The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Whines by Wives

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Last week the RHOC left off with Vicki speechless after learning that Briana eloped. This week, Vicki has Briana in tears, and they don’t appear to be tears of joy.

Find out what happened in THG's +/- review!

Vicki and Tamra meet up at a lingerie store for bra fittings. Vicki’s bra fitter thinks she’s a FF. Tamra’s a 32D, which she feels is impossible given recent surgical de-enhancements. Tamra suggests that Vicki get Briana some bridal lingerie for her honeymoon.

Minus 30 for the gross factor of your mother buying you lingerie. Ew. EW EW EW.

Tamra Barney, Breasts

Vicki thinks Briana’s eloping is disrespectful and wrong and is upset that it robbed her of all of the wedding planning “fun.” Minus 10 for being selfish, Vicki. This isn’t about you.

I’ll give you a Plus 5 for realizing this isn’t about you and knowing you have to suck it up. But ONLY 5 because I don’t trust you to follow through with this.

Slade’s getting ready to go for a ride on his bicycle and Gretchen’s getting ready for lunch with Tamra. Gretchen just wants everyone to get along.

Slade just wants to get married to Gretchen.

He meets up with Gretchen’s dad on his ride and asks for her hand in marriage. Plus 10 for being the gentleman Ryan wasn’t when he eloped with Briana.

Slade doesn’t know if Gretchen’s ready, but he at least wants to let her know that those are his plans. Pops says he sees a wedding off in the distance and says that Slade needs to clean up his image before he gets the seal of approval. Then they ride off together into the sunset.

Gretchen and Tamra meet for lunch and cocktails and Tamra tells Gretchen she’s thinking of starting her own business. She wants to open a fitness studio and she’s telling Gretchen first (after Eddie, of course). Something tells me this won’t make Vicki happy.

Slade and Gretchen Pic

Then Tamra asks Gretchen what’s up with Gretchen and Slade. Gretchen says she supports Slade in everything he does, but the past three years have been tough. Slade has debt issues and if Gretchen marries him, his issues become her issues. She’s financially sound and doesn’t want to ruin that. Plus 10.

And Gretchen doesn’t think she wants to get married because of unresolved issues from her previous marriage. Something tells me she and Slade are going to have an interesting conversation.
Vicki’s getting ready for a party. She and Tamra are launching a wine company.

They’ve decided the party should be a formal party because people in Orange County never get dressed up. Ever. (Uh, The O.C. told me differently, Vicki.)

And she’s going to make the announcement that Briana’s married. Because this is a big deal that everyone is going to freak out over, right? Minus 10, Vicki. This announcement is more about you than it is about anyone else, including Briana and Ryan.

From the one-on-one, it seems like Briana has issues with the fact that Vicki’s divorce isn’t final but she’s dating Brooks already. Hmmm, pot? Kettle?

Vicki’s planning to introduce Brooks to her kids at the party when she knows that Briana’s not ready to meet Brooks. I can almost feel the fireworks already, can’t you?

The flashbacks from previous seasons show just how delusional Vicki is regarding Briana and their relationship.

Tamra and her son arrive at the launch party for the wine club first with Vicki and Brooks close behind. Tamra thinks Vicki’s headed for a nervous breakdown. Gretchen and Slade and Heather and Terry arrive and the only wife we’re missing is Alexis. Plus 5 for that!

The Real Housewives of America

Tamra has an impromptu consultation with Dr. Terry about having her tattooed wedding ring removed as a surprise for Eddie.

Brooks cracks the lamest joke in the history of jokes when he introduces himself to Michael, Vicki’s son, as Brooks and Dunn. Minus 20. Brooks tells Michael that the two of them have a lot in common and thanks him for supporting Vicki in the past year.

He tries to chat to Michael about Briana’s new marriage. Awkward.  Michael says, “I really don’t want to be doing this right now.”

Alexis and Jim show up, finally, late. And Alexis calls herself “Fashionably on time.” Minus 10.

Briana and Ryan are in a limo on the way to the event and conversation turns to Brooks and the fact that he’s not open about his job, has four kids in another state and is always in California, lets Vicki buy all his clothes, and drives Vicki’s car around town. Briana calls him an “opportunist.” In the real world, we call him a “gold digger.”

Vicki gathers everyone together to give them the news. Briana has recently given Vicki news that has “changed her life forever.” Minus 30 for the melodrama. And tears.

Gretchen’s one-on-one is hilarious: “Holy Olive holy! Does she know who her mother is!?”

Vicki has called in her brother Billy as a surprise for Briana.

Awkward Toast

Michael reveals that he found out through Facebook that Briana eloped. Kind of like how Vicki found out through Facebook that Briana was in a relationship in the first place. I love Briana, but I’ve got to take away some points for being so uncommunicative. Minus 10.

As a thanks for coming out to celebrate their new business venture, Wines by Wives, Tamra and Vicki are giving all party attendees a year’s membership. Two bottles of wine a month! Plus 10. Yay wine!

Vicki asks Brooks how his talk with Michael went and Brooks says he loves Michael like he loves his own kids. Then he tells Tamra that Ryan is “thebomb.com.” And I gag. So does Tamra. He also never answers Vicki’s question about the conversation. Minus 15 for being so stupid creepy.

Vicki grabs Briana and Ryan and tells Briana that she wants to introduce her to Brooks. Vicki has accepted Ryan and now it’s time for Briana to at least meet Brooks. Briana develops a case of the hiccups and keeps asking to hide.

Vicki comes in with Brooks and Brooks goes straight for the hug with Briana. Brooks just keeps saying “I’m glad that you’re happy.” I’ll give him a Plus 5 for that.

Briana says that her situation with Ryan is completely different form her mom’s situation with Brooks. Vicki calls her rude.

EPISODE TOTAL: -95! SEASON TOTAL: -120!

With an episode all about Vicki, this was bound to happen.

Next week, Slade looks at rings, Alexis tries to entertain a group of preschoolers by talking about how she almost died giving birth to her twins, and Vicki and Briana have a discussion about their love lives.

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