Yesterday, the world witnessed a conflict that made the situation in Gaza look like a day at Disneyland.
We're talking, of course, about the Justin Bieber-Orlando Bloom fight.
With all the conflicting stories from witnesses, and Bieber's trash talk on Instagram, it can be hard to sort out what actually took place on that fateful night in Ibiza. Fortunately, Stephen Colbert is here to break it all down:
"I do not condone this kind of violence," Colbert told his audience last night. "Because Bloom missed Bieber's face." Comedy Central's foremost faux-conservative then pointed out that if Bloom had connected, Bieber would've had "his first hit in years."
But Colbert didn't just provide a ringside blow-by-blow. (Okay, so it was just the one blow.) Like the serious journalist that he is, he went deeper and analyzed the causes of the whiff heard round the world:
First, there was the relationship between Bloom and Miranda Kerr (or, as Colbert calls them Morlando Blur).
Even during their marriage, Kerr was "suspected of being a radical Belieber," leading to rumors that Kerr was sleeping with Bieber, a revolting pairing that Colbert dubbed Mustin Keebler.
Then came reports that Bloom was dating Selena Gomez (Sorlena Blomez, as they're known to none), which may have contributed to strained relations between Bieber and Selena (Jelusty Gobbler).
Yes, it's all a tangled mess that was destined to erupt in violence...or at least some heated words at a swanky resort eatery. Watch Colbert make sense of the quarrel that's defined a generation in the video above.