This week on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a sex tape was the talk of the household ... and for once, it didn't involve the family member you think.
No Kim Kardashian sex tape to be seen here, fans.
Sadly. We're talking something not nearly as hot.
It was revealed that a Kris Jenner sex tape supposedly exists, which would be more mortifying if it weren't amusingly mocked by Kourt and company.
Meanwhile, Khloe Kardashian struggled with memory loss, while Kendall opted to spend more time with the Jenner side of the family, to Kris' consternation.
How did it all play out? Find out in THG's recap!
Khloe’s alleged memory issues allegedly came to a head during a conversation with Kris and Kourtney, who say Khloe never remembers any details!
“You have no memory of your childhood. It’s bizarre,” Kris told her, with Kourtney agreeing to kick off this obviously contrived storyline of the week.
Minus 50, though Khloe may wish she had memory problems given everything going on with Lamar Odom, Polina Polonsky, crack, DUI arrests, etc.
When a look through old photo albums and a visit to her former school didn’t do much for her, she decided to go see a hypnotherapist for advice.
The story editors really pulled out all the stops this week.
Seemingly under hypnosis, Khloe tried to fill in the gaps in time, and recalled her dad, Robert Kardashian Sr., working on the O.J. Simpson case.
This caused a fight with her mom, who was best friends with O.J.'s slain ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and prevented her from seeing her father.
Ironically, O.J.'s other attorney Robert Shapiro is now repping Lamar! Plus 150 because even Kris couldn't have scripted that one so far in advance.
The trauma of that family divide followed by Robert Kardashian's death may have caused Khloe to become withdrawn from her mom and sisters a bit.
That much we can actually see as legitimate. Plus 100.
The hypnotherapist concluded, “There’s this part of you that chooses not to be present. So when you’re not present, you don’t remember.” Plus 150.
Khloe was advised to focus on being at "ease" and in "peace," something she may struggle with in light of recent events. Minus 500 for you, Lamar.
In other Jenner child news, Kendall has been spending more time with half-brother Brandon and his wife Leah than anyone else, and Kris is not happy.
“I think you’re going through a phase. You’ll get past it in a couple of days,” Kris condescendingly told Kendall, who also met up with her half-brother Brody.
That didn't sit well with Kris either, but Plus 100, because Brandon and Brody Jenner seem like they'd be much more positive influences on the girl.
“It’s hurting my feelings,” Kris whines. “Sometimes I feel like this side of the family isn’t good enough, and you’ve been hanging out more and more with the Jenner side.”
Half-siblings are half-siblings. Minus 250.
Kendall's response? “I just realize that I really like hanging out with them.” Plus 300, and Plus 250 more for Kris coming around and calling her an "inspiration."
Now for the main event.
During dinner, Kris revealed that she and Bruce once shot a sex tape - “This was like 20 years ago, so don’t hold it against us" - and it may not be deleted.
Baffled at this revelation, and upset that Bruce has always seemed critical of everyone’s sex lives, Scott decided to lead a search for the sex tape.
The plan was soon thwarted by Kris, which we'll give only Minus 50 because we're guessing the tape is not actually real, but Kourt had another idea:
Re-creating it themselves. Plus 150.
She and Scott enlisted Khloe and Rob’s help, plus a stylist to help make them resemble her mom and stepdad, which is just weird on many levels.
“I don’t know what’s weirder: the fact that Kourtney looks just like her mother,” said Scott Disick “or the fact that I have to sleep with her.” Plus 150.
Plus 150 more for the sex tape's faux-title, “Backdoor Bruiser.”
Also, admit it, you sort of wanted to watch Scott/Bruce put it to Kourtney/Kris out of morbid curiosity, didn't you? At least a little? Minus 150 for not admitting it.
Then came the awkward moment when they played the tape, and Bruce appeared to believe it was legit, at which point he was very uncomfortable.
Kourtney and Scott cleared up the misunderstanding and explained that the idea was sparked by Bruce constantly passing judgment on their lives.
“In a 10-year period, I had 6 children with three different women. Oops,” Bruce contritely told the camera. “Guess I’m not one to talk.” Plus 150.
EPISODE TOTAL: +450! SEASON TOTAL: -6,950!