Teen Mom Season Premiere Recap: Most Depressing Reality Show Ever!

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Teen Mom's return was anything but joyous for the girls involved, or even the voyeuristic viewers who typically take delight in watching them.

Anyone who claims the show promotes or glamorizes teen pregnancy and young motherhood? Watch and re-watch this depressing episode.

The trials and tribulations of Amber Portwood (whose life has played out in celebrity gossip circles) have been well documented, of course.

Maci Bookout, Farrah Abraham and Catelynn Lowell didn't exactly balance her out with positivity, though. The Season 4 opener was brutal.

Why? Find out in THG's official +/- recap!

Amber Portwood in Rehab

Let's start with Amber, who is sentenced court-ordered rehab for substance abuse / anger management / mental health and two years' probation.

Baby daddy Gary Shirley is, understandably, a bit thrown off when she starts POUNDING wine moments after arriving at his place. Minus 10.

"This is the first time I've had a drink because I just turned 21," she says. Minus 21, as that's obviously not true, and isn't a good reason anyway.

Amber needs the wine "to get the fact that I'm leaving for rehab off my mind." Somehow this doesn't bode well for rehab ... as we know. Minus 8.

"People wonder why I hit you in your f--king face. You're just a rude mean person and I'm the bitch for hitting you." - Amber to Gary. Plus 14.

Gary Shirley's 911 call plays: "She's wanting to hang herself and she said call the police so they can find my body in the garage." Minus 15.

Things ends on a hopeful note at least, with Amber and Leah's loving phone call and Gary accepting an invite to visit her in rehab. Plus 16.

Of course, we all know where Amber Portwood lives right now, so ... Minus 100.

Plus 5 for Gary's fashion choices, however. Couture at its finest.

Maci Bookout Kisses Kyle King

On to Maci, who we are amazed to say actually made Ryan Edwards look like the sane one tonight. Minus 10 because that is not a good thing.

After she asked him to pick Bentley up earlier and he protested, she hung up on him and said the unemployed bum should be flexible. Minus 10.

That's just uncalled for, especially since he's going back to school now and Maci seems to take like one class per year. Seriously, Bookout. Chill.

Not that we're Ryan apologists, but still. She even picks a fight with current BF Kyle King, who she calls an idiot and tells to move out. Minus 20.

Kyle did in fact pack a bag and drive back to Nashville, but Maci had Bentley call him and ask him to return, which of course he did. Plus 25.

They made up. It was cute. Though, like Amber, we also know how Maci Bookout and Kyle King turn out before too long, so ... yeah. Minus 25.

At least Bentley conquers separation anxiety at daycare. Plus 20.

Farrah Abraham Cries

Farrah bids farewell to Iowa. With her departure, the spray-on tan and cosmetic surgery sectors of the Hawkeye State's economy may crater. Minus 9.

BUT instead of leaving daughter Sophia with her parents as they agreed, Farrah has decided to bring her along to the Sunshine State! Yay? Plus 5.

Her folks had made Farrah's old bedroom into a room for Sophia, meaning she'd be taking over the room where she was made. Awkward. Minus 8.

Farrah enjoys a "girls night out" dinner with Sophia and her mom. Debra orders "Farrah" brand wine, which is fitting as daughter whines a lot. Plus 11.

"Mom, grieving is when somebody dies. If you don't know the difference, then you need to go to counseling and talk that out." - Farrah. Minus 6.

Cue fake grief by Farrah as she visits Derek's grave on what would've been his 21st birthday. Honestly, there's no WAY she'd be doing that. Minus 13.

Farrah tells Derek's headstone: "I wish we would've gotten married and spent more time together." Which is why they broke up before ... forget it.

Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra Photo

Finally, Catelynn and Tyler are still on the show. It's unclear why, since they have no kid, yet kind of cool that they show them maintain the relationship.

Celebrating with a cake on the floor by themselves? Really, MTV? You can't make this even a little realistic? Minus 10 for the sheer ridiculousness.

Brandon and Teresa, their kid's adopted parents, BARRED Carly from being filmed during birth parents Catelynn and Tyler's second visit. Plus 50.

We did get a photo montage when the quintet reunited in the Big Apple to celebrate their little girl's milestone. It's cute that they went. Plus 20.

Catelynn and Tyler reiterate their belief that they made the best decision for their daughter, and Plus 20, because looking back, they probably did.

Heck, just look at Amber. Or Maci. Or Farrah.

EPISODE TOTAL: - 79!

UPDATE, 12:00 p.m.: How's this for a possible bombshell ... Catelynn's pregnant again, supposedly, and she and Tyler are keeping this one. Allegedly.

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Nancy, Farrah's mother is a bitch....and that is coming from an older women with 3 adult children. Not saying Farrah is a sweet angel, but her mother is a bitch.

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Mark, you'd like that, wouldn't you? All about you...

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Teen Mom may be a guilty pleasure for many people.Perhaps an excuse to judge them, but I cant believe the way people talk about these girls. At least they are halfway trying.Having to watch the previews for the new snooki and jwow show all through the episodes of teen mom was really disgusting. At least the teem moms are TEENS they still have to learn. What is snookis excuse! Having only the stomach to watch the previws of Jersey shore I am still disgusted and saddened at the fact that she will be bringing a child into this world! The bestthing she could do for the child is to put it up for adoption so it wont have to suffer for the rest of its life. Snooki and j woww have even less to offer tothis child than any teenage mom! It will be a gross disservice to children everywhere having to be raised by people like snooki and jwoww.

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They should be aware of other options such as oral and the back door. Can't get prenant those two ways. Just a bit of advice for these dumpsters.

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Want to see how low the human race can sink? Watch his putrid show. Nothing but glorified sluts and trailer trash boy friends. How can MTV...even for money...put a sorry show like his up for young people to watch? This is the future of America these cheap, low life girls. Future "food stamp
Queens."

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Cupcake,
It's losers like you that support a loser like Farrah and allows her to treat people poorly. If you want to buy her disgusting sauce and her lame book and believe her sob story about Derrick which is lies go ahead.

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okay i jus hav to say maci didnt call kyle an idiot, he called her an idiot after she said he was bein annoying, then she told him he could jus leave cause he was acting like ryan so get ur facts right!!!

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I am so happy for Tyler and Catelynn having another baby. and to you CUPCAKE about the comment from the guy that dated farrah ... SHADDAP! farrah is a self centered, self absorbed UN human being. her tears are fake, she is fake! Amber and Farrah are both losers; Catelynn and Maci are just o.k. All Farrah cares about is getting back into the dating game, getting her tan on and getting to FL so she can pick guys up ... not to pursue her culinary experience. Anyone can see through Farrah . even stevie wonder and he's blind! and she treats her parents terribly. Her mother and father should have thrown her "arse" out of the house ages ago! They bow down to her and she just poops all over them. Look how she treated the puppy she got which lasted like a week. She picks the poor thing up by the back of its neck and let's it hang in mid air. CANNOT STAND FARRAH AT ALL!!!!! all her tears and crying jags are so soooo fake

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Everyone knew Amber was either going to rehab, or not able to see her daughter.

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I remember watching all these girls at the very beginning. Wow how time flies! I had to work last night at Dish so I ended up recording it on my Hopper. Luckily I have my Hopper because my brother wanted to record some show he likes to watch at the same time! I still like Maci out of all of them, Amber is my least favorite.

Amber Portwood Biography

Amber and Leah (Teen Mom) Amber Portwood is a star on MTV's Teen Mom. She is the mother of Leah Leann Shirley, whose father is Gary Shirley, Amber's on-off fiance... More »
Birthplace
Anderson, Indiana
Full Name
Amber Portwood
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