Teen Mom Season Premiere Recap: Most Depressing Reality Show Ever!

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Teen Mom's return was anything but joyous for the girls involved, or even the voyeuristic viewers who typically take delight in watching them.

Anyone who claims the show promotes or glamorizes teen pregnancy and young motherhood? Watch and re-watch this depressing episode.

The trials and tribulations of Amber Portwood (whose life has played out in celebrity gossip circles) have been well documented, of course.

Maci Bookout, Farrah Abraham and Catelynn Lowell didn't exactly balance her out with positivity, though. The Season 4 opener was brutal.

Why? Find out in THG's official +/- recap!

Amber Portwood in Rehab

Let's start with Amber, who is sentenced court-ordered rehab for substance abuse / anger management / mental health and two years' probation.

Baby daddy Gary Shirley is, understandably, a bit thrown off when she starts POUNDING wine moments after arriving at his place. Minus 10.

"This is the first time I've had a drink because I just turned 21," she says. Minus 21, as that's obviously not true, and isn't a good reason anyway.

Amber needs the wine "to get the fact that I'm leaving for rehab off my mind." Somehow this doesn't bode well for rehab ... as we know. Minus 8.

"People wonder why I hit you in your f--king face. You're just a rude mean person and I'm the bitch for hitting you." - Amber to Gary. Plus 14.

Gary Shirley's 911 call plays: "She's wanting to hang herself and she said call the police so they can find my body in the garage." Minus 15.

Things ends on a hopeful note at least, with Amber and Leah's loving phone call and Gary accepting an invite to visit her in rehab. Plus 16.

Of course, we all know where Amber Portwood lives right now, so ... Minus 100.

Plus 5 for Gary's fashion choices, however. Couture at its finest.

Maci Bookout Kisses Kyle King

On to Maci, who we are amazed to say actually made Ryan Edwards look like the sane one tonight. Minus 10 because that is not a good thing.

After she asked him to pick Bentley up earlier and he protested, she hung up on him and said the unemployed bum should be flexible. Minus 10.

That's just uncalled for, especially since he's going back to school now and Maci seems to take like one class per year. Seriously, Bookout. Chill.

Not that we're Ryan apologists, but still. She even picks a fight with current BF Kyle King, who she calls an idiot and tells to move out. Minus 20.

Kyle did in fact pack a bag and drive back to Nashville, but Maci had Bentley call him and ask him to return, which of course he did. Plus 25.

They made up. It was cute. Though, like Amber, we also know how Maci Bookout and Kyle King turn out before too long, so ... yeah. Minus 25.

At least Bentley conquers separation anxiety at daycare. Plus 20.

Farrah Abraham Cries

Farrah bids farewell to Iowa. With her departure, the spray-on tan and cosmetic surgery sectors of the Hawkeye State's economy may crater. Minus 9.

BUT instead of leaving daughter Sophia with her parents as they agreed, Farrah has decided to bring her along to the Sunshine State! Yay? Plus 5.

Her folks had made Farrah's old bedroom into a room for Sophia, meaning she'd be taking over the room where she was made. Awkward. Minus 8.

Farrah enjoys a "girls night out" dinner with Sophia and her mom. Debra orders "Farrah" brand wine, which is fitting as daughter whines a lot. Plus 11.

"Mom, grieving is when somebody dies. If you don't know the difference, then you need to go to counseling and talk that out." - Farrah. Minus 6.

Cue fake grief by Farrah as she visits Derek's grave on what would've been his 21st birthday. Honestly, there's no WAY she'd be doing that. Minus 13.

Farrah tells Derek's headstone: "I wish we would've gotten married and spent more time together." Which is why they broke up before ... forget it.

Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra Photo

Finally, Catelynn and Tyler are still on the show. It's unclear why, since they have no kid, yet kind of cool that they show them maintain the relationship.

Celebrating with a cake on the floor by themselves? Really, MTV? You can't make this even a little realistic? Minus 10 for the sheer ridiculousness.

Brandon and Teresa, their kid's adopted parents, BARRED Carly from being filmed during birth parents Catelynn and Tyler's second visit. Plus 50.

We did get a photo montage when the quintet reunited in the Big Apple to celebrate their little girl's milestone. It's cute that they went. Plus 20.

Catelynn and Tyler reiterate their belief that they made the best decision for their daughter, and Plus 20, because looking back, they probably did.

Heck, just look at Amber. Or Maci. Or Farrah.

EPISODE TOTAL: - 79!

UPDATE, 12:00 p.m.: How's this for a possible bombshell ... Catelynn's pregnant again, supposedly, and she and Tyler are keeping this one. Allegedly.

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What she has done has issues behind it. I don't agree with what she has done but I have been where she has. It started at she 23 and it took till age 27 to better myself. I am now 29. It was something I could not control. I was told I was bipolar 2. Which causes mood swings in seconds. It's not right but it is a mental issue that don't go away even with medications. So I feel ya Amber but find the right doctor and u will feel half normal but u will find a way to get self control.

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Farrah can't take care of her own child as it is; then goes and buys a puppy!!!! Someone pls smack some sense into this little brat!

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THANKX MOM NICE PIC

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Farrah, It takes gas and risking your lives in a car accident to reflect on a dead guy -- drag baby along -there's your daddy... as Sophia looks at a rock . When she began reading a card she made for Sophia and Sophia tried to do with it what she wanted, told it was hers--look what mommy got you!- she snatches it up and puts it back in her purse--"alright you're not ready for this yet." No Farrah you aren't ready for a young child yet. I woudn't even hire you to babysit mine-- You demand they do what their age group can't yet,

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I want everyone to give Amber Portwood a break. She had a shitty childhood, got knocked up young while escaping and continuing the cycle she was born into. Unfortunately, she also escaped with opiates, which most people don't understand the difficulty in kicking. It's a treacherous road. I can understand why she chose prison over rehab. Look at the pussy ass rehab she went to. They are hippy cunts with no serious addiction treatment. She feels like she can't kick unless she is forced to for a long period of time, longer than 60 days. I actually think she made her decision out of desperation, not realizing that there is better treatment options out there that aren't a 60 day resort with a bunch of people who aren't physicians telling you that all of your feelings are justified and right. I get it. Poor Amber, really, poor Amber. I think in the ling run, prison will make her a beter mother if she kicks her addiction, finishes school, and gets some training.

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I agree with Madeleine. There is a real sadness about some of the girls' lives which shows that, unless people are in exceptional circumstances, lives can be ruined by not using contraception. The attitudes of some of the girls' parents leaves a lot to be desired (ie. the way Farrah's mother behaves as though Sophia is her child instead of giving practical help and love). When I watch these programmes I'm very grateful for the guidance and discipline my own parents gave me. I had a wild streak but also understood where to rein it in. I do find this programme heartbreaking on occasion as some of these girls have absolutely no hope for the future. Just look at Amber. What a desparate and terrible state of affairs.

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Teen mom is a great show! It helps other teen mom's make better choices because they can see the consequences of the choices the other teen moms have made and how they got through certain situations. I'm a teen mom and this show has helped me become a great mom...and no it's not because I followed everything the girls on the show did! I did the opposite of them because i saw how things turned out for them and it wasn't what I wanted for my self. However, I will admit there are a lot of horrible teen mothers still..but that's not from the TV show, its from their lack of education, maturity, and their up bringing. So before you judge a show you should think how it does actually help real girls.

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Just Cancel the show already MTV. It's not a show worth putting on tv. Who wants to see young girls not take care of their child well. I don't, the show is just a bad influence. Really lets make a show about TEEN girls have babies and then still act out of control. That's a BIG + right there, not. Just get rid of it and learn to put on shows that are better influence on the audience.

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What really gets to me they say they get with child I didn't know that it was a decease but that is not the way it is. You have to go to bed with someone and PROTECT yourself but if you don't OH WELL then these girls demand money out of these boys and they couldn't care less all they wanted to have sex nothing more nothing less and that is the way it is.

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I certainly agree that Farrah is a spoiled little brat who needs a serious wake up call She treats her parents like they are her slaves and doesn't even call her dad father/dad but by his first name -telling him he is gonna drive all her stuff etc then standing around while he packs for her. She treats her psycho mom like a piece of sh**. She should be ashamed! Maci needs to find out wether Kyle loves her or Benley more and forget Amber I wish they would have left her out of this season I really think this child needs institutionalized. Then there the favorite couple who have been through hell and back and still treat people like human beings and are so kind to each other and loving they should have their own show they are so sweet God Bless them!!!!!!!!

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