Lydia hosts a Salsa party tonight on The Real Housewives of Orange County! And Lauri stirs up trouble.
Will Heather and Alexis be able to reach a truce? And what will be the fallout from Brooks' surprise appearance?
Let's pick up the pace and get this THG recap started!
Lydia calls Heather to kvetch about motherhood and then asks Heather to talk to Alexis to make the peace before Lydia's Salsa party. Ugh. Always with the peacemaking, Lydia. Minus 5.
Heather agrees to call Alexis one more time and hopes they can have an "intelligent, reasonable" conversation.
This is Alexis we're talking about. What are the chances? Slim to none is my bet.
Vicki stops by to see Tamra and show off some wine labels for their Wines by Wives wine of the month. Talk soon turns to Gretchen and how Vicki can't stand her. Vicki says everything's always about Gretchen and Tamra agrees that Gretchen can be self-centered. Minus 8.
Vicki and Tamra's friendship is so bizarre. And Vicki's "I'm perfect" shtick is old. Old old old. Kind of like Vicki herself.
Heather and Alexis meet for tea without Lydia as mediator. I don't see this going as well as Alexis and Tamra's meeting.
And it doesn't.
Alexis blames Heather for constantly attacking her and Heather thinks Alexis can't handle the truth. Alexis says Heather always talks down to her and I say Alexis just doesn't understand words.
Alexis expected an apology from Heather. Hahahhahaha! That's cute. Plus 4 for the LOLs.
Gretchen's having her mother over for dinner. After using the word "indiscrepancies" when she means "indiscretions," Gretchen tells her mother all of Vicki's dirty little secrets. But she also realizes that knowing those secrets isn't the same as it used to be.
Once upon a time she would explode in anger and spill secrets like that but in the past few months, she's realized that none of that matters.
The only thing that matters to her is Slade and their future together. Plus 10.
Gretchen asks her mom if she likes Slade and Mama is a little reluctant at first to give her stamp of approval. But she does. Eventually.
Briana and Ryan are having a family dinner with Troy on their last night together before Ryan deploys for a year. Vicki comes in with a new rug for Troy's room and tells Ryan to get the bad guys.
All Briana wants while Ryan is gone is a happy home and Vicki's tasked with providing that. Briana has basically just asked her mother to climb Everest without a sherpa while wearing Loubitins.
After an emotional goodbye and an awkward on-camera kiss during which baby Troy gets extra fussy, Ryan leaves for his combat training.
Lydia's Salsa party is coming together. Thanks to her very expensive party planner. There are diamonds in the flowers and "low carb, low calorie" drinks. And fake mustaches.
In the limo, Heather, Gretchen, and Slade tell Terry to call Brooks to see if he'll be coming to the party. Minus 12.
Alexis and Vicki also happen to be talking about Brooks. Vicki says they're in a holding pattern because Briana won't let him in the house.
Heather and Alexis have a cordial and warm greeting but Alexis and Gretchen don't speak.
Lauri and her husband George walk in and Vicki is a little perplexed. There's "bad blood" between the two of them and Lydia doesn't know Lauri at all, so why is she even there?
Because Tamra invited her. Hopefully just to mess with Vicki. And also because Lauri is in the game of stirring the pot. Minus 10.
Slade tells Terry about his trysts with Lauri before Lauri married George but says that Gretchen is beyond a 10 and the two of them have a stupid amount of fun together. Gretchen and Slade are my second favorite couple behind Terry and Heather. Plus 8
Lauri asks Lydia if Lydia has a hollow leg where she stores the food she eats and Lydia gets visibly uncomfortable. Gretchen and Slade, no doubt egged on by the low carb, low cal cocktails, also comment on Lydia's size. Then Slade whispers to Gretchen that he wants to nickname her "cheeseburger." Because he'd like to buy her one. Minus 15.
Lydia doesn't like it when people comment about her weight or her size in front of her but not to her, which is what she felt Slade did. Lydia says that no one would talk about a person for being overweight and Gretchen laughs because obviously Lydia doesn't know Slade.
Tamra and Eddie walk in totally ready to party and then Brooks walks in the door. Uh oh. Minus 8.
Tamra vows to bite her tongue where it comes to Brooks for Vicki's sake. At least until she starts talking to Lauri. Minus 2.
Apparently, Brooks has been hitting the town while he and Vicki have been keeping their relationship a secret. Porn stars, strippers, women more than half his age. Whatever. He's a fan.
I want to bleach my brain and maybe vomit up the remains of my dinner. Minus 45.
Finally, it's time for the actual Salsa portion of the Salsa party. Heather ditches Terry and his 12 left feet for Eddie. Eddie and his arms and Latin lover pheromones. Plus 12.
As the dancers continue to change partners, Vicki ends up with Slade and Brooks ends up with Tamra. Awkward.
Gretchen and Slade talk to Doug about Lydia and Lydia tells Slade he can just make his jokes to her. Then she starts defending Vicki and insulting Slade and says she's "starting to see who he is."
That doesn't work for Gretchen who jumps immediately to Slade's defense and tells Lydia that there's a whole lot of story she doesn't know. Way to stand by your man, Gretch.
Tamra, Alexis, and Lauri are talking about Tamra's wedding (without a date) and Gretchen overhears that Tamra has invited Alexis to come wedding dress shopping. Props to Tamra for trying to make amends with Alexis, but she's kind of kicking Gretchen to the curb in the process. Minus 8
Gretchen talks to Tamra about why Alexis was invited to go dress shopping and Tamra says she's made peace with Alexis. Gretchen says she's backing out of going dress shopping if Alexis is coming.
Tamra concludes the episode saying everything is always about Gretchen.
EPISODE TOTAL: -71! SEASON TOTAL: -103!