We'll give you a moment to get back up on your seat, because we know that headline up there is probably the best and most hilarious thing you've read all week.
Kim Kardashian, with the great, big King Kamehameha kaboose has suffered a plastic surgery nightmare of the messiest kind, according to our friends at the National Enquirer.
Yep, the tabloid actually went there, complete with the headline, "Kim K’s Explosive DIS-ASS-STER!"
Gotta love that wordplay.
This is what the "paper" has to say about Kim's ass-plosion, per a source:
"[Kim's] ballooning backside has finally exploded. Her huge hips are due to her butt implants bursting last month.
"It’s totally destroyed her natural shape and Kim’s freaking out. Her implants leaked, and the fillers spread to her sides. It’s caused her hips to widen dramatically. She’s totally out of proportion right now."
We gotta wonder what happened to cause the rupture. Did Kanye put a tack on her easy chair? Was she sliding into first?
According to this source, who is a "pal" of Kim's, the remedy to the situation "will require special drains to remove the excess goop." (Goop is the clinical term for the stuff they fill the buttsack with.)
Here's a few more made up quotes:
"Now she’s having to get emergency ‘repairs’ to put things back in their right place," the pal continued. "She’s the shape of a teapot at the moment, and she’s really struggling to fit into clothes."
A teapot? Like, mostly round with a spout on one side and a handle on the other? Yeah, I bet it's hard to find clothes to fit that shape.
"She is suffering from a bit of discomfort from the leaks but her main priority is, as always, her looks so she’s having to undergo a series of drainage treatments before redoing it all."
Kim has denied getting butt implants on numerous occasions - not that she'd ever fess up to it if she did. Still, this story is about as fake as Kim's alleged goop-filled derriere.
Oh, National Enquirer. Never change.