters in November and be broken up into a pair of films. Below, get your first look at action and confrontations (Harry vs. Ron?!?) from it:

From there, try to keep your hyperventillating to a minmum, as you check out a scene from Eclipse. In it, Bella hops aboard Jacob's bike, soon after being warned that she's "the one the red head wants."

Darn you, Victoria...

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