The Real Housewives of New Jersey: If This RV is a Rockin'

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As The Real Housewives of New Jersey make their way through northern California, they warn that "If This RV Is a Rockn'" run in the other direction.

We break down all the laughs, tears, and unexpected nudity in THG's +/- recap:

Why can't Joe Gorga keep it in his pants. He insists on taking his equipment out and showing anyone within view? Why does Vito moon his girlfriend's brothers and pretend to have a tattoo? Why am I watching this show?

Joe Gorga Shows Off

Some questions have no answers but the Housewives and family are still crammed into RVs and wreaking havoc on northern California.  Plus 10 for taking their special brand of lunacy on the road.

What do Jerseyans do when they visit California?  They learn how to surf or at least try to but if you're so drunk you can barely walk a straight line,  should you really try and surf? Minus 8.  They're lucky nobody drowned.

Almost everyone gives it a go.  Plus 11 to Teresa and Kathy who take a lesson and seem to put the most effort into it. 

Of course this is northern California where the waters of the Pacific are damn cold so everyone dons wetsuits before heading into the surf.  Joe Gorga says they all look like they're wearing black condoms.  Plus 7.  That's just so Joe.

Most of the guys flounder around like beached whales, perhaps because they're too wasted to do much else.  Melissa backs out and decides to stand on the beach and show off her bedazzled bikini.  Plus 9.  It's always smart to go with your strengths.

Back at the RV camp Teresa realizes she twisted her ankle and here come the tears.  At least she's in actual pain.  It's Lauren's tears that have me rolling my eyes.

Lauren has major self esteem and abandonment issues. She cries when her brothers make fun of her. She cries that they have their own lives.  Then she feels likes she's being replaced by Albie's girlfriend.

Minus 12.  Enough with coddling poor Lauren.  Her brothers are allowed to have their own lives and she needs to grow up and find one of her own.  Perhaps something that doesn't rely on her mother or boyfriend. 

But the road trip continues no matter who cries and camping really isn't something the Jersey Housewives are comfortable with.  When they lose cell service everyone freaks and as Caroline says "there's nothing but trees and grass and us. Kill me now."  Plus 11 because I might just feel the same way in her shoes.

Everyone complains that they have no food yet somehow they make a feast that spans two tables. Plus 10. I think that's a Jersey Italian thing.

But wait…there are more tears.  Teresa pulls Jacqueline aside to talk.  As usual Teresa takes no responsibility for anything. She basically tells Jacqueline that she was in the wrong but they can still be friends.  How does Jacqueline let herself get painted as the bad guy in this nonsense?  Minus 11

Jacqueline breaks down sobbing when Teresa mentions going their separate ways and I just want to yell at Jacqueline to run. Run now!  Unfortunately she doesn't.  Instead she hugs Teresa and says "I'm sorry I hurt you." Teresa's response? "Well, I didn't hurt you." 

Why does anyone want to be friends with this woman? Minus 10.

There's still a few special moments we wouldn't want to forget…

  • Melissa continues to fondle Teresa for the second week.  What's up with that?
  • Joe Gorga wanders the RV park in his underwear asking neighbors for fruit.
  • Melissa reminds Teresa that she thought she was a stripper because she had fake boobs
  • Jacqueline announces she and Chris had the RV a rockin' the previous night.

And they're not done yet.  The California trip continues but it looks like the love fest comes to and end.  We have a prediction. There will be tears.  I'm sure you're shocked.

EPISODE TOTAL: +17! SEASON TOTAL: -204!

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I don't understand why someone as gorgeous as Melissa would be with a creepy little guy like the one she is married to. No matter how buff he is, he looks like a dwarf to me. Also, the bad genetics are really apparent in Teresa who has a hairline that makes her look like a gorilla. Sadly, the bad genetics went down the chain to her ugly kids. So, not oly are they spoiled little bitches in the making, they are butt ugly. These poor brats look like those little troll dolls with the shock of hair on top of their heads. Besides, Teresa is a psycho who goes around causing trouble but never owning up to it. What a mess those people are! And don't even get me started on Lauren who is so ugly, she SHOULD be a Giudice. No matter how much weight you lose, or how many businesses your mommy buys you, you'll always be a loser, Lauren.