Hilton Hater

Hilton Hater

I am a senior staff writer at THG and a big fan of Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson. I believe Kim Kardashian is bad for society, but great for attention, and that The Real Housewives should all be banned from existence.

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On Showtime's Dexter, evil doers should be afraid of Michael C. Hall. He'll slice them up into little pieces and deposit them into the ocean.

In real life, though, it's an awful disease that should have known better than to mess with this incredible actor.

Hall released a statement today that said: "I feel fortunate to have been diagnosed with an imminently treatable and curable condition (Hodgkin’s lymphoma), and I thank my doctors and nurses for their expertise and care."

His spokesman, Craig Bankey, said his client is in remission, but will continue with scheduled treatments.

We wish Hall the absolute best - and can't wait to see how he takes this pain out on various bad guys next season on Dexter.

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Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol after this season.

This news is very sad for those of us who appreciate Simon's sarcasm, wit, honesty and entertainment value as a whole. But it also offers an opportunity for Idol to truly branch out.

Sure, Ellen DeGeneres as a judge (starting February 9) is a departure from the show's typical, music-driven basis for selecting its panelists. However, we're talking about change fans can truly believe in...

... which brings us to our first proposed replacement for Cowell. He, along with many of the options below, might not seem equipped for the job. But hear us out, and then let us know who you wanna see sit in Simon's seat in 2011:

Barack Obama: As someone who once got 66,882,230 votes in a single day, he's the only guy more popular than the show. Or at least better known. Plus, can you imagine the criticism? "Look ... Kris ... You possess a terrific talent, but at the end of the day, Adam possesses the kind of change that can bring the music world together."

Nelson from The Simpsons: Really, how much more analysis do 90 percent of the performances need than a simple: "HA-ha!"

Donald Trump: Every critique of his will be the absolute BEST!

OBAMA, TRUMP, WOODS OR SOMEONE ELSE? WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE?

Gilbert Arenas. Pros: Will bring hip vibe, comic relief to the panel. Cons: May pull piece on a contestant after a crappy performance, as a "joke" of course.

Tiger Woods: He has a lot of free time these days and knows a lot about young talent. Just keep him away from the female contestants.

Carson Daly: If only he actually existed.

Simon Cow: He'll be moo-ved by the ballads each week and will always udder praise. Oh, wait, sorry, we thought we were writing jokes for Jay Leno.

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It's the year of the vampire.

In the latest issue of Cosmopolitan, the magazine features its "Fun Fearless Males" of 2010 - and a pair of pretend blood suckers lead the way.

Paul Wesley and Kellan Lutz grace the issue's cover, as each opens up about random topics (Lutz on his vices: "I need sugar all the time and I’m obsessed with lip balm." Wesley on single life: "I can relate to being in love with one person. Dating around never appealed to me.") and each simply looks smoldering.

Loyal THG readers ought to know where we're going with this:

Compare The Vampire Diaries and The Twilight Saga studs below and then vote in our poll:

  • Vampire Diaries Star
  • Underwear Spokesman

Who would you rather...

 

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What the what, Jennifer Love Hewitt?!?

The large-breasted Ghost Whisperer star appeared on Lopez Tonight last night and offered unusual, disturbing advice to women around the world.

Simply put, the actress said she often "vagazzles" her private area, making it sparkle like a disco ball. Like host George Lopez, we pretty much have no words for this, especially as we vomit at the thought of the only man that can vouch for the accuracy of this statement:

Jamie Kennedy. Barf!

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Following her widely-criticized Twitter rants and cries for attention, Tila Tequila had her apperance on Larry King canceled last night.

But People has gone ahead with a feature on Casey Johnson's quasi widow, who opens up to the publication about first meeting the woman she refers to as her "wife." Read the excerpts below at your own nauseating risk...

On her first impression of Casey: One day I texted and she was the cutest thing ever. She was nothing I had envisioned. I thought, I cannot believe this is the Casey Johnson people used to tell me about.

On their first date: She was so nervous at my house. Dropping things. I could tell she was nervous... We just ended up laughing all night. We just fell in love.

T Squared Photo

On their engagement: One night she comes over and she was so nervous. I was like what's wrong with you, calm down!" Tequila recalls. "She was so nervous and so cute and finally she pulled out this fat ring that I had never seen before.

On Casey's daughter: I was going to adopt Ava and we decided she would call her Mommy and me Mommy T. We were going to have a big family.

On reaction to Casey's death: My therapist put me on suicide watch. I've been getting help but I'm fine now. I know Casey wants me to be alive and she hates seeing me like this. She always hated it when she would see me cry.

In related news, Tila has posted 37 Tweets in the time it took you to read this article. She's good.

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Karissa and Kristina Shannon are moving on to bigger and better things. In other words:

They'd like to have sex with someone that possesses fewer wrinkles than Rex Ryan's game plans for the New York Jets' defense.

Timberlake and Biel Photo

Indeed, earlier today, Hugh Hefner confirmed that the twins are moving out of the Playboy Mansion and relocating all the way across the yard. The magazine magnate Tweeted:

"The Shannon Twins are growing up. They're moving to the Playmate House with my blessing so they will be free to do other things."

Hef said the busty blondes want to travel the world and partake in endeavors that other Playmates have recently enjoyed. Does that mean we should expect them to squeeze out a baby and pose for every tabloid imaginable over the next year?

Fortunately, things between the Playboy founder and 23-year Crystal Harris couldn't be better, Hefner added. But that doesn't mean we should start listening for wedding bells. He told E! News:

"I haven't had a lot of luck with marriage. I don't have a good track record and I don't want to screw this one up."

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When most people become parents for the first time, they're overwhelmed by the sounds of a baby crying.

For Kendra Wilkinson and Kourtney Kardashian, however, the only sound they hear when they look at little Mason and Hank is: Cha-ching!

Within days of giving birth, each of these publicity hounds graced the covers of various supermarket tabloids and website home pages.

Now, a few weeks after squaring off in a THG Tale of the Tape, Kendra and Kourtney continue to exploit their children in dueling magazine features.

Among the (utterly mundane) "exclusives" these issues offer readers this week?

  • Scott Disick (gasp!) changes diapers.
  • Hank Baskett loves his wife's backside.
  • Both Kourtney and Kendra are dropping their baby weight (thank goodness!).
  • Mason changed Kourtney's life (by putting a lot more money in her pocket).

Approximately four million women give birth each year in the United States. If any of the 3,999,998 feel like explaining to Kardashian and Wilkinson what motherhood is truly about, we encourage you to do so now.

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As Edward Cullen, Robert Pattinson tried to resist the urge to bed Bella Swan.

As one of the most sought after young actors in Hollywood, though, will Pattinson be able to resist the calling of another major movie franchise?

Following the news that Spider-Man 4 will reboot the series - doing away with Tobey Maguire as the lead and focusing on Peter Parker as a high school student - one question has been floating around Tinseltown:

Who will step into the costume of this webbed wonder?

Without quoting any sources or providing factual information of any kind, OK! Weekly claims Pattinson is a contender for the iconic role. Could this be true? Sure.

Could it also be another example of this tabloid making up a story about Robert in order to create buzz for itself? Most definitely.

Raw Sex Appeal

Reportedly, Michael Cera and Chace Crawford are also being considered for the role of Peter Parker.

While Pattinson's schedule is jammed with movies - he starts shooting Bel Ami with Uma Thurman in February; and begins production on Breaking Dawn in 2010 - one thing is for sure:

The guy would look good in tights! Do you wanna see Robert as Spider-Man?

 

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The first few episodes of American Idol are typically an exercise in patience and predictions.

Viewers must sit through an endless stream of pathetic auditions - some amusing, most annoying - in order to hear that one voice and/or see that one face that could truly become the next American Idol.

Did we meet him or her on last night's season nine premiere? It's possible, although only 32 golden tickets to Hollywood were handed out.

In between the crying, screaming and mannequin-like presence of Victoria Beckham in Boston, the following contestants stood out. Keep these names in mind. One of them could be the next Adam Lambert...

Maddy Curtis: 16 years old, sung “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. The ninth of 12 (!!!) chldren, she has two brothers with Down Syndrome and seemed awfully mature for her age. Simon made us chuckle by saying she's actually not an annoying teenager.

Boston Hopefuls

Amadeo Diricco: 28 years old, a classic Italian from Providence. Outsized personality will make for entertaining TV if he sticks around. Sung “Hoochy Coochie Man” by Muddy Waters.

Tyler Grady: A 19-year old drummer stood out for thre reasons. First, he broke both wrists when he fell out of a tree. Second, he had a smooth voice. Third, Kara appeared to want to jump him right on the table.

Katie Stevens: The best voice? No. The best story? Yes, on this night. Just 16 years old, sung “At Last” by Etta James and is very close to her grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s and only speaks Portuguese. The phone call between these two caused Ryan's eyes to tear up after Katie received her ticket to Hollywood.

Justin Williams: Also a great personal story, but we heard it last season when he advanced to Hollywood (and was part of the “White Chocolate” group with Kris Allen and Matt Giraud). A cancer survivor that has undergone multiple surgeries.

Leah Laurenti: A 22-year old from Medford, New York with a powerful voice. Grew emotional as she talked about her upbringing, dreams and religious family's quasi ban on secular music.

WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE CONTESTANT?

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When Ray J plowed Kim Kardashian on tape, we all assumed the aspiring hip hop artist was simply trying to make a name for himself.

But might Ray J have had another motive? Could he have been proving to the world that he's capable of maintaining an erection around the opposite sex?

That's what Monica Danger has implied. The former For the Love of Ray J finalist went on record last week with a startling revelation, one that would rock VH1 reality programming to its very core: Ray J is gay.

"Ray, I love you, I respect you, but you are selling me everywhere," Danger confusingly said, outing the singer and even naming his boyfriend: "Ray J’s lover of years is Young Buck."

Of course, Danger - who's been hospitalized for mental problems and recently lost custody of her daughter as a result - has about as much credibility as Tila Tequila.

Therefore, we might need to side with Ray J when he said in response to this accusation:

"I still got love for Danger, that’s one of my peoples. But I didn’t return her calls for the last 2-3 weeks, so she threatened to say ‘I’m going to tell people you’re gay!’ She went along and actually did it! I’m not gay, but I got love for gay people because I work with gay people... girls and dudes. I’m comfortable with my sexuality."

Anyone that watched Kim Kardashian Superstar is well aware of that! So are the walking STDs that exchange bodily fluids with Ray J on a weekly basis, as filmed by VH1 and evidenced below:

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