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Teaming up with Hilton Hater to bring you the latest celebrity news, Hollywood rumors and gossip since 6/6/06.

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Tina Simpson, mother of Jessica Simpson, has given her eldest daughter a verbal smackdown after her embarrassing rendition of "9 to 5" in front of Dolly Parton and President Bush at the Kennedy Center Honors last weekend, saying Jessica should get out of the business if she isn't willing to put in the work.

Baby Maker

Appropriate, when you think about it, since the same could be said of George W.

Anyway. Sources say Tina was furious with Jess after she flubbed lyrics, stood statue-still on stage while trying to hold her dress up, and then awkwardly hurried off with a few mumbled words to Parton.

Tina told her that the performance was "embarrassing" and "unprofessional," and mom was further incensed because Jessica had missed a dress rehearsal and hadn't adequately learned lyrics to the song -- which necessitated cue cards at the front of the stage. Jessica, who may or may not have starred in a sex tape recently, can be clearly seen reading from the cards during her performance.

Curiously, Jessica's nutjob dad, Joe Simpson, wasn't undone by the snafu. Crazy Joe didn't feel there was any need to reshoot the performance, calling it "cute," but show producers, reports Malkin, begged Joe to have Jess do it again, without anyone in the audience.

"We almost cut her out of the [CBS] show," says a source.

Jessica's representative has blamed the mishap on nerves, insisting there is no problem with Tina and Jessica whatsoever.

In other Crazy Joe Simpson news, the overbearing, money-grubbing, Ferrari crashing dad says that for a cool $10,000, his daughter Jessica will read YOUR magazine!

Ever-opportunistic Joe has called at least two weekly celebrity magazines offering the "opportunity" to feature Jessica reading their mag in a scene in the upcoming film Blonde Ambition. We're told that he has asked them to write a check for $10,000 for the privilege of placement -- and to make a check payable to Jessica's Crazy Dad LLC.

Just kidding - about the name, that is. The greedy SOB definitely wants the money!

Sources say that Joe has "guaranteed" that he will personally see to it that the magazine will be where it's supposed to be when cameras roll. It may even make its way into some still Jessica Simpson pictures used to promote the crappy movie. Who knows!

So far, according to sources, no one has taken Simpson up on his offer.

We're not sure about this hokey magazine idea, but we're thinking about starting a pledge drive in which we pay Crazy Joe Simpson one lump sum to make sure Ashlee Simpson is never seen in public or heard on the radio again. Everything has a price with this guy, right?

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Comedian Ian Bagg, the dude whose set was interrupted when "comedian" and "actor" Andy Dick randomly rushed the stage at the Improv club and called the audience "a bunch of [Michael Richards' favorite word]," has started baggin' on Andy, saying that Dick may not have been sober that night.

Andy Dick Drunk

Stunning.

Recreating the scene for the "Tommy & Rumble Morning Show" on WNOR FM99 in Norfolk this morning, Bagg was candid in bagging on the Dick who had to go and make a racist mess out of everything.

"Andy Dick is an idiot, he was obviously out of his mind," he said. "I'm guessing he was on some sort of drug -- there was a meth lab dragging behind him when he ran up on stage."

Dick issued an apology the next day, saying he knows he offended many people and is sincerely sorry.

Despite reports to the contrary, Bagg claims his act wasn't ruined by Andy's interruption.

"That didn't happen. I did great. I did another 15 minutes of comedy."

We believe him. If his jabs at Andy are any indication, hopefully we will be hearing more from this Ian Bagg fellow in the upcoming months and years.

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He may be nominated for some Grammy Awards. He may be dating a world famous swimsuit model in Petra Nemcova. Heck, he may even be a former British military officer who served multiple tours of duty and once remarked that he's been shot at more times than 50 Cent.

But when James Blunt sings his wildly overplayed hit, "You're Beautiful," it's hard to take him seriously. Come on. No self respecting man writes a song like that. It's akin to John Mayer and that "Wonderland" garbage. Okay, not that bad. But it's in the same ballpark... a very lame, grating and absurdly effeminate ballpark.

Even Sesame Street's affable Telly Monster, being serenaded below, can't see the appeal...

We're fairly certain Oscar the Grouch would have the same reaction, if not worse. He is, after all, a dirty SOB who lives in a trash can. Hey, cheap rent, right?

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Lorenzo might have appeared confident in his decision to pick Jen Wilson over the superior, sweet, sensitive, sexy Sadie Murray during the finale of the The Bachelor.

But according to the bachelor himself, it was a last minute decision.

Vienna Sucks

"I decided about two hours before the final Rose Ceremony and it was obviously a very difficult decision because I had strong feelings for both Jen and Sadie," Lorenzo Borghese said in a post-Bachelor interview.

"I felt a little stronger with [Jennifer Wilson] just because I thought we had more chemistry. I was trying to find faults with both of them and it was almost impossible but I knew I had to make a decision and it was just that I felt a little closer to Jen and that's why I went with what I was feeling at the time."

However despite waiting so long to decide which woman to present his final rose to, Lorenzo says he has never doubted his decision.

"I'm very glad that I made my decision," he said.

But despite Lorenzo's confidence that he made the right decision, both he and Jennifer plan to approach their new relationship cautiously.

"We're still very happy and we're definitely together but we're just kinda trying to figure things out and really grow into a relationship now," Jen explained.

"These [The Bachelor] shows are successful because people actually do find love in the moment and what they try and find out after the show is 'Was it just a moment of love or is this really a person who I can spend the rest of my life with,'" Lorenzo added. "I think that's the stage that Jen and I are at right now, we found love on the show -- we had a great time and I'm very happy I did it and got to know Jen and this is where we stand today."

After getting to be together only once since The Bachelor finished filming in late September, the New York City cosmetics entrepreneur and Miami area teacher plan to continue to conduct a long distance relationship -- at least until Jennifer's school system ends its school year next May.

"I'm a schoolteacher in South Florida so I have to finish the year there with my kids but when May hits and I'm looking to possibly go back or not then at that time then me and Lorenzo will make a decision that's best for us," Jennifer said.

"I save lots of frequent flyer miles right now, I love New York and Lorenzo loves Miami so in that sense it's pretty easy. We couldn't live in two better cities and a lot of people make relationships work from New York to Miami is a common, easy flight. So I think it's going to be visiting each other, talking on the phone as much as you can, staying in contact -- he's going to come down and see my [school] kids -- and you know we're just going to work on it as best as we can in any long distance relationship," she said.

Should their relationship last and an offer be made, the pair also admit that this might not be the last that reality viewers see of them. Can anybody say Nick and Jessica?

THG NOTE: Please, don't.

"I would never say no to anything until I know what it really is, I think we'd both be stupid if we said 'I'm not going to do anything else ever again,'" Lorenzo said.

"I feel the same way, I think if any opportunity presented itself we'd both probably want to take it but are we looking for a reality TV wedding at this point, probably not," Jennifer added.

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Mmm... steak.

Newlyweds Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and their usual group of pals - a group including a non- nude Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony - hit up Cruise's favorite eatery, Wolfgang Puck's Cut steakhouse in Beverly Hills yesterday, inhaling steaks before their much-anticipated post-wedding party scheduled for this weekend.

Tom Cruise and Fans

The dinner was a warm-up for Saturday's Scientology freak show lovely wedding reception, being thrown by Tom's business partner, Paula Wagner, who is opening up her L.A. home.

Know who won't be there? The Hollywood Gossip staff. For whatever reason, in spite of our fair and comprehensive coverage, we keep getting snubbed by TomKat. Hard. Also, Oprah Winfrey, who somehow can't worm her way onto the guest list. Sorry, Big O.

Who cares, really, about this snoozefest. TomKat has some seriously lame friends. If someone invited Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad, now that would be worth sneaking into. Oh who the f%*k are we kidding. We'd go anywhere there's free booze.

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Fed-Ex, a.k.a. K-Fed or the K-Hole or Kevin Federline, is finally starting to realize people think he's a douche (took him what, three years?) - and is trying to change his image, dammit!

Not only did he send out a f*%king press release yesterday stating that he had replaced his trademark chains and wife-beater for a suit jacket and button-down shirt (and presumably pants, unlike his estranged wife), he's also trying to learn how to sound smart.

Kevin and Jayden James Federline

Federline and his posse randomly showed up at the Village Vanguard last week to catch the book launch of David Matalon and Chris Woolsey's "The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties."

Witnesses at the party report that Kevin "actually chatted up the authors and seemed interested in how to sound smart."

But eventually, his true nature took over.

"He and his buddies went to the bar and pounded Everglo liquor shots for the rest of the night," a friend says. "They were really there for the free booze. Pathetic."

Okay, that's lame. But give the guy a break. We know, we know. We are the last people on earth to defend Kevin Federline, and it pains us to do so. But he's always been one to get his drink on, and there's nothing wrong with showing up at a party for free booze. Who doesn't like free booze? Hell, we could go for some right now. If we mysteriouly stop updating the site aroud 11:45 EST, you'll know why.

Plus, at least he's showing some interest in his infant sons these days, unlike Ms. Britney Spears, who's more interested in going to Hyde. Every night. Sans underwear sometimes.

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Was Rose McGowan recently upstaged by a gas station attendant?

And do you, T.H. Gossip readers, even know who Rose McGowan is?

Rose McGowan Photograph

The fiery hot Scream actress and wife of shock-rock sicko Marilyn Manson was pumping gas at a 76 Station on Robinson Boulevard in West Hollywood, where she was harangued by a chatty station attendant who bragged about being on both Entertainment Tonight and in the National Enquirer.

Clearly a celebrity in his own mind. Much like Kevin Federline.

McGowan was totally cool with the guy, who was, shall we say, a tad on the older side, when he asked the actress for some tips on how to avoid the paparazzi. Her response:

"Don't go down Robertson, how's that for a clue?"

She added that convertibles are photographer magnets as well. Lindsay Lohan, take note! She should have also mentioned that it's inadvisable to go clubbing wearing no pants.

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Britney Spears has answered back to those who've said she's been partying too hard since filing for divorce from Kevin Federline after two years of marriage.

"It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday," Spears, who marked her 25th birthday bash on Saturday with a trip to Mr. Chow's restaurant in Beverly Hills, wrote on her official website.

Queen and Subjects

The singer has been spotted out recently with with the venerable Ho Train - gal pals including Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan - and revealing photographs of her getting out of the car have circulated online.

Britney made a thinly-veiled, joking reference to the now infamous crotch shot debacle in her online statement.

"Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a bit too far," Spears said.

"Anyway, thank God for Victoria Secrets' [sic] new underwear line! I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me."

She signs off: "I'm just getting started... Happy Holidays everyone!"

Eh? Getting started what, Brit? Giving us nude pictures? Turning your life around? Birthing massive amounts of babies? Elaborate for us, girl! Inquiring, gossiping minds want to know.

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It's been six months since The Hollywood Gossip made its debut on the World Wide Internets. From single, humble post about Lindsay Lohan grew a giant, a website so jam-packed with celebrity news, rumors and breasts that some days, we can barely make sense of it all.

On this special six-month anniversary, T.H. Gossip would like to thank you, the fans who make us one of the fastest growing celebrity gossip sites on the web.

Now let's pause and take a look back at some of the unforgettable, marquee moments that have defined the first six months of THG:

SEX TAPES

If the last six months have taught us anything, it is not to underestimate the power of the celebrity sex tape.

All it takes is one of those things to get the tabloids buzzing and bring a D-List star back into the limelight - and make lots and lots of money for David Hans Schmidt.

While the Dustin Diamond sex tape is the only confirmed amateur porn video made by a "celebrity" in THG's time (and probably the first to feature the Dirty Sanchez), there were rumors of similar porn involving Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson and others. Not to mention some Marcia Cross nude pics that Schmidt somehow got. That guy is a sick, sick bastard.

BIGOTED OUTBURSTS

Thursday, July 27, is a night that will live in Hollywood Gossip infamy. Even in the crazy world of celebrity news, there may never again be a story quite like the drunken driving arrest-turned anti-Semetic tirade brought to us by Mel Gibson that evening.

Rest assured, however, that former Seinfeld star Michael Richards (and to a lesser extent, Andy Dick) are trying like hell to grab a piece of the pie. Racist and disturbed as said pie may be.

CELEBRITY BABIES

So many to list, so little time. We'll stick to the most popular. We were predicting that little Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt would be the most talked about celebrity baby ever. But what Shiloh embodies in cuteness, she lacks in controversey. TomKat refused to release any pictures of Suri Cruise for, like, ever, leading some people to think the little Asian sweetheart didn't even exist. Things got even weirder when Britney's second son, Jayden James, was originally thought to have been named Sutton Pierce Federline.

There were others, too, of course. Thijs is one of them.

WEDDINGS

Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes. It's all we heard about for months, and despite getting left off the invite list (thanks guys), we were thrilled to cover the Italian gala as only we could. From very far away, and ripping those crazy, fun-loving Scientology worshippers at every turn.

As for other weddings... were there any other weddings? TomKat seems to occupy all our available brain cells. As we've seen in recent months, people steadfastly stating they are not getting married is the new thing, even if they're happy and in love (and sexy!) like Brangelina.

BREAKUPS

Perhaps the most popular topic of any day at T.H. Gossip. Couples seem to be splitting up faster than Nicole Richie sheds pounds or Paris Hilton's panties come off after a night at Hyde. The last six months marked the end of some couples we thought would never break up - and some that didn't exactly shock us by parting ways.

Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody, a cute couple on and off the set of The OC, recently confirmed they're done. Sadly, the same can't be said for their television show. Denise Richards dumped and got a restraining order against Charlie Sheen (who loves him some drugs and hookers), though they've agreed to divorce amicably since. Ryan Phillippe couldn't stand his wife's higher salary and greater fame any longer, possibly cheating on her with Abbie Cornish.

Back in early summer, sir Paul McCartney and his gold-digging, one-legged former "instructional sex tape" star/wife Heather Mills announced their split.

A lot of funny stuff followed - mostly related to Mills' tawdry past. Many more juicy tidbits about Mills having sex with Arab arms dealers is still to come. While all this was going on, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got married, only to call it quits after a whole three months of wedded bliss.

Oh, and Britney Spears is single again and partying a lot after announcing she plans to divorce K-Fed. Maybe you heard?

In closing, we'd like to once again thank our fans, and the celebrities themselves, without whom this wouldn't be possible.

We dedicate the next six months to Peter Sarsgaard. Peace.

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Just hours after he grabbed headlines for the first time in years by unleashing the n-bomb in a comedy club, "stand-up comedian" and "actor" Andy Dick admits he made a huge mistake.

Groping the Fellas

In an apology issued through his publicist, Dick said:

"I chose to make a joke about a subject that is not funny. In an attempt to make light of a serious subject, I have offended a lot of people, and I am sorry for my insensativity [sic]. I wish to apologize to Ian, to the club, and its patrons and to anyone who was hurt or offended by my remark."

Andy was heckling comedian Ian Bagg at L.A.'s Improv comedy club Saturday, when he sudddenly got out of his seat and jumped onstage, cracked jokes about Michael Richards, and referred to the crowd as a bunch of n!ggers.

You know. Standard procedure these days. What began with a drunk rant by Mel Gibson has filtered down to the D-List celebs and beyond. We'll be sure to update you if this Dick is tarred and feathered, but expect this is the last you will hear of Andy Dick for awhile.

Hopefully, if there is a God, ever.