The Real Housewives of Miami Season Premiere Recap: A Tale of Two Miamis

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The Real Housewives of Miami returned with a  "A Tale of Two Miamis." I'm not sure even one was necessary. but let's recap all of the plastic faces and sleazy boyfriends in our THG +/- review.

Admittedly, I never watched season one of The Real Housewives of Miami. Apparently I'm not the only one. I believe it was one of the lowest rated Housewives premieres ever. 

And yet, we are blessed with a revamped season two. Minus 8.

I thought the Real Housewives of Orange County and Beverly Hills had cornered the market on plastic. Boy, was I wrong. Step aside California. The ladies of Miami are lifted, tucked, botoxed, and enhanced beyond your wildest dreams or my nightmares. Minus 12. The shine off of all of that plastic is blinding me.

What Happened To Elsa?

Marysol's mother, Elsa is the obvious horror story.  What happened to this poor woman?  Was she a plastic surgery addict?  She says it was a surgical accident but can one bad surgery cause that?  Too bad her psychic powers couldn't tell her to find a better surgeon.

Plus 15 to Elsa because if anyone could ever convince me to grow old gracefully, it is her.

Poor Marysol's in tears.  Not because of her mother's tragedy but because she's pining over ex Phillipe.  She's still in love and wearing the monstrous engagement ring.  Minus 5.  How does she even lift her hand with that thing on her finger?

Then we visit Ana and Robert. Separated attorneys who still work and co-parent together.  On the surface it sounds like a lovely modern family until Robert opens his mouth. 

First off making jokes about his dirty penis in front of the daughters is just gross, even if they are in their early 20s.  Minus 10.

And I thought everything in Miami was suppose to be so high end.  Why do Robert's clients have to sit on a folding chair?  Talk about some low rent office space.  Ana needs to kick this guy to the curb and move on.

Perhaps with Rodolfo…but I wouldn't wish that on Ana.  Karent's fiance, Rodolfo is a latin soap star.  No, seriously.  I'm not kidding.  Plus 9 just for the cliche.

Rodolfo makes jokes about bringing blondes back to his hotel room in front of Karent's parents. Not only is he not funny, he's an idiot but something tells me Karent will defend him to the end.  Minus 10.

Lea Black and her old mansion on Star Island are already annoying.  She complains about the redo on the mansion.  She whines when the neighbors aren't rock stars or ex-presidents.  I can't be certain she's had as much plastic surgery as the other girls but the attitude is equally fake.  Minus 8.

But I did have to laugh when she found out the Boob God was moving in next door.  Plus 12.

Lisa and Lenny are quite the pair.  He's a plastic surgeon and she's his walking billboard.  Lisa gushes that when Lenny first met her he was thrilled that her face was as good as her ass.  What a charming couple.  Minus 11.

Lisa's housekeeper, Daysy is working towards her free plastic surgery makeover as well as becoming a pastor.  She says that once she finishes the four year program she'll be able to expel demons.  Wow!  To think I missed Demon Banishment in my course catalogue.

Joanna Krupa is gorgeous.  I can believe she's a high end model.  Unfortunately even the mildly smart supermodel has a boyfriend who's an ass.  Romain runs a night club and wanders home at 6am so hungover he can't make it to her photo shoot.  But that doesn't stop him from complaining about her sister, Marta.  Minus 9.

Joanna's Cover Shoot

The only solution here is that Marta moves out but I doubt that will happen.  She'll take the abuse to live in her sister's lap of luxury but Joanna's the one caught in the middle between these bickering children.

Then there's the oddball couple of Adriana and Frederic.  I wish Frederic would cut his hair.  The long locks only make him look older. Minus 5.

Adriana's an art dealer and Frederic's her sugar daddy who wants to move her to an antique yacht.  She'll go but only if it has walk in closets and her baby grand piano.  She says she trusts Frederic.  I hope she invests in some Dramamine.

All of the ladies head to the Food and Wine Festival and the bad energy is just too much for Elsa…or maybe she over did it on her pills before she came.  You know I wasn't buying that the dog ate my Xanax story. 

Elsa goes down in a heap with the plastic clad housewives looking on.  You'd think her psychic abilities could have told her to drink more water and sit down.

Elsa told her daughter that she'd be surprised at what destiny had in store for her.  I see a season of screeching Housewives in my future.  How about you?

EPISODE TOTAL: -42!

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I actually liked it better than first season and good they kept the old MIA and changed the new ones. The show is appealing maybe to the latin audience and Not all latinas look like mexicans nor dark skinned. If the show is in MIA the world knows this is cuban territorry, period. Cuban women can be very different, in the MIA social scene the ones with money are from spanish descent. White skin is not exclusive of northamericans. WE come in all colors ans shapes...

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OK, I now realize what's wrong with Real Housewives of Miami. I'm in Texas and all the Latinos I know don't look like these women. Put some darker skinned Latinas on the show, maybe have it in Dallas or Houston instead. It seems like the show is racist towards darker skinned Latinas which is unfair to Latina women in general. I know Latinas have different skin complexions. But, why doesn't the show reflects this? Put on a gorgeous Afro-Cuban, or a someone from Mexico that looks Mexican.

Gilbert jo diaz
@ Sharon

All Latinos? I lived in Houston and tons of Latinos are not darker than those Latinas, there are Colombians, Mexicans, Cubans, Venezuelans etc here in Texas of many shades. You must be a black mad person from the outskirts of Texas who assumes that if you're not dark, you're not hispanic or something which is ridiculous and ignorant.For you to want to see an Afro-Cuban when Afro's do not even pass for a Latino in Texas..

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The daughter, Marysol, should get her mother off that merry-go- round. As a narcissist (I mean look at the fillers in her face forgodssake)the old lady enjoys the exploitation but why does the audience have to look at it? The women is ill, she can barely walk or think straight.. something is very wrong here..

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I think that they over produced and showed Elsa she was funny the first season but now seems to have fake lines and bits that seem very fake thus not funny. I saw the blond Barbie with the efeminate husband is she on show still ? The show is still weak,,,we will see.

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I didn't watch the first season. Tried to watch on Thurs but I can't. I tried to watch it 3 times but I just can't get into these Miami women. It's a shame bc I love the Housevives franchise. Just can not not not watch Miami. Won't try again.

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@ Abc

I feel the same. I love most of the housewife franchises, but Miami is a dull, contribed bore. Same old, same old, every episode. What a bunch of mean girls in love with themselves. EVERYBODY comes off badly.

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I missed the first episode of “Real Housewives of Miami,� and thank you for the recap it was hilarious. For not having seen the first season, you have a pretty good grasp of these women. I pre-set my Hopper to record the new season since I will be starting a new work schedule at Dish. I’m not shocked to find out Marysol and her French-man broke up. I can’t wait to get caught up on all the drama; good thing I have a ton of DVR space to see Mama Elsa in all her glory.

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You gotta love Elsa! She needs her own show! I tuned in to see if marysol was still married to that slick Frenchman. Not surprised that was over. He seemed a bit of a gold digger. Like Brooks on orange county, just with a different accent and better teeth.

Joanna Krupa Biography

Joanna Krupa Nude Joanna Krupa is an extremely good looking model. She doesn't like to wear fur, or much of any clothing for the most part. Thank goodness... More »
Born
Birthplace
Warsaw, Polana
Full Name
Joanna Krupa