Snooki is pregnant. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Jionni LaValle got effing Snooki pregnant. Amazing. The apocalypse cannot be too far behind.
Last night's episode was filmed long before this revelation, of course, and shows Snooki doing her usual drunken, moronic thing. But it puts it all in perspective.
Thursday, The Situation tried to stir the pot (shocker), the gang ran into a familiar face, someone went to the sex store and some idiot got arrested. Who was it?!
Let's recap Jersey Shore, THG style, and find out!
Snooki and Vinny played coy about their flirtatious night out on the boardwalk, but nothing sexual happened. Phew. Could've been paternity test drama. Plus 9.
Deena, Pauly D, Mike and Vinny went to Jenk's, and they ran into ... Angelina Pivarnick! We forgot about her! Does this mean she's back on the show? Minus 10.
Nah. As Pauly said, they "kept it movin'." Oh, hey! Later! Plus 19.
The Situation strikes out with his girl. So does Pauly. Chalk it up to shyness and tampons, but it just wasn't happening for the dudes on this evening. Minus 8.Sitch decided to be a sweet roommate by ordering breakfast for everyone. Plus 6.
Short on cash, he had to tip the delivery guy protein powder. Plus 16. There are Jersey Shore quotes and there are scenes like this where only visuals suffice.
JWoww heads to the sex shop to pick out an anniversary gift for Roger. They've been dating one year and it's been mostly drama-free (by Jersey standards). Plus 20.
We have a pretty good idea why that is after seeing her "gifts." Plus 10.
JWoww and Sammi try to warn Deena about Joey's true intentions. If they think they're getting through her thick skull, they're kidding themselves though. Minus 15.
Pauly D and Vinny complain about the couples in the house. Please, you two guys are as coupled up as it gets. This is one of TV's top bromances. Embrace it. Plus 4.
Still doesn't solve their smush room problem, we admit. Minus 3.
The Situation calls The Unit after he decides to stir up some trouble. Dude, no one cares anymore. We know Snooki is a drunken mess who sleeps around. Minus 17.
"Get some pop-cawn," the "Sitch-tradamus" promises, because the show's about to begin ... with a ridiculous, out-of-pace twang apparently. Just STFU. Minus 23.
Pauly D and Vinny play a prank on JWoww. Plus 8.
Sammi catches the boys in the act. Minus 8.
The boys check out JWoww's surprise for Roger. We don't know whether to be impressed, turned on, repulsed, sketched out ... maybe a little of all of the above? Plus 5.
Jionni's whole family was at the club. Um, what? Minus 12. Nice guy that he is, Mike waited until Snooks and Jionni were by themselves to stir $h!t up. Kind. Plus 3.
Snooki clearly knew something was up once she saw Unit with Mike, so she convinced Jionni to leave and go back to the house. Smart girl, for once in her life. Plus 9.
Vinny decided to sport a denim shirt to the club, meanwhile. Plus 13. The "jert," or jean shirt, complete with plaid patches, has the roomies (and us) ROFL. Plus 7.
Deena confronts Joey about his sincerity. He kept denying and trying to play it off, but she was over it and left solo, then we saw Joey with another girl. Wow. Minus 8 for being a douche, but Plus 18 for D taking a walk. Team Meatballs.
Pauly D worries there are too many grenades at the club. #paulyproblems. Plus 11.
The Unit gets arrested after partying too hard. Plus 30 for everyone else around.
With Unit gone, Mike decided to tell Jionni solo, and what better moment than the morning after, when it's just them two sitting outside? OMG, he's insane.
"Yo, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked. "It's like, kinda, private. I'm just gonna make this, like, really quick and like, painless as possible." Minus 20.
Will it be? Stay tuned next week for the next, epic installment.
EPISODE TOTAL: +64! SEASON TOTAL: +316!
Jersey Shore ...