The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Listening to Dead People

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey head to Arizona with their "Spaghetti Western & Meatballs" indulge in not one…but two cleansing rituals.

Check out all of the dirt in THG's official +/- review.

Go Ahead, Touch It.

Teresa Guidice is riding high. Everything's going well. Cook books, Milania Haircare. Criminal charges…oops. She conveniently forgot that one. Minus 15.

But you know something's wrong when your 12 year old has to edit your fashion sense.

Shouldn't it be the mom putting a ban on skimpy bathing suits, not the other way around?

Still, everyone looks fairly happy as they start off to their Arizona retreat, except for birthday girl Melissa Gorga who would have preferred a little quiet time with her hubby. Minus 11. I doubt Bravo would have picked up the tab for that.

After half the cast experiences the plane ride from Hell, they finally all arrive at a gorgeous resort and spa in the desert.

Melissa wants to know if it's OK to touch the cactus. Plus 20. Did anyone else have the urge to tell her to go ahead and try?

Chris and Jacqueline get to their room and Chris asks her to try is spicy nuts. No, he's talking about actual nuts, in a bowl. So much for sexy time.

Speaking of sexy time, it looks like Joe Gorga's not getting any either as Melissa's got a cold for her birthday trip. He asks, "You want Tarzan?"  Melissa's response, "No!. Ew. No." My thoughts exactly. Plus 22.

The worst of the bunch is Richie who complains in front of his kids that he's not getting any sex and then does nothing but bitch about the beautiful resort he's staying at for free. Minus 30.

The guy is more of an ass every week and the tears shed over his dad didn't save it for me…but we'll get to that in a minute.

An energy healer who speaks to the dead stops in to help this crew cleanse their aura or some such thing. She claims she can hear voices from another dimension from people who are dead…but not dead. Minus 10. What does that even mean?

As much as I want to be open minded, I have several issues with this side show.

First off, if the dead are speaking to her, why can't they just tell her their name? What's with the first initial bs?

Then she asks if anyone has a connection to a Mary or Maria. Seriously? It's an Italian family. What are the odds that at least one of them has a dead relative with one of those names?  Minus 18.

And did anyone else get the feeling that the all knowing medium has watched the show before?

Despite my belief that this is all a scam, that doesn't mean it wasn't fun.

Love Teresa Giudice saying, "Even the dead is telling Melissa that I had nothing to do with these rumors." Tre will take backup from just about anyone and breathing is optional. Plus 25.

Even better was Juicy Joe messing with the psychic about relatives who were still alive and then the misunderstanding over the dog? The duck? Was this a joke about them walking into a bar?

Honestly, she may have had Richie and Kathy in tears but she could have gotten all of her information off of a quick internet search. Minus 17.

I'd rather have spent the night enjoying one of Albert's steaks.

Once the dead are put to rest, the crew heads out on a hike to be one with nature. 

And we get yet another classic Teresaism… "Anything to do with the outdoorsy, I'm all for it."  Plus 10 because everything about Teresa just screams nature lover.

Apparently everyone's auras need more cleansing as they burn their thoughts with sage and let go of negativity, worry, hate, fill in the blank here.

Teresa and Jacqueline continue to bond until Teresa mentions that if karma doesn't come back to you, it comes back to your kids.

Huh?  Do you think she was referring to little Nicholas? Jacqueline sure seems to.

Overall, Melissa had the right idea. A drink by the pool was the way to go

EPISODE TOTAL: -24! SEASON TOTAL: -446!

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