On the second part of Vanderpump Rules' Season 4 reunion special, Scheana Marie and Ariana Madix explored their rocky friendship.
Also, Stassi Schroeder and Lisa Vanderpump had it out, while Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright gave us an update on their relationship ...
When the second part of the reunion, a.k.a. Vanderpump Rules Season 4 Episode 22, picked up where last week's absurdity left off ...
Brittany explained her dubious decision to move in with Jax (or associate with Jax in general) despite all that we all know about him.
Jax acknowledged that he does “stupid s--t,” the understatement of all time, but called Brittany his rock. Which he might even marry.
"Maybe he can steal her a wedding ring," Tom Sandoval said.
Speaking of marriage, “I really, truly wanted Katie to abandon all hope,” Tom Schwartz said of his unorthdox proposal to Katie Maloney.
She totes loved it, but they didn't consummate it that night.
Or for the next 14-15 nights, now that you mention it.
“We technically should have had sex that night, but I went to put taquitos in the oven, and [Katie] passed out after I got back,” Tom said.
A hopeless romantic, that Tom Schwartz.
In all seriousness, he said that he looks to Scheana and Mike Shay’s marriage for inspiration, as they've been through hell and back.
Scheana has also been through a different kind of turmoil with Ariana, with whom she has an ... interesting, complex friendship dynamic.
Ariana mentioned the fact that Scheana Marie bashed Tom Sandoval to Ariana’s mom via text while they were in Hawaii on vacation.
Lala Kent said it best, “If someone did that to me and my mom, I best believe someone would be going down, and it would be you.”
Not going down in the hot sense, either.
Katie, for her part, feels like Ariana thinks she’s too good for everyone, while at the same time carries herself like a “Debbie downer.”
Ms. Madix fired back that “this is the most toxic environment I’ve ever witnessed in my life,” before everyone ganged up on Ms. Kent.
According to Katie, Lala is a rude, immature, shady liar who can't make any friends. She has no problem landing boyfriends, however.
As for Jax and Lala's weird relationship, we all know he lied to Lala about Brittany coming into town to try to get her to go out with him.
Brittany, obviously, was not happy.
Jax denied, however, saying certain flirty things to Lala, while Lala just wanted him to own it because she owned up to flirting back.
This is middle school at its best.
One thing both of them agreed on is that if they had wanted to bone, they would bone, since we know both enjoy that act personally.
Okay, hard to argue that point.
Meanwhile, Stassi Schroeder appeared to explain why she decided to return back to the Bravo show after leaving for 12 installments.
Stassi claimed she had to “have a rock-bottom moment” to work on herself and finally turn things around and make it right with the group.
Was the group having it?
Not Jax and Tom Sandoval, who felt that Stassi had ulterior motives for returning, and zeroed in on Kristen Doute because she's weak.
They don't mean she's weak in the physical sense - Kristen can deck people as hard as anyone - but emotionally. Easiest to manipulate.
Tom Sandoval was mad about the way Stassi treated Katie, but Stassi feels that Tom is out to get her and just has a weird vendetta.
Lisa just can't take it.
"I think that if there wasn’t this show, none of you would have ever heard from Stassi Schroeder again,” Lisa said, and well, she's right.
She, too, is pissed about the way Stassi spoke about her on camera, and we're guessing Stassi's apology fell upon deaf ears Monday.
“I feel that you hold things over my head, like I owe the rest of my life to you all of the time, and I feel like that’s not fair,” Stassi said.
Wait, what's that ... can you hear something? Somewhere, the world's smallest violin is playing a sorrowful ode to Stassi Schroeder.