The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: No Sex For Housewives

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The Real Housewives of Miami was "Booby-Trapped" as one peacemaker tried for Kumbaya but failed miserably.

We recap all the drama, including whose sauce needs some added spice, in THG's +/- review.

No Chicken Cutlets

We picked up right where we left off as Adriana DeMoura Sidi stormed out of Lea Black's home yelling, "I'm done with your Draconian antics."

Plus 13. The line was so good it would have been a shame to let it die with last week's episode.

Joanna Krupa and Romain headed to a tennis match and talk about a crowd. Was there anyone else even there with them. No wonder Romain was afraid the players would hear them talking.

Tennis reminded Joanna of sex, probably because it's been months since she's had any.  Romain says they haven't had sex because it's boring.

Really? A guy who is too bored to have sex! And with a super model no less. I'm not buying it. Minus 40.

Apparently he thinks they need to spice up the sauce. Is that his metaphor for a threesome? Is he finding the secret to his sauce somewhere else?

Plus 18 to Joanna. If anyone's boring in this relationship it isn't her. She's had sex in elevators, private jets, and nightclubs. If Romain had a request, it sounded like all he had to do was ask.

And Joanna's not the only one not getting any. Apparently Lisa Hochstein's husband Lenny was equally uninterested.

What's up with that? Lenny practically designed Lisa himself. Now he's not attracted to his custom made bombshell?

As Lisa put it, "When we first met he was pounding me like a chicken cutlet." Now, not so much. Minus 25.

What is wrong with the men in Miami?

Alexia finally told her tale of woe. Her first husband was a notorious drug trafficker which is why Peter's such a mess.

He needs music. He needs therapy. He needs tattoos. Ugh. Minus 12. What a mess. I don't even know what to say.

Scratch that. Yes I do. Please, I beg the reality TV gods to stop the music. There are already far too many reality TV stars who think they can sing. Our eardrums plead for mercy.

Marysol lamented about how she almost lost Momma Elsa and minus 25 for spinning that story to make it sound as though the woman had actually died. I know they edit to make drama but that was just plain cruel.

Finally we get to Lisa's master plan. She wanted to make peace. Plus 10 for the good intentions but he's with the wrong crowd.  As Lea said, these are The Real Housewives of Miami. This isn't going to be a pot smoking, peace keeping Kumbaya.

And why is Joanna walking around with a copy of Adriana's marriage certificate in her purse?

Because any Housewife knows you might need the proof of betrayal on a moments notice. Plus 33. It pays to be prepared.

EPISODE TOTAL: -28! SEASON TOTAL: -177!

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