Conscious Uncoupling: Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Even Break Up Like Elitist A$$holes

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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who shocked fans with their separation last night, say they are just consciously uncoupling ... whatever that means.

In a statement on Paltrow's website Goop (which crashed due to the onslaught of traffic), they jointly announced plans to "consciously uncouple."

"In many ways we are closer than we have ever been," they say, but have concluded that "while we love each other very much we will remain separate."

It all sounds very amiable ... but what is conscious uncoupling?

While Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are very free-spirited, it's difficult to take this statement seriously. You're divorcing. Stop trying to sugar coat it.

Paltrow shared a 2,000-word article by Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami that spells out what they're doing with their oh-so enlightened lives.

The report's sections: Until Death Do Us Part, End of the Honeymoon, Intimacy & Insects, Conscious Uncoupling, Wholeness in Separation and Coming Together.

"Divorce is a traumatic and difficult decision for all parties involved - and there's arguably no salve besides time to take that pain away," the spouses say.

"However, when the whole concept of marriage and divorce is reexamined, there's actually something far more powerful - and positive - at play."

According to Sadeghi and Sami, high divorce rates should be viewed in the context of our "skyrocketing life expectancy" and simple human nature.

They argue that social norms are contradictory with people's true needs, writing, "Our biology and psychology aren't set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades."

"The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone," they continue, which totally justifies it for Gywenth and Chris. PHEW.

Psychotherapist and author Katherine Woodward Thomas similarly specializes in "the art of completion" and turning a negative into a positive. Or something.

She describes a "conscious uncoupling" as "a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace."

Thomas claims that breakups should be seen as an opportunity, "a catalyst for making a breakthrough in the way you show up in your life ... and in your next relationship."

Mmm hmm. Thanks for opening our eyes to this, Gwyn and Chris. Really, what would we mortals do without your supreme relationship wisdom.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have twins together and also had a great life together. But then it all fell apart.

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She was always a weirdo....never knew what the fuss was always about her.....anyone who names their kid Apple has some serious issues anyway....

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They seemed to live separate lives for years. I suppose sharing the same home off and on works for some couples. I believe they own homes in Hollywood and England. Breaking up is far more convenient when there's lots of money involved.

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I'm sure they tried to make it work. No one deserves a life-sentence in an unhappy relationship... just hope the kids cope OK.

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This is a bunch of b$%^s. This is typical of hollywood too cowardly to make it work especially for the kids. There are many hard times and even hateful fights but that is part of marriage.

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I'm currently consciously uncoupling from my dinner in the bathroom!

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@ Hot+Dumb+Italian+Mike!

LOL hysterical...

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I'm surprised that the marriage lasted this long...LOL!!!!!

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She is a stuck up bitch with an ugly face and zero personaliy..best movie she made was contagion. .when she died a painful death!! Of course she wants to sound elitest after cheating on Chris and starving her kids..

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With the exception of Kate and Jon Gosselin who are up front about hating each other. These Hollywood divorces about how they will always love each other and are committed to being good parents is such a fake out. If all these couples really felt that way they wouldn't be separating. This same old spin is tiresome, and phony.

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Grow up, they are spreading useful information. Are you wishing a shitty divorce that ruins their kids lives?

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they both need more time to masturbate on hot men?