Amber Portwood: I F--king Hate Myself!!!

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Amber Portwood breaks down emotionally in her upcoming MTV special, Being Amber, about some of the past mistakes she's made. It's not a short list.

Amber Portwood and Leah Pic

Unlike former co-star Farrah Abraham, who will also be featured in an hour-long special, Being Farrah, on Sunday night, Amber is keenly self-aware.

Prison will do that. Following her release from the big house last November, the Teen Mom alum returned home to Indiana to be with her 5-year-old daughter.

Readjusting to life in the real world has not been easy, though, especially when the reality of how much time she missed with Leah starts to hit home.

"I feel so f--king bad," she says, sobbing. "I left her for so long...I know why she's acting the way she is. She's afraid that I'm gonna f--king leave her again."

"I just f---ing hate myself for everything I did," Amber Portwood continues tearfully. "It was all the drugs and s--t. It was all I did. All I did was get f--ked up."

Indeed, the 22-year-old Portwood confessed to Dr. Phil in December that she was high "every time" she appeared on camera on Teen Mom, or close to it.

The reality star even did drugs while in treatment for drug use, no less.

Amber Portwood-Gary Shirley Fight
Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley FIGHT on MTV's Teen Mom. It's one for the ages right here.

Drugs weren't the only thing she abused, as Gary Shirley found out.

After a lengthy list of legal troubles, Portwood saw jail as the best way to get clean. Many questioned that decision, but it looks she may have been right.

Rehab stints for her addiction to prescription pills proved unsuccessful, and in May 2012, she asked a judge to send her to prison for five years.

Now that she's out, Being Amber isn't easy, but it is sobering.

Listening to her reflect on life now, she sounds every bit like a young woman who knows how she failed but is trying to turn it around. Here's hoping she succeeds.

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I give Gary alot of credit.. leah is a beautiful girl who is always clean and her hair brushed. Leah has been without amber for 18 months, doesn't live in a big fancy house (farrah and sophia) yet she is a happy little girl who is very smart. She seems much older and is def happier than sophia.its hard to believe they are the same age.
Stay clean amber and keep up the good work. U have alot to smile about these days.don't let your
past keep u from moving forward. You are doing
great and your daughter is obviously very happy to have u back.

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Pizza , egg rolls ,brownies, chips , hot wings , soda , lots of soda , and more cheese stix , and bacon and sour cream fries! Turn to those Amber .

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Pizza , egg rolls ,brownies, chips , hot wings , soda , lots of soda , and more cheese stix , and bacon and sour cream fries! Turn to those Amber .

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Pizza , egg rolls ,brownies, chips , hot wings , soda , lots of soda , and more cheese stix , and bacon and sour cream fries! Turn to those Amber .

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