Free Britney

Free Britney

Teaming up with Hilton Hater to bring you the latest celebrity news, Hollywood rumors and gossip since 6/6/06.

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Bill Simmons is at it again. Well, actually, it's the Sports Guy's wife we're interested in this time. But if it weren't for Bill, we'd have no Sports Gal rants to report on.

Kristin Films The Hills

Below, Bill's better, funnier half takes aim at ABC's The Bachelor, along with one of Hollywood's most talked-about foxes, Kristin Cavallari...

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I can't watch The Bachelor anymore because they keep selecting guys who shouldn't need a reality show to find a wife.

I liked the first two seasons when they were just nice-looking guys who had normal jobs and seemed normal.

Now the bachelors come on to become famous; they don't care about finding a soul mate. They want to break up with whoever they picked in the Final Rose episode and hook up with Kristin Cavallari at a Sunset Strip club the next week.

It's so easy to see through them. Like, this year's Bachelor is a rich Italian prince (Lorenzo Borghese) who can't speak Italian and went to Rollins College. It's like Joe Millionaire, only without the twist at the end. Why would I root for a fake prince to fall in love?

Instead of picking princes and quarterbacks, I think ABC should go in the other direction. My friend Melissa thinks we have hot homeless guys out here in L.A.; she calls them "the hot homeless."

We can't figure out why there are so many good-looking ones. Maybe they're failed actors, I don't know. But since it's practically hopeless for single women over 30 in L.A., Melissa thinks they'd have a better chance by taking in a hot homeless guy, cleaning him up, getting him a job and trying to turn his life around.

I agree. I'd like to see ABC pick a hot homeless guy as the next Bachelor. They could clean him up and introduce him to 25 girls at once. His whole life could change, right? Although he'd probably fall for three of them at the same time, settle on the slut with the biggest rack, give her a promise ring, then dump her the next week to hook up with Cavallari.

Forget it, this could never work.

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When asked if he thinks people see him as "that arrogant, cocky kinda guy," Kevin Federline looked right at the camera and asked:

"I don't know, do you?"

Fat Federline

K-Fed was being interviewed by EXTRA on the set of the smash TV show CSI, where he played an arrogant character known simply as "Punk" last night.

Here's Kevin Federline's take on his part:

"They catered the lines to stuff that I would probably say, you know, if I was being arrogant."

Sure thing. Needless to say, he did a bang-up job last night, and if this is what he can do with a few scant minutes, imagine what he could do with an entire feature film.

There was particularly notable sneer, for one, as he delivered the line "This little piggy went wee, wee, wee all the way home" with brilliance.

The King of Trailer Trash then flexed his animal-impersonation skillzz with a convincing porcupine impression equally compelling for its accuracy and its minimalism.

And he even made a clever, knowing, and sincerely-expressed encapsulation of his own existence with wife Britney Spears: "Free shower, free food, free sleep," he says, in a casual sing-song.

Although, as he perceptively noted, the lines were carefully crafted to his thespian sensibilities, there's no doubt that K-Fed brought the wealth and weight of his own experience to this performance. We can only hope that there are many, many more to come.

As for K-Fed's home life with Britney, Sean Preston and newborn Sutton Pierce, pictures rarely come along that sum it up better than this:

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If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

That's how Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Screech Powers, feels about cashing in on his disturbing and recently-leaked sex tape.

The actor/comedian defended his recent decision to profit from the alleged Screech sex tape to Rita Cosby on MSNBC's Scarborough Country Wednesday.

"We could spend a fortune fighting it in court, with little bits already being leaked out on the Internet, or we could suck it up and say you know what, it could be a losing battle, we'll make money if we just side with it," Diamond said.

And thus, the career of Screech Powers, amateur porn star, begins.

Double D also confessed that he's formed a different opinion of his former enemy, the porn video kingpin David Hans Schmidt, even going so far as to pay that sick bastard a backhanded compliment.

"I tip my hat to the guy ... if someone has a tape out there, they gotta watch out, 'cuz chances are he's gonna get a hold of it... the Sultan of Sleaze has done it again and I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar."

THG NOTE: Hard to fault Screech for his decision to sell out. It's like we've been saying for years. If you're going to give some skank the Dirty Sanchez, you might as well try and make some cash off it.

Schmidt also appeared on the show and boasted of four more celebrity sex tapes which have recently fallen into his possession -- one featuring a certain rap artist, another of a celeb who stars on the Bravo network.

No clues yet, but at least it's not K-Fed. That dude is no artist.

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That lucky bastard Brody Jenner is apparently making the rounds with all of Hollywood's young hotties. This one might be the most controversial yet.

As we reported earlier this month, the beauty de jour is none other than Lauren Conrad. That's right, the Laguna Beach hottie and the nemesis of Jenner's ex and fellow Laguna grad, Kristin Cavallari.

Bathed in Sunlight

The rumors of Brody Jenner and Lauren Conrad being an item were confirmed last night at Mel's Diner in Los Angeles, where they were seen cuddling. Jenner, of course, just got through with dating that skank Nicole Richie.

Reports have been swirling around that Brody and Kristin are both hanging on to hopes of reuniting. If that's the case, the latest twist in the true-life Laguna Beach soap opera is almost a guarantee that reunion won't occur.

The rivalry between Kristin and Lauren, also known as LC, dates way back to their days on Laguna Beach.

Here's the recap: Kristin stole Lauren's then-boyfriend, Stephen Colletti. Lauren got pissed. The girls haven't gotten along since.

Is this Lauren's way to get back at Kristin or is this an attempt by Brody to get Kristin's attention? Guess we'll all have to sit back and watch the drama unfold, but we do know this: Lauren has some work to do if she wants to top these Kristin Cavallari pictures.

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Kevin Federline knows all about Britney Spears' history with hunky back-up dancers, and he's not about to take the chance of being replaced by one who's not a complete dirtbag.

Former Sex Symbol

Yes, the disgrace known to America as K-Fed is apparently forbidding his wife from using male dancers in her new video.

Spears hired Matt Felker, one of the sexy guys from her "Toxic" video, to appear in her new video, according to In Touch Weekly.

In Touch reports that her deadbeat hubby "insisted that Britney fire Matt and all of the other male dancers she'd hired and replace them with females."

K-Fed -- who was, of course, once a back-up dancer for Spears -- is surprisingly insecure and secretly terrified. Not that he is a complete douche with no career prospects, but that the mother of his sons Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce will dump him if her career takes off again.

An inside source says:

"Kevin doesn't want Britney to be making sexy moves again. He's even telling her she doesn't need to lose all of her pregnancy weight."

Actually, she does. Why? Because we said so.

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The Gossip has learned the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has gone after the deputy who arrested Mel Gibson... with a vengeance.

At the same time, it appears little has been done to determine if top brass gave the drunken anti-Semite special treatment and deceived the media.

No Contest

Sheriff's sources confirm to TMZ.com, the site that initially broke the Gibson story and alleged cover-up, that the Department obtained a search warrant and raided the home of Deputy James Mee on September 13.

Deputies went inside and took Mee's computer, phone records and other documents. Sheriff's Department sources say the Department got the warrant because officials believed Mee leaked four pages of the original arrest report. The Sheriff's Department claims it's a crime for a law enforcement officer to leak confidential documents.

The warrant is still sealed and the results of the search have not been made public. Mee's lawyer, Richard Shinee, would not comment.

The Sheriff's Department claims it is still investigating charges that its officials gave Gibson special treatment and lied to the media the day of the arrest. The day Gibson was busted, and called a female officer "sugar tits," Sheriff's officials told TMZ and other media that the arrest occurred "without incident."

Nothing could be further from the truth. An apologetic Gibson acknowledged as much on Good Morning America this week.

Also on the day of the arrest, Sheriff's officials told TMZ that the story it was about to publish documenting Gibson's arrest, remarks and vulgar conduct was "absolutely false." Only after TMZ obtained portions of the arrest report did the Department change its story, ultimately telling TMZ the entire report would be submitted to the D.A.

It should be interesting what the investigation turns up. Meanwhile, Joy Behar, a well-known comedian, based Mel again today. She's Jewish, and is upset that she feels Gibson dislikes her because she's Jewish, along with everyone else on earth who is Jewish. You know, standard.

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We know.

It's been far too long since we've posted any new Kristin Cavallari pics. We apologize for this atrocity. And not to worry -- her 15 minutes of fame don't appear to be dwindling yet. Kristin is set to star as a sorority girl in the upcoming remake of Revenge of the Nerds.

A Kristin Cavallari Picture

Suffice it to say, we will sit through anything to see Kristin Cavallari as a sorority girl. Hopefully the producers are smart enough to dress Kristin in some sort of schoolgirl outfit. At a car wash for a school fundraiser. Time for a cold shower, guys.

Cavallari will join Katie Cassidy as a Pi Delta Pi girl. The cast for the Revenge of the Nerds remake is coming together and while Cassidy will play the lead Pi girl, our favorite Laguna Beach alumna will play her sorority girl, partner-in-nerd-torturing, Kailey. We can't wait.


 

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Guys love to check out hot chicks. It's a fact. There's no denying it and it's not gonna change. Ever. But there's something to be said for subtlety. The man in this picture, apparently enamored with the back side of Paris Hilton's younger, hotter, STD-free and significantly less annoying sister, is officially busted. The kid on the right is just about as guilty. See below:

Butter Time!

Hope your wife sees this, dude. In all fairness, this prime Nicky Hilton gawking pales in comparison to some of the other examples we've come across. At least he waited until she walked by, unlike the jackass busted ogling Sienna Miller and giving her a full-on O-Face on a London Street. Keep it together, man!

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Apparently, Stavros Niarchos didn't answer his phone, forcing a lonely Paris Hilton to feel up this poor, innocent pug.

Unfortunately, said pug's plea fell upon deaf ears as onlookers (presumably ones who have heard Paris' album) failed to rescue it.

Doug Reinhardt, Paris Hilton Pic

The look on the canine's face really says it all. But in case that wasn't enough for you, we've taken the liberty of translating his expression into words. Or one word.

You get the idea -- this celebrity dog would like nothing more than to get the f*%k out of there immediately. Or play fetch. Dogs love attention, but come on, Paris. He's as terrified of you as we are.

We certainly sympathize with the poor critter. We would be mightily concerned ourselves if we were in the clutches of the talentless, STD-ridden waste that is Paris Hilton.

Yech. That is some nasty $h!t.

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Back from Europe this week, Jessica vents to her rough-looking pal, Emily, about Cameron and Kyndra's winter formal hookup.

Jess goes off on Kyndra, calling her some really nasty names, but gives Laguna Beach's favorite player enough credit to have dinner with him that night.

This is a perfect example of why Jessica sucks.

She should be pissed at Cameron, who is supposedly her boyfriend, but at the same time, she is beyond pathetic and clingy to boot. The fact that she's still appearing on Laguna Beach almost every week after graduating high school LAST YEAR really says it all. It's over! Move on! Man, what a weirdo.

At dinner, Cameron and Jessica argue about their relationship but Cam calls Jessica on her "flirty fighting," which is so dead on! She was so obviously looking for reassurance that Cameron likes her better than anyone else, but got nada. It was enormously painful.

The next day Jessica tells a friend that Cam said that he'll always love her but he's not "in love" with her. Good lord. That's almost as bad as the "it's not you, it's me" classic. Later that day, Cameron officially dumps Jess, even though she basically had to coerce it out of him. The meathead apparently does have feelings.

Tessa goes out on a great date with cutie Derek, but things get a little serious when Derek wants to know what the damn deal is with the animosity between Tess, Cami and Kyndra. Tessa reveals that a couple of years ago she was hospitalized for an allergic reaction to medication, and while she was recuperating, Cami and Kyndra dropped off the radar.

Bitches.

Cut to Cami and Kyndra shopping and bitching about Derek and Tessa dating, and how they can't understand the attraction. But the real jaw-dropping moment of the night came when the cashier told Cami her total was $4,285.

How much do you want to bet that Cami asked the cashier to say that out loud simply for the camera's benefit. Skank.

Derek throws a barbecue and before his new love Tessa gets there, Kyndra, Cami and Nikki dog her in front of the boys. Right after Tessa arrives, the meanies make their exit. I swear to f*%king God, these girls make me want to fly to Laguna Beach and kick their pompous asses my f*%king self.

Tessa is bummed from the whole situation and hopes for better things to come. Fortunately, lovable Rocky gives her some sage advice about not worrying about what people think, and following her heart. The girl sounds like a therapist or a motivational speaker. What experience does she have to draw from?

Probably zilch. But she's a good friend and a cutie, too.