The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap: Emily's First Impressions

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It's that time of year again.

The Bachelorette is back on ABC, with Emily Maynard, who captured our hearts last year on The Bachelor, ready to fall in love again - and call the shots this time.

For all the scripted drama, obvious cue cards, misleading promos and contrived nonsense, the show always sucks ... us back in. It's like a disease, only awesome.

Will the North Carolina mom find her prince charming at long last? Will there be tears along the way? Will someone be cast as the summer's "villain"?

Possibly, probably, and definitely. And we can't wait.

Follow this link for a breakdown of the guys and The Bachelorette spoilers we know so far. Then read on for THG's +/- Bachelorette season premiere recap!

Emily Maynard Image

Cute daughter Ricki, nice house in the 'burbs, a packed SUV, and a pimp spot in the carpool rotation. What more could this doe-eyed darling want, right? Oh, yeah. A husband to share it all with. Because that's the only thing she's missing. Minus 5 for being THAT girl.

This season will be different because, as we're reminded, Emily has a daughter. Whichever bachelor she chooses will have to not only be her husband but also her daughter's father. Let's help her make her pick, y'all.

Before Emily meets the men, we're treated to some Mommy-Daughter bonding. They're really sweet together. Really. Plus 10.

Emily says she was scared to do this because she's been in love twice and lost it twice. She "really, genuinely" thought that she'd found love with Brad. On a TV show. And I "really, genuinely" thought the moon was made of cheese. Minus 10.

I do have to give the girl props, though. Chris asked her about her late fiance' Ricky, father of her daughter, and she said she really didn't want to talk about that anymore. She's moved on from that. I think that's healthy. Plus 10.

Emily says she hopes a minivan and lots of babies are in her future. Chris tells her not to lead with that. Good call, host dude. Good call. Plus 5.

And here come the bachelors.

Let's start with bad first impressions, which collectively are earning a Minus 40.

"Life's not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Those are Jackson's opening lines. He really said that. On one knee even. Joe walks in like he's got some giant "marbles" in his pants. Or like he's imitating a gorilla. Tony brought a slipper on a pillow and introduced himself as "Charming, Prince Charming." And then he tried to put the glass slipper on her foot.

"I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you" - Aaron. LOL.

Stevie walks in with his boom box and does some sort of shuffle. He looks ridiculous. Randy shows up dressed like a grandma. I'm pretty sure Emily wants to run away screaming. Travis brought her an egg. It's a symbol of two beautiful people--Emily and Ricki--and throughout the journey, Travis is going to take care of the egg like he'd take care of Emily and Ricky. I... I can't even. Brent decided to bring his own name tag. When Emily knows his name, she can just take the tag off.

Kalon chartered a helicopter to impress Emily. I do think she'll see through that. Please.

Glass Slipper

Next up, the awkward introductions.

Emily. Brush up on your languages, sweetheart. If a man comes up to you from BRAZIL and speaks his native language, "gracias" is not the appropriate response. Minus 10. Jean-Paul acknowledges the awkward and says they know so much about her but she doesn't know anything about them. Plus 5. Alejandro gets to hear some Spanglish so awful his ears probably bled when he decided to introduce himself in Spanish. Just speak English, Emily. Please.

The frontrunners for Emily's heart, at least according to me?

Doug's a single dad and he drops that tidbit as soon as he steps out of the limo. Nate smells good. Ryan's a sweetheart with a sweet note. Charlie seems like a big teddy bear. Arie the race car driver is interesting. We know Emily has a thing for race car drivers. I mean, there's something hot about a guy who knows how to work a stick, amIright?

Meanwhile the testosterone, and the alcohol, are flying while the guys are waiting. They're talking about competition and getting what they want. It's all puffed chests and bravado. I'm looking for a hose to cool them all off. Minus 20.

They're also paying compliments to Emily's beauty. That's sweet. Plus 5.

Emily gets a "first impression" rose. With this rose, one guy will be on the fast track through the first rose ceremony. 

"Wolf" calls Emily, hands-down, the hottest bachelorette. There's only been a few of them, right?

Charlie loses points for pretending to bite her hand. Minus 5.

Brent, Mr. Nametag, has six kids. SIX KIDS. She's losing points if she keeps him around. Chris has bobble-head dolls of himself and Emily and asks her to play with him. And she does. And then says he's hot. She needs to get herself checked out.

Jef Holm Picture

Jef with one F makes her feel like a nerd. I can't tell if that's good or bad. I guess it's good since she said he made a great first impression. But she didn't give him the rose. Not yet at least.

Doug has custody of his son, and his son wrote Emily a note. I'm pretty sure her ovaries are all a'twitter right now. The other guys don't stand a chance. Plus 15 for the note, Doug. Nice touch!

The First Impression rose is floating around and the guys are getting nervous. They need alone time with Emily and see Kalon for the fake he is. Here's hoping Emily sees it too. If she doesn't she's blind. As a bat.

Arie might blow the whole thing bringing up the race car driving thing since Emily's ready to put that part of her life behind her. But then she confirms my thoughts and says "he'd be hot in a race car." Plus 10.

Emily's ready to pass out the First Impression rose. To Daddy Doug. This is me doing a little happy dance in my chair. Plus 15 for Doug. He's a good one.

It's time for the first rose ceremony.

Going Home:

  • Brent
  • Lerone
  • Jean-Paul
  • Jackson
  • David
  • Randy

That means Doug, Ryan, Nate, Charlie, and Arie are staying. But so is Kalon and the bizarre, nerdy, skater Jef with one F, so there's that.

EPISODE TOTAL: -15.

This season promises jetsetting, drama, and Man Tears. I can't wait.

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Emily needs to be very careful, so many fools are in her lineup. The booze and snake tongues are gonna bite. Remember that Ricki the daughter is also the major part of this. Watch the clowns in helicopters and bright green shirts.