Hilton Hater

Hilton Hater

I am a senior staff writer at THG and a big fan of Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson. I believe Kim Kardashian is bad for society, but great for attention, and that The Real Housewives should all be banned from existence.

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First, Tammy Lynn Michaels was "blindsided" by her break-up with Melissa Etheridge.

Then, she was denied $25,000 in court this week to help her cover the legal fees of their split and upcoming custody battle.

Melissa Etheridge, Tammy Lynn Michaels Picture

Now, the scorned mother of two has penned a poem on her official website. It's titled ulcers to gallbladder to pancreas to liver and then...? and, well, here it is:

a dillar
a dollar
a trick or treat
hollar
need some help
need some honesty
need some real
call 'er
no answer


gallbladder
pancreas
liver
ulcers
MRIs
ultrasounds
gotta get it done
on pennies now?
somethings going on

gotta get a job
with barf bag in hand?
and leave my twins with who?
and with what babysitting money?

a dillar
a dollar
a trick or treat
hollar

this too shall pass
cuz i believe in miracles
and
miracles look like rainbows.

oh. and we have to be out of our rental in 45 days.
man, i love a challenge.

It's unclear what rhyme scheme this is in, but it's apparent Michaels is suffering. Please give her some money, Melissa. At least to save us the pain of reading more of these missives.

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We're very sorry, Joe Jonas.

Multiple sources have confirmed that this singer is smitten with Ashley Greene, while others have reported: "Joe has been trying to date Ashley for awhile now, but it looks like it’s never going to work out for him.”

There's a good reason, however, and it's one Jonas doesn't have to take seriously: Greene is spoken for! She's actually been dating actor Brock Kelly, insiders say.

Busty Greene

"Ashley's really falling for Brock, and he's just as into her," a friend told Star Magazine. "It's new, but she thinks it could be the real thing."

Kelly appeared last year on an episode of Supernatural. Based on the photo above, there's something both super and natural about Greene, as well. Think about it.

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You're gonna have to step up your game, Kourtney Kardashian.

You've been surpassed as Hollywood's most shameless mother.

Amanda Bynes Twit Pic

Tori Spelling has actually opened up a Twitter account for her three-year old son, Liam. The attention-starved mother is publicizing it every chance she gets and updating its 14,000 followers with the latest one-liners from her tyke.

(In related news, 14,000 people REALLY need to get lives.)

Follow THG on Twitter today! (Please, we can't be losing to a three-year old.)

Among the Tweets "Liam" has posted:

"Mama the moon ate the sun and made it dark. Will he burp him up tomorrow so it'll be a nice day?" and "I love making jello castles. Jello wiggles and parties in my tummy."

Of course, Liam's main concern lies with his ailing father, as McDermott crashed his dirt bike earlier this month and is resting at home.

"Once Dean came home from the hospital, Liam told Dean, 'You have to stay in bed. Doctor said you're sick. You have a boo boo,'" Spelling told People. "Dean is slowly recovering. He has a long road ahead and is still in a lot of pain. He's just taking it day by day, and the kids and I are good nurses!"

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Love and light. Stay in the positive, bitch! - Ashley Holmes to Danielle Staub

Last night, Bravo offered up an unbeWEAVEable episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The utter insanity was highlighted by a fight between Danielle Staub and Tersea Giudice, culminating in Ashley Holmes - the 19-year old daughter of Jacqueline Laurita - yanking out Staub's hair extension.

The writers of this installment deserve an Emmy, though Holmes posted this week on her Facebook page yesterday: "YIKES... not one of my finest moments in life."

Weave Me Alone

Police were called to the scene of the chaos, which was filmed months ago.

Therefore, Laurita has had time to reflect on the events and Tweeted late last week:

"It's like at train-wreck you can't look away from... We are a disgrace! It's bad. Shameful but... a little bit humorous, dare I say, in parts. Hope we can still be friends. Lol!"

Friends?!? Bravo likely just gave you all raises and lifetime contracts. Go out and celebrate! We know where you can find a good coke whore for the occasion...

A Coke Whore

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If we were the cynical type, we'd say Kim Kardashian is only pretending to be Lindsay Lohan's friend these days because it makes her look like a caring individual.

After all, Kim stopped by Lindsay's house for dinner the day after Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in prison - and we challenge anyone to come up with the last time these two hung out prior to that verdict.

At the Amp Energy Bullrun Rally this weekend, Kardashian was asked about this newfound connection and told OK! Weekly: “I just think that no matter what your friends go through you just have to support your friends, no matter what.”

Speaking of support, Kim's outfit at this random event supported her curves quite well:

Hot Suit

Kardashian was also asked about Lamar Odom at the rally and had nothing but praise for her brother-in-law:

“Lamar is a really strong guy... I think it takes a real man to be able to handle living this crazy life. And having him and his wife be in it together is a lot to deal with, but everyone does a good job at it. You have to not let it really affect your life too much.”

Not affect your life too much?!? This is your life, Kim! The press and the paparazzi and the tabloid covers are how you and your family make a living.

Don't make it sound like it's a burden. That rings even more hollow than your friendship with Lohan.

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To the credit of Edward Norton, he's taking the high road.

Recently let go from The Avengers, and blasted by the movie studio for his lack of "creativity and collaborative spirit," the actor has posted the following message on his Facebook account.

In it, he expresses gratitude to his fans:

“As most of you know, I don’t like to talk much about the business of making movies because it means a lot to me to protect the audience’s fullest enjoyment of the “magic” that films can have. But I am so appreciative of the outpouring of support from fans of the Hulk and the Avengers that I feel it would be rude not to respond. So here goes: It seems it won’t work out for me to continue playing Bruce Banner for Marvel in The Avengers.”

“I sincerely hoped it could happen and be great for everyone, but it hasn’t turned out as we all hoped. I know this is disappointing to many people and that makes me sad. But I am very sincerely grateful to Marvel for extending the offer and even more so for giving me the chance to be a part of the Hulk’s long and excellent journey.

“And I really can’t thank the fans enough for how much enthusiasm you’ve sent my way about what Louis [Leterrier, The Incredible Hulk's director] and I tried to do in our turn with the legend. It means a lot to me. I grew up with Banner and Hulk and have been a fan of every incarnation.

I’m really proud, and very blessed, to have been one of them and will be thrilled to see him live on through other actors. Hulk is bigger than all of us, that’s why we love him, right?"

With Norton out of the picture, attention now turns to which actor might take on this role in the 2012 movie. Rumored candidates include Mark Ruffalo, Joaquin Phoenix and Billy Crudup.

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Round one of the Melissa Etheridge/Tammy Lynn Michaels split has gone to the singer.

Following Etheridge's motion to dissolve her partnership with Michaels, the latter filed for full custody of the pair's children and stated that her ex has not been supporting her or the kids "financially and otherwise."

However, a L.A. County Superior Court judge shot down Tammy's request for $25,000 this week, as Etheridge's attorney convinced the court his client is, indeed, footing the bills for her family.

"[Tammy] is being completely supported by Melissa and has been since they separated," Neal Hersh told People. "She’s being well-provided for and then some, as are the children, which are Melissa’s first priority."

Hersh says these expenses include $2,000 a month, along with household bills and a car lease. Tammy's legal team doesn't dispute these facts.

Steven Knowles says "Melissa is paying various sundry expenses," but adds that his client and her three-year old twins are "destitute... It doesn’t put money in her wallet. Literally she has no cash."

Etheridge and Michaels were together for nine years. Sadly, it seems this break-up will get uglier before it gets any better.

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Ah, so this is why he showed up at the London premiere of Eclipse.

While we're always happy to see the cute mug of Joe Jonas, we were perplexed by his presence at last month's event. Turns out, he's less a fan of The Twilight Saga in general than he is of a specific aspect of it:

Ashley Greene.

Sources tell OK! Weekly the two stars have grown close over the last few weeks, as they attended a King of Leon concert together recently and "there was definitely something going on, but it’s not serious," says an insider.

  • Actress on Tour
  • Joe J.

Another source - who refers to Green as a "maneater" - says Joe is "smitten" with the actress, but the feelings aren't exactly reciprocated: “I think he wants it to be more than she does right now."

Jonas is coming off a break-up with Demi Lovato, while Greene has been linked romantically to guitarist Jared Followill. If these two ever did get together, they'd have solid nickname potential.

Gonas? Jeene? We could get behind either option.

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It was totally on last night between Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice.

Complete country club chaos broke out on the Bravo hit, highlighted by these self-centered stars going at it. Let's see what our Real Housewives correspondent had to say about the exciting episode...

Seriously?  How much more screwed up can this show and these women get?  To top tonight’s country club mayhem the Housewives will have to get rocket launchers and reduce each other’s homes into rubble.  I don’t think any of us would be surprised if that happened.

The episode begins where we left off last week:   Teresa and Danielle engaging in momentary fake-nice small talk before everything turns into a major kerfuffle.  There is immediately a lot of shrieking and screaming, women forcing each other down into chairs, women rushing down darkened hallways, bodyguards pushing woman off to the side, dishes smashing, weaves swinging, heels breaking.

Thank goodness there are subtitles because nothing is comprehensible except for the random shouting of “bitch!”  The rest of it sounds like, “Aaaaaahhhhheeeerrrrraaaaanooooo!”  The jerkiness of the camerawork as it chases the Housewives is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project and is, in many ways, equally as scary.

The Housewives Girl

At one point early in the brawl, Teresa says to Danielle, “So what, bitch?  I live in a $5 million home now.”  “And it’s in foreclosure!” screams Danielle.  This statement pisses Teresa off more than anything else.  “Danielle said my house is going into foreclosure.  It’s none of her business what’s going on in my life.  I was trying to be nice and Danielle started it,” she tells us. 

Pause for a moment:  I do hate Danielle and was secretly glad to see her getting hunted down like a gazelle on the Serengeti but Teresa really did start everything, at least on that night at the country club. Had she not insisted on approaching Danielle and “saying hi” nothing would have happened.  Or maybe the producers asked Teresa to approach Danielle?  I know huge fights like this can’t hurt the number of viewers the show attracts.  Thoughts?

As things escalate and women are running amok on broken heels, Danielle enlists the help of Kim G, of her bodyguard (no, not Discount Danny but don’t fret—he shows up later in the episode), and Kim G’s driver.  “Get me out of here!  I’m gonna pass out!  GET ME OUTTA HERE!” screams Danielle as she hides in a corner outside. 

Evidently she can’t move because her heels are broken.  “I can’t walk!” She is a sobbing and crying mess.  It’s not pretty but, man, is it ever funny.

Don't You Ever!

Then occurs the moment that will be re-lived by Danielle non-stop for years to come:  Jacqueline’s wayward daughter Ashley comes up and yanks on Danielle’s weave.  Supposedly she did this because she thought Danielle had punched her mom but, secretly, I think she did it just because she wanted to.  If I saw Danielle in real life I’d probably want to do the same thing. 

The next thing we know, the bodyguard is carrying Danielle to Kim G’s Bentley.  In the car Kim G is screaming in Danielle’s ear. “Listen to me!  Stop!  Calm down, please!!”  Sorry, Kim G, Danielle probably won’t calm down for a few more years.

Though we are all worn out just watching this crap, Teresa is still rearing to go.  “I wanna talk to the bitch,” Teresa explains to Jacqueline as she approaches the Bentley where Danielle is hiding and having hysterics.  Jacqueline is perplexed.  “Why?!  What is the point?!  Let her live her miserable life. She’s miserable.  Let her live it.  Who gives a shit?  Who cares?”  Silly Jacqui!  You’re talking to Teresa like she understands you and has a grasp on reality! 

Ha, ha.  So funny.

Meanwhile Danielle is still screaming and crying in the Bentley.  “I really feel very violated by Ashley. And I’m gonna feel violated by Jacqueline,” she says.  Then Danielle demands that the cops be called and charges be pressed while Teresa dances around the parking lot and Jacqueline stands there petting her baby seal coat, just waiting for some more crazy shit to go down. 

“Look at all this hair she pulled out of my head!  That’s not even my extension!  That’s my hair!”  I love it that Danielle isn’t even embarrassed to admit she has a weave.  Not in this time of great personal misery and stress!

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