Last week on The Real Housewives of Orange County, Slade asked Gretchen’s father for permission to propose, Alexis met with an acting coach and Vicki announced Briana’s marriage and then forced her daughter to have a sit-down with Brooks.
What could happen to these crazy housewives next?!? Read on for the exclusive THG +/- recap to find out!
First up, Alexis is planning a birthday party for her twins fourth birthday. A Puppy Princess party. Because she calls them princesses and they love puppies. PERF! And then she leaves the party stylist for 10 minutes so she can go get a spray tan instead of doing party prep. Minus 10. One point for every minute you got sprayed, Alexis.
This party will be proof that Alexis really can do it all. Apparently she’s trying to be “Mom Enough.”
Slade is visiting a jeweler. He wants to buy Gretchen a ring and has invited Heather to go ring shopping with him. Maybe because Tamra and Vicki hate him and Alexis and Gretchen are on the outs. Weird. But I like Heather, so Plus 5 for inviting her for feedback.
Slade says he likes to “reverse engineer” everything. Instead of looking at what he can afford, he wants to look at what Gretchen would like and then go backwards. Heather chatted Gretchen up for the information.
The first ring he looks at? $250,000. The second? $37,000. And then he asks about imitation stones because it’s obvious that these are out of his price range. The way I understand it, the ring from a Cracker Jack box might be out of his price range.
Heather’s solution? Buy her a band. Gretchen’s just looking for the words and the sentiment anyway. Plus 10 to Heather for not laughing in his face at that “imitation stone” line.
Tamra’s meeting up with Terry to see about having her Simon tattoo surgically removed from her ring finger. She gets nervous and has to run to the bathroom and Terry and his nurse talk about how she’s a nervous pooper. Minus 5. It’s not as bad as Alexis’ nose gross but it’s still bad.
Eddie’s promised to get Tamra a ring if she gets the Simon tattoo removed. She didn’t tell him she was going to see Terry so he wouldn’t feel pressured.
Tamra has to get up from the table to go back to the bathroom. She quips that Simon’s still being a pain in her ass.
Finally, she’s prepped and she and Terry talk about how Tamra and Eddie will need to incorporate their kids into one family as he cuts a piece of skin off her finger. Wow. Plus 10 for not requesting a Valium.
Vicki’s brother Billy is still in town and their chatting about Briana’s elopement with Ryan. Billy’s concerned that Briana and Ryan don’t know much about each other. Vicki seems perturbed that Briana would still like to have a wedding where Donn and Vicki can give her away. But that’s weird because one of Vicki’s issues with Briana and Ryan’s marriage is that there was not wedding where she could give her daughter away. Hmmm.
Billy asks if Brooks would be at that wedding and Vicki says “yes. He’s my man.” Then talk turns to whether or not Donn is dating and after Billy says he’s sure Donn is, Vicki grills him for information. Minus 15.
It’s party day for Melania and Mackenna. Alexis sends Mackenna to get MAKEUP. And when she doesn’t look like she has makeup on, Alexis sends her back for MORE MAKEUP. She’s FOUR. Minus 50.
Alexis says when she was growing up birthday parties were a homemade cake with three or four best friends coming over and they were great parties. But she’s just dressed her daughters up like they’re auditioning for Toddlers and Tiaras and is throwing them a Puppy Princess Party? Minus another 20.
Gretchen and Heather meet up at Casa de Dubrow. Heather’s house is amazing. Truly. There’s a sitting area in the bathroom. The bathroom Heather doesn’t have to share with Terry.
Heather says the secret to a great marriage is separate bathrooms. Plus 15. Truth, Heather!
Eventually, talk turns to Gretchen and Slade and their future. Gretchen confirms, again, that she’s nervous about Slade’s debt and doesn’t want to marry him while that’s hanging over his head. She doesn’t feel like right now is the best time to get married. Heather tells Gretchen that she doesn’t think Slade understands where Gretchen is in regards to marriage right now.
Gretchen gets choked up when she says she can’t wrap her mind around not being with Slade.
Heather advises Gretchen to talk to Slade and then pours champagne. Plus 10.
In addition to a house full of puppies and mini princesses, Alexis has also hired standard sized princesses for the party. Alexis talks about herself in the third person while telling the party guests about the pulmonary embolism that nearly took her life after her daughters were born. Let’s remember that the guests at this party are FOUR. They probably cannot even say the WORDS pulmonary embolism. Minus 25.
Jim wore a tuxedo to walk Princess Melania and Princess Mackenna down the stairs and then changed right back into shorts and a tee shirt while Alexis rocked a cocktail dress and a tiara. Then they all went on a carriage ride. Because after this party, they’re broke and turning back into pumpkins and little ash girls. Heather’s going to pick up their son Nicky from football. Plus 5 that she does her parent pick-ups herself.
Remember the audition Heather went on? She didn’t get the role. But she’s relieved. She thinks perhaps the role wasn’t very realistic for her life situation right now.
Terry says that what she does, she does so well - wife, mother, cook - and then he laughs. But she laughs, too. Plus 20 for being an awesome pair.
Back at the birthday party, Alexis is holding a two-month old. She wants another baby. Jim says he wants to wait until they’re grandparents.
“One more baby. One more. I promise I’ll never ask for another thing!” It’s not a puppy, Alexis, but you’ve got a back yard full of those ready for adoption. Minus 5.
Tamra and Eddie are out to dinner. First they talk business, real-estate for her fitness studio. Then Eddie says they should have a sleepover, kids and all, at his house. Tamra says that her kids don’t feel 100% comfortable in his house because they don’t spend a lot of time there. Eddie’s response is that they need to spend more time there so they’ll be more comfortable.
Tamra starts to cry and says she’s afraid if she puts the kids on him, he’ll leave. Eddie’s response: “I would’ve left a long time ago.” Plus 20.
Tamra’s still worried. Eddie doesn’t have any kids and she’s afraid. Eddie’s “taking on a girl who’s five years older with four kids.” And he’s hot. Eddie says there’s a lot of hot girls in the world, but not all of them are smart and witty like her. Plus 10.
Talk turns to Simon and Eddie says she needs to get his name off her finger. So she flashes her stitches. He says “I think I just sh*t a brick.” Tamra quips “I think you need to start sh*tting a diamond ring.” Boom, Tamra. Then Eddie tells her he wants to have sex. Such a man.
Briana and Vicki meet and Briana says Vicki’s never been alone to know what she wants out of life. Briana tells Vicki that she and her brother are concerned and Vicki needs to stop comparing Ryan to Brooks.
And then Briana tells her mom she feels like Brooks is an opportunist who doesn’t deserve Vicki. Plus 10. Vicki keeps defending Brooks and saying that she knows the truth about Brooks and Brooks has never lied to her and she’s a grown woman and she’s happy right now and excuses excuses excuses. Minus 15.
Your daughter may have eloped. The two of you may not have the relationship you think you do. But Vicki, Briana’s not being an idiot right now. You are.
Briana accuses Vicki of emotionally cheating on Donn with Brooks before their marriage was over. Which, according to Briana, is worse than physically cheating.
When Briana says she has concerns about Brooks, Vicki counters that she has concerns about Ryan, chief among them being that he didn’t ask her for Briana’s hand in marriage before whisking her away to a drive-through wedding chapel. But Brooks has four kids by three women, hasn’t paid his child support, and has a history of DUIs but drives Vicki’s car around town. Yeah. Yeah, Vicki, those are totally the same thing.
EPISODE TOTAL: -30! SEASON TOTAL: -150!