Yawn. The sight of Danielle Staub topless is common place for anyone that has purchase this reality star's sex tape.
But, fortunately, that excerpt on last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey was one of the only boring clips from an otherwise entertaining hour of ridiculous television. As usual, our Real Housewives correspondent is on the case, recapping the insanity below...
Did anyone miss Dina? I didn’t! I completely forgot about her absence and found this week’s installment to be one of the most enjoyable of the season. It seemed to have three main components:
- Danielle’s wonky boobs and how they were made beautiful... she hopes.
- Prince Albie flunking out of law school and Caroline going all civil right-sy about it.
- Teresa throwing a housewarming party for herself that we know full well she can’t afford.
Let’s go through them one at a time, shall we?
Okay, let’s start with Danielle and her jankety boobs. She’s had three previous “augmentations” (I hate that word), none of which turned out well. Evidently she also got a staph infection in one of her boobs and now it’s all lopsided and hard. If you’re feeling the chunks beginning to rise, you might want to pause and grab your barf bucket now because it only gets worse from here.
Danielle meets with a plastic surgeon in his office in a strip mall. Evidently Franklin Lakes is one never ending strip mall. Of the freak boob she explains, “It’s hard, it’s cold, it doesn’t get the body temperature like my body.” She goes on, “I do suffer because of the breast implants. It causes a lot of pain for me. Every day, every minute of every hour of every day.”
Tears pool in our eyes - what this woman has had to endure!
Upon first sight of Danielle’s rack the doc exclaims, “I do obviously think that you need an operation, without a doubt. I am going to have to have one of the leading revision breast surgeons in the country take a look at you.” We imagine Danielle must be saying to herself, “Hey, fourth one’s the charm, right?”
If I were her I’d just hack them off and wear a padded bra with some chicken cutlets from here on out, but not our girl!
Later, Danielle heads in to get her breast surgery. We are treated to another look of Danielle’s blurred-out boobs and we gag and cover our eyes. She wants us to know that she is a natural girl at heart who normally shuns such vain cosmetic procedures. We look upon her freakishly high eyebrows, protruding cheekbones, and overly plumped lips and we totally believe her.
“Nature’s been very good to me so far,” says Danielle. “Getting my breasts done is really out of necessity. It wasn’t for aesthetic reasons. Umm, I want to be very clear about that.” I think we’re clear about what’s going on, Danielle, but are you?
Once in the operating room, we get to enjoy even more blurred-out boob action. Her doctor tells those assembled around Danielle’s naked torso, “She has one of the biggest deformities ever. It’s depressed.” This last bit is in reference to the misshapen bubbie but he really could be talking about how all of us feel while watching this show, couldn’t he?
The doctors squeeze and smush her boob around as they ridicule it. As the camera pulls away from the “Surgical Center” we see it has a partially burned-out sign and is in, you guessed it, a strip mall.
Now on to Prince Albie and his poor wittle problem with law school. Albie tells mommy that he isn’t doing so hot in law school.